Monday, August 31, 2009

Let Go and Let God

This was a nice weekend I took H out to dinner at a wonderful restaurant. My last job paid me in a restaurant voucher.
I tried to keep it simple between us but I want to talk about the last month and his withdrawal from the relationship.
But I know this conversation could draw us back into a silence again and this is a painful place to reside.
What can I do to take care of myself? Let go and let god
God is doing for me what I can not do for myself. I am turning it over and looking for a new way to deal with the situation.

1. HP
2. God is working in ways I don't always understand
3. Doing the footwork in the program
4. For my 12 meeting they are a wonderful group of people
5. I live in a wonderful place right near the ocean

"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unahppiness, we must learn new ways of living, new ways of relating to one another"
How Can I Help My Children?

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Right Now

It is wonderful hot day the sun is shinning! It's been a foggy summer so far and I am glad the weather has changed.
I am feeling pretty good these days things have calmed again between H and I. His brother came to visit us with his daughter and it softened the home. Still I am not sure where I fit into the disfunction of the silent days although he is verbally abusive if I engage in any way. Learning to take care of myself and own up to my part in the madness is difficult.
One day at a time. Today I am going to try and stay in the gratitude of my life.
Keep it simple and enjoy the moments.
I worked yesterday at the Zen center and had a chance to listen to the early days of buddhism in the US. It was interesting at times a little burdened by over intellectualizing. I have gotten alot of relief and insight into my life with my 12 step buddhist work.
1. HP
2. My program= got to work it to keep for it to work
3. Finished my 3rd step and want to meet with my sponsor
4. My life is pretty good
5. for right now holding some peace and serenity

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Turn it over

I have a great life! Sometimes I get caught up in what I dont have instead of the wonderful life I have created. Without the program I would have none of the serenity that I manage to put together and try not to fear loosing it all. My husbands relatives are staying with us for a few days. I came back from a vacation full of a house of people. The difficult part is taking care of myself in their wants and needs for a vacation. I loose myself in taking care of others, then I resent them for not taking care of me. Classic co and Alanon stuff. Last night I went to a meeting despite myself.
Showing up for me is a challenge sometimes I get lost in the old me.
My dream this morning was of one of my husbands relatives R who lives close to us although we never see one another. I was doing all the work but I still resented her for not being able to show up. We had been college friends and I wanted to keep the connection. What does this tell me? I abonden myself and have a sense of loss within me but with Alanon I can look at this inner part of who I am. I can take care of Dianne without abondoning me by taking care of others.
1. HP and turning it over
2. Life has a way of working things out

Sunday, August 23, 2009

This too shall pass

Came home after a few days of vacation to NY. My friend and I attended meetings almost everyday 7 am. The first meeting I felt very uncomfortable and I wasnt sure why I was feeling shut down and anxious. I couldnt wait to leave the room and wanted some protection from my friend. The next day after the meeting I knew what the feelings were of being violated came up for me, I sat through the entire meeting despite my feelings. I knew I was going to be safe and protected with the program surronding me. I spoke about some of my feelings with my friend and in some ways I was excited to recognize where my uncomfortableness came from instead of feeling isolated from the world and a freak. On the other hand alot of sadness came up due to my childhood memories that are still a part of my life as an adult. The next meeting I went to the same location and a new awareness came to me. The meeting was held in an upstairs bedroom in a brick home. As a child I grew up scared in my upstairs room many nights I would climb out my window to the protection of the roof. It was a steep roof and dangerous I could have really hurt myself, but I took the risk of falling.
This was a new revelation and one that caused me alot of pain and sadness as a child.
I dont feel the need to give details of the events that happend to me as a young girl but today I am safe and have some serenity. I am grateful for the program and my willingness to trust HP has a plan for me.
This too shall pass

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


The GSR meeting went well tonight watched the anarchy in action, there are no leaders. Really I love the fact that people get a chance to voice their feelings and opinions everyone listens and there are no leaders. If change happens I do believe it does very slowly one step at a time just like we work the program. I try not to take it all too seriously as I have in the past with all that is said. People are really trying thier best in recovery I do believe this.
A few people have dropped out of service which I find sad, as they have also stopped going to meetings altogether. The next step could be a drink for them. This is really the only requirement for AA is a desire to stop drinking. It takes some people years to accomplish not picking up a drink. For me I was lucky once I got a few meetings behind me I dont for today have to drink.
Trying not to future project is my secret to staying sober.
"No matter whether the alcoholic in my life is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now".
1. HP and acceptance
2. meditation group on Monday nights is full of alot of wisdom
3. FF miles on United
4. Grants and the arts
5. My family I am so lucky they are good people

"You grow up the day you have the first real laugh at yourself" Ethel Barrymore

Monday, August 10, 2009


I went to an out of town AA event this weekend. Due to service I am learning alot more about the program and meeting other like minded peoples, some more like minded than others. It was a large gathering of people I gave a ride to a friend of mine who encouraged me to do more service. I focused on staying on the positive and keeping it simple. I realized that large groups are hard for me it gives me anxiety to listen with lots of noise, and be present for the conversation. How do I take care of myself?
Lots of opportunities to grow even with people in the program they are trying their best in life. I take care of myself by sometimes to going to smaller settings and groupings so I can listen and learn.
It's all good as my friend Tony AA says
1. HP
2. Program and the group
3. Being Annonymous big part of the program and recovery
4. Keeping it Simple
5. My haircut still looks good without all the prepping and goop from the stylist

