Friday, December 28, 2012

Self care

Came home after a meeting at a Buddhist center. I was feeling out of sorts and knew where to go for care-a meeting. Driving across town the beauty is that I knew a meeting would happen at a certain time and place whether I made it on time or not. This gives me great comfort knowing the rooms are there for me and anyone else. It has no requirements except a desire to stop drinking.

My friend N has been staying here for a few days. It's nice to have company in our home.
Friends can help fill in a place. She is in bad shape with her boyfriend as he has many girlfriends.
Stories are repeated over and over again. This repetition is exhausting. I learn self care and detachment.
Taking care means I don't have to listen to it.

Wow I am tired think it's time for sleep.
one step at a time

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

the 3 c's

Feeling calm tonight after a nice dinner at home. We invited Y nephew and a couple of friends.
I began cooking early this morning. Yesterday thinking of the dinner I noticed that things werent
sitting right. This made me think about how i was going to take care of myself. A few phone calls were made and things began to feel better. Taking care of myself sometimes me asking others to show up for a dinner by participating. I dont have to do it all.
They have a choice if this works or not for them. Of course if it doesn't work I can choose another plan
but it can not continue as in the past. She decided to show up and help  me with the dinner.
This works better for everyone. As I age and work a program the martyr just doesnt work for me. This role is a set up for resentments.
We can remain better friends with boundaries.

Y has not really been much better he seems more stable but in a horrible mood. This is where I get to practice my program. He can be in a  mood and I can have a choice in how I am going to take care of Dianne. It's not my job to make him feel better. There is a set up and I wont bite his bait called the blame game. In the past my self esteem was so low he could trigger me to act out also. It was ugly.

The 3 c's

We didn’t CAUSE it; we cannot CONTROL it;
We cannot CURE it.

Taking Care of myself is/ was and INSIDE job.
I am grateful for Alanon
The Holidays have been very nice despite everything.
Hp has a plan for me.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


Gratitude for what I have in my life. I concentrate on what is not working but I have much to be thankful for. Last night a woman came up to me and wanted money as I was pumping gas. I was upset she was asking at the wrong time with the wrong attitude…She looked drugged up and needing a fix. I wasn’t very kind to her trying to ignore the situation and get out of the station.
She walked away mentioning she just wanted  a pair of socks. I noticed she had a pair of white crews sticking out the top of her shoes.
Fortunately I went to a meeting and was able to welcome newcomers.
I hope to bring more compassion to those in need.
@Pema Chodren
In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.
In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean —you name it— to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves. In fact, one’s whole attitude toward pain can change. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, one could open one’s heart and allow oneself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify us and make us far more loving and kind.

The past couple days I have been tweaked, not as bad as in the past. Just feeling sad at others not being able to show up for me. My h is in his workaholic stage working day and night. Rude and withdrawn.
I detach with love- well try to. Today I fantasized about leaving him to pay him back for making me feel so alone. I go to meetings and share. Loving myself is difficult in these Holiday situations. 
I fear he wont show up for Xmas eve dinner at a friends home. It will not be the first time he has embarrassed me. Alanon is there to embrace me.
Tonight I will write, tomorrow I hopefully will wake up and go the Zen Center.
I am powerless and will let god work magic in my life.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Not working for me

Having compassion for myself. This simple act is difficult for me I want to be perfect.
Letting go of who I think I should be and acceptance of who I am.
Of course following an old storyline is exhausting and who wrote the script.
Tonight in mediation the talk was on many things but the focus was on sitting with yourself.
In the end trying to sit with all my feelings and not attach is freeing.
It takes time there is a restless quality to my mediation especially in the beginning.
Sitting though teaches me patience and focus. These two quality's can take anyone deeper into knowing our authentic self.

Thinking of letting my sponsor go, she is continually one hour late.
Every get together is frustrating I dont think it should be like that.
I left the meeting place last time we were to meet due to her extreme tardiness. I think it would be best
to find someone else to hold me in Alanon.
It just is not working for me.
She is not a bad person but her tardiness is troubling.