Friday, June 29, 2012

Showing Up

The jury is finished tonight we watched over 200 films in a month.Whoa took alot out of me this year
some difficult situations and having them in my home to deal with. Despite the problems it was an incredible trip to take with the filmmakers and their vision.

I got the opportunity to practice my program by not engaging negatively with one of my jury. I tried to retain my integrity through it all. Dont know how I accomplished so much in the past without my program.
Grateful to be able to show up in my life in a positive manner...despite the downfalls.

  1. Right after I open my eyes, and before getting out of bed in the morning, I state my intention to be mindful for the day. I appreciate my intention.
  2. Right after I turn off the light at night, I do 30 seconds of loving kindness practice, wishing myself and other beings well. I appreciate myself for remembering to practice.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Let Go

Jurying a film festival takes time we have watched over 180 films. Yes it is exciting but I notice that my 
attitude is slipping a little. We meet four days a week at my home. I enjoy having a group over to be a part of the process. But I have one individual who is a difficult person. The rules state there is no texting but she continues to text after I have asked her not to. 
How to deal with this situation?
Let go a little bit of the problem and see what happens after it rests.
I reach out and discuss the problem with the other members

Monday, June 18, 2012

How to deal with suffering

Tonight I sat in meditation counting from one to ten. Then it began all over again. My mind wondered to events, places to go, problems that might occur.
Last night I dreamt of a young friend M who smokes pot everyday but is very creative.
Her designs have made her quite successful recently.
Despite her current life she still suffers from the past. Why did she come up for me in my dream?
The Addict
The past
Interesting to note these. Suffering I too run from old feelings. Or at least I used to run more from them more with alcohol and other distractions. Staying with myself through meditation is comforting. I have tools to help nurture my soul and relieve some of it's pain.
Phillip Moffit talks of suffering

Subjective vs. Objective SufferingWeek  3

There is suffering that originates from external events and the suffering you experience because of how you process those events in your own mind. It is an objective fact that your life is filled with challenges, from illness to conflict with others to the death of loved ones. But in addition to—or more accurately, in reaction to—these objective painful experiences, you also have an internal experience. Your mind is filled with a seemingly endless stream of emotions that arise in reaction to what’s going on around you. It is this subjective type of suffering that the Buddha is primarily addressing in the First Noble Truth. As you deepen your understanding of this richer and more complex meaning of dukkha, you will find opportunities for freedom and well-being that you never even knew existed.

Sunday, June 17, 2012


Woke up to a foggy day.  H and I took a long walk to our breakfast spot. It was nice spending time with him we are both busy these days. I am jurying a film festival for a month. Walking gives me a good idea of the neighborhood who lives where, dogs, flowers ...cracks in sidewalks. Gratitude that I am in good health and can walk.

On the way home I noticed an estate sale. I like signage that is not too professional. Large squiggly letters ..
The home was filled with lovely Japanese fabrics, crotchet tools, 70's jeans and beautiful Buddhist prayer beads. I asked the seller, had the woman passed away? Oh no, the young girls responded,"She was a victim of elder financial abuse". Saddens me when I hear this my grandmother also was a victim of this abuse.
I am glad they investigate this more than they used to in the past.
The prayer beads intrigued me I purchased a lovely set with a Buddhist image triptych and pouch for a dollar.

Later in the day I went to a meditation. The talk was on mindfulness. What is mindfulness?

“Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way;
On purpose,
in the present moment, and
Kabat-Zinn, if you haven’t heard of him, is a famous teacher of mindfulness meditation and the founder of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center.

Paying attention “on purpose”

First of all, mindfulness involves paying attention “on purpose”. Mindfulness involves a conscious direction of our awareness. We sometimes (me included) talk about “mindfulness” and “awareness” as if they were interchangeable terms, but that’s not a good habit to get into. I may be aware I’m irritable, but that wouldn’t mean I was being mindful of my irritability. In order to be mindful I have to be purposefully aware of myself, not just vaguely and habitually aware. Knowing that you are eating is not the same as eating mindfully.
The 12 steps has given me a full life.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Getting hooked

Just got off the phone with a Alanon call. P was upset about not getting a business deal she was to blame.
There are cures to her problems and it is all out there she just hasn't been able to find the answer.
If only she had the right boyfriend, therapist, friend, etc etc....This seeking is is a good thing but it has caused considerable anxiety for me.
This pretty much sums up part of my disease. When they were handing out life guide books I was not given the manual.  I am glad I took her call it helped me look within by offering my experience, strength and hope.
Accepting and letting go is a giant tool for me. It is all grist for the mill learning more as I grow emotionally more secure within myself.

Tonight I also met with my Buddhist teacher. I talked of my interest in possible, not sure, maybe taking a further step in my practice. I laughed at myself and my trepidation. It's ok that is where I am at and it's not such a bad thing.Could be that trust takes time to build. I walk through it all and keep showing up.

We are reading Pema Chodrons No Time to Loose.
 discussing Shenpa.

A central theme of Pema Chödrön's teachings is the Tibetan word shenpa,[10] or how we get hooked.
Somebody says a mean word to you and then something in you tightens — that's the shenpa. Then it starts to spiral into low self-esteem, or blaming them, or anger at them, denigrating yourself. And maybe if you have strong addictions, you just go right for your addiction to cover over the bad feeling that arose when that person said that mean word to you. This is a mean word that gets you, hooks you. Another mean word may not affect you but we're talking about where it touches that sore place — that's a shenpa. Someone criticizes you — they criticize your work, they criticize your appearance, they criticize your child — and, shenpa: almost co-arising.[13