Sunday, May 31, 2009

My posts seem to reflect more on my past today I want to reflect on this day. Today. This Moment
Today I went to the MOMA museum to see Kentridge with my friend. Amazing show
full of beautiful images and strong political statments. I related to the show of
Gogols abusrd plays, the nose for instance. The absurdity of life. Laugh at life it's all just a play...
Drove to pick up my friend C it was her birthday present. So sad to see her go farther and farther downward with her boyfriend. He drinks and more stuff surronds her in the apartment. We are talking mountains of stuff along with 2 cats. The place smells horrible and she no longer invites people in.
I want or I try to accept her where she is, I repeat words such as "I don't have to fix her." This is the gift I get is to detach with love from her. But I feel like I am betraying her if I dont say anthing.
It is so damn hard for me to try and not fix someone especially C I care about her.
But I think it is best for me to work on myself first.
God grant me to serenity to accept the things I can not change and the courage to change the things I can.
" When I admit I am powerless I make room for the possibility that a Power greater than myself can do all those things that are beyond my reach. In other words I begin to learn about what is and is not, my responsiblity. As this becomes clear, I am better able to do my part, for myself and for others, and better able to ask God to do the rest." Courage to Change
Gratitude for Today
1. HP has a plan for me
2. I have a program to guide me, it will never aboden me
3. Got a chance to sing at the Center today-Let there be peace on Earth
4. Went to the museum and expereince profound work
5. Laughed with a friend
6. Ate a great meal with my husband
7. Enjoyed my garden

"We canot tell what may happen to us in the strange malady of life. But we can decide what happens in us-how we can take it, what we do with it-and that is what really counts in the end.
Joseph Fort Newton


Friday, May 29, 2009

Tired tonight I havent been to a meeting in a few days. This bothers me when I cant get to a meeting I will begin to get uncentered and feeling uneasy with myself. Yes this is it, I like meetings they ground me and let me know I am not alone. The program does for me what I can not do alone, the fellowship.
So I sat at home relaxed and read recovery info, it helps me to connect to the program.
The shoot went well today, taping kids singing along to a music jam. THey jumped and clapped and rolled on the ground. Their parents were happy also engaged with the moment. Later on in the day I went to lunch and a father played on his iphone as his son sat beside him eating a hamburger. I felt sad for this boy his father was off in another space as his lovely boy sat beside him. I glanced into his iphone watching him play solitare. What a crazy man wanted to take his phone and throw it in the tub of ketchup on a nearby stand. It is none of my buisness but it sure was a nice fantasy, thinking or the card game glub glub to the bottom of the tub.

" There are many areas of my life that I cannot change. What I can change is my attitude. Today I can accept my life as it is. I can be grateful and happy, here and now, with what I have." Courage to Change

Life holds so much so much to be happy about always. Most people ask for happiness on condition. Happiness can be felt only if you dont set conditions.
Arthur Runinstein

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Great day today working outside shooting motorcycle footage. The morning began great then a little altercation began. I stepped back and let it unfold and didn't try to fix it. The two parties got involved and I sat and listened. Never offered advice,
didn't feel bad that I couldn't solve it, and it all worked out just fine without my help. It was none of my business, I was just and observer. This is really the program working for me. In the past I would have tried to work it out and felt sad that I couldn't...guilty and sad
Amazing I even can say that I have feelings because I had shut them down so far inside they had drowned. Drowned in anxiety attacks.
But today I did have feelings and they didn't have to be involved in a problem instead I could take care of myself.
The motorcycles raced by and I stayed in the moment taping the event. It was a great day, the hills were green from rains.
"I was convinced that I had to take care of everything and everybody- I had no choice. But with the help of Alanon I have learned that, while I do have responsibilities there are also many things I do not have to do:" Courage to Change
1. HP was with me all day and night, night and day
2. The Alanon program is always there for me
3. My husband and I had some nice moments together
4. The videotaping went great the footage looks fantastic
5. Nice to get out of town the fog has been thick lately
6. Fun to laugh about the craziness of life

Nothing can bring you peace but Yourself

Monday, May 25, 2009

Ego Centered

Ego-centered people don't love themselves. They become ego-centered to overcompensate for the fact that they don't love themselves.

