Saturday, October 27, 2012

Detaching again

Tonight feeling comfortable and enjoying reading blogs. Had a trigger today with a friend. One area I am working on is choosing friendships that can show up. I do understand my chooser is broken although I do love my friends despite it all. I dont want my friends to feel left out and invite them to events despite it being the wrong thing to do sometimes. One friend is bottoming out with her untreated Alanon behavior. She looks like a addicted homeless person living on the streets. Her clothing is dirty and torn and this is what she wears to work.
What happened? Sad really she doesn't have an idea of how she looks I guess. Well.. I invited her to an art event that another friend and I go to regularly. I told C it is a dress up event scared she would show up in her dirty clothes which she does quite regularly....She declined the offer to attend the event with me. Instead of feeling relieved I felt like I had been rejected. Set up for victim feelings.

 I wasn't true to my offer in some ways I made it so she would decline.
There was an attachment to how I want C to be in the world. C is where she is right now and it is not a pretty sight to watch your friend bottoming out in Alanon. She is too busy taking care of her Alcoholic boyfriend.
How do I take care of myself in this situation?
Detach with love
Remember that you are powerless over others. This is such an important thing to remember if you want to improve your relationships (or just live a positive life in general). No matter what you would like to believe, you have zero control over others. Realize this and you will free yourself from a lot of mental anguish. 

Monday, October 22, 2012

For today

1. For my perseverance
2. The buddha nature lies within all
3. That for the most part I am pretty healthy
4. Life has surprises
5. Just for today I dont have to take a drink

Friday, October 19, 2012



1. Spiritual life
2. ability to travel
3. Migraines are doing better
4. My Program
5. for the sun

Saturday, October 13, 2012


1. Hiking
2. Hiking near the ocean
3. Hiking near the ocean with good friends
4. Hiking near the ocean with good friends and warm sun
5. Nightfall and rest

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I am worthy of love

Rainy night hopped into my car for and Alanon meeting. Not many ladies showed up but the meeting gave me comfort despite the down turned mouths. I often think the meeting is  a safe place to talk of my secrets, some of these hidden places are filled with grief. They pour out in small streams using the program language, 12 steps, and tears. It is a relief to have such a space to feel safe and held.

Woke up this morning with some spin of my unworthiness. These are not new feelings they are old old places when I was a kid. Why couldn't I make everyone's life better it must be my fault. I am unworthy and I thrashed myself with deep cerebral jabs.
Today it left and I tried to detach with love.
Loving myself in my discomfort. HP has a plan.

Despite this small set back my life seems pretty good.

1. For my life
2. forgiveness for my character defects
3. working a program to the best of my ability
4. I dont have to figure it all out
5. carrot soup with ginger and a splash of cream

Tuesday, October 9, 2012


1. I can accept my life at times
2. for birds
3. for bird feeders
4. old people that still cuss we are talking 80 year olds
5. my program it has given me my life back

Monday, October 8, 2012


1. Able to forgive
2. Willingness
3. Detaching from an outcome after setting an intention
4. My new haircut
5. sense of humor

Tuesday, October 2, 2012


1. For life
2. ability to sleep well
3. can appreciate simple pleasures
4.  things change
5. my buddhist teacher L

Monday, October 1, 2012


Critical mass. I used to support this movement but this last ride was an attack on me personally that left me almost in tears. As I was crossing one part of the city a bike blocked my path which caused me to be frozen.
The group then surrounded my car screaming and pounding on my vehicle. One particular fella decided to attack me personally with horrible words. At first I got angry and shouted back but then I noticed it fed the crowd. They felt justified to rage against me, a driver.
I was able to step back and breathe thinking of what I could do to take care of myself in this situation. Taking photos of the group was my next move, and then smiling as I did this and remaining calm. They tried the old technique but realized I was not going to react and they then left for the next victim.
It was a horrible experience but I learned a valuable tool of not reacting despite what was happening.
My reaction was also a part of the experience and I could remove myself from their rage.
Tonight I will try to do Metta practice around this person who threw cruel words toward me.
This does not mean I wont follow through with turning this one man into the police. I am not sure what actions I will take next but not turning him in could do him harm also.

1. Spiritual practice
2. Ability to take care of myself in all situations
3. I dont have to do it alone
4. HP has a plan
5. Warm days near the ocean