Monday, May 31, 2010

Awareness, Acceptance Action

Didn't know what to do with myself today. Too many days in a row with no structure and I begin to feel out of sorts with life. If you knew me it would seem the opposite in fact I like freedom and no plans, being spontaneous.

Today I answered the phone to a friend N who sets me off most times. I have taken great distance from our friendship.
I put my self worth into other peoples hands, less than I used to but it still happens.
She is doing her best in life but things have changed for me. I no longer want to participate in the negative talk we engaged in. My part in all of it was to lift my self esteem by speaking ill of others. This behavior doesn't serve me anymore.
Awareness Acceptance and Action

Acceptance can be empowering because it makes choices possible.

"For here we are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead."
Thomas Jefferson

Friday, May 21, 2010

Trying to change other people

It is a hot sunny day today in Connecticut, I am on vacation. I had severe anxiety beforehand, on the plane and right up to visiting a dying relative. My trip also involves going to the Omega Institute to see Pema Chodron a Buddhist lecturer. She has given me great insight into the workings of the mind and some incredible relief through her teachings.

I tried to prepare myself on what to expect with my visit to F, remembering my grandmothers last days in the hospital.
It took great effort on my part as she lives across country. I had several anxiety attacks. Practicing the program guided me through discomfort. F is still lucid but very fragile. She must weigh 80 pounds but is still feisty.

My in law took me to see her in Manhattan. My in laws argued the entire time I was with them, they act like children. It is hard for me to be around this behavior. But, I don't have to fix them which I always feel is my duty. Strange enough I feel a kind of addiction when I am around them. This is where I detach with love from them. I don't need to interfere with their problems.
I am learning the difference between help and interference this gives me a chance to examine my part in the insanity.
I limited my stay to 2 days with them and glad I created limits.

The Buddhist teachings were incredible giving me great tools to look at the workings of my mind. It was very sad to hear Pema talk of her sister in law dying of alcoholism at 48 years old. It gave me a chance to realize even with such an incredible lady as Pema as her mother in law the disease of alcoholism is sometimes fatal. It knows no class, race or sex.
Learning more, doing the footwork and letting the program guide me.

Whatever is the cause that binds is the path that liberates. The Ninth Gyalwant Karmapa

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mind my own buisness

It was a cloudy day today but I enjoyed myself. My friend and I went to a garden lecture at Sunset magazine. It was really for amateurs but getting out and
looking at flowers makes me feel good. I can see why they place them in religious settings. A nurturning space has a flower nestled here or there.

I value spending time with my friend. It has been a challenge at times watching her struggle with her alcoholic boyfriend. She watches his every move, making sure he doesn't drink too much. With her helicopter surveillance her own personal hygiene has just gone haywire. It saddens me and at times I mention the program to her.
She listens but hasn't acted much toward her own recovery. This is where I detach, she has her HP. I need to mind my own business. Let Go and Let God. When I am concentrating too much on others peoples lives I might be avoiding looking closer at mine.

12 stepping still working on Step 4
Love my garden hope my Russian tomatoes work near the ocean
My in law is getting old I really have to see her soon
today was a good day

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Learning to bring words to my feelings has been a challenge. For years I expressed myself poorly but was lucky to have work as a creative outlet.

Tonight my husband made a couple of nasty remarks.His words in the past would have added fuel to a fight. For some reason I let the comments fly over my head. In one instance I felt he could be right about a friend who had invited us to dinner. He insulted my husband verbally at one of his large dinner parties.
I chose to ignore it but felt it was bad behavior and was humiliated. Could it have been the large amounts of wine my friend drank that night? That is none of my business.

But my business is taking care of D, me. What am I getting out of humiliation?
My suffering brought me alot of attention and pity. I grew accustomed to blaming others for my problems. These benefits are no longer worth the price.

Like they say I am finding out in Alanon and the help of my HP there is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering. I am learning to let that person blossom.

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances....Martha Washington

1. For Alanon
2. Service
3. Willingness to learn and grow
4. Going to see Pema Chodron at Omega Institute
5. My Health so many of me dear friends are in horrible shape
6 Prayer for those out there still suffering

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Last night i found it hard to sleep, all night I was spinning with horrible negative obsessive thoughts. It lasted for a few hours and then I remembered turning it all over to god. When a negative thought came up I prayed. I prayed for self acceptance, I prayed for addicts still out, I prayed for relief. Slowly the obsession lifted and I slept. It was a hard night.

It has been many months since I have gone through such a hardship. The spin did not last for days it lasted for a few hours. Prayer is a great gift of the program.
I am full of Gratitude. I am not a religous person but I do practice meditation.

This morning after the long night I drove to recovery conference. It was an hour drive outside town, but I went despite having no sleep. My GPS led me to a adondened pier which was the wrong address. It was frightening no one was around and it is in a bad area of town. I tried to keep calm and reentered the address. Eventually the GPS took me to the right address.

The conference was full of people working on thier recovery, and I got to be of service to my group. I felt that it was all worth it once I arrived. Being in a room full of recovering people makes me feel good.

"God meets me where I am ...If I am just willing, He will come to me" As we understood

1. AA and the tool kit that comes with working the program
2. Friends in the program
3. Kombucha tea hope it isnt too sugary for me
4. Acceptance
5. Feeling comfortable in my own skin

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


It was a full day today. After work I met a friend at an art auction. We both enjoy art and have collected over the years. Despite the fact I don't have as much money as D I still have some nice original works of art. I began collecting around 20 years ago with small works of students.

She and I have developed a friendship over the years, I enjoy her company. We dont share deep secrets but are close none the less. Some of my friends that I shared more personal aspects of myself to have not really stuck through the thick and thin.
But she and I have remained over the years.

It's odd really I think it might have something to do with my choices in who I got close to in the past. It's great to have the opportunity to look into my life and examine some of my past. Everyone who plays a part in our lives offers something
we might learn. Other people can be our mirrors, reflecting our better and our worse qualities. The can help us to work through conflicts from the past that were never resolved. They can act as catalysts.
I will welcome those friends my HP brings to me today.

1. for the program one step at a time
2. meditation
3. patience I had to sit through another translation session today
4. Curious driving an electric vehicle for a few days while my car is being repaired

"Seperate reeds are weak and easily broken; but bound together they are strong and hard to tear apart." The Midrash