Ego does nothing for anyone else without expecting something in return. Ego-centered people are constantly striving for the next achievement or the next pay-off so they can feel self-important. The reality is that they are not "self" important.

Ego-centered people may actually dislike themselves and are very busy being ego-centered in order to hide their true feelings of self-hatred.

I read this post today and it really hit home. Still letting my crazy thinking run me for the past few days. But I dont have to attach to the feelings, I can detach these are only thoughts. My obsession was triggered today by someone in the program a friend talking to me about how good looking she is, how her relationship is so wonderful, how she doesnt have any problems anymore, it disgusted me to listen to her. I have to learn how to let go and let god take care of her. I find it really difficult to listen to her just like listening to my Mom. Not feeling like I can say anything it might hurt their feelings, betraying my inner life. It is good to just let go and let god. What does this mean to me? I would like to look at this more
Learning how to express myself and let go with love. Love.
I am trying to use my mind to figure it out, dangerous place the mind.

1.Hp has a plan for me I can let go and let god
2. Trusting in the Program
3. lauging today at life it is absurd and crazy thank god
4. shopping for family coming in a week
5. videotaping a bike carny golf course to be
6. Loving the sun it broke through in a sliver
"Once we learned to see our situation as it really was, we understood why it was neccescary for us to turn to a Power greater than ourselves"
Alanons Twelve steps and twelve traditions

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Have courage for the great sorrows of life and patience for the small ones; and when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, go to sleep in peace. God is awake
Victor Hugo

This was a nice weekend easy my mind still twirled had a spiral from Friday. My meeting was hard for me I felt insecure out of sorts wanted to control. I really had no idea that I operated from a place of such low self esteem. Geez makes me laugh at myself
I listened to a meeting last week and the entire room save for a couple of people talked about some sadness in their lives. I do believe being raised in a drinking home leaves you shattered with some sadness. A deep well of feelings that I had shut off. I had and still have anxiety attacks. It is a dark deep well some days I can drink in it and not drown in it. But then there are other days.
Yes it could be a human condition, also as they say in Buddhism life is suffering. It is how we deal with this suffering that
is a choice. What a relief I feel watching these words on a page. Relief I have a choice. Lovely
My life is good
My life is confusing and sad some days
My life
So glad to have this life
HP has been with me always
All the answers lie within and have always been with me
I ate a great lunch with some wonderful chats
My husband and I laughed together
I accepted myself today with not alot of judgements
That the sun was only one hours drive away
Great music is playing on the radio

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Scrubbing bubbles

Had a wonderful day today really just peaceful cleaning. Omm Shanti Omm scrubbing bubbles
But I enjoyed scrubbing, using the jet stream water hose, organic orange cleaners shooting away grime. This was all done with my husband he never works with me or rarely. It was hard on me that he didnt want to help most of the time. When we did help one another we argued the entire time. With the help of Alanon this has changed slowly very slowly.
The sun was out it was a fantastic day in SF land, cool with hot air. These are the days that I fell in love with the city when I moved here from Chi town. I felt like I had come back to myself here, and got recovery here, and fell here, and one day at a time came back into the program. I am just so damn grateful that I got to show up for my life and have the courage strength and hope to work a program.
1. HP has a plan for me if I can stay out of the way
2. The program guides me I can trust in the process
3. Heard a great share this Saturday shook up the rooms
4. Have wonderful friends
5. Love my husband today I have no regrets with him
6. I do like organic cleaning products slowly I have weaned off chemicals and feel healthier without it.

