Wednesday, January 21, 2015


Here it is another day my life is moving along. It is a gift to be sober and present for the life..
I am giving it my best-- best that I can muster and for this I am grateful.
One day at a time.
Learning to give a voice to myself even when it is difficult. Don't want to regret not speaking up in some situations. In the past I did not have skill in my speech it took a fight or self destruction to bring attention to a situation.
I was not worthy is how I treated myself, it doesn't matter what I feel...
These are the lessons growing up in an alcoholic home, there was always some problem looming in the corner. Taking this storyline into adult life was a thorny path.
Just for today I can be present and also turn it over to HP
HP has a plan
I am willing to show up

Friday, January 16, 2015

HP help and guidance

Woke up to the fog rolling off the ocean, chilly air seeping into the rooms. Struggling with old negative thoughts that keep turning over and over in my head. It's difficult to let go and trust it will all work out. What will happen to me-- I am left alone with no map...old voices churning

I dont know why this has come up for me? It might have to do with a project ending....feeling like
my voice is not heard. Where do I not show up for myself? Needing an old fashioned meeting where I can speak for myself in a group. The healing of witnessing someones heart as I so often hear in meetings.

Asking for HP's help to guide me and comfort me today

Thursday, January 15, 2015

There is a plan

Beautiful day today ..chilly but I have a chance to look at myself and reflect on what I want my day to look like? Fear does run through me more than I realize. I worry about the future and what will happen to me and those I love. Just for today I can turn it over to HP and do the footwork, reach out to my sponsor, and use the tools of the program.
Step 1 I am powerless
HP is there for me and there is a plan and
I don't have to figure it out.

Friday, January 2, 2015

Adventure of changed attitudes

New Year here I come ready for the adventure one day at a time. Changed attitudes do aid recovery is one area that has dramatically, looking at my life in a new way with the guidance of Alanon.
This holiday was one of the best yet although it had ups and downs nothing like in the past
of why me, I am so alone, no one cares..This is an area I try to work on "no one cares"
it has traveled with me for my life so far. Having addict parents for modeling distorted my views as a child. As an adult I was still looking outside myself for love, it's an inside job I have to report.
Wanting it to change now also doesn't work for me-- it takes time and commitment slowly slowly...
Y still goes into his cave during the Holidays but I have tools to get my needs met.
What are my needs? This is still an area that I am uncertain of at times but I have my program,
meditation and myself to discover which also I believe connects me to everyone.
Working on myself is working on the world around me and hopefully helping those I love.
Happy New Year !

Friday, December 26, 2014


Oh the Holidays are almost over and a new year born...So far things are pretty smooth sailing.
I caught a flu so laying low today but grateful for the gifts of the program.
One day at a time I get to show up for my life. Precious human life that is so brief and dynamic.

One thing I teach: suffering and the end of suffering. It is just Ill and the ceasing of Ill that I proclaim.
--The Buddha {2}
One of the most important questions all belief systems seek to address is: What is the purpose of life? And virtually all religions propose a way of life that will lead to salvation, liberation, satisfaction, or happiness. Buddhism is no exception.
In Buddhism, the primary purpose of life is to end suffering. The Buddha taught that humans suffer because we continually strive after things that do not give lasting happiness. We desperately try to hold on to things - friends, health, material things - that do not last, and this causes sorrow.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Holiday time

Sunny clear crisp morning the Holiday days are here almost. I can feel a little twinge of the loneliness creeping up on me, concentrating on the friends who have left me out of their plans. It is growing up in an alcoholic home the feelings I cant invite anyone over you never know what will happen, plans are broken, your needs are not valid...the family must survive. But despite this today I have a choice in how to deal with it all including the old recordings that run in my head. My choice is to focus on my spiritual side to remember the program is always there for me nurturing me and others. No matter what happens there will be a meeting tonight and tomorrow somewhere near me. I believe this community has kept me going in life more than anything. Then I reach out to others and share my experience strength and hope.

No longer is there a sense of hopelessness no longer must I depend upon my own unsteady will power....

Going back to the steps one two and three..from Alateen.

Some of my anticipated concerns regarding family drinking did occur; however, I observed that my reactions have changed. I repeated the first three Steps to myself often, recognizing that I am powerless over the choices family members make. The old anxiety is the “unmanageable” part of my life. Moving on to Step Two, I turned my life over to my Higher Power and asked Him to restore me to sanity. Recalling the first three Steps gave me a sense of peace and comfort. In addition, I did attend a meeting, which was like food for my soul.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The search for self

The morning is cool and grey starting to feel like fall. Waking up used to be
filled with self hatred and now my life has shifted I see the day with more kindness toward myself.
Mondays meeting was inspiring filled shares of honesty which touches and inspires me.
This is what works for me about the program the search for self using the program as a guide.
Going into myself without a guide would be very dangerous. I have generations behind me
of alcoholics and alanonics to prop up the alcoholics. Forgiving myself is the first key and reaching out to others who are still suffering...Giving it away to keep it.
Getting a sponsor who is there for me and offers me guidance without it being advice....
Working the steps so I dont get stuck in the problem. I can focus on what is not working in my life instead of what is working.

Well today is a day that I get to show up for myself with this life and I can start over at anytime when things arent working.....
I like the idea as life being a work of art.