Sunday, June 26, 2011


Today flew by ... I had a difficult day with feeling unwanted, unloved but pulled myself out of the old groove by going to a meeting. Some days I forget the small voice in the back whispering old familiar slogans " your defective" "you are unlovable" so on and so forth.

We have relatives in town from NY they are visiting another family member R who lives ten minutes away.Although we went to University together we don't communicate. I have made efforts in the past to R but they were ignored. I use this as a way to prove to the old self the whisper messenger was right I am not worthy of love. My victim-hood is reinstated and the disease is alive.
This is sick but at least a part of me realizes I am playing out a story line. Working the program has given me insight into the workings of my insanity.

To be honest R and I were never close. We are very different people. But I choose situations to feed my monster, he needs food to keep the addiction alive.
Tonight I am going to pray for R and also myself. I deserve care and support and the first person I look to is myself. With the help of the program learning how to care deeply is revealed.
We will enjoy a new freedom and happiness.

I have a HP that loves me as I am. When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me, I believe I am doing God's will.


two children and adult with candleIn order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one's whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one's heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering —ours and that which is all around us— everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem
to be.

true Nature

Almost at the finale with the doc reviews. I will have to drive to the office of the director for my final scores. This last event involves the ability to recount the film's assets and failures.
I have done this in the past my memory was sharp but I wasnt working my program very well.
What does this have to do with working a program you might ask?
It has to do with speaking up for myself without feeling ashamed. Yes I felt that speaking up meant that I had to be willing to make mistakes publicly. My core belief was shame of who I was.

I am not responsible for what people think of me. If I am setting a right intention and doing the footwork with my program Hp has a plan for my life.
tonight i can go to sleep knowing Hp is here within me

Suzuki Roshi
The only way to understand or to realize our true nature is just through practice. Without true practice it is impossible to realize our true nature. Of course, what we do, whether we are aware of it or not, what we do in our everyday life is based on true—our true nature. True nature drive us to do something, but if you do not understand, or if you do not realize your true—what is true nature, and if you have no system to know the actual meaning of your true nature, you will get into confusion.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Care taking

Tired tonight trying to rest today. It was a busy day finishing up compiling round one of documentary films for a festival. There is an elderly woman from Alanon that I invited into the jury. She is not showing up in a way that is needed for the festival. We were to submit our final decisions today and she didn't have her list completed, the other members had to wait around as she scrambled to get it together. I felt like her mother.
She decided to go out and listen to Jazz last night instead of complete her submissions.
I have to step out of my expectations. I had to guide her through her list making. Was I care taking her? In some ways .... I have been gently guiding her through the process this being her first time to jury films. She is a literary agent and very clever for her 77 years but lacks a cinematic language.
Maybe I expect too much from her? This is where I work my program. Step back from her problem and look at my part in this episode.
One step at a time
Trust there is a HP who takes care of us all

Saturday, June 4, 2011


It was a difficult challengin week. H family is involved in politics in the old old country. His uncle passed away after years of fighting the government publicly. He was in and out as a political prisoner for over thirty years. I have to say he wasn't my favorite person but I admired him. But his daughter H I did both like and admire. She was a devoted political activist fighting injustices openly in public. Her latest prison sentence was fighting voter fraud and it got her two years in prison. She was not afraid of the government speaking out against injustice was her life's calling. The goverment let her out of prison to attend her fathers funeral. As the family walked toward the cemetery she was killed by secret police. H's sister was by her side as the secret police beat her, she died shortly afterward. The police placed her body in an unmarked grave to hide the evidence. She knew the dangers speaking out meant and was not afraid.
I mourn her passing tonight in this blog.

May I be filled with loving kindness,
May I be well,
May I be peaceful and at ease,
May I be happy (or free from suffering.

May you be filled with loving kindness,
May you be well,
May you be peaceful and at ease,
May you be happy (or free from suffering).

May all beings be filled with loving kindness,
May all beings be well,
May all beings be peaceful and at ease,
May all beings be happy (or free from suffering).

- Loving Kindness Metta -