Saturday, December 26, 2009


This year is coming to an end. I want to take this time to reflect on the progress I have made. Without the program none of this growth would have been possible. It's time to thank my higher power for the ability to stretch my inner life and look at the world in a new way. My Hp has given me so much and being present was the only way I achieve peace within. It is one moment at a time really for me, it is brief but time seems to add up slowly.

Being able to attend meditation and 12 step work strengthen my ability to watch my mind. In the past I have been so attached to everything. To survive my crazy surroundings as a child I lived in alot of fear and took that into my adult life.
My crazy monkey brain races around in my mind going in alot of fear driven directions. In meditation I have been labeling my thoughts lately. They come into my conscious arising as negative thoughts, then fear, and judgement, and a host of others from the lower realms.

" Teacher Chodron explains how finding tranquility in our own lives leads to a broader harmony in our relationships, our communities, and the surrounding world. If war begins within us, we have the power to end war." Pema Chodron

I want to give myself some credit for showing up in my life. The program has given me the willingness to unravel all the ego protection that I deposited over the years. It has been almost 2 years I am back in the programs. I have joined the levels of AA GSR service, was a treasurer in Alanon and reached out to newcomers in both groups.
HP has given me the ability to show up one day at at time. Showing up doing the footwork, having a sponsor and working the 12 steps has given me my life back! I am looking forward to a New Year.
1. For the AA and Alanon Fellowship
2. The willingness to work the program
3. Taking care of my health
4. Gratitude for my life

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Life is no brief candle

Tonight is Christmas Eve I feel good so much more in my life. Really I dont know how else to explain it except I am present
for myself. It's great to have gratitude for so much today. I had a friend invite me to her home and we had a simple but fun Christmas. Her 7 year old son performed most of the night and we laughed at his magic tricks.
Life is good when I can laugh and not take it all too seriously.
Let me make this day a celebration of spirit. I will set my problems aside for a little while and appreciate what it means to be fully alive.
1. That my program worked for me today and I didnt have to take a drink
2. My chocolate mousse cake was a hit at din din
3. I took things easy although at times i felt odd with myself
4. My life is pretty good and I am grateful

Life is no brief candle to me.
George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Al-Anon Lifer: Taking Risks

Al-Anon Lifer: Taking Risks

Waltzing the Holiday Dance

Well it's 2 days till Christmas I have felt pretty good so far..Today was difficult my thinking started to get a little
in the victim attitude arena.

What do I do with all this stinking thinking? I turn my will over to God. HP is doing for me what I can't do for myself.

Negative self talk has followed me since I was a child. I then look to situations that will continue my poor self image to keep it all alive. This is where I try to work the steps to get me out of the spin.
My self image has been very damaged but I can with the help of the program shift and recognize the harmful patterns.
An old friend I have taken some distance from has resurfaced recently. The Holiday dance began again between us.
She vicitmizes me... and I am a victim..Oh it is an old dance one that I am familiar with since childhood.
Writing about this all has given me great insight.

What can I do to take care of myself?
Tonight I will try to go to a meeting and share at a group level what I am experiencing. Things have gotten much better for me this Christmas and I am grateful. It is important for me to also focus on gratitude.
Having the willingness to toward making hope and faith on ongoing part of my life can also help me getting into the moment. Living in the moment allows me to
feel the peace of what is happening right now most of the time.
1. Just for today I have the willingness to step out of the spin
2. Serene Moments add up and serenity can be achieved with this simple step
3. God does for me what I can not do for myself
4. Controlling behavior is so suttle with me I cant identify it all the time
5. It was a beautiful day full of sunshine although cold
"Gods gifts put man's best dreams to shame"
Elizabeth Browning

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Di-gin all of it

It's been a while since my last post. The holidays and work have me running around. This means my blogging is put on a back burner. I miss reading my blogs and get so much from everyones honest shares. The program has allowed me to connect again with the world in a healthier sometimes simpler way. A friend from the program wants to connect with me again but I dont want to let her in as I have in the past. It is also my fault that I went back to my old role as a stand by in my movie. To feel needed I would listen at all hours and make their problems my problems. Just for today my life is fuller and it is easier to live with myself. I dont have to run and hide in the latest catastrophe in someones life. I can keep it simple and do the footwork in my recovery program.
1. For the 12 steps
2. that I can work step 4
3. The holidays are pretty good so far
4. Things in this moment feel right
5. For the party tonight and the willingness to show up despite my hesitancy

Thursday, November 26, 2009


I have alot to be grateful for in my life and tonight was a good indication of how far I have come in the program. We went to a friends home for Thanksgiving dinner.
There was tons of food and a sommelier pouring oodles of wine. I did not drink, I did not have sadness and feel lonely in a room full of people. We ate Turkey and a man siad inappropriate things to me I didnt plumet to the depths of my self esteem by his comments. This is just incredible recovery for me. What did I do to take care of myself? I didn't make Turkey for a home gathering instead I decided to go to a friends home. In the past My friend would bring her partner who often drinks too much all the time. I didnt want to surrond myself with this problem drinker and my friend who enables his drinking. We drove across the bay to a new friend, to try something new this year.
"I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I now have a different perspective on those experiences."
1. HP has a path for us all
2. This too shall pass
3. tired can hardly stay awake

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Tonight I made a great homemade dinner and fresh apple galette for desert with cream. I am grateful I didn't have to swig down a bottle of wine to begin the meal. Oh yes I remember being so tired, angry, and full of resentments that to cook a meal I had a few drinks. I don't make the french dinners I used to, frankly it's too much work. My time is valuable and maybe some days I like to meditate or do other projects beside cook. I am not a superwoman. My critical self wants me to be it all and more. When I can't meet up to my expectations it is another cut to my self esteem. This is where I turn it over to God and trust.
My HP loves me despite all my flaws When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me I believe I am doing God's will.
What loving action did I take today? Today when I began to obsess I read some Alanon literature to take me out of the spin.
Self Love is a habit I like to keep going in my life. Learning to Love me, guides me and helps me love the world.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. My meditation program is working for today
3. Loving kindness toward myself and others keeps the world in balance for me
4. 12 steps are a wonderful therapy program and helps me grow
5. I went to a chocolate exhibit and realized it was the wrong weekend..never mind,,,, it was nice to see the bay
6. Sundays are Ok now
7. Thinking of my family and so glad they all seem to be doing so well in their lives (despite the animal hoarding)
"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"
Toyohiko Kagawa

Monday, November 16, 2009

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
It was a good meditation meeting tonight we had a group inventory. This meeting is an open meeting which sometimes I find disturbing. Over half the meeting at times is filled with people not working a program. In retrospect this might help get someone sober listening to shares and realizing the similarities to their own addiction.
But the price we pay as a group is too high sometimes too many newcomers.
This is unusual I know this I have never experienced this in any other group.
So I brought this up to a group level tonight my uncomfortable edge that comes with so many fresh new faces each week. But our only requirement to enter AA is a desire to stop drinking. that is it.
Step 10 keeps me on my toes helps prevent me from back sliding into old thinking.
1. HP is standing beside me
2. That I can look at my behaviors with money
3. for 12 steps and my reluctance with step 4 right now
4. That my husband and I is getting better every day
5. For Skype and it's service

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I was very inspired tonight reading a blog. The more recovery that I am able to accomplish in the program the more I experience love and forgive myself and find compassion and acceptance toward others. The work I do changes myself and the world around me in small ways and in global arenas as well. This peaceful feeling to me is very revolutionary toward shifting my world view. I felt this sense of serenity for seconds recently I was sitting meditation and had a flood of feelings that were warm and loving.
I didn't want it to end but it did and the twirling of anxiety in my mind began again.
The more I can encounter these moments the better able I can collect these and realize what the experience felt like for me.
This is a gift of the program which I am forever grateful. Really I had no idea my life could be this good despite my sad times.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
Hp has a plan for me
12 steps and working them
turning it over
nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass
life is in constant change

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Step 11

I was asked to share today and kept it simple concentrating on Step 11. A friend from the meditation center asked me to share at his meeting, and planned it weeks in advance. Unforutnatley he ended up in the hospital with some seveere stomach problems, he is living with HIV and 2 liver transplants. I felt so glad to be able to show up for the group and to follow through with my promise for him. In the past I have felt at times I couldnt show up, there was always some problem making showing up so difficult. Turning my will and my life over the to the care of God, and realizing everyone has a HP has given me great comfort. Life is more than mere survival. I cant even imagine my life could be as good as it is today. Near the end of the day I visited my meditation buddy in the hospital and found him in pretty good spirits. Today I was able to cultivate my spiritual connection by doing the footwork all else followed.
1. HP has a plan for us all
2. showing up for myself despite my reservation on sharing
3. The day was beautiful and sunny
4. My life is full
5. Kept it simple
"Half an hour meditaion is esential except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is needed."
Francis de Sales

