Tuesday, March 23, 2010

More Meetings

Came home from the meeting still feeling sad, lonely and depressed. Why do these feelings follow me since I was a child? Turning this over to Hp is the choice I get to make at this moment. Meetings and phone calls are on my taking care of D list.

I get frozen by certain events and need to follow a path with fewer bumps. But life is going to have bumps. Pema Chodron says its these moments where I greatest growth lies. I am operating out of this experience anyway might as well acknowledge it.
These events have alot of power over me. I just want to throw the towel into the ring. The events have to do with a creative project working closely with my buis partner. I feel as if she is taking over the project over which annoys me to no end. Then I hate myself for not speaking up for my needs. Where do I speak up and where do i turn it over to HP? My anger is projected onto me by myself.

Monday I walked through the Zen Center thinking I might want to join up with the Monks. They will take care of me, everything will work out fine in the meditation rooms. But there are no fixes life has challenges.

LIfe is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail and in which failures as well as the successes point the way to fresh experiments. Just for today I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. I can learn from life and call it research. This day is all I have to work with. The past is over and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gif this day can be and make full use of it.

1. HP has plans for me
2. I just dont understand everything and this is OK
3. Planning to see Pema Chodron, May in NY , lucky me
4. Living by the beach these days is wonderful if I can take the time to look outside of myself

Sunday, March 21, 2010

In All Our Affairs

Wonderful day today but still felt out of sorts with myself. Fear it rears it's head in all kinds of situations.
Grateful I have the program to guide me when things get tough. Feelings of being inadequate bubble bubble like trouble.
The gift in all of this is I dont have to run away with my feelings through crazy behaviors instead I can go to my support groups.

Step 3 I can turn my will and my life over to the care of HP. I keep trying to run the show but it has turned into a series of bad reruns. I find it hard to trust that there is a plan to guide me in life. Surrendering seems like a death wish to me but living like I have in the past is painful.

"There are no guarantees that life will turn out the way we would like, but the program has shown me Gods will is the only way; it is up to me to work with HIm and turn my life and will over to HIs care and guidance."
In All Our Affairs

1. Hp is there for me when I cant be there for myself
2. One step at a time
3. Flounder is one hell of a delicious fish
4. Health Care reform is a good thing
5. Trust

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sure things happen

Tonight I sat at home after running around all day completing errands. I woke up early and picked up a friend to go for the farmers market extravaganza. It was full of wonderful vegetables, dates, olive oils, eggs you name we have it here. There is alot of pushing sometimes people want to get their veggies and get them now. I have to say it is fun to learn all about the fruits of California.
A bee expert and was selling Propolis which greatly intrigued me. It is known for it's healing properties.

Propolis is also believed to promote heart health, strengthen the immune system and reduce the chances of cataracts.[12] Old beekeepers[citation needed] recommend a piece of propylis kept in the mouth as a remedy for a sore throat. Propolis lozenges and tinctures can be bought in many countries. Though claims have been made for its use in treating allergies, propolis may cause severe allergic reactions if the user is sensitive to bees or bee products.

After a long day I called my husband confirming our date night outing. I was tired driving around the city all day wore me out.
He wanted to stay home so we called off our night together. This date cancelation triggers me and thoughts of feeling unsettled surface. I begin my search to take care of myself and to not feel disappointed. I spin downward with I don't know how to take care of myself. Life is on a large circus ride with me standing in an endless waiting line. Learning how to take care of my needs is still a learning process. One day at a time at a second...Turn it over to HP the universe has a plan. " The path to my true hearts desire is to surrender to the will of my HP."

I choose to stay home tonight and meet my needs by keeping it simple. I enjoy listening to a world music station that plays only on Saturday nights. Does this feeling of being unsettled have to do with control? I blame myself first feeling as if
I should have known this would happen. Writing helps me identify some of my feelings that in the past we are blur. I have alot of gratitude for the program and the recovery blogging world.

