Monday, February 28, 2011

Step 9

Sitting down in front of my computer after a great meeting. I truly get something out of every meeting I attend. They talked of Step 9 making amends. This was a mind altering experience for me. I worked the steps with a therapist who was in the program.

When I made amends to Y it was extremely difficult I was guilt ridden. When I did the footwork and turned the results over... my victim character defect had its foundation shaken up. I was also a victimizer. The see saw of character defects victim - victimizer.

They also mentioned putting ourselves at the top of the list. I feel odd thinking of making amends to myself for the wrongs I did. Learning to take care of myself one day at a time.
I took care of others at my expense, but then I expected them to care for me. It was a no win situation...full of resentments for desert.
Taking responsibility for my precious life is freeing. This is a revolutionary act learning to help make the world a better place.

"Most of the shadows of this life are caused my standing in one's own sunshine"

Sunday, February 20, 2011

readiness of the mind

Tonight I am enjoying sitting at home after making a nice dinner and reading. My new read is Zen Mind Beginners Mind by Shunryu Suzuki. It has helped me find some peace by practicing meditation and working the 12 steps.

This weekend I helped organize a social remedial party for our recovery group. We brought food to the center so we could get to know people better with a little socializing. I had a horrible migraine most of the day but took my medication so after a couple of hours was able to get out of bed. Getting the right diagnosis has helped my life tremendously.

I was in charge of bringing food, films and gear for the event. As I began to feel a little better a frantic pace took over, people were counting on me to make this event happen. The spin began but I was able to step back and not attach to my mind.
It was wonderful to be able to let go of the whirl of my mind. What would happen if I was late I thought but realized the party would go on without me.
Alanon has crept into my world making it so much more pleasant. In the past I would have berated myself for being sick. The voices are getting smaller although the spin still happens just not as loud and not has fast.

Arriving later everything, was already set up without me. What, they could perform without my help? I enjoyed myself and chatted with people that I have wanted to speak with in the past.
Many young recovery people are so together it is inspiring to listen to their stories.

As the evening progressed I went to sit near a woman I have spent time with outside the rooms.
It began with her asking where my husband was. She then progressed with more and more intimate questions. It was as if I was in a courtroom, she is an attorney. My husband rarely goes out with me as most of the time he is working. My husband is a workaholic.
I have learned to take care of myself by going to parties on my own. I ended up walking away from the woman but felt very violated. I don't have to answer every question that is posed to me. Her action might need some more work on it's own. To take care of myself in the future could mean walking away from her earlier in the question game if she continues to publicly shame me. I can feel a resentment brewing tonight I am going to pray for her and wish her well.
Sometimes I freeze in situations like the one I experienced on Saturday night. I also want to give credit to a good evening well spent with recovery friends. My lesson for last night was life has many types of experiences it is for me learning to still enjoy my times even if there is one bad event. All in all I had a good time and I am not going to let one bad event spoil the entire evening.

It is readiness of the mind that is wisdom.
Shunryu Suzuki

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

True Knowledge

The morning is unfolding just fine. I have been working a strong program for three years now after a long hiatus. Today I feel a calm self with just a tiny speck of anxiety.
Learning more how to live inside D with the guidance of the program.

I am trying to look at old patterns and react differently. In the past I have said yes and then held a resentment. Last night the secretary asked me for a ride just as I was leaving the room. It was difficult for me to say no to her in a kind gentle way. After I told her I wasn't going her way home she looked at my puzzled. I was with an old friend whom I hadn't seen in a year and wanted to spend some alone time with her. I am learning to get my needs met and to not feel guilty. I like to be a people pleaser everyone can count on, In doing this I often neglected myself.

Just for today I will look for new ways. This day is all I have to work with. The past is over, and tomorrow is out of my reach.

If your mind is clear, true knowledge is already yours.
Zen Mind Beginners Mind

Saturday, February 12, 2011

taking time

Loved the day walked along the cliffs and watched the ocean shift and reflect.
I am watching one of my character defect these days trying not to get attached to an outcome. Some days I approach my program with a goal in mind which is feeling better about myself.
My experience is I want to hurry up and jet through the day because I cant deal with my feelings.
Patience with my life is healing, taking time to watch the sky is healing, taking time for my life is hhealing.
Rushing through it all is not going to make the uncomfortable feelings go away. There will be plenty of character defects just down the horizon for me so it's important to laugh at it all.
This is a crazy ride life, so glad I have this precious gift.

If I cant recognize the love I already have in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more? Let me acknowledge what has already been given to me.

HP is there for the good and the bad days
right now in this moment I feel some serenity

Monday, February 7, 2011


Came out of meeting tonight calm but not feeling well. It is nice to have a group of friends in the porgram that I enjoy and learn so much from. I am glad I show up for my life as this is a precious gift I was given.

The topic tonight was step six having Hp remove our defects of character. Learning to practice gratitude is important learning to give thanks for my life. This way I can accept the healing that allows me to change and grow. By learning to to cultivate my abilities I can increasingly let go of my defects. I cling to my feelings of self doubt and my poor attitude toward myself.
Why is not important here I like to think of slowly letting go of these character defects.
Opening up to being in the moment to be patient to the mystery.

I get afraid that I will not survive. This I carry from childhood trauma. I often went to bed fearful of what was going to happen as the night fights grew louder. But I trust I have created
a life where fearing of the night is over. I am grateful with the program I live a pretty calm
life despite the turmoil that happens in my head.

Today due to a migraine I had to stay in bed. My mind began to spin with all host of negative self talk. I tried not to attach to my spin but let go of it. This horrible defect has been with me for a long time. I am trying to learn to love myself slowly it takes time to dig out years of recordings.
Acceptance, love and patience guide me along with the program and my HP.
I do believe changing my attitude can also help change my life. It is difficult to love after I had been shut down to so many feelings. It just takes time it takes time and love.

I am learning to let go of my faults and let god take care of the rest.
"Just remain on your cushion without expecting anything.Then eventually you will resume your own true nature. That is to say your own true nature resumes itself."
Suzuki Roshi

Friday, February 4, 2011

Taking Time

Beautiful seafood meal tonight with friends that I have not seen since last March.
The meal was incredible a selection of raw fish paired with cherries, pistachios and Jerusalem artichokes. R has been a friend of mine for over twenty years I met him when he recently arrived from France. In the last two years I have stepped back from our friendship due to his increasing drinking at his parties. Once he has a few under his belt the insults could begin and resentments boil. But there are many things I do like about him which include his humor and generosity. Tonight he didn't drink as much as in the past. I enjoyed talking to him and he asked a few questions about AA and Alanon.

I dont go into detail about the programs I let it speak through my example of living.
He mentioned they drink too much. I looked at him and listened. Sometimes the best gift I can give is to listen with my heart. If I take care of myself I can also help others by my example.
I eat well, rest and exercise. It feels odd giving myself some praise. Just for today I can
enjoy the moment with friends.