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Shake it up

Things are going well in my programs just for today it's all peaceful...
with myself and the world around me. One aspect I am looking at presently is my need to feel victimized my women. They often are in some sort of crisis and abusive to themselves.
I have a sick need to fulfill my need for abandonment. I have been trying to notice when my need to call these people come up. It would be great to take time to really think about instead of acting out on some of these feelings that circle in my brain.
My mother and father were also very abusive to themselves and unable to fulfill their parenting. They tried I do know that but some days the child pops her head up in my life and needs tending.
Reading this tonight shone some light on the subject.
Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it's not the pain that helps me grow, It's my response to it.
1. HP turning it over
2. 12 steps to guide me in the dark forest
3. The day was shaken up with the time change, shake it baby. shake it
4. People are doing the bes they can with what they have
" I had learned in Al-Anon to look for opportunites for growth in every situation
The attitude allowed me to gain many spiritual riches form the pain I was experiencing" In All Our Affairs

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Turning it over

It has been a while since my last post but I was still reading others blogs. H family was here from Canada and elsewhere staying at our home. In the past I would not take breaks from them and my job when I wasn't working was touring them around the city.
My Alanon merging would begin and their needs became more important than taking care of myself. Then my resentments would surface the the obsessions would begin. The spin would circulate and not end for days...This was insanity as it would take over my thinking and cause me to act out on this craziness. I am proud of myself the spin event began and I took myself out of the
family and got myself to a meeting and then another meeting and this continued....and my resentments were lessened
Turning it over to God is another great tool..
My sister in law is challenging at the moment with some family matters but
I am praying for her. I pray she be given the serenity love and joy that I want for myself. What is it I need to accept or change?
Off to work another lovely day here in the West
1. HP takes care of me and everyone has a HP
2. the 12 steps and in particular the willingness to work step 4
3. my work with my partner is going well
4. H bday is coming up and I am glad we are together on this planet
5. Just for today I am feeling pretty good about my life
" No one else can define our role in the unique partnership we develop with our HP" In all our affairs

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Wonderful weekend, things at my home group meeting seemed to have settled down. One particular individual wasn't at this Saturdays meeting which seemed to make things so much calmer of was I the one who was calmer? I sat through 4 business meetings in a row listening to her rally against the GSR position, and the group having to pay for my conferences. I prayed for her as I was noticing I was getting a serious resentment. But then I realized I had to change the way I was looking at the problem, she wasn't going to change. What was I learning from this situation? Eventually it is being revealed that life has many challenges in all kinds of situations even my AA program. Learning how to speak up for myself with gentleness and not getting angry to cover over my insecurity is a big lesson. Then turning it all over to God in regards to the results.
"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
1. HP has given me alot of gifts
2. 12 steppin the day away
3. Yoga keeps my life supple
4. Nevelsons sculpture is alive and well
5. Love my job and I hate it sometimes too
"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness we must learn new ways of living
new ways of relating to each other"
How can I help my children

Monday, October 5, 2009

Slave to Desires

It was a great meeting tonight although I get something out of every meeting. They talked about desires tonight.
You can be free from desire. When you desire or crave something and act on it, you become a slave to that desire. To become free from this desire requires nothing extra, it actually requires less. You only have to realize that desire don’t require action. When you understand this, and desire arises, you will see desire in you. You will begin to experience the sensation of desire in your body; watch it rise up in you, peak, and then pass away. Don’t get angry with yourself for having desires, they’re here now, just watch it pass by.
This is what we talked about tonight in group. To watch the mind. This I try to do in my life with the program. I had alot of thought today about the upcoming Holidays...uhm yes do i dare bring up the subject. This is when I began blogging last Christmass 08. This year I would like to make some plans to have a nicer Holiday.
Guess something good arose out of this sadness I faced. How can I take care of myself?
Do the footwork, service, 12 steps, meetings
1. HP and the plan of life he she has for everyone
2. 12 steppin my life
3. Feeling like music is a meditation loved bluegrass this weekend
4. speaking up for myself in a loving way to my friend F
5. Being able to look at my H with love
"Change your thoughts and you change your world" Norman V Peale

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The little mouse

Just got out of Thursday night Alanon meeting. A few people in the group have been very supportive of me while others haven't over the last year. I wanted people to come up and hug me and let me know it would be alright. Keep coming back. Some did welcome me while others just ignored me. That happens some people are just in their own space of sadness maybe.
But I seem to forget the loving members they really do try, I need to believe that everyone is trying the best they can. I am a fragile person in many ways looking for an opportunity to retreat into myself. But in many ways these are the beginnings of resentments they too are a way to hide. I feel like I have to figure it all out but I really don't....
I don't have to understand everything. Some things are not my business, and others will simply never make sense to me.
Sometimes just showing up for myself in life is enough. This can mean going to a meeting despite my feelings. Or I can change meetings and find new ones to attend. I have choices. This is important for me to remember.
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
1. HP is always watching over me
2. 12 steps are my tool kit
3. I sometimes go the Hardware store to buy milk
4. Sun and Beach are a good combination and it was a great day today

"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only."

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Not loving the spin I am in

I love the blog community it has stretched my program. Tonight I was starting to spin with an event that happened today. The obsession began and my mind was starting to play the record over and over. This is painful for me but due to the program I can interrupt the song, turn it over to god. I can't control the past by reliving the event. It has followed me all my life I grew up with my Grandmothers obsessive chatter. She was a loving but compulsive alcoholic. For years she lied to us about quitting smoking and in the end she died from lung cancer. That is how she went I stayed with her till her passing in the hospital. I loved her despite her alcholism. In Alanon I get to forgive her for her abuse at times toward me.
My life has so much to be thankful for I am sober and have days of serenity.
It is little moments that I have learned to value and hold.
"Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution"
HP comes in handy with the skipping record
12 steps
I don't have to heal my business partner but I can sympathize with her situation
Music lifts my spirits
2 Siberian pups came up to me and wanted a pat on the back

Monday, September 28, 2009

24 years

Great meeting tonight at the Zen Center, One of the speakers celebrated her 24 years of sobriety. She spoke of her 24 years in the program and her 30 years in Buddhism. She believes her meditation increased due to her sobriety. This makes sense to me hard to concentrate with a hangover....ha
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity

"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Save your own ass

Wonderful day today it is our best time of year in northern California. I drove up north to a concert outside in 98 degree fall weather. Loved getting out into the country, ate a great meal with frozen frozen hibiscus tea.
My life is pretty good these days which I am grateful. Although one part of me lives in anxiety waiting for it to all end with one of H's rage attacks. I can feel it coming his work alcoholic days are piling up. What can I do about this? Stay present for myself and count the gratitude with my life at this moment. These rage attacks were very similar to my fathers alcoholic bursts as a child nothing could be counted on. I didn't know what to expect at nights. I have just realized the similarity to H and his rage attacks which is amazing the blogs are a great learning tool. I didn't cause, I cant cure it and I cant control it
The miracle working for me today is that I did enjoy myself I am learning to take care of me and not feel guilty. There have been many times I would have gone by myself and felt sad because H was at home. He doesn't like to go out much he works all the time. Really works. Horrible addiction but that is for him to work on I have to work on me.
Alanon is such a great program I have gotten so much in the rooms, through the literature, working the steps and having a sponsor.
It's a save your own ass program
HP works in miraculous ways
I am enjoying the steps and working on 4 at the moment
Some are sicker than others in the program but I have seen change occur slow but sure
It was amazing today I enjoyed myself with friends
Learning to enjoy my life despite some of my sadness about H not being able to be present
One second at a time
"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how."
Henry Beecher

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So Sweet and So Cold

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Had a wonderful day although I have a cold. Sometimes I have to get sick to take care of me, I often think clearer after I have been ill. It is an odd experience but makes sense my training was to take care of others to get my needs met. Alanon
The gift I get is, what is taking me down forces me to look at my inner life.
It is very freeing to have a chance to look at and be freer from the addiction, complusion and anxiety of acting out.
Yes I did have a nice day very simple in the moment experiences.
Quiet in the home and in my mind.
It is very exciting some of the architecture they are accomplishing with living walls of plants. Patrick Blanc in France is leading the way with his designs. These sculptures are incredible works of art. Plants are so healing to me, full of comfort.
My father was an avid gardener. Our family had extensive gardens and we experimented
with what to grow each year. For some reason I don't remember alot of drinking and fighting with gardening. So gardens bring me joy and good memories of our family being together.
I mowed the lawn and planted flowers around the home. My neighbor was very supportive of my gardening and encouraged me. It is nice to remember back to some of the moments
of my childhood.
It has been a struggle to grow near the ocean, with raccoons digging for worms and
gophers eating plants without wire cages. But I am learning what and how to grow.
This year I even had tomatoes which is rare here in the part of the west.
1. HP
2. Keep it simple
3. Fresh food
4. Strangers being kind to strangers
5. Dont take myself too seriously
6. Chinese herbs
8. Driving in the city doesnt trouble me too much

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Clean up

I have been wanting to get a dog lately. I like dogs but I don't want to have to clean up after them. I had a trying day at AA so this might have something to do with the dream. I hope I don't offend anyone but yes this dream was all about dog poop.

