Friday, July 31, 2009


Yesterday I had a surprise at the end of the day. I wanted to see a director speaking at a local theatre one of my favorites.
I hoped in the car and got stuck in traffic arrived late at the theatre and was told it was sold out...I begged and pleaded but the
manager would not let me in. Walking away I tried to let it go and enjoy the street fair. It was time for dinner and had a great snack. Again I walked back to the theatre and sat at a cafe nearby. As I left the cafe a woman walked out of the theatre and I asked her how it was? I love Jane Campion and let her know it.
She asked if I wanted to watch the remainder of the show, she began to search for the ticket and found it after several minutes.
I walked into the theatre and saw Jane speak for free due to the kindness of a stranger. It was an incredible gift from a woman I dont know, life has alot of gifts if I can see them.

1. HP and the soft way
2. Forgiveness and Letting Go of the doom and gloom
3. Life and its gifts
4. Music

"I want to grow in my willingness to make room in my life for good times, having faith in their arrival and patience and anticipation" Living with sobriety

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Power Greater than Ourselves

In this moment I will not react to the world I will try to the best of my ability to let go and let god.
Oh I wish this were so easy it is such a struggle for me. I spin with my head and spin and spin
My latest spin is with my business partner and what she should do for me, and of course my husband what a wreck our relationship is this summer. I try and practice my program through it all and keep the focus on learning and detaching.
This really is the key for me knowledge sets me free from the habituation of the old ways. The movie that plays in my mind.
I feel crazy with my movie, this morning I feel pretty good despite it all.

Pema Chodron: This is what Buddhists mean when they say, "Don't get caught in the content, go to the underlying hooked quality, the sticky quality, the urge, the attachment."
1. Willingness to turn it over to HP
2. Letting go of my old way and embrace me under it all
3. I Have a wonderful life with plenty
4. Yoga has helped me tremendously with my pains
"Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was neccescary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves" Alanon

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Old Ways

My husband has decided to come out of his rage and slowly is saying a few sentences. Where am I in all this?
By not apologizing for something I did not feel was my fault, I keep the fire fueled. Learning that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it". I begin to feel sorry for myself and that my life with him has been a waste, I am doomed.
Old ways of keeping my victim status alive and well and our relationship sick.
The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless i permit it.
Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth? Could I possibly be getting some benefits from accepting humiliation?
Today I am finding out who I really am with the help of my Higher Power and the Al-Anon program.
1. HP loves me despite myself
2. One day at a time I work the Program to the best of my ability
3. Might go camping this weekend where there is sun and not fog
4. Life is unfolding around me and will continue to unfold

"There is much to appreciate in this life. I wont waste another moment feeling sorry for myself."

Monday, July 20, 2009

Keep It Simple

Still dealing with my husbands rage attack it has gone for over one month now. What do I do to take care of myself?
Try to keep it simple I notice my mind starts to spin and think negative thoughts. I take the rage internally, it embarrasses me I am not farther in my program. But this is where I am at...progress not perfection.
I am trying to keep it positive despite the horrible situation at home. Keep the focus on taking care of myself. It is hard for me I still want it to be alright and take in the rage. What is my part in all this?
"Each day is an opportunity to build a supply of positive spiritual experiences. Today I will take note of what happens when I trust my Higher Power"
1. HP surrounds me
2. Take Care of Myself
3. Work the Program it is an opportunity to go farther into the recovery
4. Keep It Simple and not to try and figure it all out
5. Yoga is an healing and loving way to treat myself
6. coffee is good and delicious especially when I save money and make it at home

"By far the best proof is experience" Francis Bacon

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

What you think of me is none of my buisness

My husband and I are going through a difficult time. I feel abandoned, threatened and unlovable when these situations occur they have followed us through our marriage. I care about him but find it hard to love him when these problems come up. I used to in the past follow him down his rage trail, awful things were done to each other. Lashing out verbally, tearing each other down it caused such horrible wreckage. I often felt it was all my fault and that I had caused him to act this way toward me. Then I would act out in a way that was harmful to me, the rage I felt was turned inward. But today due to my program I can try and step back from his actions. What he says about me is none of my business. Staying detached is very difficult for me I want to engage and fix it....fix it and his rage and make it all right for us.
"Today I will let it begin with me". I do not have to accept unacceptable behavior; I can begin by refusing to accept it from myself. I can choose to behave courteously and with dignity."
1. HP loves me and has never left me
2. The Program for welcoming me back
3. Family they are trying very hard
4. For the ability to look at my life
5. For Tylenol
6. Work in all it's unfolding

"My freedom and independence do not depend on any acts of defiance or confrontation. They depend on my own attitudes and feelings. If I am always reacting, then I am never free."
Alanon is for Adult Children of Alcoholics

Thursday, July 9, 2009


Morning blogging a new addition to my day..My mind is busy when I wake up this is when I begin to try and shake it all off and read some program literature. Meditation has helped me to stand back from all the thoughts and to start with a clean slate.

