Wednesday, December 29, 2010


The New Year is ne'er upon us. What an amazing year it has been with the help of the program it contained moments of happiness, joy and a new ways to look at life.
This is freedom to me not to be imprisoned by my old way of looking at the world.

My head has been spinning the last few days as a reminder of the way I used to be before the program. But I have a choice to entertain these thoughts or to detach with love. Yes to let go and let god move in my life. Mr Sponsor Pants had a post today on "will power". This action led me down dark corridors with scary creatures. I am not sure how to " let go" always trusting the universe has a plan for me is a new action. Doing the footwork is one tool I try to remember to use when I feel paralyzed. I am used to my will power pushing me through my fear.
But I have choices when I am feel smothered with the thinking. Get up and walk along the ocean, meditate, also to feel compassion for others who suffer with the disease of Alanon. It is a progressive disease it gets worse if not examined.

Last week a new comer cried throughout her share, addicted men are her bottom.
Heroin addicts were her drug of choice and her disease is taking her down. Her entire body shook, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
She was powerless over her addiction. She could not stop. This is where Alanon saved my life it gave me back my life. No situation is hopeless with the help of Alanon. If she continues to show up for meetings and work the program her life will change. Maybe in ways she doesnt imagine but it will not remain the same.
I sympathized with her, I too am powerless and this realization moved me into the program.
After the meeting I went up to her and shared a few words of encouragement. I steered her toward literature table and the meeting list. Keep coming back I told her the program will be there for you even when you can't be there for yourself.

Even the darkest of moments can be faced with a grateful heart, if not for the crisis itself, at least for the growth it can evoke with the help of our Higher Power.
In All Our Affairs

1. HP guides me throughout the day
2. 12 steps got to work on #4
3. The ocean is waiting for a walk

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Great meeting tonight. I needed a reprieve from my thinking. There are days lately that my old thinking has crept back and taken hold of me. Tonight in particular I was feeling very alone, isolated and that life basically was bleak. Thank god I know what to do, hopped in my car and drove to a meeting. The speaker brought up caretaking at a young age. This issue seemed to stick for me I have collected a few broken friends. What I mean by broken is they need some repairs and I am just the one they run to for treatment. Of course my part is I also am looking for patients.
Well I guess this repair center mentality keeps the focus off me and makes them the sick ones.
I am well they are sick. To be honest this character defect has been surfacing quite a bit these days. Alanon is a progressive disease things do get worse. I have a program that allows me to look inside myself to learn new ways of dealing with this problem.
My friends are pretty bad off and they do need some help. Working my program is also helping them with their problems.
Learning this lesson slowly with the help of Alanon. I keep way too much about their lives in my mind. Letting go and detaching with love is my next step.
It's Ok to have compassion for others learning to love myself also in my flaws.
1. HP has a plan
2. Working the program all else follows
3. My family is just fine which makes me happy
4. Dharma gates are endless I vow to enter them

Sunday, December 26, 2010

keeping it in the moment.

Holidays. It was a pleasant Xmas day at my home despite some rough parts. This year I sunk a couple of times going down into the depths of the dark forest, despite these set backs I did the footwork to make things nice at home. I got a tree decorated it with my collection of ornaments and made a nice cosey fire several nights in a row. I invited Y's nephew a friend, my neighbor and a couple of program people. Y and I planned a wonderful dinner and cooked together without a quarrel. I dont remember having the usual feeling that I made an error in my life with my choices. This is one of my common thoughts that circled in my mind since I was a young girl. I felt my life was over at eighteen years old! I felt the weight of the world on my back at a young age. All my guests showed up and the evening didn't end with a fight. This is the program working for me. I am forever grateful for my serenity.

Some days are better than others. But I have the program to embrace me even when I cant.

My Alanon meeting on the twenty fourth was all about choices. I forget there are many ways to look at a situation and I don't have to be shaped by others emotional condition. I am free to detach and keep an attitude of gratitude.

1. Program is there for us all
2. My HP is at my side day and night
3. Keeping it in the moment

"I now try to take my problems to my HP but I leave the solutions and the time table up to Him".
As We Understood

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Holidays and meetings.
It has been a hectic week lots of parties to attend, cards to send, calls to make and my meeting schedule was mixed up in the glob. I feel tired today and have some work things to attend to
which include taping on a new camera.
To top it all off my Mother did her yearly call she went to being a victim and I resented being put into her victimizer section. I have told her over twenty years about my film projects, yet she asks me what I do for work. She doesn't listen. It makes me angry that she is absent for my life. I am not responsible for waking her up. She has an HP and I don't have to fix her.
I try to love her where she is at but it is a challenge.
This is where I turn it over to my HP.
Just for today I will keep it simple and not focus on what I don't have in my life.
HP is doing for me what I can't do myself.

Grateful for the program

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A New Freedom

Feeling content tonight. I meditated yesterday so my mind feels more at ease. When I make recovery my priority only good can flow from the effort. My life is steady with a few bumps but nothing like in the past. We will get to know a new freedom has come true for me.

The Holidays still are hard for me but I make plans and try to make phone calls. When I feel the old part start to chime in I hear it but I try not to engage with the victim. I do feel empathy toward myself but not self pity. This old role self pity causes alot of grief for me in many ways.
It was a role my mother and grandmother had down they could have gone to the stage. But I understand they were also a product of their times. Women did not have many choices in the past. Just for today I can be thankful and give credit to serenity in my life.

The unpleasent things people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it. There is much to appreciate in this life.