Had a strange dream last night involving dog poop yes that is correct. I was spending the night at my moms home and when I woke up early there was dog poop in my bed, in the hall and yes all over my lovely MJ shirt. I remember thinking in my dream what does this all mean? I never got a chance to see the dog, to pet the dog, but I had to still clean up.
In my dream the price I am paying with receiving love is having to clean up the mess first. I didnt even get the dog nurturing just the cleanup. Well more will be revealed tonight with maybe another dream. Hope this one will be easier to write about.
1. HP
2. AA and it's gifts and lessons
3. Taking care of myself dont feel well

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As we understand

One Day

Oh it was yet another great day in some ways and yet another test in patience towards difficult situations. My home group is really testing my serenity. I offered to be the groups GSR and it was going great until a certain woman got involved and started running the show. This experience has tested my patience, she has run her agenda toward me and her idea into the ground. Today I wanted to resign I am getting tired and really want to step out of the role it is just too much ...I always feel that I need to hang in there and make it all right for everyone but where does taking care of me fit in? I spoke to my service sponsor and he is aware of this difficult woman and knows her ways in the AA world. After 4 business meetings we are scheduled for yet another next week.
I am not sure if I will attend this meeting, my GSR position and funding has been discussed I am turning it over to HP.
HP has a plan for me and I did the footwork, my soles are wearing out.
HP has plans
12 steps step 3 turning it over
I have determination
Letting it Go
Walking out of an opera the grass was wet and it was cold
Life and its surprises
"The whole purpose of ALAnon is to help us iron out the rough spots in our living, and that can be done only one day at a time"
One Day at a time in Alanon

Friday, September 18, 2009


Beautiful day today think I will go for a run. Being a secretary for Alanon has helped me connect and go to a regular meeting.
Got to show up. Today I will meet with my sponsor and go over a step it has taken a while to connect. She is very active in the program and really puts her all into it, I may not always like her approach but I know she gives it her all.
My sponsor looks like my mother in some ways but is more present. Guess it's no mistake I asked her to guide me through the program. The program works in ways I don't always understand but I am staying around for the gifts.
My program is working these days I feel alot of serenity this is where I need to keep going to meetings, work the steps and do service.
HP and my efforts toward turning it over
The home is at peace
Learning to keep it simple and not spin it in my head
For my new photo, the portrait of a 1950 woman surfer from the flea market
The last of the tomatoes are in season and delicious
"For now try to take my problems to my HP, but i leave the solutions and the time table up to Him.
As we understood.......

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Take a break

Today was nice I woke up and it was less chatter...It has been more chatter than usual in the mornings. This is where I blog and turn it over to god in the mornings and do the footwork.
I met with a buddhist monk in recovery to talk over some problems I am looking at currently and he gave me some great advice.
1. Take a break, I don't have to be on the front line of painful lessons constantly.
Yes more is revealed I hear certain things and I feel part of my being is lost in an illusion I cant comprehend fully the concepts discussed. This is where my work lies unraveling the the illusions I have created.
Ok yes I forgot take a break.
Manjushri holds a sword in one hand and rides a tiger, Wisdom.....
For HP and moments
12 steps and the gifts
New Cameras compact size
The documentary is being infused again we need it

Manjushri's sword of discriminating wisdom is tipped with flames to show that it severs all notions of duality. It can cut away delusion, aversion and longing, to reveal understanding, equanimity and compassion.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Working the steps

I worked with my sponsee yesterday it was rewarding to work step one with her. She does not believe in God I found this to be her hesitancy but she showed up despite herself. Working with her helps me with my program I realize my own hesitancy in life my ego wants to hold on to the old way I drove through life.
This for me is where I it over to HP and trust there is a plan for me in my life.
" I can old onto my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to admit, or I can put my energy where it can
do me some good right now, and surrender to my HP' care"
HP holds it all up for everyone
12 steps are slow for me to grasp but slowly they begin to be understood
My sponsee is a great teacher for me in her hesitancy but she continues to show up
My apple tree is getting ready for harvest it is possible in an urban enviornment to have fruits
My relationship with my Husband has improved slowly

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in Gods hands, that I still possess
Martin Luther

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Commit to recovery

It was a nice weekend just relaxing with friends and my Husband. I am learning how to take care of myself more. My home group meeting is on Saturday.This last weeks meeting was hectic, shaming and learning how to speak up for myself without getting angry. The treasuer announced to the group the GSR (me) caused the treasury to go overfunds. I had announced to the treasurer in advance the trips above average expense. At the buisness meeting a particular individual in our group tired to dominate the discussion and it was negative against my spending. This individual is loud and talks non stop causing members to withdraw.
I was dissapointed that the treasurer announced particulars in the manner she chose to the group at large. The discussion continued and a member reeled this person in so others got an opportunity to express thier feelings. In the end this is all about growing and showing up for myself, I am grateful I was at the AA meeting. Next week I am bringing in the DCM and a chair person to go over the role and advantages of having a GSR for a group.
HP will never let me down
The 12 steps are a learning tool
Life is full of all kinds of messages if I can see them and not get lost in the illusion
one moment at a time
Alanon (AA) meetings fellowship, Steps, Traditions, and literature all help me to improve my ability to help others. I will renew my commitment to recovery today.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Easy Does It

Foggy day today and heading to my home group at 12 noon. I enjoy this meeting lots of old timers and new comers which is a great mix. I do have times where i feel uncomfortable in meetings I have a sense of feeling left out. I don't know where these feelings come from but I have carried them all my life.
It's a Holiday and the bridge is closed we have less traffic which means less noise. I love the city.
Things in my brain seem to steer toward the less than this morning but I can turn it over to my HP. I don't have to figure it out
I will try to stay in gratitude just for today.
1. HP
2. 12 steps help guide me through life
3. The moment has serenity if I can stay in it
4. My health is good
5. my relationship is steering itself out of troubled times

"I will try to apply "Easy Does It" to every incident that might increase the tension and cause an explosion."
One Day at at time in Alanon

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

God alone knows the secret plan

Today was a nice day today I worked on my project. My buisness partner and I are applying for grants. There are moments I struggle with her, but most of the time I try to keep focused on the ultimate goal to complete the project. I spoke my feelings today in regards to a concept expressing it in a mature and thoughtful manner. Maturity not sure where this came from maybe it's part of the program working in my life.
In the past I might have argued over my concepts or agreed on her thoughts and argued later on. Every day I pray from knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out.
But it was a smooth day and I am grateful for the serenity I allowed myself. Learning to love and take care of myself feels uncomfortable at times but change takes time.
Willingness to show up to meetings and turn it over to HP is important for me.
I have seen real change occur in the rooms and this is so beautiful to watch and be a part of this change.
1. HP is at work all day long for all peoples
2. 12 step work is very inspiring
3. Just for today I can let in some praise for myself and my life
4. I love reading literature including recovery lit
5. Need to visit my family back in the midwest

"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"

Monday, August 31, 2009

Let Go and Let God

This was a nice weekend I took H out to dinner at a wonderful restaurant. My last job paid me in a restaurant voucher.
I tried to keep it simple between us but I want to talk about the last month and his withdrawal from the relationship.
But I know this conversation could draw us back into a silence again and this is a painful place to reside.
What can I do to take care of myself? Let go and let god
God is doing for me what I can not do for myself. I am turning it over and looking for a new way to deal with the situation.

