Death

Making a Fist

BY NAOMI SHIHAB NYE

    We forget that we are all dead men conversing wtih dead men.

                                                                  —Jorge Luis Borges

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,

I felt the life sliding out of me,

a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.

I was seven, I lay in the car

watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.

My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

“How do you know if you are going to die?”

I begged my mother.

We had been traveling for days.

With strange confidence she answered,

“When you can no longer make a fist.”

Years later I smile to think of that journey,

the borders we must cross separately,

stamped with our unanswerable woes.

I who did not die, who am still living,

still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,

clenching and opening one small hand.

Injustice

Settled tonight after a couple of hard days. Y has  confronted his brother who wronged him with money.
 My Y is finally speaking up but we are playing a price with little sleep last night. I believe there are things that I still like about Y brother and other behaviors that I don't particularly care for.  I keep the focus on myself and what I can do to keep my side of the street clean.
Not being a doormat is showing up for myself by taking action
going to a meeting calling a friend reading literature

Turning

Grateful for my life. These days I feel some serenity a gift of the program.
Turning it all over to HP while doing the footwork

God Box

Grateful for my life. Feeling unsettled the past couple days. Things I have said that were not kind have started to circle over and over in my thoughts.
Letting go and turning it over into the God Box

Maybe it’s about turning one’s attention from what’s holding us enthralled. Maybe it gives us a little room and a sense of fresh air, and with that comes some kind of healing breath. Maybe it gets us to stop looking in the one direction where we think the mountain is going to rise up before us, and so instead, with our minds free to wander and bob, we notice pathways and even airy glades we hadn’t see before. I do not have any idea how it works…Anne Lemott

Footwork

Relaxing tonight reading a few  recovery blogs. I feel grateful that for me recovery is interesting and a way of life that has given me enormous gifts. Today was beautiful sunny and warm. I took a walk along the ocean feeling so lucky to live so close to the water.
Had some set backs yesterday with an anxiety attack on the way to a meeting. It caused my vision to be affected so onward to home I drove. When these attacks happen it is as if surrender is the only option and it is the only choice.
1. turning it over to HP and also doing footwork.

My birthday is coming up next week.
Planning on some yoga for myself, nice dinners, and  meetings.
This sounds like a wonderful time.

Full days

My days have been full, serenity has entered my life again after working the program.
It's not that I have a super happy Doris Day kind of life it has to do with my tools. Just for today
I am able to let serenity enter and stay for a while.
My nephew has been staying with us for a month. He is helping Y at his job and in return we pay him
with letting him stay rent free. Seeing him become an adult has lifted my spirits.
Watching my own life unfold as I age is challenging. I keep thinking about botox injections with fillers.
This is life no stopping it the days have built upon one another.
My HP is guiding me I can let go and trust that all will work out as it is supposed to.
Y has been loving toward me lately, I have to say not depending on his good moods to keep me happy is freeing me.

Let God do the work

The day was nice and full with a little too many activities scheduled. I had a big breakfast with the nephew hopped into the car for the flea market. Precious old items on tables lined the flat base as large cargo ships
rolled past. I enjoyed spending time with our nephew, he is a considerate boy. There are times I treat him
too much like a friend and think a boundary is good for both of us.
He has been through a similar crazy childhood filled with a drug addict father shooting up cocktails from the pharmacy. It's something he doesn't like to talk about so I keep quiet.
Instead I try to encourage him.
Bringing this up when others don't ask for addict information is bad timing. They may never bring it up so I learn to  let God carry them.

Al Anon is for people who want it rather than people who need it.

Step 6  Be willing, Be ready and let God do the work

My days are feeling fuller with less anxiety. In Jan. it was 5 years again in the program for this I am grateful.