Friday, July 25, 2014

I will try a different path

Getting ready for work. Appreciate my new part time jobs. Life is full some parts are working some are not...I try to focus on what is working as my brain wants to focus on what is not working and take me into the Alanon storyline. Just for today I will try a different path.
Reaching out to others in the program is part of my recovery.
My sponsor is there for me and most of all I am learning to be there for myself.
HP is waiting in the wings for us all.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014


Feeling tired today my new teaching job is till 10p. After all the excitement I often can't get to sleep
Last night I had an incredible dream. I was in a Indian Hippie restaurant wanting to leave but couldn't more events kept happening. My phone kept disappearing and I needed to make a call to Jan. It was frustrating but the people surrounding me were well intentioned. Eventually a conflict occurred between me and a group of women. They were practicing peace but were ready to do physical harm. I tried to leave to protect myself but events again got in the way.
Looking for support I enlisted one of the head gurus. She guided me and things settled down.

This dream says alot I have some support and opposing forces within me. Looking to the spiritual aspect like the program, it can help guide me. Things will settle in the end.

My life is pretty good despite my work load these days.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

As far as I can tell

I live near the ruins of an old military base from WW II.
It slowly is dissolving back into the earth, in my lifetime I am sure
it will still be standing but less so. Kids skate,  rolling on the edge. Some 
days I can walk there and notice the beauty of decay. Life is in constant motion.
My program has also moved slowly. I like to imagine life is shifting back into the authentic self that is
waiting for me already there, Buddha nature. 
One step at a time-- HP is there waiting to hold me when I can turn it over.
Times are good right now.

Friday, July 18, 2014


Foggy morning not feeling satisfied or happy...might need a break. It's difficult when working for yourself.
The program is there for me but I am sinking down reminds me of a few years ago. I have been working for a long time on a project and it seems the work is taxing although we are getting results now.
Putting this down on paper might be a way to put it in perspective. How do I take care of myself?
Sun maybe awfully foggy in the city.
Starting to feel no one cares including myself which is my old standby when things get down. The negative voices that can emerge in my head. Feelings aren't facts.
Make another call to my sponsor.
Work the steps
Self care nurture myself with attention by resting, walking, yoga.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014


A visitor just left I havent seen him in 12 years, his wife was a good friend. She was killed in a tragic accident in Berlin. It was difficult to see him. I miss A still after all these years....We had so many memories we shared, Eritrea walking the streets, hiking the mountains to a remote monastery picking up an accident victim blood spilling from his head. Laughter too smiling at the absurdity of life.
It was all there shared and then she was gone...and I had it all to myself no one to reminisce with.

Where does my program work with this? Life is many memories learning to not get stuck in just a few.
A will always be with me until I pass...She still makes me smile.
One day at a time.

"A human being is part of a whole, called by us the 'Universe' a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings, as something separated from the rest - a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty." Zen 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Mr Loneliness

Keeping things in the moment. Began reading a blog this morning the future tripping about being sober scared her...the addict is strong and looks for moments to weaken our program. One day at a time
is what I like to concentrate on otherwise the world is at odds for me.
Feeling a little anxious these days needing to get to a meeting. I reach out to my sponsor but she is busy. Might need to send her an email. Keeping the communication open for me is important needing to feel the community is there in meetings on the end of a phone. If I retreat Mr Loneliness is smiling at me from dark corners, self pity is in the fridge drinking my lemonade and I am at odds with the world. The big world is spinning round despite what goes on with me...HP is here also graciously inside us all
Time for work
one day at at time

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Summer in the city....rolling fog