1. HP
2. God is working in ways I don't always understand
3. Doing the footwork in the program
4. For my 12 meeting they are a wonderful group of people
5. I live in a wonderful place right near the ocean

"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unahppiness, we must learn new ways of living, new ways of relating to one another"
How Can I Help My Children?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Right Now

It is wonderful hot day the sun is shinning! It's been a foggy summer so far and I am glad the weather has changed.
I am feeling pretty good these days things have calmed again between H and I. His brother came to visit us with his daughter and it softened the home. Still I am not sure where I fit into the disfunction of the silent days although he is verbally abusive if I engage in any way. Learning to take care of myself and own up to my part in the madness is difficult.
One day at a time. Today I am going to try and stay in the gratitude of my life.
Keep it simple and enjoy the moments.
I worked yesterday at the Zen center and had a chance to listen to the early days of buddhism in the US. It was interesting at times a little burdened by over intellectualizing. I have gotten alot of relief and insight into my life with my 12 step buddhist work.
1. HP
2. My program= got to work it to keep for it to work
3. Finished my 3rd step and want to meet with my sponsor
4. My life is pretty good
5. for right now holding some peace and serenity

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Turn it over

I have a great life! Sometimes I get caught up in what I dont have instead of the wonderful life I have created. Without the program I would have none of the serenity that I manage to put together and try not to fear loosing it all. My husbands relatives are staying with us for a few days. I came back from a vacation full of a house of people. The difficult part is taking care of myself in their wants and needs for a vacation. I loose myself in taking care of others, then I resent them for not taking care of me. Classic co and Alanon stuff. Last night I went to a meeting despite myself.
Showing up for me is a challenge sometimes I get lost in the old me.
My dream this morning was of one of my husbands relatives R who lives close to us although we never see one another. I was doing all the work but I still resented her for not being able to show up. We had been college friends and I wanted to keep the connection. What does this tell me? I abonden myself and have a sense of loss within me but with Alanon I can look at this inner part of who I am. I can take care of Dianne without abondoning me by taking care of others.
1. HP and turning it over
2. Life has a way of working things out

Sunday, August 23, 2009

This too shall pass

Came home after a few days of vacation to NY. My friend and I attended meetings almost everyday 7 am. The first meeting I felt very uncomfortable and I wasnt sure why I was feeling shut down and anxious. I couldnt wait to leave the room and wanted some protection from my friend. The next day after the meeting I knew what the feelings were of being violated came up for me, I sat through the entire meeting despite my feelings. I knew I was going to be safe and protected with the program surronding me. I spoke about some of my feelings with my friend and in some ways I was excited to recognize where my uncomfortableness came from instead of feeling isolated from the world and a freak. On the other hand alot of sadness came up due to my childhood memories that are still a part of my life as an adult. The next meeting I went to the same location and a new awareness came to me. The meeting was held in an upstairs bedroom in a brick home. As a child I grew up scared in my upstairs room many nights I would climb out my window to the protection of the roof. It was a steep roof and dangerous I could have really hurt myself, but I took the risk of falling.
This was a new revelation and one that caused me alot of pain and sadness as a child.
I dont feel the need to give details of the events that happend to me as a young girl but today I am safe and have some serenity. I am grateful for the program and my willingness to trust HP has a plan for me.
This too shall pass

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


The GSR meeting went well tonight watched the anarchy in action, there are no leaders. Really I love the fact that people get a chance to voice their feelings and opinions everyone listens and there are no leaders. If change happens I do believe it does very slowly one step at a time just like we work the program. I try not to take it all too seriously as I have in the past with all that is said. People are really trying thier best in recovery I do believe this.
A few people have dropped out of service which I find sad, as they have also stopped going to meetings altogether. The next step could be a drink for them. This is really the only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking. It takes some people years to accomplish not picking up a drink. For me I was lucky once I got a few meetings behind me I dont for today have to drink.
Trying not to future project is my secret to staying sober.
"No matter whether the alcoholic in my life is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now".
1. HP and acceptance
2. meditation group on Monday nights is full of alot of wisdom
3. FF miles on United
4. Grants and the arts
5. My family I am so lucky they are good people

"You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself" Ethel Barrymore

Monday, August 10, 2009


I went to an out of town AA event this weekend. Due to service I am learning alot more about the program and meeting other like minded peoples, some more like minded than others. It was a large gathering of people I gave a ride to a friend of mine who encouraged me to do more service. I focused on staying on the positive and keeping it simple. I realized that large groups are hard for me it gives me anxiety to listen with lots of noise, and be present for the conversation. How do I take care of myself?
Lots of opportunities to grow even with people in the program they are trying their best in life. I take care of myself by sometimes to going to smaller settings and groupings so I can listen and learn.
It's all good as my friend Tony AA says
1. HP
2. Program and the group
3. Being Annonymous big part of the program and recovery
4. Keeping it Simple
5. My haircut still looks good without all the prepping and goop from the stylist

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Woke up feeling fine my brain wasn't running around as usual and the sun is shining. I am going for a walk along the ocean and look for my surfing Alanon friend. She and I were friends before the program and have entered recovery together. We dont talk much now but that is fine. In the past I spent hours on the phone listening to her go over details that were none of my business. This I thought was what was expected from a friend, I would get a huge resentment feeling like her hostage. I have to take responsibility for how I participated in the crazy relationship going along to feel like she needed me.
Fulfilling my sick need for abandonment. She was just being who she was.
Our relationship has changed and this is for the better I believe. It is nice having the program to label some of my feelings and experiences that used to baffle me. Shutting down as a kid left me not fully engaged in my own life, I was a passenger.
There are some days where I still feel uncomfortable and I am not sure what is happening with my feelings but this is less and less.
The program has given me so much to be grateful for.
1. HP and meditation
2. Knowledge
3. My haircut I just love it
4. Being able to Laugh at Life
5. All things change from moment to moment

"Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too" Voltaire

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Step 3

Practice Step 3 Turning my will and life to the care of HP. This is a step I really need to practice and have the opportunity to
turn it over more and more. In the past I really dont know if I trusted God would be there for me. I still have problems with the The word God .
Turn my will over God will take care of me and the rest of the world.
My husband, Myself
I practice and I keep doing the footwork despite myself
1. HP
2. Health
3. Music
4. Choices I have today
5. The Program need to get to a meeting

"Faith takes practice. I will include my HP in more of my actions and descisions today. Step 3 suggests I teach myself, from this moment on, to be receptive, to open myself to help from my HP." Al-Anon Twelve Steps

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Turn it over

Woke up and began by reading blogs of other AA members. It is nice to begin the day with recovery on my mind it gives me a sense of peace knowing there are other like minded in the world. Today I have alot of work to do with my Bio this involves getting in my car driving for 40 minutes and picking up the writer to go to a cafe. The piece seems to be shaping up and boy am I glad.
I hired a friend of mine at a greatly reduced rate who has lost it all and she doesn't drink, but she smokes pot. Her husband passed away and it all came crumbling down around her. My program has to be worked around her, to not fix her. I guess this is the gift I get in all of it. She reminded me yesterday that she is giving me a great rate but she has no work so I am her job right now. A part of me felt like it could be a difficult situation working with her but I have to say it is turning out fine.
She has her HP and I have my HP. I don't have to fix her she is where she needs to be. She knows I am in the program if she wants what I have there are plenty of meetings I can guide her to in the neighborhood.
1. HP is there for the whole world
2. My program is working for me every second if I work it
3. My health is great right now for this i am grateful
4. My ablility to show up for myself
5. Friends

"My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine" In All Our Affairs

Monday, August 3, 2009


Went to a 8 hour meditation retreat on Sunday, it was difficult but not as bad as the first. I have to say watching my mind left me with a sense of freedom. I sat and felt uncomfortable but didn't have to run, didn't have to do anything I just watched.
This is very freeing for me I am not these crazy thoughts that race through my brain. I shared after the 12 step meeting
that I have to go home to anger, well what is my part in it? I really am not sure at the moment and haven't been for a month now.
But I can still be happy joyous and free despite this difficult stage in my life. Oh yes I can one step at a time.
This is incredible for today I felt it for some reason meditation really helped me.
" I simply step back and watch my thoughts as if I were watching a play. I try to keep my attention on the present day only, leaving the past and the future alone" Courage to Change
1. HP and trusting in it's presence
2. pineapple when the stomach gets churned up helps, I read Alanon members have bad stomaches and I can testify to this
3. Warm days and the beauty each day offers
4. A car that starts up
5. My sponsee is trying so hard I am grateful I can be of service

I am also grateful for Kevin Griffin's Book One Breath at a time, it really deepened my recovery work.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

This Too shall pass

This morning has unfolded and I have to work my program alot on the weekends. My husband is home and very difficult.
He is still in his silent mode not acknowledging me, he wakes up and immediately heads for his downstairs office. It is very hurtful to live with him when my life is impacted in this way.
But I am going to have a good day and not worry about his happiness I did not cause him to be mean spirited.
My noon meeting is coming up so I am going to get ready to begin my weekend in a positive way.
"Remembering that this too shall pass can make it easier to get through a difficult day. I will be very gentle with myself during these time. Some extra loving care and attention to myself can make everything a little easier.
1. HP is ready for me at any moment
2. life has many opportunities
3. Meetings
4. Good healthy food

"I am equal to what life presents when I use the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the slogans, lliterature, sponsorship, conventions, and most importantly meetings."
In All Our Affairs

Friday, July 31, 2009


Yesterday I had a surprise at the end of the day. I wanted to see a director speaking at a local theatre one of my favorites.
I hoped in the car and got stuck in traffic arrived late at the theatre and was told it was sold out...I begged and pleaded but the
manager would not let me in. Walking away I tried to let it go and enjoy the street fair. It was time for dinner and had a great snack. Again I walked back to the theatre and sat at a cafe nearby. As I left the cafe a woman walked out of the theatre and I asked her how it was? I love Jane Campion and let her know it.
She asked if I wanted to watch the remainder of the show, she began to search for the ticket and found it after several minutes.
I walked into the theatre and saw Jane speak for free due to the kindness of a stranger. It was an incredible gift from a woman I dont know, life has alot of gifts if I can see them.

