Friday, October 24, 2014

Kindness



Running through the internet I came acorss some dive bar photos. Looking at these brought me back to my younger days waiting for my father in the car while he got a drink...for a second
My father was an intelligent man, creative and a free thinker-- but suffered with the disease.
He ended up getting sober at the end of his life...miracle
Eventually he stopped going to meetings, I asked him why he stopped going.
His reply saddened me,"I don't deserve their kindness." His reply made a big impact on me keeping me going back despite what the voices inside were saying. I deserve kindness, love and all the other gifts the program has to offer.
Keeping the program alive by reaching out today...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Letting Go

The most loving from of detachment is forgiveness, just finished reading my Courage to Change.
It is one of my more difficult character defects letting go of how I want things to be through my will. Things should be done my way and I will teach them how it is supposed to be...This was my job as a child to monitor everyone, give them direction. My needs we not important.  I was taking care of others at the expense of myself at a very young age. I was worried about my brothers and sisters they had no direction. As I aged my care taking became a career, managing projects not taking care of myself. Friends would call me any time of day and night going into great detail regarding their problems. I listened offering my advice but I began to get angry. They never asked how I was doing. When was it going to be my turn to be heard? The turn never came because I didn't know how to take care of myself. Taking care of myself means going inside to listen, to stop doing, not being always available. 
My resentments against others dwindle also when I cease to become HP.  Forgiving myself for my humaness allows me to forgive others. Everyone has their own HP. Letting go of how I want the outcome to look like. Letting go of taking care of others oftentimes they aren't asking for the help anyway these days. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Plan

Today I am here in this life, present and ready for the day to unfold. I feel lucky working for myself out of my home. It does have challenges, fears I cant complete my jobs. But I reach out to those in my field and go to meetings and make program calls. The program has taught me I can't do it alone, no one is really doing it alone. We are social beings and learning to love and care for myself has moved me to love and help others. The important message for me is to let go also of what the outcome should look like. Attachments letting go---detaching with love
More is revealed and more will be revealed if I can have an open mind and the ability to be present.
Looking into my blog there are many I's...guess it's a diary for me really anonymously.
When I first started writing there was alot of pain in my life, it has opened up and moved out into
a broader deeper vision. This too shall pass about sums up pain for me today. Doing the footwork and trusting HP has a plan for me and everyone else in the universe.



Friday, October 3, 2014

tool chest

Beautiful day here!
Our summer has arrived the beaches are warm people are out walking the edge of the water.
As soon as it is possible I too am going down to walk. Grateful for my life.
More will be revealed --- there is a tool chest for my support.
Just for today.

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Life

From the Asian Muse -- Buddha's birth

Woke up to calm mind. My brother just left after being here for a day. Things went smooth no quarrels like in the past. This is one of the gifts of the program. I am more comfortable with who I am things come and go. Feelings aren't facts sometimes there are things said and I don't have to attach to the bait as in the past. What is the bait for me? It can be many things that I perceive in the moment, controlling how I want things, situations, people around me to appear. I sit with thoughts and let them rest before I comment most of the time.... Life goes on people come and go so do thoughts in my mind.

Last night I attended a funeral of my husbands best friend. He was going through some deep financial shifts in his life. One of his joys was his home in a wonderful area close to his friends. He was having to sell it to pay off his debts. He did not see the sell of his home passing away one morning they say peacefully. He was 60 years old. They had a large buffet filled with many fine dishes and friends. He would have loved the gathering. S was a lover of fine food and conversation but also a lonely and sad man driven with compulsion. I smile thinking of him, he tried his best in life. 

Remember me.
I will be with you in the grave
on the night you leave behind
your shop and your family.
When you hear my soft voice
echoing in your tomb,
you will realize
that you were never hidden from my eyes.
I am the pure awareness within your heart,
with you during joy and celebration,
suffering and despair.

Rumi

Thursday, September 11, 2014

If I take the time


Today grateful that I wake up healthy no migraine! Living near a museum I get the chance to visit the exhibits on a regular basis. The building sits on a golf course that used to be a graveyard....bodies are still dug up on a regular basis. But what is viewed by the world is a large green playground for the golfers. It is important for me to remember not to compare my insides to other peoples outsides there is always another story under the smiles.
Life has many lessons to offer if I can take the time to listen and then to have compassion for myself and others.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Just for today

I am grateful
That I wake up to my life. I have spiritual practice, showing up and being present in Alanon.
My H although difficult as it is, we are together and trying our best.
 Today I am turning it over to HP there is a plan in the universe, trusting it will all work out...I am not in control.
Just for Today


Annie

Annie