"We know that God can and will do anything that is for our ultimate good, if we are ready to receive his help." The twelve traditions.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Right thought

I feel fortunate to be at peace with moments of my life. This is a gift of the program.One day at at time my life is unfolding into days weeks months....

There are still days I don't feel too good but nothing like the past.
Driving today I realized the choices that occur throughout the day for me.
I can honk at the guy who cut me off or I can make a decision to keep it calm.
Engaging with a stranger for my peace of mind doesn't seem to make sense.
But these kind of choices occur for me many times during the day.
Changing my behavior and experimenting with my life is trying out new aspects of my who I am.

As the weekend approaches I often think there needs to be big plans for enormous events.However most of the time I prefer to be spontaneous and let the day unfold. This could be as simple as getting a tamale at a corner store from a Honduran women.

But today I felt that I should be doing something important, anything other than what I was doing. Where does this come from not being satisfied with myself?
I think it has to do with my past and being cut off from my feelings today I learn more about Dianne and what are my wants and needs. This is from having no sense of who I am and searching endlessly for the answer to pop out of the sky.

As the program works in my life I find my anxious voice is smaller.
Working step 4 has helped me recognize some past patterns and their origins. Learning to turn this over to HP helps me detach. Letting the day be settled and full is satisfying.

We are sewing a new robe for the Zen priest in our recovery program. He is celebrating 10 years of running our group with Recovery and Buddhism.
Every stitch we sew right thought is carefully focused onto the garment.
I am grateful that Alanon has given me so much more than I could have imagined.

"Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself"

Monday, March 8, 2010


My meditation retreat on Saturday went well I didn't run out of the yurt screaming at the top of my lungs...Difficult to look at my mind with an examining glass. But I do believe my recovery has benefited from regular meditation practice.
I felt very agitated through most of the day but I sat through it all despite some of the discomfort. At the end there is some clarity to my thoughts.

My mother is one of my qualifiers and thoughts of her came up in my meditation. First I felt angry underlying it all is a deep sadness. Having a mother but not having a nurturing mother is a very difficult experience. So what happens next for me
when I felt sadness in the past was self abuse through a variety of means. I am not worth it and my mother proves it.
I realize that her life is all she can do. I also realize I can feel sadness surrounding my lack of mothering experiences.
She has done some very hurtful things to me in her ignorance. I hear from her maybe 5 times a year always with a long tirade about how expensive life is and how things are getting worse in the world. Jeez it drives me nuts reading this even ...
When I was 18 and went to college there was no entry back home. I then had to parent 4 siblings guiding them in the world.

One of the gift of the program is my willingness to get some of my needs met. This is done by asking someone to sponsor me which allows me to have a more intimate relationships. Intimacy can be one of life's gifts.

1. HP is loving everyone
2. I can learn to take care of myself with the help of the program
3. Reaching out to newcomers
4. The day was beautiful full of sunshine

Monday, March 1, 2010

Keep It Simple

Wonderful day today although it is full of clouds. Really I have gratitude for my life it is a full experience.
Lately I noticed my mind is worrying again as soon as I awake. This state of being was a common state of mind for me in the past.
As time progressed in the program my obsessive thinking lessened. This weekend I received some bad news regarding our project. I began to spin with negative thinking although I am trying to turn it over to HP. Doing the footwork creates a path for my thinking to create a new way of looking at a problem. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to trust HP has a plan for me. Turn it over.

Controlling behavior has gotten me into alot of trouble. To my surprise I have no control over people, places or things. I was a victim of life's circumstances. My childhood was filled with violence, and alcoholism. The alcoholic was in control of our spinning family. What could I do as I child? Unfortunately as an adult the same childhood coping mechanisms try to run my world. Today I have choices in how I handle situations.

We can live a life with a new sense of freedom. This I can say is part of the gifts I am receiving on a daily basis.

HP has a plan for the world
I get to turn it over to HP