My Part in it

Tonight I feel content it might have been the seven meetings last week that added to my serenity. This is a great town for meetings although I feel still hesitant at times to talk about my feelings. What does this all mean?
It could be that a part of me wants to hide out. This old part that kept me safe as a child but does me alot of harm as an adult.
There are lots of old D's hanging out inside not wanting to be brought to the air.

For instance one big issue for me is a friend from outside the rooms who is now in the program. There are many times when a meeting ends she rushes to get hugs from the men. In the past I would wait till she was finished with her conversation with the guys and then say good bye. We dont see one another outside the rooms as we had in the past. I am learning to take care of myself by making new friends in the program. She chats with the men and I chat with my new friends.

Recently I leave without say good bye to T. It feels uncomfortable not acknowledging her presence. It feels rude to me I don't like to discount our old friendship but i don't want to wait till she is done. I have to learn to find my way in all of this with retaining who I am. This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. There is a part of me that thought because T and I were in the program our problems would work out. It has not developed as I hoped.

My part in all this insanity was rescuing others at my expense. This old part of me wants to hang on the old D being a victim of life's injustices. I would wait till she was finished with her fix and then feel angry at her.

This is who T is at the present I have seen some remarkable recovery from her and also from myself surrounding our friendship. The sad part is now that I have detached there isn't a friendship. This care taking role I took on as a child was for my Mom. She used me as a dump for her feelings. Suffering depression as a ten year old had to do with adult problems being presented to me to solve.

Step 2 Turn it over to HP Came to believe a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity

I don't want to blame T for where she is at in her life. But I can learn to take care of myself. No body can make me feel anything without my consent. I am learning to communicate more responsibly. I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can learn to to explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.

Gratitude
1. HP is there and waiting
2. Turn it over
3.Driving is nice especially being out of town for a day

Taking Care

I had to take care of myself and rest today. I wasn't feeling well. The last few days I over worked.
Sometimes I over do my day and fill it to the brim.
My business partner had a falling out with her dentist. She asked me for advice in the matter. I replied Alanon is a great program and might work for you. She smiled and I smiled.
I don't want to take care of her. This care taking could get some resentments brewing. I have enough on my plate keeping the focus on myself so it doesn't get projected out into the world.
In Alanon we don't make anyones choices for them, but we do offer advice of another kind. We suggest attending Alanon meetings, finding a sponsor and reaching out by phone.
Gratitude
HP is there for everyone
My sister sent a wonderful note to me
Carrot soup cures what ails you
We need rain but we are getting too much

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out"
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

taking care of myself

Tonight I made a big pot of meatballs and spaghetti with an organic sauce.
We invited our niece, her husband and their 2 year old son.
In the past I would cook a complicated meal with a desert and drink plenty of good wine to ease the tension. But tonight I kept it simple and didnt have to drink to
ease the tension. I took care of myself and didnt overdo it to create a resentment.
This is the program working learning to take care of myself.
This means not making the fancy desert and sitting down when I feel tired.
Gratitude
1. HP has a plan for me.
2. Life unfolds as it is supposed to

Step 4

Good meeting tonight in Alanon. I havent been to the Thursday night in a while so it was appreciated.
We read Step 4 in all it's glories is the word that comes to mind.

I have been moving the Blue Print for Progress around for a couple of months. I do believe the 98 pages has me a little
overwhelmed. It seems so little of the old me remains will it all wash away with this step? fears
The Ego holding on to who I am.
I grew up with alot of the unknowns...not sure if D was coming home wasted out of his mind or not.
Today I have my H who works in his office from morn till night fall. It does hurt me he spends so little time
just talking with me. But I cant go the poor me syndrom it does not help anyone mainly me.
What can I do to take care of D?
Show up for my life, learn to keep the focus on myself.
Oh the old ways they do come creeping in like bad nightmares.
Gratitude
1. HP comes day and night
2. Step 4 and the willingness
3. I like blood oranges
4. Good friends
5. Alanon makes my life so much more

Shutting down

Great recovery meeting tonight at the Zen Center.
The talk was the past, the speaker then lifted up a photo of himself at 7 years old. He then dscribeed to the group when he started feeling that he didn't belong. Oh yes I can remember exactly the moment I realized that things were getting out of control in my life. I was around 10 years old laying in bed not feeling good, depressed. It was then I knew I would have to start shutting down my feelings they were causing me to feel bad, no one was there to guide me. So that is what I did that day, I left my true self and splintered like a bad piece of furniture. The depression only got worse shutting down didn't seem to help me.

I had to raise my brothers and sisters and did the best a 10 year old could put together. My parents did the best they could also at the time.
I felt very alone and overwhelemed with the adult situations I had to cope with.
Keeping my mohther feeling Ok was a big job if she collapsed things would get real ugly. We all coped with her whispered phone calls to her lovers that lasted for hours some days. This was my childhood in Merriam.


But today I am grateful I have the program, a sponsor and the 12 steps that can help guide me through my life one day at a time. The program help guides me thourgh my life. Today I have choices and people in the rooms sharing thier experience strength and hope.This gives me such relief to know that there are others out there who also have experienced the same insanity that I was raised with and then recreated in my adulthood.

"I don't have to feel alone. I can go to a meeting. or pick up the phone-there is always somebody to reach out in Alanon."

Gratitude
HP shares love with all
12 step Zen meetings have given me so much good recovery
Books keep me feelin good
The voices today are small
I like blood oranges

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart".
Carl Jung

let go and relax

Went to an event tonight to support an elderly woman in her late 8o's. I met her in Yoga didn't really like nor dislike her but shared a year with her in the class.
Tonight they held a retrospect of her photo career from the 1950 to the 80's which focused around civil and labor rights.I saw a side of her that was not revealed in her later life. She shined as she entered the library, smiling and laughing with her old friends.
I was able to show up and not be late due to my husbands needs and my inability to stand up for myself. Though now I look back on some instances and wonder if situations haven't been chosen to act out "a sick need for abandonment". But today was different I felt a comfort in how I treated myself.
I gave rides to several people and set boundaries with them on when I wanted to be at the library and when I wanted to leave. My friend brought her alcholic boyfriend and I didn't stare at him judging his behaviors.
I took care of myself and let others take care of themselves. Wow
Today I have choices about my life.
I can use my time to do something good for myself. One of my primary responsibilities
is to take care of myself. I will find a small way to do something for my mind, body, and spirit.
Gratitude
For HP's
the Alanon program is there for me always
for chocolate bars
Still raining my garden needs it for next year
for forgiveness
for me life as it stands today

part of my recovery is respecting my need and my right to let go and relax.
In All Our Affairs