Sought through prayer

Was at an all day retreat I like to refer to it as brain cleaning. I commit and then most of the time I will show up which is one of my good characteristics. We sat in meditation for a few hours. In the past it was very difficult for me to sit with a group of people all day. It could send me into a feelings that I couldn't identify because I was shut down for so many years. Taking care of people took alot out of me including developing a wide range of feelings. I keep showing up lots can follow from this intention.

Sitting with the women today was nice. My migraine kept me from participating fully but it was better than staying at home. I took a small nap in the back and could still hear the discussion.

Taking care of myself sometimes requires me to stay at home when I don't feel well enough.

My migraines have lessened with acupuncture but still persist. Ignoring the pain doesn't make the pain go away for me as I have tried from twenty years.

Getting ready for sleep and tonight I will pray for my brother. He is suffering with an addiction. I miss him but dont know how to connect to him.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

Compassion

Compassion is the understanding or empathy for others. Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help.

Compassion is often regarded as having an emotional aspect to it, though when based on cerebral notions such as fairness, justice and interdependence, it may be considered rational in nature and its application understood as an activity based on sound judgment. There is also an aspect of compassion which regards a quantitative dimension, such that individual's compassion is often given a property of "depth," "vigour," or "passion." The etymology of "compassion" is Latin, meaning "co-suffering." More involved than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethicalterms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule often embodies by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others what you would have them do to you.^[1]

As I unfreeze my emotional state  compassion for myself and then others has appeared in my life.

Tonight it was tough at the meeting feeling very disconnected with others in the room. A woman I have known for many years talked to a man intimately about her difficult relationship with her boyfriend. I listened and started to feel angry and then sad. This woman gave me the impression in the past that she was a close friend. She would chat with me very intimately and then out of the rooms it was like the conversation never happened. I called her but rarely received a call back. These type of situations trigger me as this is something my mother would do. Promise me the world and then abandon me and act as if nothing happened. It's sick behavior really and confusing to me.

How do I take care of myself?

I try not to engage with this person keep the focus on myself. Have compassion for myself. Pray for the lady.

Keep working a program more will be revealed. 

Dharma

Came home from a wonderful Dharma talk regarding insight meditation in prisons. I was emotionally touched and wanted to bolt but I stuck with the talk. In my youth my father would bring home ex convicts to live with us. I would hear there stories of growing up poor, violence and comments of wouldn't I like to write a book about their lives? One particular man still is a big part of my memory M. He was  a very confused man a raging alcoholic but also kind and loving. I wonder how he could have benefited from a program like the Insight Prison Project. Loving Kindness goes out to M and my father who was always trying to save others at the expense of his serenity.

He is the Founding Director of the Insight Prison Project (IPP), a non-profit that since 1998 pioneers innovative in-prison rehabilitation programs and serves as a catalyst for state-wide prison reform in California. IPP teaches 18 weekly classes in San Quentin, offers trainings and is a consultant for the US State Department on rehabilitation issues. Currently, Jacques is leading a new initiative called 'Insight Out' wherein former prisoners trained by IPP act as Change Agents in the community, working with youth in Richmond and Oakland to prevent violence and incarceration.

May all beings be happy may they live in peace and harmony

Kindness

Short-story writer and MacArthur Grant Fellow George Saunders gave a speech earlier this year at the graduation ceremony for students at Syracuse University, advising them to “try to be kinder.” Here are the highlights from his speech, from a transcript Saunders sent to the New York Times:

On his regrets:

So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:

What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. 

Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly.  Reservedly.  Mildly….It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder

The more present I am for myself the better able I can respond with more kindness
Working a program showing up for this precious life

BIL

My relatives are here and it has caused a great upset in our family. I am trying to work my program and turn it over but not be a door mat.
My Y does not speak up for himself but maybe it's good he doesn't buy into their problem.
But I do believe that at times when you are being verbally abused to walk away to take care of yourself.
We are not seeing them. It makes me sad that we don't get along and I am angry at them for their rude constant behavior. What do I do to take care of myself? Go to meetings, call my sponsor, nurture myself.
Set a boundary. I will not sit and listen to my BIL when he begins his rude comments. If he begins I will leave the room or go home.
I am grateful for my recovery tonight I can still sit with some serenity despite being very upset with BIL.

Love of self

Home from a mediation meeting. It was nice to sit in a room full of silence with strangers. There is a trust that develops with mediation practice. Learning to sit with monkey mind and detach with love.
Love of self and from this arises love for others.
It is so important to do service reach out to others still suffering.
Life is suffering it is how we deal with this suffering that sets us free.