Monday, October 31, 2011


Tonight I sat with myself in meditation. It felt nice to be present for myself before jumping into a trick or treat session with my three year old nephew. This is his first year in the United States. He is a cute boy I turn over alot to HP worrying about him.
Keep the focus on myself and not what they need to do for him.
He had alot of fun tonight dressed as a pirate, superman, spyderman.

Earlier I also listened to a Zen lecture regarding a Sejiki ceremony.
It has been a nice holiday thanks to the program I can sit more with my feelings.
Sejiki is a traditional Japanese Zen Buddhist ceremony for the spirits of departed ones. This powerful ceremony summons forth all restless spirits and pacifies agitation and violence within and without. It includes a reading of the names of close friends and family members who have died.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011


The sun warmed up the morning. I watched my garden thinking of fall plantings that need to get in the ground.
Birds ate seeds at a feeder while a hummingbird buzzed a bottle brush tree.
My apple tree is such a lovely jewel producing fruit each year. There are a few apples I left on the branches for further ripening.
Every McIntosh apple has a direct lineage to a single tree discovered in 1811 by John McIntosh on his farm in Dundela, a hamlet near Morrisburg, in Dundas County, Ontario, Canada.

I remembered a strong dream, it was clear full of messages. It involved friends that had disappointed me with their behaviors.
I felt compassion toward the women in the dream. They were similar in action to my mother.
Maybe someday I can find more forgiveness toward her. I am working on this issue in the program. It would be a lie to write i have forgiven her when this is not the case as of today.

I don't have to run though with this feeling. It is one of many feelings that I have it is not ruling my night. The boat is not heading down into the river of darkness and sorrow. This is really an incredible freedom given to me by working a program. I can watch these thoughts come and go. I do wish my mother a wonderful life full of peace. I wish myself a peaceful life. May all beings be happy may they live in peace and harmony.

Time for bed


Saturday, October 22, 2011


Tonight I am sitting with myself reading and listening to lectures on TED.
My class on Happiness at the Zen Center is forcing me to reach out and investigate for class work.The title itself annoys me...I told the teacher I am leery of Happiness.
I listen to Matthieu Ricard it fascinates me to learn more about mind training. Alanon has helped pave the road to a new way of being with myself. The pure consciousness that lies under each human before it is covered over to deal with the world. Showing up for my life and doing the footwork all else follows.
Classes stretch my life.

Today I went swimming with my dear friend of many years. She brought her boyfriend, the Alcoholic along. As time progresses with her Alcoholic boyfriend she is more difficult to be around. The rage shoots out of her mouth. Yet today I called her and wanted to spend the day with her.
It is frustrating listening to her talk negatively to her boyfriend. Alanon is a progressive disease, I see it in myself and today in her.
My part in this is I know my friend is suffering from the disease. She is choosing not to get help for her life. I have a choice to continue to be her friend and set boundaries for myself or I can choose not to be around her anymore.
What boundaries can I set?

I practice compassion for myself as I watch a dear friend turn into a demonic monster from to the disease of Alcoholism. I will turn it over to HP tonight. Everyone has a HP -she he it- will watch over her just as they watch over me.

Matthieu Ricard
Consciousness is like a mirror that allows all images to rise on it. You can have ugly faces, beautiful faces in the mirror. The mirror allows that, but the mirror is not tainted, is not modified, is not altered by those images. Likewise, behind every single thought there is the bare consciousness, pure awareness.
So, because the basic fabric of consciousness is this pure cognitive quality that differentiates it from a stone, there is a possibility for change because all emotions are fleeting.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Accept Yourself

Began the day with a nice cup of ethiopian espresso, made at home. I jumped into my car to pick up media to deliver to a client. This client N has become a friend of mine, last month her husband passed from cancer. As all this delivering was whizzing by in my life the sky turned blue the sun began to glitter through the few remaining clouds.
It has been challenging sorting, scanning and placing photos of T for his memorial. I knew T when he was barely able to create sentences his vibrant life has been swept away by cancer.
After the delivery I had to troubleshoot the electronics to assure everything would go smooth. Things did not proceed as planned most times they don't with new equipment. Her parents, dog and brother in law were swirling around us as I tried to keep an order to the troubleshooting. Hours passed and in the end it all seemed to work out we will see what unfolds tomorrow.

What does the program teach me when dealing with death, expectations, and worry...Turn it over sister to HP before another negative feeling emerges to add fire. My business partner is one on the bonfire I forgot to mention. Feelings are not facts.
I like to step back and let god take care of me tonight. Yes I am repeating myself I still mistrust the universe holds me in a loving caring manner.

“To be beautiful means to be yourself. You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This too shall pass

Returned last night from ten days in New York. I enjoyed my time staying with friends and relatives. Fall is a time of melancholy for me life is moving in a new direction. I sat in the warm sun many times being present for myself with not much tripping into the past or future. This is the beauty of vacations some time of rest both emotionally and physically. My minds chatter seemed less by not having it's key to begin the committee sessions.
Going to an Alanon meeting in New York was rewarding knowing the program is there for me when I reach out.
Gazing around the room I noticed a woman from meetings out west. Nice to see familiar faces.

I like to also believe working my program has brought me moments of serenity and I am able to feel it.
Gratitude for my life and the deepening and widening of my emotional self.

My friend and I are still working through a dark patch but I trust the universe has a plan for both of us.

Fall Season back East