"In every quiet moment I can find to calm my mind and think through the day ahead of me, I am meditating. During these moments by clearing my mind and asking my Higher Power to guide me, I find answers to my concerns.. I don't always expect or enjoy the answers I get, but to turn away from them causes even greater turmoil." Courage to Change

1. Hp loves me in all my darkest parts
2. The Program has given me such a rich rewarding life
3. My meditation program and the monk who runs it, he has made it feel like a safe place.
4. My new friends in the program
5. learning new skills
6. Being able to run once in a while, it is difficult but one step at a time I am proceeding

"Go to your bosom: Knock there, and ask your heart what it doth know." Shakespeare

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Detachment living my life

Trying to blog more means writing in the morning. I have gone through another level in my program learning to evaluate one area of my life that is troublesome. How do I accomplish this? I step back and don't immediatley respond, I listen and then I give my answer, and detach from the outcome.
"Detachment is neither kind or unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person’s alcoholism can have on our lives."
Yes I have to keep this alive in my program, I was the caretaker as a kid and continue to take everyones inventory. I want to learn to take care of myself more. Taking care of me without having to breakdown till it gets so bad I am sick.

1. For HP
2. The Sun
3. My program and reaching out to more newcomers
4. Friends

"God give me the detachment to accept those things I cannot alter;
the courage to alter those things I can alter;
and the wisdom to distinguish the one thing from the other." Serenity Prayer 2nd half

Monday, July 6, 2009

Do what you can

Monday morning love Mondays I have Yoga and a meditation class later on in the day. It's what helps keep me in progress. Having some difficult days but nothing I cant work my program around, one day at a time. If I do the footwork all else follows.
"Today I will make use of the precious gift of imagination. Thus I will turn away from negativity, self doubt, and fear, and celebrate life itstead."
1. HP
2. Daily reader, Courage to Change
3. Sunshine we need it in SF
4. choices
5. step back from my crazy thinking

"Do what you can, with what you have, where you are"
Teddy Rossevelt

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Grateful for being an Alanon member

Cold in SF today the grey sky filled me up and I took it all in. Yep that just about sums it all up the first half went fine, I met with a new sponsee. B and I had coffee and it was revealed God is a problem for her. I just added, yes the mind can find alot of things to attach to and not like, it doesnt want to let go of the old self. She is bottoming out and doesnt want to let go and trust.
I understand it was hard for me and some days it still is difficult. But I can say it is getting easier one day at a time. She mentioned she just cant go on, she doesnt know what to do. I replied, well follow these steps and your life will change in ways you dont even imagine. Again letting go of what it should be is also a big part of the program. I really hope she can show up for herself. If it gets so painful she cant go on with the old self then recovery might be a part of her new life.
Thats what I want to be thankful for is the sponsee who reminds me of what I need to work on myself.
I think my work is a fraud sometimes and I get so down on myself. I didnt of course reveal all my darkness to the new one...
but that is why I have a sponsor and work the steps.
One day at a time
1. for HP and the gifts I am given daily
2. Keeping my mouth shut when it wants to snap back to every word today
3. For selling some clothing and making a little money and recycling good things for others
4. Calling my sister and trying to keep it in a good frame of chat
5. Watching my mind and it's crazy lengths it tries to take me into

"You will find yourself in various situations, and you will intuitively know what you should do"

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Keep It Simple

Today I was down all day with a migraine, It was a bad one I could'nt see without pain. Luckily I took medication which kept it to 5 hours not all day. I am grateful that it at least my condition has been diagnosed and I know what I am dealing with.
In the past I just thought it was a flu and I was getting it each month, a friend helped guide me and my doctor
finally. When I get down in bed I start to feel helpless and this brings on hopeless and that my life is over. But just for today I don't have to entertain these thoughts. Try to keep it simple and do the footwork. One step at a time.
1. HP guides me
2. Migraine meds
3. My program and all the gifts I have been given
4. The film jury is over and I can rest and begin to work on other projects
5. Friends they help me so much
6. For the grant we received for our film project

"Today I can accept myself for what I am because I know that whatever happens, I have a Higher Power and a group of people who will love me anyway" In All Our Affairs