Thursday, September 22, 2011

Turning it over

Speaking too soon on a blog about how things were going well for me. Yesterday I was feeling productive but had a slight migraine which turned bad towards the middle of the day. I took a pill which cured the pain and this allowed me to go out to dinner with a new acquaintance. I felt fragile physically though but didn't want to let her down. We've had so many broken dinner dates. We sat outside a restaurant she suggested which was closed. I mentioned to her doesn't look like it is opening
maybe we should check the sign? We walked across the street to another restaurant.

There was an uncomfortable edge through the meal, she was high I believe. Then she mentioned a planned vacation with a good friend of mine, this vacation break was also suggested to me. I began to feel rejected, unworthy, and less than on many levels now I realize. 1. She was high and really wasn't present. 2. Maybe I shouldn't have gone when I wasn't feeling up to par. Learning to take care of myself is important. I begin to feel sorry for myself and retreat into a world of self pity. This spiral is very painful full of horrible torturing reruns. There are program tools to help guide me.

This morning writing about my night helps give me relief. Sitting in mediation might be in the works. Learning to have compassion for where I am at in recovery is healing. Turning my will and my life over to HP. We will know a new freedom and happiness. It is rewarding and difficult to wake up to my life in a new way. Turning with life a sufi dancer....

Pema Chodron

Meditation is a process of lightening up, of trusting the basic goodness of what we have and who we are, and of realizing that any wisdom that exists, exists in what we already have.

Dzigar KongtrĆ¼l: That’s quite right. Your attitude in the moment will determine whether you use the experience to manifest positive qualities or enhance your negativity.

To have positive attitudes under negative circumstances undercuts the power of the negative circumstances. Rather than falling down and then trying to get up again out of desperation, only to slip on the same thing, except harder, you can take a positive attitude toward your suffering and pain. The problem is that when you are hit with pain, it is so easy to act automatically. So, you need to go through a little bit of a withdrawal process, to learn to simply be with the experience rather than react or try to fix it. Once you get some strength to just be with the experience, then the experience of the pain will begin to lose some of its solidity and power, which gives you a chance to reorganize your whole mind. In the end, you might actually come to appreciate the pain.

This is written by a master but what it gives me is a new approach to deal with negative feelings. Feelings are not Facts.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Giving rise to peace

Had a full day at the Zen Center retreat. It was a beautiful fall day, sunny and warm.
Sitting with a room full of women in silence is rewarding and challenging. My mind clings to the annoying one in the room.
She wants to leave and ride her bike it's too nice a day to sit inside. I wanted to wake her up! Walk through it lady with your
head up, is the first thing that came to me. I picked up my chair and moved away from her, I just didnt want to get caught in the net. In the corner I heard her mention needing to leave shortly.
Despite my clinging to the negative "one" it was a beautiful day. In the past these situations would spoil my days. Hiding out behind the disappointment is a place that I choose not to reside, of course just for today.
Today was satisfying, full and sometimes sad. A full range of feelings came up for me. The gift of the program allows a full range of feelings to arise and then I might be able to identify them.

As the day began I heard a small voice whimpering,"I thought I would be cured by now. It is not going to happen this time around."
Yes I wanted the pill to make my life full of daisies and Doris Day movie tunes.
What has taken me down to the depths of who I am is teaching me lessons that would not be examined otherwise.
I do have an incredible life today.

One topic we covered today was Equanimity. It is one of the most sublime emotions of Buddhist practice. It is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love. While some may think of equanimity as dry neutrality or cool aloofness, mature equanimity produces a radiance and warmth of being. The Buddha described a mind filled with equanimity as “abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and without ill-will.”

The English word “equanimity” translates two separate Pali words used by the Buddha. Each represents a different aspect of equanimity.

The most common Pali word translated as “equanimity” is upekkha, meaning “to look over.” It refers to the equanimity that arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see. When well-developed, such power gives rise to a great sense of peace.

Friday, September 16, 2011


Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic.

Speaking with my brother today on the phone filled me with sadness, anger and disappointment. He was in AA for over twenty years but after back surgery became addicted to scrips due to pain. He is in the disease. I can not cure him. HP is watching over him and I am not God.

Tonight I will practice compassion. I will extend love and kindness first to myself and then offer it out to others.

One day at a time

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Saturday, September 10, 2011

It seems to be fine

I am enjoying tangents radio tonight. Ole Dore Stein draws me into his world with music from around the world. I listen to Ravi Shankar Indian tunes such dreamy night music.
Feelings come up melancholy, happy, satisfied, sad, they float in and the float out of my mind. Getting to know myself more as I work my program gives me gifts.
Sitting without wanting to be somewhere else is one luxurious Alanon gift.
Anywhere was better than where I was at in the past. Meditation, sitting with me is
healing, It's all fine and dandy right here.
There are the crazy girls ready to dive into the pool of anxiety but not tonight.

My neighbors dog is barking outside it echoes through the neighborhood.
Probably has cornered a raccoon so many out and about these days.

Just for tonight I am content
It's been a nice night

Fred Neil---

Monday, September 5, 2011


Beautiful day went swimming to spend some time in the sun. When it is foggy on the coast I hop in my car drive across the bridge and hope for better weather. Not more than fifteen minutes away usually the sun is shining.
Good thing as it has been a cool summer.
My apple tree is full of crisp fruit getting ready for a harvest in a month.
The lemon tree has not fared well due to our cooler temperatures. I notice ants are also harvesting aphids on the tree. This will require some attention they are aggressive creatures.

I drove to an Alanon meeting today not a soul in the room. The next room over housed a single fella from DA we chatted for a bit. In retrospect it might have been nice to combine the meetings for an hour and share our experience strength and hope.
We both left the church I walked back to my car.

This Wednesday is my weekly AA Buddhist meeting with my sponsor. It has been nice meeting with her once a month studying both Buddhist literature along with AA.
She is teaching a happiness class which I hope to be a part of.
My home group meets on the same night as the class. Unfortunately for me as I enjoy my group but I also like to take the class. To top it all off my favorite recovery Buddhists teachers have been quarreling with each other for over six months. They have been the best of friends for over thirty years, now they pass in silence to each other in the halls.
They live two doors down from one another at the Center.
The monk wants nothing to do anymore with his dear old friend.
It saddens me to watch the disintegration. Is this what the program means?
In some ways this is where they are in their recovery I get to keep the focus off their quarrel. They obviously have an HP..But what the fuck happened to them?
Both are wonderful people who cant get along. It is like a divorce.
Nothing remains the same maybe one day it will shift.

It has helped me to read recovery literature. These days I prop up at night with Loving Kindness by Sharon Salzberg.
The difference between misery and happiness depends on what we do with our attention.
Do we in the midst of water look for something elsewhere to drink? Transformation comes from looking deeply within.

The pit in my stomach reoccurred this weekend, old feelings came into play.
It was different though the self hatred has softened. The fella is still running the race but the rules are changing. Learning to have patience with this part of who I am.

Tonight I read this quote send it out into the blogger world in cyberland

I teach one thing and only one: that is, suffering and the end of suffering.
the Buddha