Saturday, December 31, 2011

I always feel


I’ve decided that I’m religious but not spiritual.
— Gregory Wolfe

I always feel more religious in the sunshine,
especially if it’s not hot and the place is pretty
and most people can’t afford to get there or just
don’t bother. Morning has broken and all that.
And so the rattle of rain on the tarp doesn’t really
make me count my blessings, the stray drops
beading my borrowed rain pants don’t bring
me bliss, the fact of fewer mosquitoes
than yesterday does not make my heart leap up.
But I know that one day I must learn
to give up for good on getting dry,
to love the hiss of water meeting water,
the gray lake accepting the gray rain,
so little between them, our slender place
between the great sky and the stones.
Hold tight, I tell my heart, here we go.

Good night to 2011

Things were nice tonight ...calm and serene. Detaching with love.
When I can practice this act all else follows as it's supposed to.
But I attach out of fear I suppose wanting things to be different between us.
HP has plans for me I don't have to figure it all out.

Before we left for the restaurant I had a chat with Y. What do you think we could do differently to enjoy ourselves tonight? I asked him. He threw me some bait and I didnt bite. No really lets make a plan to enjoy ourselves. He agreed eventually.. to set aside his differences for New Years. A plan was made but I knew it could change and turn as life does. Then we had the driving episode come up. Do you like to drive yourself or can we ride together? He asked that I drive slow and he would be Ok..
I drove slow.
The dinner was wonderful! It wasn't a loud place it was muffled conversations with smells of good things cooking.

The desert was a buttermilk pana cotta. Smooth and soft with subtle blended flavors.

2 tablespoons water
1 1/2 teaspoons unflavored gelatin
Nonstick vegetable oil spray

1 cup whipping cream
1 teaspoon finely grated lemon peel
1/2 cup sugar
2 cups buttermilk
2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Assorted frozen berries (such as blackberries, blueberries, and raspberries), thawed

I was present and enjoyed myself through the entire meal.

This week I prayed for him at night, I also prayed for myself during the Holidays.
Opportunities for growth is what came to mind as the evening progressed.
Life has much to offer if I can practice patience and compassion.
One day at a timer for tonight

Good night 2011 ...

This year we lost Gil Scott Heron - The Revolution Will Not Be Televised

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Unpleasant things

I had a full day today met with a friend and her two children. The museum was packed but the kids did pretty well.
Every holiday I try to make an effort to spend time with the girls. I have fond memories of events I did with my
relatives on the holidays. But there are also the horrible memories of drunken violence. This often happened during the joyful season....Oh my the past. I no longer have to dwell on it.

I jumped on the carousel after the museum. It went spinning around the girls were laughing. Watching them laugh and have fun
with simple pleasures is enjoyable. The fog rolled in later in the day chilling us back into our homes.

As the evening wore on Y came home talking of work. Most of the time at night I wont talk with him about his work. All he engages in is work till around 12 at night and then he collapses. He has started a new business which is taking time to make profits.
Being around him these days is difficult. It is like walking on broken glass entering near his world.
Tonight he began one of his rages. I wasn't able to detach and had to leave the home before things got ugly.
I am praying for myself tonight and him. His behavior forces me to work my program deeper.
This is not who I am the insults he throws at me. It's embarrassing to write this on my blog but this is where I am at in life.
back to step One....I am powerless. What choice do I have in this situation? I feel sicker than the qualifier tonight
Practice compassion for where I am.

Worrying now about New Years Eve and his antics during the Holidays. Let go let god

1. HP is there for me
2. Alanon will never abandon me
3. I have tools

The unpleasant things other people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it.
Do I allow myself to respond to the words of a sick person as if they were the ultimate truth?

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Space Santas

I was told a pink package was dropped off at my front door....and oh they are driving a white car. It was our lovely translator dropping off organic foods. She has been through so much this year with the death of her husband but still retains a positive attitude. I called her early in the morning to thank her. We met for a walk along the ocean the crab boats were out. The markers were bobbing up and down on the waters.