1. HP and the soft way
2. Forgiveness and Letting Go of the doom and gloom
3. Life and its gifts
4. Music

"I want to grow in my willingness to make room in my life for good times, having faith in their arrival and patience and anticipation" Living with sobriety

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Power Greater than Ourselves

In this moment I will not react to the world I will try to the best of my ability to let go and let god.
Oh I wish this were so easy it is such a struggle for me. I spin with my head and spin and spin
My latest spin is with my business partner and what she should do for me, and of course my husband what a wreck our relationship is this summer. I try and practice my program through it all and keep the focus on learning and detaching.
This really is the key for me knowledge sets me free from the habituation of the old ways. The movie that plays in my mind.
I feel crazy with my movie, this morning I feel pretty good despite it all.

Pema Chodron: This is what Buddhists mean when they say, "Don't get caught in the content, go to the underlying hooked quality, the sticky quality, the urge, the attachment."
1. Willingness to turn it over to HP
2. Letting go of my old way and embrace me under it all
3. I Have a wonderful life with plenty
4. Yoga has helped me tremendously with my pains
"Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was neccescary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves" Alanon

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Old Ways

My husband has decided to come out of his rage and slowly is saying a few sentences. Where am I in all this?
By not apologizing for something I did not feel was my fault, I keep the fire fueled. Learning that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". I begin to feel sorry for myself and that my life with him has been a waste, I am doomed.
Old ways of keeping my victim status alive and well and our relationship sick.
The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless i permit it.
Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth? Could I possibly be getting some benefits from accepting humiliation?
Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program.
1. HP loves me despite myself
2. One day at a time I work the Program to the best of my ability
3. Might go camping this weekend where there is sun and not fog
4. Life is unfolding around me and will continue to unfold

"There is much to appreciate in this life. I wont waste another moment feeling sorry for myself."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Keep It Simple

Still dealing with my husbands rage attack it has gone for over one month now. What do I do to take care of myself?
Try to keep it simple I notice my mind starts to spin and think negative thoughts. I take the rage internally, it embarrasses me I am not farther in my program. But this is where I am at...progress not perfection.
I am trying to keep it positive despite the horrible situation at home. Keep the focus on taking care of myself. It is hard for me I still want it to be alright and take in the rage. What is my part in all this?
"Each day is an opportunity to build a supply of positive spiritual experiences. Today I will take note of what happens when I trust my Higher Power"
1. HP surrounds me
2. Take Care of Myself
3. Work the Program it is an opportunity to go farther into the recovery
4. Keep It Simple and not to try and figure it all out
5. Yoga is an healing and loving way to treat myself
6. coffee is good and delicious especially when I save money and make it at home

"By far the best proof is experience" Francis Bacon

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What you think of me is none of my buisness

My husband and I are going through a difficult time. I feel abandoned, threatened and unlovable when these situations occur they have followed us through our marriage. I care about him but find it hard to love him when these problems come up. I used to in the past follow him down his rage trail, awful things were done to each other. Lashing out verbally, tearing each other down it caused such horrible wreckage. I often felt it was all my fault and that I had caused him to act this way toward me. Then I would act out in a way that was harmful to me, the rage I felt was turned inward. But today due to my program I can try and step back from his actions. What he says about me is none of my business. Staying detached is very difficult for me I want to engage and fix it....fix it and his rage and make it all right for us.
"Today I will let it begin with me". I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; I can begin by refusing to accept it from myself. I can choose to behave courteously and with dignity."
1. HP loves me and has never left me
2. The Program for welcoming me back
3. Family they are trying very hard
4. For the ability to look at my life
5. For Tylenol
6. Work in all it's unfolding

"My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free."
Alanon is for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Morning blogging a new addition to my day..My mind is busy when I wake up this is when I begin to try and shake it all off and read some program literature. Meditation has helped me to stand back from all the thoughts and to start with a clean slate.

"In every quiet moment I can find to calm my mind and think through the day ahead of me, I am meditating. During these moments by clearing my mind and asking my Higher Power to guide me, I find answers to my concerns.. I don't always expect or enjoy the answers I get, but to turn away from them causes even greater turmoil." Courage to Change

1. Hp loves me in all my darkest parts
2. The Program has given me such a rich rewarding life
3. My meditation program and the monk who runs it, he has made it feel like a safe place.
4. My new friends in the program
5. learning new skills
6. Being able to run once in a while, it is difficult but one step at a time I am proceeding

"Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know." Shakespeare

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Detachment living my life

Trying to blog more means writing in the morning. I have gone through another level in my program learning to evaluate one area of my life that is troublesome. How do I accomplish this? I step back and don't immediatley respond, I listen and then I give my answer, and detach from the outcome.
"Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have on our lives."
Yes I have to keep this alive in my program, I was the caretaker as a kid and continue to take everyones inventory. I want to learn to take care of myself more. Taking care of me without having to breakdown till it gets so bad I am sick.

1. For HP
2. The Sun
3. My program and reaching out to more newcomers
4. Friends

"God give me the detachment to accept those things I cannot alter;
the courage to alter those things I can alter;
and the wisdom to distinguish the one thing from the other." Serenity Prayer 2nd half

Monday, July 6, 2009

Do what you can

Monday morning love Mondays I have Yoga and a meditation class later on in the day. It's what helps keep me in progress. Having some difficult days but nothing I cant work my program around, one day at a time. If I do the footwork all else follows.
"Today I will make use of the precious gift of imagination. Thus I will turn away from negativity, self doubt, and fear, and celebrate life itstead."
1. HP
2. Daily reader, Courage to Change
3. Sunshine we need it in SF
4. choices
5. step back from my crazy thinking

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are"
Teddy Rossevelt

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Grateful for being an Alanon member

Cold in SF today the grey sky filled me up and I took it all in. Yep that just about sums it all up the first half went fine, I met with a new sponsee. B and I had coffee and it was revealed God is a problem for her. I just added, yes the mind can find alot of things to attach to and not like, it doesnt want to let go of the old self. She is bottoming out and doesnt want to let go and trust.
I understand it was hard for me and some days it still is difficult. But I can say it is getting easier one day at a time. She mentioned she just cant go on, she doesnt know what to do. I replied, well follow these steps and your life will change in ways you dont even imagine. Again letting go of what it should be is also a big part of the program. I really hope she can show up for herself. If it gets so painful she cant go on with the old self then recovery might be a part of her new life.
Thats what I want to be thankful for is the sponsee who reminds me of what I need to work on myself.
I think my work is a fraud sometimes and I get so down on myself. I didnt of course reveal all my darkness to the new one...
but that is why I have a sponsor and work the steps.
One day at a time
1. for HP and the gifts I am given daily
2. Keeping my mouth shut when it wants to snap back to every word today
3. For selling some clothing and making a little money and recycling good things for others
4. Calling my sister and trying to keep it in a good frame of chat
5. Watching my mind and it's crazy lengths it tries to take me into

"You will find yourself in various situations, and you will intuitively know what you should do"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Keep It Simple

Today I was down all day with a migraine, It was a bad one I could'nt see without pain. Luckily I took medication which kept it to 5 hours not all day. I am grateful that it at least my condition has been diagnosed and I know what I am dealing with.
In the past I just thought it was a flu and I was getting it each month, a friend helped guide me and my doctor
finally. When I get down in bed I start to feel helpless and this brings on hopeless and that my life is over. But just for today I don't have to entertain these thoughts. Try to keep it simple and do the footwork. One step at a time.
1. HP guides me
2. Migraine meds
3. My program and all the gifts I have been given
4. The film jury is over and I can rest and begin to work on other projects
5. Friends they help me so much
6. For the grant we received for our film project

"Today I can accept myself for what I am because I know that whatever happens, I have a Higher Power and a group of people who will love me anyway" In All Our Affairs

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Victim Role but yet again....

