Sunday, July 29, 2012

WaTCHING

I feel comfortable tonight. Sitting reading blogs ...Went to an art opening today across the bridge full of promising artists and curious viewers. I enjoyed talking to a cartoon artist reading a piece he is creating for CNN. I am outraged about Guantanamo Bay he agreed. It saddens me to have this horror happening today committed by our country.


I ended the day attending a meditation meeting. Eugene Cash spoke of watching our experience by labeling
our experiences - pleasant, unpleasant, neutral. Watching  but not attaching to thoughts, this is freedom to me.


 vijja or the insight knowledge is knowing the pleasant and neutral and unpleasant as they are. We're not asking for partial sensitivity any more, or for the best of the sensory experiences, but we are opening towards total sensitivity which includes all possibilities for pain, ugliness, unpleasantness. Avijja says: 'I don't want to lose my looks; I don't want to have any unpleasant experiences; I want to be happy'. That's avijja. Vijja says: 'There is suffering; there is the origin and the cessation, and there is the way out of suffering.'

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Just for today

Because all beings are fundamentally Buddha Nature, all beings may realize enlightenment.


I find this comforting to realize we are perfect just as we are right now. Within me I am Buddha within all beings there is Buddha nature.  


Last night in the meeting the talk was on setting an intention. This I practice pretty much throughout the day in my program. Just for today I wont drink I will try to my best ability to show up for my precious human life. There are many forms that try to detour me along the way to sobriety. 
They appear but I dont have to invite them in for tea or go and have a drink over the voices.
One appearance that happens for me these days is the voice of " there is something else that I should be doing instead of being there for myself in a meeting." But I show up anyway despite the voices.
This is my addict trying to pull me down. A woman mentioned addicts being
Irritable, restless and ill at ease. This pretty much fits the description of myself at times.
Being of service to others also helps me and others. To keep it you have to give it away freely.

Gratitude for having choices in my life today


Thursday, July 12, 2012

You just don't understand

Finished a dinner after a wedding rehearsal for my friend. It was wonderful to be present to the anarchy
of her planning without trying to change it to make it right for me. Weddings can be so overly planed with it all being just so right ...then months later it turns out so wrong. I like things to be shaken up with room for free edges. The wedding planner came disguised as Church representive. She looked at my friend the bride informing her with tight lips " this is all very important things need to be planned. You just don't seem to understand."
I can laugh about it now but I also got caught up in her world. That is right it all needs to be perfectly planed.
And then I get to step  back and mess it up so life can unfold in it's own zany way.
Alanon has allowed me to let go and let god and especially to laugh.
Tomorrow I wear a bridesmaid dress in my 50's.
Gratitude for the incredible wonderful wacky life

Monday, July 9, 2012

Sometimes quickly

Day spent with an old friend from NY. She moved four years ago I still miss her presence.
We ate dinner and spoke of life. It is nice that I didn't feel enmeshed with her but could have my place and she could have her place.
As I have learned to keep the focus on myself I am paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings.
In the past I would merge with the individual thinking of their well being over my own and then get a good resentment brewing. They were supposed to take care of me when the occasion arose. They just never seemed to pay me back the way I wanted.

One particular friend always wanted rides from me. In the past I would pick her up driving her around town
because I didnt want to be alone. I was trying to fill a deep hole that was going to be filled by the other person. But this just never paned out. They often didn't pay me back in a way that I wanted  so I was a victim again although they were hole fillers for me....

Today I don't expect payback the hole in my soul has been filled sometimes quickly sometimes slowly
Grateful for the program

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Old days


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Live and let live

Wonderful day made lunch for a dear friend purred carrot soup, salmon rolls with watermelon for desert.
It was delicious. We then visited the museum for a photo show. The Traina collection was a disappointment bought with D Steeles influence. Nice to get out and look at photos though despite the poor collection.
Tonight feeling content and fulfilled glad I can take in some good feelings toward myself.
The world seems just fine the way it is tonight.
Gratitude
Live and let live




Monday, July 2, 2012

Turning it over

Woke up feeling very negative this morning. Nothing was lifting my spirits till I went to acupuncture then things started to shift. I was feeling out of sorts with D and trying to run from myself. This has not worked in the past nor will it more than likely work in the future. 

Despite myself I made efforts by having coffee with another alcoholic. I inquired about her husbands liver transplant. She then mentioned her feelings of "no one showing up" to encourage her these past days.
Self pity I guess you might call it runs ran pent with the disease. My mind will go to who is not calling me, how they hurt me, what I did for them and they in turn hurt me. My addiction wants food to keep it alive...

One day at a time
Practicing gratitude toward what works in my life
Doing service for other newcomers
Turning it over to HP

Annie

Annie