Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Turning it over

It has been a while since my last post but I was still reading others blogs. H family was here from Canada and elsewhere staying at our home. In the past I would not take breaks from them and my job when I wasn't working was touring them around the city.
My Alanon merging would begin and their needs became more important than taking care of myself. Then my resentments would surface the the obsessions would begin. The spin would circulate and not end for days...This was insanity as it would take over my thinking and cause me to act out on this craziness. I am proud of myself the spin event began and I took myself out of the
family and got myself to a meeting and then another meeting and this continued....and my resentments were lessened
Turning it over to God is another great tool..
My sister in law is challenging at the moment with some family matters but
I am praying for her. I pray she be given the serenity love and joy that I want for myself. What is it I need to accept or change?
Off to work another lovely day here in the West
1. HP takes care of me and everyone has a HP
2. the 12 steps and in particular the willingness to work step 4
3. my work with my partner is going well
4. H bday is coming up and I am glad we are together on this planet
5. Just for today I am feeling pretty good about my life
" No one else can define our role in the unique partnership we develop with our HP" In all our affairs

Sunday, October 11, 2009


Wonderful weekend, things at my home group meeting seemed to have settled down. One particular individual wasn't at this Saturdays meeting which seemed to make things so much calmer of was I the one who was calmer? I sat through 4 business meetings in a row listening to her rally against the GSR position, and the group having to pay for my conferences. I prayed for her as I was noticing I was getting a serious resentment. But then I realized I had to change the way I was looking at the problem, she wasn't going to change. What was I learning from this situation? Eventually it is being revealed that life has many challenges in all kinds of situations even my AA program. Learning how to speak up for myself with gentleness and not getting angry to cover over my insecurity is a big lesson. Then turning it all over to God in regards to the results.
"Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
1. HP has given me alot of gifts
2. 12 steppin the day away
3. Yoga keeps my life supple
4. Nevelsons sculpture is alive and well
5. Love my job and I hate it sometimes too
"If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness we must learn new ways of living
new ways of relating to each other"
How can I help my children

Monday, October 5, 2009

Slave to Desires

It was a great meeting tonight although I get something out of every meeting. They talked about desires tonight.
You can be free from desire. When you desire or crave something and act on it, you become a slave to that desire. To become free from this desire requires nothing extra, it actually requires less. You only have to realize that desire don’t require action. When you understand this, and desire arises, you will see desire in you. You will begin to experience the sensation of desire in your body; watch it rise up in you, peak, and then pass away. Don’t get angry with yourself for having desires, they’re here now, just watch it pass by.
This is what we talked about tonight in group. To watch the mind. This I try to do in my life with the program. I had alot of thought today about the upcoming Holidays...uhm yes do i dare bring up the subject. This is when I began blogging last Christmass 08. This year I would like to make some plans to have a nicer Holiday.
Guess something good arose out of this sadness I faced. How can I take care of myself?
Do the footwork, service, 12 steps, meetings
1. HP and the plan of life he she has for everyone
2. 12 steppin my life
3. Feeling like music is a meditation loved bluegrass this weekend
4. speaking up for myself in a loving way to my friend F
5. Being able to look at my H with love
"Change your thoughts and you change your world" Norman V Peale

Thursday, October 1, 2009

The little mouse

Just got out of Thursday night Alanon meeting. A few people in the group have been very supportive of me while others haven't over the last year. I wanted people to come up and hug me and let me know it would be alright. Keep coming back. Some did welcome me while others just ignored me. That happens some people are just in their own space of sadness maybe.
But I seem to forget the loving members they really do try, I need to believe that everyone is trying the best they can. I am a fragile person in many ways looking for an opportunity to retreat into myself. But in many ways these are the beginnings of resentments they too are a way to hide. I feel like I have to figure it all out but I really don't....
I don't have to understand everything. Some things are not my business, and others will simply never make sense to me.
Sometimes just showing up for myself in life is enough. This can mean going to a meeting despite my feelings. Or I can change meetings and find new ones to attend. I have choices. This is important for me to remember.
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
1. HP is always watching over me
2. 12 steps are my tool kit
3. I sometimes go the Hardware store to buy milk
4. Sun and Beach are a good combination and it was a great day today

"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only."