Thursday, February 20, 2014


So nice to open up my blog and look at others posts. Connecting with other Alanon folks
has deepened my life. Knowing I am not alone others are out there in the world
who have gone through similar experiences is freeing for me. Why?
Isolation is a big part of the disease...I still find myself withdrawing in situations thinking they will never be able to understand someone like myself. But with Alanon's help
it is ok not everyone has to understand me as I am learning to love and understand myself.
Small steps of acceptance and compassion toward myself and then reaching into the well to
help others who are still suffering from the disease. For me this is a small act but it has wide reaching realms. A gift of working a program.

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Compassion for self and compassion for others
Acting in a people pleasing manner is not compassion for others
Incredible talk take a listen!

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Simple yet full

Christmas was nice simple and yet full. But I do feel tweaked at different times, just go off the phone with a friend. Feeling left out and less than. No one has a right to these feelings. But it is a good
indicator of what I have felt before from this person in the past. Step back and not react. I felt myself shutting down. hurt.
Life is suffering it is how I deal with this suffering that sets me free.

Getting ready for the new year full of more experiences. I have a life that is precious

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Beautiful day today spent my morning at the Zen Center in the country.
Full sun along the beach, tilled fields and hopes of salmon spawning in the creek that runs from the ocean.
Lots of effort is spent for the fish to come back again.
I enjoyed spending time with an old friend and confessing some of my character defects.
Wanting my mother to wake up and become the woman I envision. This awakening 
will mostly not happen and needing to keep the focus on my life. My job was to care take her needs and forget my own needs. Today I have choices and the ability to have compassion for both of us.
I search for compassion toward her. 
Grateful for a  warm friend today who was there for me when I needed a kind word.

My old feelings of loneliness are popping up here and there. This is part of my disease.
Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, and reaching out the newcomer. I forget sometimes to reach out
to the newcomer I was needing a kind word when I first arrived.

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done. Buddhist thought

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Showing up for myself

Nice to be at home quietly my husband is visiting his Mom. It's good to have alone time. In the past I didn't know how to be alone with myself. I was constantly doing, going, leaving, anything to escape the feelings.
Today I can sit with myself in silence  and enjoy the serenity. This is one of the miracles they talk about in the rooms. Learning to take care of selves and be present for others out of my abundance.

Yesterday I experienced another migraine with my husband being out of town I was a little frightened.
I lost my sight for a few hours. Just kept calm as much as possible meditating helped to ground me.
Reached out to my sister it was a mistake. She is not much of a nurturer.
 I mourn the damage alcoholism has caused our family. I wanted L to be someone who she isnt.
She is who she is I can't change her.  Learning to care for others where they are at and myself where I am at.
Huge lesson for me.

Having a meditation practice is a way of fully entering your life, without reservation. When you meditate, when you sit and notice without assessing how you’re doing, you just show up for your life. In the moment of meditation, nothing is required of you. It’s enough to be here on the planet, to experience a moment of presence, to fully honor the gift of being alive. And it is a gift, one that just comes to you. You don’t have to ask.

If we don't show up for our own life, we tend to ask other people to fill in the bits we won't show up for. That makes it hard on them. So love begins with really showing up. And practice helps. It’s a way of not dodging the difficult, painful bits. It’s also not dodging the beauty and the marvel of life, the wonder and our capacity to connect to others. Love starts there. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Every Holiday I mourn or maybe recreate the past and the hole that is a part of me.
It was dug by days of heavy drinking parents and relatives and also parents that didn’t drink but lived the life anyway.  I was a child in those days. Looking out from my body and watching their pain wanting to fix it for them. That was what I did as a kid. As a teenager
my pain was directed more at self hatred of myself and the world for giving me this life.
Now it’s coming again the holidays and all that it was and trying to make it my own today. Even in the drinking days there was still love. Searching for this love in the madness. Today my hatred has softened but I still search for the connection of family. Not having to make their pain my own is a struggle.
Turning turning it all over as I walk the highway of death. Buddhists like to meditate on death. Just for today I am alive in this second.

Meeting up with other like minded humans tonight

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Floating blue dress

Went to visit several Day of the Dead altars. A couple of them stood out and brought up memories from my past. One was in tribute to an African American dressmaker. The altar was composed of a beautiful blue dress floating from the ceiling with patterns from her past projects creating the background. I remember sewing with my mother and grandmother. We had a large jar filled with buttons from my great grandmother. I would play for hours with these simple pieces. Our times sewing were often quiet and engaging a rarity in our Alcoholic home.
 It is ok today to bring up some of the past as long as I don't get caught in the sadness and pain.
Alanon has given so much to me. I am grateful for my life today.
One day at a time.