Sunday, March 25, 2012


Beautiful rainy cold morning. I listened to a Dharma podcast before leaving bed. Usually I hop into my car and drive to the farm not 30 minutes from my home. It sits near the ocean full of zen folks and vegetables growing in highly composted soil. My favorite zen master spoke about compassion for living beings. Witnessing with presence can be a compassionate act toward an injustice happening in front of your eyes. I like to study this more.

Having compassion forgiveness toward myself allows me to feel more love and kindness toward others. When I feel love I am able to put it out into the world.

When I visit compassion I feel leaned into forgiveness. There are strings attached there for me.
Tonglen practice is a practice of forgiveness that i find helpful.
I would like to extend forgiveness to my mother there is a hole in myself where mothering lies. Learning to mother myself is sitting with all my feelings.

My program is nurturing. Sitting in a room of peoples trying to work on their lives is a powerful act of kindness. When there are personalities in the rooms that I struggle with I think of what they would be like without the program. One person at a time the 12 steps makes changes in the world. I gravitate toward women my mothers age to be around the wisdom of aging. She cant not share her life with others too much taking care of herself at the expense of others. Even as I re read these words I feel my hurt and anger toward her. It will take a long time maybe my life to have compassion for her. But despite my shortcomings my life has been dramatically impacted for the better by the rooms for this I am grateful.

By Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh (From the book Interbeing)
Do not avoid suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering, including personal contact, visits, images and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.

Getting ready for my day hope to walk along the ocean.

Saturday, March 24, 2012


Feeling relaxed this morning getting ready for my day to begin. Tea in hand, glasses on board and a key board at my fingertips.
The rain falls steady I hear the passing cars splash puddles. My neighbor reads at his kitchen table. This morning I am enough hoping to carry this message into the day. At this moment I try to stay here with myself...

I will meet with my sponsee at the hostel. She is beginning her fourth step. B is willing but hesitant to work on her life. But she continues to show up and do the footwork. I admire her tenacity it also takes love and kindness toward ourselves to go into the dark forest.

Characteristic of Dante's way of working, this "dark wood" is a product of the poet's imagination likely based on ideas from various traditions. These include the medieval Platonic image of chaotic matter--unformed, unnamed--as a type of primordial wood (silva); the forest at the entrance to the classical underworld (Hades) as described by Virgil (Aeneid 6.179); Augustine's association of spiritual error (sin) with a "region of unlikeness" (Confessions 7.10); and the dangerous forests from which the wandering knights of medieval Romances must extricate themselves. In an earlier work (Convivio 4.24.12), Dante imagines the bewildering period of adolescence--in which one needs guidance to keep from losing the "good way"--as a sort of "meandering forest" (erronea selva).

1. For my home it is warm and dry
2. The city I live has given me a gift of free health care-this has allowed me to look at my migraines without fear of the costs
3. Y he tries his best I hope to love him more where he is at
4. This moment
5. My program has helped me create a spiritual path

Monday, March 19, 2012


Yesterday was wonderful listened to a great dharma talk on War and Peace. The zendo was cold the winds were whipping through the cracks. I counted my breaths from one to ten and then began again. This simple exercise for me has dramatically helped with anxiety. It has lessened at times then it will grow into the overwhelming monster when I least expect it. Driving over bridges used to cause some stress but I continued to drive over bridges. I live near an incredibly long bridge that expands a bay. Turning it over like a sufi dancer in trance.

My ability to walk through the committee has helped me tremendously in program. Some days I still feel the old me come up for air to stir the pot of self loathing. Today I am fine going to show up in this moment as my blog rolls off and into the computer.
Getting ready for my acupuncture to work on my migraines. This will be my fourth session. I have felt the rolling of energy off my head drain down into my chest as the needles work their mojo. The headaches have changed with each session so I continue to show up. The students seem so eager to help me. Last week the throbbing began on Thursday. The translator was here she encouraged me to try a Chinese tu-nail practitioner down the street. He plucked, then rolled my muscles finally setting my bones as they like to refer to the treatment. It did help, it was expensive 100.00 but I am hoping for relief. It is a practice in patience to have weekly dibliating migraines.

Getting ready for the day.
Grateful for
1. My life is it full
2. The program and learning more each day
3. My HP there to guide me through
4. Patience
5. Final cut pro without it my life would be different.

Sunday, March 18, 2012


Getting ready for the Zen Country Farm. I prepare my cup of coffee, boiled egg and the daily reading. I travel 30 minutes to a remote farm near the ocean full of organic vegetables. The zendo is still a drafty hippy structure filled with 2 incredibly beautiful statues to gaze at during the dharma talks. I listen sometimes wandering to yesterdays events but try to catch my breath to bring me into the moment. This is what recovery has given me an opportunity to examine. Despite my disappointments which grow then fade depending on how well I can work my program. I hide then reappear even in this moment as I type my mind wanders.
Learning to forgive myself and others.

Being a bridesmaid at my age is challenging. The dresses annoy the crap out of me. Loud colors, shiny synthetic fabric and bad cuts..But I love my friend this is what she wants. We had a disagreement yesterday then all was forgiven. It means going to the bank to pay for the better frock. Life has some crazy paths guess for me it's being a bridesmaid in my fifties.

