Monday, August 27, 2012


Feeling uneasy tonight. Think it is time to take care of Dianne and let the niece take care of herself now.
She is meeting up with friends. My husband is still taking her around town although he is soooo behind with work. I am feeling old feelings coming up that are not sitting pretty in my life.
Y takes care of others at my expense. This reminds me of my childhood family setting.
There would only be so much to go around and the alcoholic father was the mess to be taken care of.
My mother was flirting with her lovers Lies to my father so she could meet them.
I waited for my turn which never came. This left me feeling alone and unlovable.

This means I am feeling out of sorts with D. What do I need to do to take care of me in this situation.
I might need to go out of town camping, swimming or hiking. There is a great place out of town that I enjoy.
Y can take care of his niece and I don't have to wait and watch for my turn to happen.
Detach with love.
Sit by a stream and listen to nature which is healing and loving to me.

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Self Care

Today was covered in fog I woke up to a sore throat. Yesterday around 4:00 pm I decided to walk to a restaurant which is quite a hike 3 miles away...I stopped at a Korean hot pepper shop. The store was covered in hot sauces from around the planet. Walking always renews my interest in my neighborhood.
There are many treasures that lie hidden away from car vision.
Multitudes of fresh Chinese groceries line the street as I continued I bought some fresh lychees.
I love the inner white juicy fruit surrounded by the red shell.
More stores and then bang a sore throat. The dinner went well but I could feel there was a cold brewing inside.
So today I scheduled an acupuncture treatment to boost my immune. At the end of the session I downed my Chinese herbs with a glass of water. Next stop at the co-op for zinc lozenges and sprays for the throat.
It's nice to take care of myself and not ignore the symptoms. In the past I often would ignore the symptoms thinking that it would just fade away. But the fact is it didn't just disappear it usually got worse.
Where did I come up with this self care?

I find it interesting that my sore throat comes with the arrival of my husbands niece. She is scheduled to have surgery this week and is staying with us for her care. I sympathize with her situation.
Learning to care for others and to care for myself is challenging. I was taught to sacrifice it all for the good of my mother. This has led to brewing some serious resentments.

So today I have a sore throat learning to take care of D. I also can care for N but not in an obsessive manner...

Learn to give from my overflow rather that from my reserve. This is self care, we learn to let go of burdens we were never meant to carry. Learn to ask, “What is the best thing for me?”

We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.