A couple of days ago I felt I was being victimized. My friend invited me to dinner with her boyfriend. She rushed to sit near his friends as he had his back to her and was ignoring her. The new seating arrangement had her boyfriend now sitting with his back to me the whole dinner, she also ignored me as she gulped more and more red wine. I came home enraged I felt I was being victimized. In the past I may have drunk over another persons bad behavior toward me. My rage was directed at me,
I caused them to act in a certain way. But I did not cause this behavior and I can not control these people.
What can I do differently in the future to take care of myself?
I know I am not helpless I have choices. I can resist the urge to blame others and look to my own involvement instead. That is where I can make changes.
1. God has a plan and will not let me out of his sight
2. My life is a reflection of my attitude and working a program keeps my attitude at it's clearest
3. The world has suffering it is how I deal with the suffering that sets me free
4. Love trying to love my husband is difficult I am trying to find one thing to like ...his laugh is nice though
5. For my non profit and learning to give myself credit
6. My family and all their follies

I would do well to accept the challenge to look to my own recovery before I spent any more of my precious life wishing the alcoholic would change.......Living with sobriety

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Step 2

I have so much to thank Alanon, my life was taken over by a crazy
Oh yes my marriage was in a horrible mess and I was depressed. I felt like I was doomed and just going through life I was so misreable. I had no tools to take me into a life, my program helped me develope skills. Listening to other people talk about their problems I realized I was not alone. Turn it all over sister Turn it over
Higher Power, whatever that is out there or in here inside ...guides me, enfolds me, loves me
My therapist years ago told me all the answers are inside you, I kept thinking there was some golden calf and I was in search of it.
"Today I will focus on my own behvior, If it could stand some improvement, I will ask a power greater than myself for help."
Courage to Change
1. Meditation and the 12 steps
2. My health again I have a cold but less migraines with the medicine that allows me to lead a somewhat pain free life
3. Cooking good food and having friends over to eat with
4. The Sun has been foggy here lately

"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed" Chinese Proverb

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Keep it simple

Today I was overwhelmed with duties so many things I had to accomplish and nothing was getting done. I eventually took out my timer which helps me get focused. I am such a task maker and want to get it all done
The program has taught me to do the footwork and all else follows, keep it simple.
Feelings of self hatred often follow me when I get into these feelings.
Why dont I I should Have I could Have My life is over.....damn I had these thoughts when I was a teenager.
If I can stay in the moment alot gets happening things fall into place.

"This day is all I have to work with, and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrows concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today". Courage to Change
That I am sober and havent sabotaged myself with hangovers
God or Goddess is always watching over me
I dont have to fix anybody right now
Desert panocotta I like it better than cheesecake
Sun it feels so good on my body

"The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point" Mahmud Shabistari

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Rise to the Occasion without resenting it later

Tonight I shared ny story at a Alanon meeting on the spur of a moment call. I shocked myself by saying sure I would be there to share my story. I didnt get the tornado inside and burn up till my body and I were seperate. Sitting in the chair I was present and kept it sweet and short didnt go back and share too many of the gory details of my childhood. I do feel I leave out the fun that was present in my childhood but there is always something. So for my next share I will try and bring more the fun into
it I did laugh in my share and so did the rest of the people also. One of the old members of Alanon confessed she has never had a sponsor nor has she done the steps I think she has 10 years....crazy really
Oh well turn it over
1. HP walked with me today and will always no matter what
2. The program works when I work it
3. for the beatiful day today full of crisp air and sunshine
4. for my home and scrubbing bon ami to remove the shoe marks from the humane society bird rescue mission at my home
5. The Courage to Change handbook
6. For coffee it really helps me

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Let Go and Let God

I have been busy this week not one meeting! Missing my meetings is like not brushing my teeth I really like to go and check in.
So I go on the blogs and read and relax and try to check in with myself.
Let go and Let God
teaches us to release problems that trouble and confuse us, becuase we are not able to solve them by ourselves
This is Alanon
That My HP is with me all the time
My victim presona is getting weaker in ALanon
For the fresh salad today with sunflower greens
My life I have a wonderful life and to be grateful for it
For recovery and all that it entails

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feeling odd

Oh it happened tonight at a ALanon party, yes the feeling of odd ...don't fit in....these people are crazy
I was speaking to a fellow member and felt like she was taking me hostage and I couldn't pull myself from talking to her.
I felt like I had to take care of her to take care of myself. Trust HP has a plan for them and turn their life over to God.
Yes that is it ..and as the evening wore on I finally took myself out of being held hostage and talked to other party goers.
It felt good that I took care of myself. But what did i get out of this behavior? By me taking care of her I was taking care of myself.
Let Go and Let God
1. HP is here right now
2. My office is a pretty nice space to work in
3. I don't have alot of stuff
4. my migraine left with medicine I didn't have to lie in bed all day
5. Alanon is there to surround and love me no matter what i think
"I discovered to secret of the sea in the meditation upon a dewdrop"
Kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Let Go and Let God

Oh yea what a week, full of relatives staying at my home. I do love family but one of my problems is having boundaries
with them, i merge and become one. Then the resentments begin...oh yea those pesky creatures
My nephew graduated from college and was at the top of his class he did great. I really am proud of him and wish him great success in his life. I reminded his parents way in advance they might like to have a party for their son. In the past my husband and I have picked up their slack and had many a dinner party on their behalf. N just walks in and watches me do all the work... I would get angier and angier as the evening wore on. Taking up her slack left me angry and resentful I needed to detach from the situation and Let Go and Let god take over...not me
I prepared myself with their upcoming graduation, to let them take care of themselves. The night before my husband offered to make bbq for 15 people, I backed out. I just am not willing to carry the resentment. I told N I was not going to have the bbq for their son in the most loving tone I could muster and really meant it. Everything worked out just the way it was supposed to
they ordered Thai food at 10pm and we ate chips. This is the program working in my life one day at a time.
I felt like their was real accomplishment in my life that night it felt like a miracle happened.
Grateful today
1. HP was with me all day and night
2. My sister in law can take care of herself
3. The program works in small ways
4. The program has a plan for me

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Tired tonight had a great day woke up at 6a to head off to the flee market.
Didnt feel I needed any more items but wanted to meet an old friend. This friend loves flee market and so the story unfolds. She and I havent been seeing it eye to eye since I have doubled up my program. I am beginning to like myself more and due to this cant take abuse as I used to. The holidays cemented the last of what kind of a friendship I have with N. She cant be there like a friend so I have to detach and let go. Cant change cant cure it and didnt cause it...somethin like that
"When I thought about how much I had to be gratful for my fantasy showed itself to be no more than a shadow. Reality presented itself a different picture entirely"
Courage to Change
1.HP surronded me today
2. I detahced from a situation that could have been toxic today
3. The beautiful planter I purchased and fought for at the flee market
4. That the day turned out nice I gardened and loved being outside
5. Friends they bring alot to my life
6. My skin is healing from juicing and salves

Saturday, June 6, 2009

poor me

Had a full day lots of running around and errands to catch up on. My most recent job has paid me little and there is whole new skill set I have to catch up on. I would like to examine my attitude about this project. Become a victim or set a challenge and do the best work with a good attitude even though I may not make a good salary this time around. I would like to set up a new place for D with a new outlook.
Part of me wants to always be the one who gets the shaft everyone else has the goodies.
"Blaming my discomfort on outside events can be a way to avoid facing the real cause-my own attitudes. I can see myself as a victim, or I can accept what is happening in my life and take responsibility for my response. I may be guided to take action or to sit still, but when I listen to the guidance of my Higher Power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances" Courage to Change
1. HP never let me down
2. Music it brought alot of joy to me today
3. The meeting tonight along with it's cast of characters
4. Apple and it's help with IDVD
5. Yoga and my teacher it has changed my back and now my neck
6. The night and the joy of it's rest