N took me to T's favorite place where he practiced his tai chi. She had made a small circle of pine cones in his memory.
The sun was bright the wind had a chill it was beautiful. We sat in silence I thought of T and his long eight year battle with cancer.
Life is so short.

It was a full day some of it was wonderful other parts as the day wore on were challenging. I am choosing to remember both
sides instead of focusing on what didn't work. I enjoy the night of christmas. A fire is crackling in the living room. The trees lights blink off and on as space santa ornament waves Merry Christmas to the world!

Merry Christmas everyone! One day at a time
Got to get going on the chocolate cake for tomorrow.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Do your work then step back

The sun is shining and the city is clearing out. I love the streets that were once full are now empty. Neighbors can be seen filling cars up with things to take the post or to leave town. I watch from the window as a semi loaded with drywall beeps down the street. I hope that no one close with be remodeling this Holiday. Nothing worse than hearing the bangs of hammers during days of rest.

It seems this time of year is a struggle for me. It is much calmer than before I have tools to help me get through the hard edges.
My husband is working non stop HP has a plan for him. I keep the focus on myself. Detach with love is my holiday mantra.

An Alanon friend has invited me to their home for Christmas. I will bring my flour-less chocolate cake. It is one of my favorites, dense and chocolaty. They will make prime rib. Makes me laugh these are also my Zen friends and meat is such a no no...
Rules and regulations don't work well for addicts most of the time. Grateful for my life it is whizzing by .......

Do your work, then step back.
The only path to serenity.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Oh yes Holidays

The Holiday is going smooth so far. Today I felt a sinking feeling and sadness enter into the day. I have no plans for Christmas day. Is this so bad? Well in some ways no it is just another day in the year. There are many expectations that I have attached to the Holidays. I want to be invited to friends homes and be together.
This doesn't happen too many years. Why doesn't this happen for me?
In the past I made dinners and had people over. I wanted the Holidays to change and be invited to a home, and it has some years. In the past we sometimes went to a friend's home and celebrated. The last time I went to his home he was snorting cocaine and drinking bottles of wine. This also is not how I want to spend the Holidays.
Wanting something else. This is where I also feel my Alanon issue lies in being uncomfortable with me. What can I do to take care of myself?

I have time to plan something for Y and I. He is working nonstop. This weekend was a work all weekend kind of weekend. The Holidays are when Y works the most. I would like to be with him but he cant be there for himself. I am not responsible for his happiness.
HP has a plan for him.
I am not God
I dont have to feel alone the program is always there for me.
Turning it over to Hp for right now

Saturday, December 17, 2011


Incredible day at the Z Center with a dear teacher. We sat all day from 9:30-5:00P
All day watching the brain chatter. It is such a learning tool to not attach to the
lanes it wants to take me down...lots of worry talk
I try to have compassion where I am at. My teacher mentions this frequently.
My mind starts to focus on what is not working in my life. It wants to keep the old way alive. The old part of me the worried child still waiting for a catastrophe to occur at any time. Today I have tools and choices. But for most of my life I was a reactor. Being mindful is a new freedom.

The Buddha taught that to realize enlightenment, a person must develop two qualities: wisdom and compassion. Wisdom and compassion are sometimes compared to two wings that work together to enable flying, or two eyes that work together to see deeply.

I sat with my teacher on a one to one conversation. It was frightening to have someone be so present for me. He looked deeply at me it was very uncomfortable.
I can handle distraction but to bring in someone who is willing to show up
is unusual. So grateful I walked through it all and showed up for myself.