"Human beings by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of thier lives" William James

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Let Go Let God

This is my first time writing in the morning, my head is usually spinning as soon as I wake up. My thoughts take me to problems
and the game begins. The charges have taken me on this journey since I was a kid. This is how it went and goes for me.
What can I do to change this pattern...I went to a soul train site to laugh that is right to laugh. I am usually involved in deep dark I am no good kind of good thoughts. And I then opened up courage to change which I love..
"My Imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from god as my success and my talents, and I lay them both at this feet."
Mahtma Ghandi
Lovely acceptance of me for where I am at instead of beating myself over the head about where I should be, say, have, or what I lost...those are a few of the negative trainings I spin. Since I was a kid this is where I went....
1. That I have HP and it guides me and loves me no matter what
2. the program will never let me down it will embrace me
3. My marriage has blossomed lately it's not where I would like it to be but that is part of the disease.
4. I have a great life and today I hope to be able to embrace it and not spin in the dark thoughts I can watch them and not attach

Today I will try not to condemn parts of myself while accepting other parts. I am a composite, and I love myself best when I embarce all that I am. Courage to Change

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

Today is mothers day, I called my mother on Friday to wish her a good day.
She answered the phone, sounding happy to hear from me. I tried not to engage in her troubles too much. I practiced acceptance, and detachment as best I can.
Traveling down the freeway going 60 mph on a cell phone all these images streaming past me is like a potrait of our life. Today I wish her peace and serenity I know she has done the best with the tools in her life.
It has been a very neglected relationship between my mother and I but tonight I want to focus on the positive.
She really pushed us to go to college and for that I am grateful.
This educaction has given me the ability to look at life in a curious way,
and gave me a chance to find AA and Alanon. I turn all this life over to my HP
"I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation in order to get on with my day. Today I have choices."
"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious and animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Sunday, May 3, 2009


"If you are not happy, act the happy man. Happiness will come later. So also with faith. If you are in despair, act as though you believe. Faith will come afterwards"
Isaac Bashevis Singer
Reading this really said alot to me, act as if, I hear this in the meetings. At first this really iriated me learning to fake it, I was trying to find myself damn it. And yes I am still trying to find myself this sometimes can mean just showing up for D. D is me and I am learning to live my life one day at a time. Writing this leaves me with disgust and happiness. There seems to be alot about me these days
and I hope I am not too self absorbed. Faith it will all work in the footwork. Let Go Let God
I feel better 2 days after the surgery, juicing I believe has sped up my healing.
I pray all will be fine with the results of the biopsy. The Dr screwed up and didnt diagnose the second lump.
1. HP gives me only as much as I can handle
2. My Program is working for me today I recieved 2 phone calls to ask how I was doing.
3. Surgery went well and I seem to have a scar that is healing well
4. Had a delicous home cooked meal and homemade banana bread for desert
5. My work is going well we have non profit status!
6. Life has given me wonderful friends

Friday, May 1, 2009

Surgery Taking Care of Myself

Just for today I will turn it over to HP
My surgery went well today although I almost fainted. I tried to communicate with the nurses and the doctors. It really helps me to take care of myself. I am learning out to take care of myself. I did get the financial problems taken care of though.
Difficult for me I want others to help me but I choose to ask the people who cant show up for me like my mother. This is hard on me I want them to call me after surgery and show up for me, they cant. I am going to the hardware store to buy milk.
I feel rejected again like my mother does to me and has done to me my entire life.
It is a sick cycle I recreate and it hurts me still. I do want to stay out of self pity though and get on with the healing aspects of Alanon.

"It takes a firm committment to make our own well being a priority. In the past, some of us neglected to care for ourselves because we were waiting for someone else to take care of us. And some of us were so concerned with anothers persons well being that we failed to attend to our own."
"First Things First"
1. HP has a plan for me and will not let me down
2. Alanon program has givne me strength and support to examine my life
3. surgery went well for me today
4. My husband showed up for me the best he could picked me up and waited for me at the hospital
5. Took care of myself and arranged all the bills before the surgery
6. Learning more and more about my inner life it is freeing
7. Enjoy my home and the cozy bed I made for us to sleep in