Thursday, November 26, 2009


I have alot to be grateful for in my life and tonight was a good indication of how far I have come in the program. We went to a friends home for Thanksgiving dinner.
There was tons of food and a sommelier pouring oodles of wine. I did not drink, I did not have sadness and feel lonely in a room full of people. We ate Turkey and a man siad inappropriate things to me I didnt plumet to the depths of my self esteem by his comments. This is just incredible recovery for me. What did I do to take care of myself? I didn't make Turkey for a home gathering instead I decided to go to a friends home. In the past My friend would bring her partner who often drinks too much all the time. I didnt want to surrond myself with this problem drinker and my friend who enables his drinking. We drove across the bay to a new friend, to try something new this year.
"I once viewed my life as a tragedy, I now have a different perspective on those experiences."
1. HP has a path for us all
2. This too shall pass
3. tired can hardly stay awake

Sunday, November 22, 2009


Tonight I made a great homemade dinner and fresh apple galette for desert with cream. I am grateful I didn't have to swig down a bottle of wine to begin the meal. Oh yes I remember being so tired, angry, and full of resentments that to cook a meal I had a few drinks. I don't make the french dinners I used to, frankly it's too much work. My time is valuable and maybe some days I like to meditate or do other projects beside cook. I am not a superwoman. My critical self wants me to be it all and more. When I can't meet up to my expectations it is another cut to my self esteem. This is where I turn it over to God and trust.
My HP loves me despite all my flaws When I learn to love myself as my HP loves me I believe I am doing God's will.
What loving action did I take today? Today when I began to obsess I read some Alanon literature to take me out of the spin.
Self Love is a habit I like to keep going in my life. Learning to Love me, guides me and helps me love the world.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. My meditation program is working for today
3. Loving kindness toward myself and others keeps the world in balance for me
4. 12 steps are a wonderful therapy program and helps me grow
5. I went to a chocolate exhibit and realized it was the wrong weekend..never mind,,,, it was nice to see the bay
6. Sundays are Ok now
7. Thinking of my family and so glad they all seem to be doing so well in their lives (despite the animal hoarding)
"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"
Toyohiko Kagawa

Monday, November 16, 2009

Step 10

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
It was a good meditation meeting tonight we had a group inventory. This meeting is an open meeting which sometimes I find disturbing. Over half the meeting at times is filled with people not working a program. In retrospect this might help get someone sober listening to shares and realizing the similarities to their own addiction.
But the price we pay as a group is too high sometimes too many newcomers.
This is unusual I know this I have never experienced this in any other group.
So I brought this up to a group level tonight my uncomfortable edge that comes with so many fresh new faces each week. But our only requirement to enter AA is a desire to stop drinking. that is it.
Step 10 keeps me on my toes helps prevent me from back sliding into old thinking.
1. HP is standing beside me
2. That I can look at my behaviors with money
3. for 12 steps and my reluctance with step 4 right now
4. That my husband and I is getting better every day
5. For Skype and it's service

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I was very inspired tonight reading a blog. The more recovery that I am able to accomplish in the program the more I experience love and forgive myself and find compassion and acceptance toward others. The work I do changes myself and the world around me in small ways and in global arenas as well. This peaceful feeling to me is very revolutionary toward shifting my world view. I felt this sense of serenity for seconds recently I was sitting meditation and had a flood of feelings that were warm and loving.
I didn't want it to end but it did and the twirling of anxiety in my mind began again.
The more I can encounter these moments the better able I can collect these and realize what the experience felt like for me.
This is a gift of the program which I am forever grateful. Really I had no idea my life could be this good despite my sad times.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
Hp has a plan for me
12 steps and working them
turning it over
nothing lasts forever, this too shall pass
life is in constant change

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Step 11

I was asked to share today and kept it simple concentrating on Step 11. A friend from the meditation center asked me to share at his meeting, and planned it weeks in advance. Unforutnatley he ended up in the hospital with some seveere stomach problems, he is living with HIV and 2 liver transplants. I felt so glad to be able to show up for the group and to follow through with my promise for him. In the past I have felt at times I couldnt show up, there was always some problem making showing up so difficult. Turning my will and my life over the to the care of God, and realizing everyone has a HP has given me great comfort. Life is more than mere survival. I cant even imagine my life could be as good as it is today. Near the end of the day I visited my meditation buddy in the hospital and found him in pretty good spirits. Today I was able to cultivate my spiritual connection by doing the footwork all else followed.
1. HP has a plan for us all
2. showing up for myself despite my reservation on sharing
3. The day was beautiful and sunny
4. My life is full
5. Kept it simple
"Half an hour meditaion is esential except when you are very busy. Then a full hour is needed."
Francis de Sales

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Shake it up

Things are going well in my programs just for today it's all peaceful...
with myself and the world around me. One aspect I am looking at presently is my need to feel victimized my women. They often are in some sort of crisis and abusive to themselves.
I have a sick need to fulfill my need for abandonment. I have been trying to notice when my need to call these people come up. It would be great to take time to really think about instead of acting out on some of these feelings that circle in my brain.
My mother and father were also very abusive to themselves and unable to fulfill their parenting. They tried I do know that but some days the child pops her head up in my life and needs tending.
Reading this tonight shone some light on the subject.
Sometimes the greatest growth comes through pain, but it's not the pain that helps me grow, It's my response to it.
1. HP turning it over
2. 12 steps to guide me in the dark forest
3. The day was shaken up with the time change, shake it baby. shake it
4. People are doing the bes they can with what they have
" I had learned in Al-Anon to look for opportunites for growth in every situation
The attitude allowed me to gain many spiritual riches form the pain I was experiencing" In All Our Affairs