Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Addiction messed up our thinking. We know that from taking Step One. We forgot things. We had blackouts. We made excuses, and we even started to believe them. We were mixed up. We couldn't figure things out. We decided to get high and forget about it. Now our minds are clear. We can keep thinking clearly if we work our program and Keep It Simple. Don't drink or use other drugs. Go to meetings. Work the Steps. Be yourself. Ask for help. Trust your Higher Power. Two thoughts will always mess us up if we let them in. They are "Yes, but..." and "What if?" Don't let them in. Keep It Simple. ~Keep It Simple

Dec 30 Rage Night

I had a wonderful day today till I came home. My husband began his rage out of control a few minutes after I walked in the door. What did I do? I try to detach using the program I have gotten better at not engaging with his rage. I don't have to fix him, I can barley fix myself. He got angry that he couldnt find a flashlight. Blamed me for not being able to find one in my closet.  He then begins his verbal assults which are very cruel. Often the verbally abusive insults are brought up from years ago and deal with my family. How much they think I am a fuck up and what I great guy they think he is. 
But what he thinks of me is none of my this line
Really this is a miracle that I can sit here and type and not be obsessed by his rage and begin my spin of what a horrible person I am. In the past I would go out and become crazy to escape my low self esteem . The next day I would ask for his forgiveness. 
Yes for his raging I would ask forgiveness.
 I can go on and on about the problem but I would like to stay in the solution. Otherwise I obsess, worry and begin some crazy thinking and the circle it goes round and round. 
Buddhist meditation has really increased my awareness, having some calm moments to bring into my day. 

A shift has happend in my life, I would say the program is working miracles.
Gratitude for today
1. Alanon programs
2. Willingness to heal my life
3. Recognized a beautiful day today