Just for today I feel grateful that life gives me many opportunities to grow

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


My first year of marriage began with a revolution in my husbands country. Everyone hoped for a better life with the political changes. Then arrests began a close family member was off then on execution row. It was a rough time for us we were young and foolish, full of dreams. I was ill prepared emotionally to deal with myself and the tension my husband faced.

I feel so grateful to have the program and meditation to help guide me through some of the maze of life. My anxiety and panic attacks have lessened in time. I am grateful for my life today. There are many who don't have too many choices in their lives.

Living in peace

Rain outside the birds are chirping and cars are rushing by to get to work. I live in an incredible area of the city where a large park meets the ocean this is my backyard. I am grateful but sometimes live in fear it will all be taken away. This could happen life changes but I have an HP that will be there for me.

Two sets of friends have come to stay with me recently. It was great to have them in my place. Both groups of people drank
every night. I watched and thought of myself how much wine I had consumed in the past. Then as the years have gone by what lurked under my addiction has become more pronounced. Anxiety, migraines and panic ruled my life. I reached out for further help and found a 12 step meditation group. Learning to meditate has allowed me to feel peace inside for brief moments. This is what my life has to offer more than mere survival. I have a set of tools that I can use to help me during times of trouble.

One step at a time
1. For HP
2. Learning more about my inner life
3. My partner he is a good man
4. New jobs learning patience
5. Friends

"I discovered the secret of the sea meditating on a dewdrop"

Monday, March 12, 2012

Emotional Life

Learning to detach with love is freeing me up to live my life. I was always making others moods my own and it was my job to either react, engage or fix them. I have learned others have their own HP to guide them through their life. This does not mean not to care in fact it means to care more for others. No longer do I depend on my partner to fix me as he never seemed to get it right.
This was a set up for resentments. Keeping the focus on myself means loving Y where he is.

My emotional life is growing and widening for this I am grateful. This has to do with showing up for myself by working a spiritual program.

"I can love their best, and never fear their worst."
Courage to Change.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Foggy out then sunny

The day started out foggy and then hours later turned into a sunny beautiful day.
You can start over at any time is a phrase we talked about today when meeting with my sponsee. She is such a pleasure to be around I see much of myself in her struggles.
Today as always the talk goes to what a failure she feels in life. I understand this story it is an area I dance in, eat with and wake up to the morning.

B brought her Blueprint for Progress Book getting ready for Step 4. She cried a little today as they were pounding away making new roads outside the cafe.
Maybe we can make a new path with the steps for B, she deserves some reprieve from her sorrow. The program will always be there for her no matter what happens. I love this feeling it gives me such comfort to say this out matter what

Again I want to make known my early morning wake up to "The Committee" has left.
They had such great parties waking me up with loads of self loathing material.
Something went awry and they packed their bags for Florida or some hotter climates to bathe in another's film. For this I am grateful one of the promises coming true. We will know a new freedom and happiness.

1. For my life I have been given
2. Things change from one second to the next
3. HP will be there for us
4. You tube videos lots to discover
5. Praying for those who suffer from addictions in and out of the rooms

Friday, March 9, 2012

buddha nature

Lots of old friends visiting. Fills up the days learning to have boundaries around my having to show them around town. It is nice to have people in the house. I often dont cook for them instead we try new restaurants together. The city is full of fine food ready for the eating. tonight I had thai salad with Steak...yumm

1/3 cup fresh lime juice (about 3 limes) $
1 1/2 tablespoons brown sugar $
1 tablespoon grated peeled fresh ginger
1 tablespoon Thai fish sauce
1 to 2 teaspoons chile paste with garlic
Cooking spray $
1 (1 1/2-pound) flank steak, trimmed $
1 tablespoon cracked black pepper $
3 cups trimmed watercress (about 2 bunches)
1 cup thinly sliced red cabbage
1 cup loosely packed fresh basil leaves
1 cup loosely packed fresh mint leaves
1/2 cup loosely packed fresh cilantro leaves $
1/2 cup julienne-cut carrot $
2 tablespoons finely chopped unsalted, dry-roasted peanuts $

To prepare dressing, combine first 5 ingredients in a bowl; stir well with a whisk.
To prepare steak, heat a large nonstick skillet or grill pan coated with cooking spray over medium-high heat. Rub both sides of steak with pepper. Add steak to pan; cook 6 minutes on each side or until desired degree of doneness. Remove from pan; place on a cutting board. Cover loosely with foil; let stand 5 minutes. Cut steak diagonally across grain into thin slices. Place steak in a bowl. Drizzle with half of dressing, and toss well.
To prepare salad, combine watercress and next 5 ingredients (watercress through carrot) in a large bowl. Drizzle with remaining dressing, and toss well. Divide salad evenly among 6 plates; arrange steak evenly over salad. Sprinkle each serving with 1 teaspoon peanuts.
Cooking Light

1. Friends both in and out of the program.
2. My life it is full
3. My camera I love it's low light capabilities
4. Learning to pray more for those I love who are caught in the disease
5. Buddha nature it is within us all