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Drive Myself

Beautiful day today the sun peeked through the fog and yes there is light ...
My medical problems still surface today was another test. I feel so lucky to have such a great Doctor she makes me laugh despite it all. My husband took me to the appointment he was trying hard to show up. We have remained married for almost 30 years, some years were better than others. Alanon has really added to our relationship,it helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing thier best. Driving home tonight he began to get aggressive on the road, his behvior scares me I want to control him. My old part wants to fight him, teach him, correct him...Engage in his bad behavior. With the help of Alanon I try and seperate from his behavior and detach from the descisions he makes about his life. When possible I try not to ride with him in a car, I like to drive myself. Practice Turning my life over to HP he she has a plan for me. By detaching and letting go I can forgive and let go of my resentment toward him. Loving myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back.
"Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someones neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead."
Courage to Change
1. HP is with me all day
2. The Program holds me when I cant hold myself
3. The surgery went well and I felt little pain
4. Made a delicous fresh pineaplle juice
5. Relatives had a great dinner no gossip
6. Sun peeked out later in the day

Letting Go Of Stuff

My relatives are here visiting again. In some ways I have always happy when they come it pushes me to do more in the home and get things done. The little things in that I have wanted to do for a while but just didnt have time or the drive. Lately I do let go of things much easier than I used to. Goodwill bound get rid of it if you are not using it. That feels great to free myself of clutter, not that my home is cluttered it is not. I can trust that the universe has a plan for me and trust in a HP that it will all work out like it is supposed to. The real freedom for me has to do with letting go and detaching from the outcome. Let Go of the stuff.........
"Today I take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life."
Courage to Change
1. HP
2. Coffee love to have a cup later in the day and today was not an exception
3. My husband I love him and thank him for being in my life
4. Great home made dinner
5. Costco and the great new toothbrush I bought for my teeth
6. That I have nice teeth and hope to take care of them till I pass from the earth
7. For my recovery program and all the gifts it has given to me
8. That my friend is back in the program after a slip

Sunday, May 31, 2009

My posts seem to reflect more on my past today I want to reflect on this day. Today. This Moment
Today I went to the MOMA museum to see Kentridge with my friend. Amazing show
full of beautiful images and strong political statments. I related to the show of
Gogols abusrd plays, the nose for instance. The absurdity of life. Laugh at life it's all just a play...
Drove to pick up my friend C it was her birthday present. So sad to see her go farther and farther downward with her boyfriend. He drinks and more stuff surronds her in the apartment. We are talking mountains of stuff along with 2 cats. The place smells horrible and she no longer invites people in.
I want or I try to accept her where she is, I repeat words such as "I don't have to fix her." This is the gift I get is to detach with love from her. But I feel like I am betraying her if I dont say anthing.
It is so damn hard for me to try and not fix someone especially C I care about her.
But I think it is best for me to work on myself first.
God grant me to serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can.
" When I admit I am powerless I make room for the possibility that a Power greater than myself can do all those things that are beyond my reach. In other words I begin to learn about what is and is not, my responsiblity. As this becomes clear, I am better able to do my part, for myself and for others, and better able to ask God to do the rest." Courage to Change
Gratitude for Today
1. HP has a plan for me
2. I have a program to guide me, it will never aboden me
3. Got a chance to sing at the Center today-Let there be peace on Earth
4. Went to the museum and expereince profound work
5. Laughed with a friend
6. Ate a great meal with my husband
7. Enjoyed my garden

"We canot tell what may happen to us in the strange malady of life. But we can decide what happens in us-how we can take it, what we do with it-and that is what really counts in the end.
Joseph Fort Newton


Friday, May 29, 2009

Tired tonight I havent been to a meeting in a few days. This bothers me when I cant get to a meeting I will begin to get uncentered and feeling uneasy with myself. Yes this is it, I like meetings they ground me and let me know I am not alone. The program does for me what I can not do alone, the fellowship.
So I sat at home relaxed and read recovery info, it helps me to connect to the program.
The shoot went well today, taping kids singing along to a music jam. THey jumped and clapped and rolled on the ground. Their parents were happy also engaged with the moment. Later on in the day I went to lunch and a father played on his iphone as his son sat beside him eating a hamburger. I felt sad for this boy his father was off in another space as his lovely boy sat beside him. I glanced into his iphone watching him play solitare. What a crazy man wanted to take his phone and throw it in the tub of ketchup on a nearby stand. It is none of my buisness but it sure was a nice fantasy, thinking or the card game glub glub to the bottom of the tub.

" There are many areas of my life that I cannot change. What I can change is my attitude. Today I can accept my life as it is. I can be grateful and happy, here and now, with what I have." Courage to Change

Life holds so much so much to be happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can be felt only if you dont set conditions.
Arthur Runinstein

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Great day today working outside shooting motorcycle footage. The morning began great then a little altercation began. I stepped back and let it unfold and didn't try to fix it. The two parties got involved and I sat and listened. Never offered advice,
didn't feel bad that I couldn't solve it, and it all worked out just fine without my help. It was none of my business, I was just and observer. This is really the program working for me. In the past I would have tried to work it out and felt sad that I couldn't...guilty and sad
Amazing I even can say that I have feelings because I had shut them down so far inside they had drowned. Drowned in anxiety attacks.
But today I did have feelings and they didn't have to be involved in a problem instead I could take care of myself.
The motorcycles raced by and I stayed in the moment taping the event. It was a great day, the hills were green from rains.
"I was convinced that I had to take care of everything and everybody- I had no choice. But with the help of Alanon I have learned that, while I do have responsibilities there are also many things I do not have to do:" Courage to Change
1. HP was with me all day and night, night and day
2. The Alanon program is always there for me
3. My husband and I had some nice moments together
4. The videotaping went great the footage looks fantastic
5. Nice to get out of town the fog has been thick lately
6. Fun to laugh about the craziness of life

Nothing can bring you peace but Yourself

Monday, May 25, 2009

Ego Centered

Ego-centered people don't love themselves. They become ego-centered to overcompensate for the fact that they don't love themselves.

Ego does nothing for anyone else without expecting something in return. Ego-centered people are constantly striving for the next achievement or the next pay-off so they can feel self-important. The reality is that they are not "self" important.

Ego-centered people may actually dislike themselves and are very busy being ego-centered in order to hide their true feelings of self-hatred.

I read this post today and it really hit home. Still letting my crazy thinking run me for the past few days. But I dont have to attach to the feelings, I can detach these are only thoughts. My obsession was triggered today by someone in the program a friend talking to me about how good looking she is, how her relationship is so wonderful, how she doesnt have any problems anymore, it disgusted me to listen to her. I have to learn how to let go and let god take care of her. I find it really difficult to listen to her just like listening to my Mom. Not feeling like I can say anything it might hurt their feelings, betraying my inner life. It is good to just let go and let god. What does this mean to me? I would like to look at this more
Learning how to express myself and let go with love. Love.
I am trying to use my mind to figure it out, dangerous place the mind.

1.Hp has a plan for me I can let go and let god
2. Trusting in the Program
3. lauging today at life it is absurd and crazy thank god
4. shopping for family coming in a week
5. videotaping a bike carny golf course to be
6. Loving the sun it broke through in a sliver
"Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was neccescary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves"
Alanons Twelve steps and twelve traditions

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake
Victor Hugo

This was a nice weekend easy my mind still twirled had a spiral from Friday. My meeting was hard for me I felt insecure out of sorts wanted to control. I really had no idea that I operated from a place of such low self esteem. Geez makes me laugh at myself
I listened to a meeting last week and the entire room save for a couple of people talked about some sadness in their lives. I do believe being raised in a drinking home leaves you shattered with some sadness. A deep well of feelings that I had shut off. I had and still have anxiety attacks. It is a dark deep well some days I can drink in it and not drown in it. But then there are other days.
Yes it could be a human condition, also as they say in Buddhism life is suffering. It is how we deal with this suffering that
is a choice. What a relief I feel watching these words on a page. Relief I have a choice. Lovely
My life is good
My life is confusing and sad some days
My life
So glad to have this life
HP has been with me always
All the answers lie within and have always been with me
I ate a great lunch with some wonderful chats
My husband and I laughed together
I accepted myself today with not alot of judgements
That the sun was only one hours drive away
Great music is playing on the radio

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Scrubbing bubbles

Had a wonderful day today really just peaceful cleaning. Omm Shanti Omm scrubbing bubbles
But I enjoyed scrubbing, using the jet stream water hose, organic orange cleaners shooting away grime. This was all done with my husband he never works with me or rarely. It was hard on me that he didnt want to help most of the time. When we did help one another we argued the entire time. With the help of Alanon this has changed slowly very slowly.
The sun was out it was a fantastic day in SF land, cool with hot air. These are the days that I fell in love with the city when I moved here from Chi town. I felt like I had come back to myself here, and got recovery here, and fell here, and one day at a time came back into the program. I am just so damn grateful that I got to show up for my life and have the courage strength and hope to work a program.
1. HP has a plan for me if I can stay out of the way
2. The program guides me I can trust in the process
3. Heard a great share this Saturday shook up the rooms
4. Have wonderful friends
5. Love my husband today I have no regrets with him
6. I do like organic cleaning products slowly I have weaned off chemicals and feel healthier without it.