Monday, August 13, 2012

List of Character Defects

List of Character Defects for 12 Step Recovery Work
Here’s a list I found of possible character defects to consider while doing stepwork. It’s by Lydia at her recovery blog:  Don’t Drink and Don’t Die
Lydia’s Character Defect List visit her site for updated versions of this list)
  • anger, hatred
  • anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change.
  • arrogance – Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.
  • closed mindedness – Contempt prior to investigation. Disregarding things and ideas just because they are new and unknown. Being unwilling to try things or follow suggestions. Failing to remain teachable.  Having a mind firmly unreceptive to new ideas or arguments.
  • dependency, over dependency, co dependency – Relying on others to provide for us what we ought to provide for ourselves. Feeling we must be in a relationship, or must hold on to others who want to move on. Letting others control us to an extreme due to our fear of being alone, abandoned, or independent.
  • depression, pessimism – Not as a clinical condition, but as a way to generally see the dark side of things.
  • dishonesty – Sins of omission and commission. Telling lies, hiding things, telling half truths or pretending something is so that isn’t. Withholding important information. Adding untrue details to stories and situations.  Stealing, cheating, taking things that aren’t ours and that we aren’t entitled to.
  • controlling attitude toward people, places and things – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.
  • fear
  • gluttony, greed - Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security.  Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.
  • gossiping – Speaking or writing about others in a negative manner, especially to get them in trouble or to feel superior to them and bond with someone else against the target of the gossip.  When I find myself talking about someone, I must pause and check out why I am mentioning their name.
  • humility, a lack of humility – Feeling better than and worse than others, and being self centered.
  • impatience – Being frustrated by waiting, wanting often to be some time in the future, wanting something to change or improve rather than accepting it as it is.
  • intolerance – Not accepting people or things for who or what they are.
  • inventory taking, being judgmental – Noticing and listing, out loud or to ourselves, the faults of others.
  • jealousy and envy – Wanting what others have, feeling we don’t have enough or deserve more, wishing we had what others do instead of them. This applies to material possessions like houses, cars, money and such. It also applies to nonmaterial things like relationships, a nice family, children, parents, friends and partners, and fulfilling work relationships. We can envy others their looks and physical appearance, their talents and physical abilities or attributes such as thinness, tallness, sports ability or musical talent.
  • laziness, procrastination, sloth – Not doing as much as is reasonable for us to do. Putting things off repeatedly. Not carrying our own load as much as we are able. Letting others provide things for us that we ought to get for ourselves.
  • perfectionism – Expecting or demanding too much from ourselves or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress.
  • prejudice – Pre-judging people based on a group they belong to. Negative feelings about someone based on their religion, race, nationality, age, disability, sexual orientation, accent, politics, economic status, physical characteristics like height, weight, hair style, clothing style, physical fitness.
  • rationalization, minimizing and justifying, self-justification – Saying and/or believing I had good motives for bad behavior.  Saying that I did bad things for good reasons, or that what I did really wasn’t that bad.
  • resentment – The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
  • rigidity and fear of change
  • self centeredness, selfishness – Spending excessive time thinking about myself. Considering myself first in situations. Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others. Thinking about what I can get out of situations and people, what’s in it for me? Spending too much time considering my appearance, acquiring things for myself, pampering myself, indulging myself.
  • self pity

Friday, August 10, 2012


Let there be no gossip...I have been paying attention to this character defect that I practice. Why do I feel this need to continue some behavior I find troubling.  To connect with others? When I developed this bad habit probably began in my early childhood. I was shy and felt
uncomfortable talking to people. So it was a safe topic I guess? My grandmother who lived in our home would talk about my Mother, her daughter. It wasn't a good modeling this talking of others.
 I didn't like it when she talked about my Mom. I took this quality on as an adult and it troubles me.
Turning it over tonight but becoming mindful of this defect of character.

The Buddhist Guide to Gossip

Nancy Baker

So why do we talk about others’ errors and faults? What’s in it for us? Well, probably a number of things. Sometimes there’s the need for reassurance that I’m right. Or that I’m good. Or that I’m at least not like that, whatever “that” may be. It can also be a way of avoiding what I imagine will be a confrontation. It’s an avoidance of telling the truth, of putting truth where it belongs. So in speaking about as opposed to speaking to someone, we’re failing to honor this precept. And that’s often what we do. We’re afraid. Also motivating us is the need to get someone over to my side about an issue. Most striking of all is the unconscious desire for intimacy with the one to whom I am speaking. But this is a delusion, since it is nothing but false intimacy. In fact, it’s amazing to think that we actually use speaking about the faults of others in order to feel connected. Notice the contradiction, the delusion, here: We use, and even create, separation from one thing or person to overcome separation from another! We are afraid of genuine contact, so we find something or someone to complain about or gossip about. It occurs to me that the “expounding upon” the errors and faults of others in one of the translations mentioned above is part of this. It means telling stories about, analyzing, enjoying being very “perceptive” with another at someone else’s expense, as if this shared enterprise brings us closer together.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

take what you like and leave the rest

Tired tonight sitting in bed reading blogs feels comforting. Big day today reorganizing my office. I hired someone from Alanon to help clean and organize. She arrived on time, really did a great job!
The one problem is she talked constantly all day long without stopping. I dont think she listened to one response all day. But I kept her moving through the day and she went to great lengths to help me.
It's just that non stop chatter is exhausting I feel life is being sucked out of me.

Despite what wasnt working today I walk into my office and it shines. I mean literally it is spotless.
I set an intention  which worked for me today. Take what I like and leave the rest.

It was nice having help learning to accept others flaws and gifts are ways I can better love myself in all my imperfections.