Thursday, August 6, 2009


Woke up feeling fine my brain wasn't running around as usual and the sun is shining. I am going for a walk along the ocean and look for my surfing Alanon friend. She and I were friends before the program and have entered recovery together. We dont talk much now but that is fine. In the past I spent hours on the phone listening to her go over details that were none of my business. This I thought was what was expected from a friend, I would get a huge resentment feeling like her hostage. I have to take responsibility for how I participated in the crazy relationship going along to feel like she needed me.
Fulfilling my sick need for abandonment. She was just being who she was.
Our relationship has changed and this is for the better I believe. It is nice having the program to label some of my feelings and experiences that used to baffle me. Shutting down as a kid left me not fully engaged in my own life, I was a passenger.
There are some days where I still feel uncomfortable and I am not sure what is happening with my feelings but this is less and less.
The program has given me so much to be grateful for.
1. HP and meditation
2. Knowledge
3. My haircut I just love it
4. Being able to Laugh at Life
5. All things change from moment to moment

"Think for yourself and let others enjoy the privilege of doing so too" Voltaire

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Step 3

Practice Step 3 Turning my will and life to the care of HP. This is a step I really need to practice and have the opportunity to
turn it over more and more. In the past I really dont know if I trusted God would be there for me. I still have problems with the The word God .
Turn my will over God will take care of me and the rest of the world.
My husband, Myself
I practice and I keep doing the footwork despite myself
1. HP
2. Health
3. Music
4. Choices I have today
5. The Program need to get to a meeting

"Faith takes practice. I will include my HP in more of my actions and descisions today. Step 3 suggests I teach myself, from this moment on, to be receptive, to open myself to help from my HP." Al-Anon Twelve Steps

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Turn it over

Woke up and began by reading blogs of other AA members. It is nice to begin the day with recovery on my mind it gives me a sense of peace knowing there are other like minded in the world. Today I have alot of work to do with my Bio this involves getting in my car driving for 40 minutes and picking up the writer to go to a cafe. The piece seems to be shaping up and boy am I glad.
I hired a friend of mine at a greatly reduced rate who has lost it all and she doesn't drink, but she smokes pot. Her husband passed away and it all came crumbling down around her. My program has to be worked around her, to not fix her. I guess this is the gift I get in all of it. She reminded me yesterday that she is giving me a great rate but she has no work so I am her job right now. A part of me felt like it could be a difficult situation working with her but I have to say it is turning out fine.
She has her HP and I have my HP. I don't have to fix her she is where she needs to be. She knows I am in the program if she wants what I have there are plenty of meetings I can guide her to in the neighborhood.
1. HP is there for the whole world
2. My program is working for me every second if I work it
3. My health is great right now for this i am grateful
4. My ablility to show up for myself
5. Friends

"My feelings are neither right nor wrong but are important by virtue of being mine" In All Our Affairs

Monday, August 3, 2009


Went to a 8 hour meditation retreat on Sunday, it was difficult but not as bad as the first. I have to say watching my mind left me with a sense of freedom. I sat and felt uncomfortable but didn't have to run, didn't have to do anything I just watched.
This is very freeing for me I am not these crazy thoughts that race through my brain. I shared after the 12 step meeting
that I have to go home to anger, well what is my part in it? I really am not sure at the moment and haven't been for a month now.
But I can still be happy joyous and free despite this difficult stage in my life. Oh yes I can one step at a time.
This is incredible for today I felt it for some reason meditation really helped me.
" I simply step back and watch my thoughts as if I were watching a play. I try to keep my attention on the present day only, leaving the past and the future alone" Courage to Change
1. HP and trusting in it's presence
2. pineapple when the stomach gets churned up helps, I read Alanon members have bad stomaches and I can testify to this
3. Warm days and the beauty each day offers
4. A car that starts up
5. My sponsee is trying so hard I am grateful I can be of service

I am also grateful for Kevin Griffin's Book One Breath at a time, it really deepened my recovery work.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

This Too shall pass

This morning has unfolded and I have to work my program alot on the weekends. My husband is home and very difficult.
He is still in his silent mode not acknowledging me, he wakes up and immediately heads for his downstairs office. It is very hurtful to live with him when my life is impacted in this way.
But I am going to have a good day and not worry about his happiness I did not cause him to be mean spirited.
My noon meeting is coming up so I am going to get ready to begin my weekend in a positive way.
"Remembering that this too shall pass can make it easier to get through a difficult day. I will be very gentle with myself during these time. Some extra loving care and attention to myself can make everything a little easier.
1. HP is ready for me at any moment
2. life has many opportunities
3. Meetings
4. Good healthy food

"I am equal to what life presents when I use the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, the slogans, lliterature, sponsorship, conventions, and most importantly meetings."
In All Our Affairs