I’ve been told—but I don’t know for sure—that you’re like me. If I could speak for you, I would say that you have a deep longing for oneness, a deep urge to return to your original face before your parents were born. Reb Anderson GGulch

This quote just about sums up the day.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Tis the Season

Wonderful meeting tonight. I sat outside the church talking to a friend about giving to organizations in particular. In Buddhism they call this dana giving without attachment.
I have been volunteering my professional services to the Z Center. At times I will ask also for donations as restaurant coupons, I accept this exchange and enjoy being at the center. A big job is coming up and I asked for a coupon for the job as I have volunteered quite a few days to the center.
Well this has stirred the pot my co worker has informed Buddhism involves dana and I should look at my motives. Well this doesn't sit right with me. They ask for monies but yet ask me to evaluate my motives. This will require some discussion. This is an opportunity for growth in my life. In the past I would have caved in but not today this is an important shift for me speaking up. Grant me the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Tis the Season but i like to investigate my feelings around this issue.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Each moment

Waking up early for a shoot one of the last before our lead character has her baby. She is still working seven days a week
only days before her child will be born. They have to work many hours as they are living on the edge.
We are working hard to bring her story to a one hour piece. This will be challenging and take time.
I do the footwork and turn the rest over to God.

As i get ready to leave for the early shoot old rock music plays in the background. I remember some of the songs but it was difficult times for me as a teenager. Today I have alot more serenity in my life. My parents were in the thicks of their disease.
My mothers lovers were circling waiting for the chance moments to be alone with her. I was stumbling through high school
grateful to have some good art teachers.

Just for today I count my breath from one to ten and sink into my body. When I am present for myself all else falls in place.
I have alot of tools today to help guide me. My attitude is also a part of my plan I have choices.
I can deal with situations that in the past used to baffle me.

1. Love my life through my connection with HP
2. To have health and a great medical program in my city
3. husband who tries his best
4. In each moment I have a choice to be present for myself
5. The season is on me and I am enjoying it!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Some days

Beautiful day here with difficult moments. Recently one of my brothers reached out to me with some kind words. I called him to chat as I crossed a long bridge over the Pacific. It was not a good call in fact it was a shame and blame dump. He is very dismissive of my career after I have spent twenty years creating some pretty good pieces. Other words were deposited over the phone and I became defensive. But in the end I did feel like I did keep some serenity. It is up to me to practice my program and decline their offers of Alcoholic thinking.

I called a friend today very upset with the conversation. She replied you must be ready to deal with some of these issues. This response actually makes sense to me. In the program everything can be treated as a spiritual lesson. I trust the universe has a plan for me. Working my program is the best gift I can give to the myself and others. I see with some clarity how I allow myself to get drawn into others problems.

I forget to mention this conversation took place after an incredible Zen Dharma talk.
The speaker spoke of the love he received from his teacher. He cried and I too cried with him they were tears of joy. I don't cry that easy but he was so present and sincere that I was moved. The center is a beauteous gift so close to my home.

Quote from Suzuki Roshi
“When you become yourself then Zen becomes Zen.”

Tonight I will pray for my brother. I pray for myself also. It would be nice to have compassion for myself and our difficult relationship at times. He was very mistreated as a child. There are choices I can make to take care of myself when he gets abusive toward me.

1. I can feel love for myself and others-
2. My peace of mind does not depend on what others think of me
3. HP has a plan for everyone
4. I can let go and relax to take care of myself

Regarding, “We should be like a boatman,” in Shobogenzo Zenki (Undivided Activity), Dogen states (Tanahashi and Brown translation):

Birth is just like riding in a boat. You raise the sails and you steer. Although you maneuver the sail and the pole, the boat gives you a ride, and without the boat you couldn’t ride. But you ride in the boat and your riding makes the boat what it is. Investigate a moment such as this. At just such a moment, there is nothing but the world of the boat. The sky, the water, and the shore are all the boat’s world, which is not the same as a world that is not the boat’s. Thus, you make birth what it is, you make birth your birth.

When you ride in a boat, your body and mind and the environs together are the undivided activity of the boat. The entire earth and the entire sky are both the undivided activity of the boat. Thus, birth is nothing but you; you are nothing but birth.