Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I didn't cause it

Tonight home from a acupuncture appointment for my neck and hip. It has eased the pain. Knowing how to take care of myself is a gift of the program. I drove directly from work to the office for a session. To relax with needles is healing letting go for the good of myself.......

Struggling  with my marriage. Y had a furious rage attack directed at me. Watching him with detachment was alarming. To take care of myself I need to remember that sometimes I have to leave the room the house the city even to take care of myself.  In the past I would blame myself for his behavior, I just wasnt doing the right things to make him happy. With the help of Alanon today I feel it deeper within myself that I did not

I didn’t cause it
I don’t control it
And I can’t cure it

Changing the dynamics of our relationships
In Al‑Anon we learn how to set boundaries, to say yes when we
mean yes, and no when we mean no. We no longer give to others
out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give.
Once we begin to take better care of ourselves, we can begin to
give to others in healthier ways.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Y walks around the home with his head hanging. I am not sure how to deal with my feelings around his rage.
Working my program around it all.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Having compassion

Beautiful day today full of sun on one side of the bay and fog on the other...
Drove to work on a new project which is finally going better after some talking to
the other person about his behavior and disregard for my direction. At one point I emailed him
several times for the same change order which he did not follow through on.
After this I told him to please not continue working on the project.
It was a long night of frustration but in the morning I felt like something had broken through...
Turning it over time and time again in my endless obsession on how badly I was being treated.
This was a childhood pattern that developed as most promises were not kept, too many drinks too many lovers to please by my parents. But life and the jagged edges are softening in my world today.

Just for today I can reach into more current peaceful states and have it guide me with the help of Alanon.
 I thought that if I didnt get help soon my life would slip further and further into depression. Having compassion for myself and others in my daily struggles.

Meditation is central to Discovering the Heart of Buddhism, as it deepens and stabilises our exploration of our experience. The simplicity of being that we discover in meditation spills over into our lives, and this natural process is helped by pausing to reconnect with our awareness during the day.

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

The science of self-compassion
So what is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly?
Kristin Neff’s new book, <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061733512?ie=UTF8&tag=gregooscicen-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0061733512”><i>Self-Compassion</i> (William Morrow, 2011)</a>.Kristin Neff's new book, Self-Compassion (William Morrow, 2011).

As I’ve defined it, self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.

Sunday, August 11, 2013


This week was a bad carnival ride. It was just one thing after another. Fortunate for me I am able to reach out to my sponsor, go to meetings, read and work the program. My sponsor is wise woman and I admire her determination and wisdom regarding her recovery.
During my worst times she has been there anchoring me into the program. It has been life changing having the program there for me when I am at my worst and my best.
HP will always be there for me. Trusting that HP will guide me in the most difficult situations.
Needing a Holiday. I might grab my tent and head for the mountain springs.
It's relaxing soaking in hot water and then jumping into a cold spring.
Wakes you up into the moment that is for sure.

Lady Day

for Billie Holiday
Lady could pour you a song,
Coffee and a little cream.
Stir it the whole night long
Into a brown-sugar dream.

Lady could wrap you a note
Up in a velvet night
Sometimes Manhattan satin,
Always Harlem delight.

Lady Day could sing it
Like nobody ever has
At the Shim Sham Club, Hot Cha Cha,
Joints that swung on jazz.

Her bittersweet songs told Heartbreak,
Meet your sister Pain,
But Lady melted yesterdays
Into beautiful rain.