Monday, November 24, 2014

Holiday time

Sunny clear crisp morning the Holiday days are here almost. I can feel a little twinge of the loneliness creeping up on me, concentrating on the friends who have left me out of their plans. It is growing up in an alcoholic home the feelings I cant invite anyone over you never know what will happen, plans are broken, your needs are not valid...the family must survive. But despite this today I have a choice in how to deal with it all including the old recordings that run in my head. My choice is to focus on my spiritual side to remember the program is always there for me nurturing me and others. No matter what happens there will be a meeting tonight and tomorrow somewhere near me. I believe this community has kept me going in life more than anything. Then I reach out to others and share my experience strength and hope.

No longer is there a sense of hopelessness no longer must I depend upon my own unsteady will power....

Going back to the steps one two and three..from Alateen.

Some of my anticipated concerns regarding family drinking did occur; however, I observed that my reactions have changed. I repeated the first three Steps to myself often, recognizing that I am powerless over the choices family members make. The old anxiety is the “unmanageable” part of my life. Moving on to Step Two, I turned my life over to my Higher Power and asked Him to restore me to sanity. Recalling the first three Steps gave me a sense of peace and comfort. In addition, I did attend a meeting, which was like food for my soul.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

The search for self

The morning is cool and grey starting to feel like fall. Waking up used to be
filled with self hatred and now my life has shifted I see the day with more kindness toward myself.
Mondays meeting was inspiring filled shares of honesty which touches and inspires me.
This is what works for me about the program the search for self using the program as a guide.
Going into myself without a guide would be very dangerous. I have generations behind me
of alcoholics and alanonics to prop up the alcoholics. Forgiving myself is the first key and reaching out to others who are still suffering...Giving it away to keep it.
Getting a sponsor who is there for me and offers me guidance without it being advice....
Working the steps so I dont get stuck in the problem. I can focus on what is not working in my life instead of what is working.

Well today is a day that I get to show up for myself with this life and I can start over at anytime when things arent working.....
I like the idea as life being a work of art.

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Taking care of buisness

Sunday cool the sun is peeking out under the fog, soon it will cover the day with strong fall light.
Grateful that I am sober alive with some clear thoughts. My muddy thinking is waiting to come forward but today the intention is here with me now unveiling serenity.

My Y turned 60 yesterday sweet slow day, remembering back to when we were kids dating.
He was the man for me despite all the warning signs. The top student in his class but so full of rage. Our relationship has been my sanctifier, dharma gate, I was forced to look into myself. No choice.  Y is a good man and I am a good woman but we got some troubles sometimes. Alot of the time
it would be great if he was someone who i want him to be, but that is not how it works.
Letting go of expectations and taking care of my business cause I got business to mind for today.


Friday, October 24, 2014


Running through the internet I came acorss some dive bar photos. Looking at these brought me back to my younger days waiting for my father in the car while he got a drink...for a second
My father was an intelligent man, creative and a free thinker-- but suffered with the disease.
He ended up getting sober at the end of his life...miracle
Eventually he stopped going to meetings, I asked him why he stopped going.
His reply saddened me,"I don't deserve their kindness." His reply made a big impact on me keeping me going back despite what the voices inside were saying. I deserve kindness, love and all the other gifts the program has to offer.
Keeping the program alive by reaching out today...

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Letting Go

The most loving from of detachment is forgiveness, just finished reading my Courage to Change.
It is one of my more difficult character defects letting go of how I want things to be through my will. Things should be done my way and I will teach them how it is supposed to be...This was my job as a child to monitor everyone, give them direction. My needs we not important.  I was taking care of others at the expense of myself at a very young age. I was worried about my brothers and sisters they had no direction. As I aged my care taking became a career, managing projects not taking care of myself. Friends would call me any time of day and night going into great detail regarding their problems. I listened offering my advice but I began to get angry. They never asked how I was doing. When was it going to be my turn to be heard? The turn never came because I didn't know how to take care of myself. Taking care of myself means going inside to listen, to stop doing, not being always available. 
My resentments against others dwindle also when I cease to become HP.  Forgiving myself for my humaness allows me to forgive others. Everyone has their own HP. Letting go of how I want the outcome to look like. Letting go of taking care of others oftentimes they aren't asking for the help anyway these days. 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

The Plan

Today I am here in this life, present and ready for the day to unfold. I feel lucky working for myself out of my home. It does have challenges, fears I cant complete my jobs. But I reach out to those in my field and go to meetings and make program calls. The program has taught me I can't do it alone, no one is really doing it alone. We are social beings and learning to love and care for myself has moved me to love and help others. The important message for me is to let go also of what the outcome should look like. Attachments letting go---detaching with love
More is revealed and more will be revealed if I can have an open mind and the ability to be present.
Looking into my blog there are many I's...guess it's a diary for me really anonymously.
When I first started writing there was alot of pain in my life, it has opened up and moved out into
a broader deeper vision. This too shall pass about sums up pain for me today. Doing the footwork and trusting HP has a plan for me and everyone else in the universe.

Friday, October 3, 2014

tool chest

Beautiful day here!
Our summer has arrived the beaches are warm people are out walking the edge of the water.
As soon as it is possible I too am going down to walk. Grateful for my life.
More will be revealed --- there is a tool chest for my support.
Just for today.