"Human beings by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of thier lives" William James

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Let Go Let God

This is my first time writing in the morning, my head is usually spinning as soon as I wake up. My thoughts take me to problems
and the game begins. The charges have taken me on this journey since I was a kid. This is how it went and goes for me.
What can I do to change this pattern...I went to a soul train site to laugh that is right to laugh. I am usually involved in deep dark I am no good kind of good thoughts. And I then opened up courage to change which I love..
"My Imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from god as my success and my talents, and I lay them both at this feet."
Mahtma Ghandi
Lovely acceptance of me for where I am at instead of beating myself over the head about where I should be, say, have, or what I lost...those are a few of the negative trainings I spin. Since I was a kid this is where I went....
1. That I have HP and it guides me and loves me no matter what
2. the program will never let me down it will embrace me
3. My marriage has blossomed lately it's not where I would like it to be but that is part of the disease.
4. I have a great life and today I hope to be able to embrace it and not spin in the dark thoughts I can watch them and not attach

Today I will try not to condemn parts of myself while accepting other parts. I am a composite, and I love myself best when I embarce all that I am. Courage to Change

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day, I called my mother on Friday to wish her a good day.
She answered the phone, sounding happy to hear from me. I tried not to engage in her troubles too much. I practiced acceptance, and detachment as best I can.
Traveling down the freeway going 60 mph on a cell phone all these images streaming past me is like a potrait of our life. Today I wish her peace and serenity I know she has done the best with the tools in her life.
It has been a very neglected relationship between my mother and I but tonight I want to focus on the positive.
She really pushed us to go to college and for that I am grateful.
This educaction has given me the ability to look at life in a curious way,
and gave me a chance to find AA and Alanon. I turn all this life over to my HP
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious and animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sunday, May 3, 2009


"If you are not happy, act the happy man. Happiness will come later. So also with faith. If you are in despair, act as though you believe. Faith will come afterwards"
Isaac Bashevis Singer
Reading this really said alot to me, act as if, I hear this in the meetings. At first this really iriated me learning to fake it, I was trying to find myself damn it. And yes I am still trying to find myself this sometimes can mean just showing up for D. D is me and I am learning to live my life one day at a time. Writing this leaves me with disgust and happiness. There seems to be alot about me these days
and I hope I am not too self absorbed. Faith it will all work in the footwork. Let Go Let God
I feel better 2 days after the surgery, juicing I believe has sped up my healing.
I pray all will be fine with the results of the biopsy. The Dr screwed up and didnt diagnose the second lump.
1. HP gives me only as much as I can handle
2. My Program is working for me today I recieved 2 phone calls to ask how I was doing.
3. Surgery went well and I seem to have a scar that is healing well
4. Had a delicous home cooked meal and homemade banana bread for desert
5. My work is going well we have non profit status!
6. Life has given me wonderful friends

Friday, May 1, 2009

Surgery Taking Care of Myself

Just for today I will turn it over to HP
My surgery went well today although I almost fainted. I tried to communicate with the nurses and the doctors. It really helps me to take care of myself. I am learning out to take care of myself. I did get the financial problems taken care of though.
Difficult for me I want others to help me but I choose to ask the people who cant show up for me like my mother. This is hard on me I want them to call me after surgery and show up for me, they cant. I am going to the hardware store to buy milk.
I feel rejected again like my mother does to me and has done to me my entire life.
It is a sick cycle I recreate and it hurts me still. I do want to stay out of self pity though and get on with the healing aspects of Alanon.

"It takes a firm committment to make our own well being a priority. In the past, some of us neglected to care for ourselves because we were waiting for someone else to take care of us. And some of us were so concerned with anothers persons well being that we failed to attend to our own."
"First Things First"
1. HP has a plan for me and will not let me down
2. Alanon program has givne me strength and support to examine my life
3. surgery went well for me today
4. My husband showed up for me the best he could picked me up and waited for me at the hospital
5. Took care of myself and arranged all the bills before the surgery
6. Learning more and more about my inner life it is freeing
7. Enjoy my home and the cozy bed I made for us to sleep in

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Started out the day feeling a little agitated think it had to do with the surgery tommorrow. ALl will be fine....... learning to turn it over to HP
As the day progressed I wanted to argue with my husband all my dissppointmenets came bubbling to the surface. Did I think I could solve them today? No
But my anxiwty wanted to hang onto something. I couldnt play the same old movie though and turned the channel. My brother called me later on in the day.
He is so defensive to talk to sounds like he did when he was drinking.
The drugs for his pain have taken over his life...I am sad about this for him.
He called to talk about my brother the animal care taker, wife car taker, guy who married a woman who likes to collect animals. They have 44 parrots, 4 dogs, 3 kittens, a geikco ...
Their house smells like parrot shit. The sad part is they have 2 children.
It is sad they have to live in this house with them. What can I do? I didnt cause I cant cure and I cant change it. But they have kids
They are innocent and so vulnerable. I need to think about this and turn it over for tonight I have a big day tommorrow morning.
1. for my HP and the plans for me today and this moment
2. Husband and I are learning to love each other more everyday
3. The Program and meetings that are close to my home
4. Love my haircut even though it is one month old
5. Good fruits in SF land
6. Love of life

Turn it over

Had a good day today, ending it with seeing Robert Redford live and in person...
Taking care of myself with Yoga and Chiropractic to fix the neck. Even writing this
makes me feel guilty that I didnt get alot of work done. But I am preparing for my operation this Friday and want my body to be in good shape when I go in.
My mind did race some with thoughts repeating. Trying to control I guess, feeling scared of surgery. Trusting life has a plan and turn it over to my HP
Made a decsision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.
Aldous Huxley once said: "That when the history of the twentieth century is finally written, the greatest achievements America will be known for will be giving the world Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon."
1. HP life has a plan for me despite my nonbelief in a "Him" god
2. My husband and I were at peace today and had a nice time tonight
3. I can have good and easy days
4. Had a wonderful Yoga Class despite the crazy teacher who has good classes
5. Great film and seeing Robert Redford

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Woke up this morning had a wild dream last night. It involved teaching an older man how to love me, physically. I was not disgusted by his age, he was gentle and humble.
This made me feel grateful in my dream world that I could allow him to be who he was despite his inadwqacies. This was a nice feeling, I miss feeling love from my husband. My fathers lecerous nature caused me to shut down and not allow anyone into my sexual world. My friend informed me my dream had to do with control.
Maybe but I also see is as acceptance and learning to be patient with love.
Nice, slow and gentle to learn to deal with myself, my inner self.
The program works slowly and in it's own time. I used to love sitting in the sun, not to get tan but to feel the day. Sitting back and letting the moment just sink into me.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. Spiritual life my inner life
3. good meal tonight made from scratch
4. Alot of buisness was accomplished today
5. can be content with myself and where I am at
6. Love my husband despite his bad moods

of detachment--admitting our need to live ourlives in fear of others' judgment and as if we can control them, surrending outcome, forgiving, focusing our attention on what works. When we give up judging others, we become accountable for our own behaviors and let others--spouse, family, coworkers--be accountable for themselves. The power of detachment is a power anyone can claim. It's the power of sanity, of peace, of finding our own inner strengh.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Universe has a plan for me

Detachment is a big one for me, it is difficult for me to love and let go. To trust the universe has a plan for me.
I want to control through my mind my life. The spinning thoughts churn and spin and dance causing alot of crazy thinking for me to ponder on. The trick is not to attach these are only thoughts they do not define who I am. What an amazing recovery
tool I wish I could have gotten it earlier, but that was not in my HP's plan for me.
Today I went to the film festival with two friends, they showed up. I didnt have to worry and plan too much although I did buy them tickets to save them 2.00 but hey I love savings. Maybe in the future I can let them buy their tickets also, I am not sure
if I am co'ing by buying them tickets or not. I saw alot of work people at the theatre and didnt "feel less than" this is the program working for me. I want to thank myself for showing up for me! I have done a damn good job lately not too many resentments to churn the brain. Although I can churn the brain with alot of random thoughts.
Gratitude list
1. Working a Spiritual Program turning over to the HP
2. One day at a time in the moment for a few seconds
3. Relationship stable at the moment J and I show love
4. Can be with other filmmakers and not feel less than
5. Can relax and sit in the sun
6. Can make good food such as home made pizza, with a thin crust
7. Have a clean home
8. Live in beautiful SF