Sunday, June 28, 2009

Victim Role but yet again....

A couple of days ago I felt I was being victimized. My friend invited me to dinner with her boyfriend. She rushed to sit near his friends as he had his back to her and was ignoring her. The new seating arrangement had her boyfriend now sitting with his back to me the whole dinner, she also ignored me as she gulped more and more red wine. I came home enraged I felt I was being victimized. In the past I may have drunk over another persons bad behavior toward me. My rage was directed at me,
I caused them to act in a certain way. But I did not cause this behavior and I can not control these people.
What can I do differently in the future to take care of myself?
I know I am not helpless I have choices. I can resist the urge to blame others and look to my own involvement instead. That is where I can make changes.
1. God has a plan and will not let me out of his sight
2. My life is a reflection of my attitude and working a program keeps my attitude at it's clearest
3. The world has suffering it is how I deal with the suffering that sets me free
4. Love trying to love my husband is difficult I am trying to find one thing to like ...his laugh is nice though
5. For my non profit and learning to give myself credit
6. My family and all their follies

I would do well to accept the challenge to look to my own recovery before I spent any more of my precious life wishing the alcoholic would change.......Living with sobriety

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Step 2

I have so much to thank Alanon, my life was taken over by a crazy
Oh yes my marriage was in a horrible mess and I was depressed. I felt like I was doomed and just going through life I was so misreable. I had no tools to take me into a life, my program helped me develope skills. Listening to other people talk about their problems I realized I was not alone. Turn it all over sister Turn it over
Higher Power, whatever that is out there or in here inside ...guides me, enfolds me, loves me
My therapist years ago told me all the answers are inside you, I kept thinking there was some golden calf and I was in search of it.
"Today I will focus on my own behvior, If it could stand some improvement, I will ask a power greater than myself for help."
Courage to Change
1. Meditation and the 12 steps
2. My health again I have a cold but less migraines with the medicine that allows me to lead a somewhat pain free life
3. Cooking good food and having friends over to eat with
4. The Sun has been foggy here lately

"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed" Chinese Proverb

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Keep it simple

Today I was overwhelmed with duties so many things I had to accomplish and nothing was getting done. I eventually took out my timer which helps me get focused. I am such a task maker and want to get it all done
The program has taught me to do the footwork and all else follows, keep it simple.
Feelings of self hatred often follow me when I get into these feelings.
Why dont I I should Have I could Have My life is over.....damn I had these thoughts when I was a teenager.
If I can stay in the moment alot gets happening things fall into place.

"This day is all I have to work with, and it is all I need. If I am tempted to worry about tomorrows concerns, I will gently bring my mind back to today". Courage to Change
That I am sober and havent sabotaged myself with hangovers
God or Goddess is always watching over me
I dont have to fix anybody right now
Desert panocotta I like it better than cheesecake
Sun it feels so good on my body

"The past has flown away. The coming month and year do not exsist. Ours only is the present's tiny point" Mahmud Shabistari

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Rise to the Occasion without resenting it later

Tonight I shared ny story at a Alanon meeting on the spur of a moment call. I shocked myself by saying sure I would be there to share my story. I didnt get the tornado inside and burn up till my body and I were seperate. Sitting in the chair I was present and kept it sweet and short didnt go back and share too many of the gory details of my childhood. I do feel I leave out the fun that was present in my childhood but there is always something. So for my next share I will try and bring more the fun into
it I did laugh in my share and so did the rest of the people also. One of the old members of Alanon confessed she has never had a sponsor nor has she done the steps I think she has 10 years....crazy really
Oh well turn it over
1. HP walked with me today and will always no matter what
2. The program works when I work it
3. for the beatiful day today full of crisp air and sunshine
4. for my home and scrubbing bon ami to remove the shoe marks from the humane society bird rescue mission at my home
5. The Courage to Change handbook
6. For coffee it really helps me

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Let Go and Let God

I have been busy this week not one meeting! Missing my meetings is like not brushing my teeth I really like to go and check in.
So I go on the blogs and read and relax and try to check in with myself.
Let go and Let God
teaches us to release problems that trouble and confuse us, becuase we are not able to solve them by ourselves
This is Alanon
That My HP is with me all the time
My victim presona is getting weaker in ALanon
For the fresh salad today with sunflower greens
My life I have a wonderful life and to be grateful for it
For recovery and all that it entails

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Feeling odd

Oh it happened tonight at a ALanon party, yes the feeling of odd ...don't fit in....these people are crazy
I was speaking to a fellow member and felt like she was taking me hostage and I couldn't pull myself from talking to her.
I felt like I had to take care of her to take care of myself. Trust HP has a plan for them and turn their life over to God.
Yes that is it ..and as the evening wore on I finally took myself out of being held hostage and talked to other party goers.
It felt good that I took care of myself. But what did i get out of this behavior? By me taking care of her I was taking care of myself.
Let Go and Let God
1. HP is here right now
2. My office is a pretty nice space to work in
3. I don't have alot of stuff
4. my migraine left with medicine I didn't have to lie in bed all day
5. Alanon is there to surround and love me no matter what i think
"I discovered to secret of the sea in the meditation upon a dewdrop"
Kahlil Gibran

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Let Go and Let God

Oh yea what a week, full of relatives staying at my home. I do love family but one of my problems is having boundaries
with them, i merge and become one. Then the resentments begin...oh yea those pesky creatures
My nephew graduated from college and was at the top of his class he did great. I really am proud of him and wish him great success in his life. I reminded his parents way in advance they might like to have a party for their son. In the past my husband and I have picked up their slack and had many a dinner party on their behalf. N just walks in and watches me do all the work... I would get angier and angier as the evening wore on. Taking up her slack left me angry and resentful I needed to detach from the situation and Let Go and Let god take over...not me
I prepared myself with their upcoming graduation, to let them take care of themselves. The night before my husband offered to make bbq for 15 people, I backed out. I just am not willing to carry the resentment. I told N I was not going to have the bbq for their son in the most loving tone I could muster and really meant it. Everything worked out just the way it was supposed to
they ordered Thai food at 10pm and we ate chips. This is the program working in my life one day at a time.
I felt like their was real accomplishment in my life that night it felt like a miracle happened.
Grateful today
1. HP was with me all day and night
2. My sister in law can take care of herself
3. The program works in small ways
4. The program has a plan for me

Sunday, June 7, 2009


Tired tonight had a great day woke up at 6a to head off to the flee market.
Didnt feel I needed any more items but wanted to meet an old friend. This friend loves flee market and so the story unfolds. She and I havent been seeing it eye to eye since I have doubled up my program. I am beginning to like myself more and due to this cant take abuse as I used to. The holidays cemented the last of what kind of a friendship I have with N. She cant be there like a friend so I have to detach and let go. Cant change cant cure it and didnt cause it...somethin like that
"When I thought about how much I had to be gratful for my fantasy showed itself to be no more than a shadow. Reality presented itself a different picture entirely"
Courage to Change
1.HP surronded me today
2. I detahced from a situation that could have been toxic today
3. The beautiful planter I purchased and fought for at the flee market
4. That the day turned out nice I gardened and loved being outside
5. Friends they bring alot to my life
6. My skin is healing from juicing and salves

Saturday, June 6, 2009

poor me

Had a full day lots of running around and errands to catch up on. My most recent job has paid me little and there is whole new skill set I have to catch up on. I would like to examine my attitude about this project. Become a victim or set a challenge and do the best work with a good attitude even though I may not make a good salary this time around. I would like to set up a new place for D with a new outlook.
Part of me wants to always be the one who gets the shaft everyone else has the goodies.
"Blaming my discomfort on outside events can be a way to avoid facing the real cause-my own attitudes. I can see myself as a victim, or I can accept what is happening in my life and take responsibility for my response. I may be guided to take action or to sit still, but when I listen to the guidance of my Higher Power I will no longer be the victim of my circumstances" Courage to Change
1. HP never let me down
2. Music it brought alot of joy to me today
3. The meeting tonight along with it's cast of characters
4. Apple and it's help with IDVD
5. Yoga and my teacher it has changed my back and now my neck
6. The night and the joy of it's rest

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Drive Myself

Beautiful day today the sun peeked through the fog and yes there is light ...
My medical problems still surface today was another test. I feel so lucky to have such a great Doctor she makes me laugh despite it all. My husband took me to the appointment he was trying hard to show up. We have remained married for almost 30 years, some years were better than others. Alanon has really added to our relationship,it helps me understand that disputes come up even when everyone is doing thier best. Driving home tonight he began to get aggressive on the road, his behvior scares me I want to control him. My old part wants to fight him, teach him, correct him...Engage in his bad behavior. With the help of Alanon I try and seperate from his behavior and detach from the descisions he makes about his life. When possible I try not to ride with him in a car, I like to drive myself. Practice Turning my life over to HP he she has a plan for me. By detaching and letting go I can forgive and let go of my resentment toward him. Loving myself enough to admit that resentments hold me back.
"Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someones neck, I am really only choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead."
Courage to Change
1. HP is with me all day
2. The Program holds me when I cant hold myself
3. The surgery went well and I felt little pain
4. Made a delicous fresh pineaplle juice
5. Relatives had a great dinner no gossip
6. Sun peeked out later in the day

Letting Go Of Stuff

My relatives are here visiting again. In some ways I have always happy when they come it pushes me to do more in the home and get things done. The little things in that I have wanted to do for a while but just didnt have time or the drive. Lately I do let go of things much easier than I used to. Goodwill bound get rid of it if you are not using it. That feels great to free myself of clutter, not that my home is cluttered it is not. I can trust that the universe has a plan for me and trust in a HP that it will all work out like it is supposed to. The real freedom for me has to do with letting go and detaching from the outcome. Let Go of the stuff.........
"Today I take an active role in fulfilling my needs. I can choose to become someone I would want to have in my life."
Courage to Change
1. HP
2. Coffee love to have a cup later in the day and today was not an exception
3. My husband I love him and thank him for being in my life
4. Great home made dinner
5. Costco and the great new toothbrush I bought for my teeth
6. That I have nice teeth and hope to take care of them till I pass from the earth
7. For my recovery program and all the gifts it has given to me
8. That my friend is back in the program after a slip