Thursday, January 24, 2013

Making the most out of my life

Feeling calm despite the chaos surrounding me tonight. Recently at a meeting someone mentioned her husband went out again on opiads but was calmly sitting in a meeting 6 months pregnant. I was stunned to find her in such good condition. But this brought to my attention one area of my life could be out of kilter but other areas can be working. Keep the focus on what is working instead of what is not working.
Taking care of myself can mean going to a meeting, calling my sponsor, working the steps and turning it over to HP.
There is a plan in the universe I can turn it over.

I was very upset with my family at this same meeting feeling out of sorts and well....kind of mentally ill.
Life had let me down again one more time. I felt whatever I did it was being misunderstood.
But I remembered there is also a choice here in this moment. How am I going to rest in this place?
Being a victim letting this old storyline guide me but yet again?

Going to a meeting and making phone calls my day shifted into more manageable feelings.
This too shall pass. Life is a series of events some good some not so good but in the end it is my life.
I was given a precious life and I like to make the most of it by choosing to show up and do the best I can.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Feeling more settled with my feelings tonight. Went to a meeting today which grounded me back into myself.
Being around my family I turn over my life to keep others happy and content. I have to take care of D first then from my well I can give to others.

Setting boundaries is hard for me I feel guilty taking care of myself. They are here for 3 weeks beforehand I talked to my brother letting him know this was a long time. We agreed they would stay in a hotel after a week. After our trip to Yosemite my mom and brother checked into a hotel nearby. I slept well for the first time in a week, they wake up at 3:30 A pounding around making coffee and chatting. Really 3:30 A is too early for most folks but this is what they do. I then asked them to put a coffee pot downstairs so we wouldnt hear them first thing in the morning. They didn't like this and shamed me for asking to get my needs met.
My brother will try to shame me with poor behavior, this trip I try to choose to ignore it unless it just gets to be too much. It has gotten to be too much on a couple of occasions.

But there have been good moments to remember and I will try to keep this in my memory.

Boundaries are difficult for me to keep but I truly believe they are helping me.

Detaching with love

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Oldest living things


Seems as though some of my Holiday Posts ended up where they should not have gone.
That is ok sometimes things end up where you don't want them.
Today was a migraine day partially anyway. I have not had a migraine in a couple of weeks.
This was great! I was used to having migraines 2 a week. Lots to be grateful for today.
My medication was at hand popped a pill and in one hour I could somewhat walk. A wonderful friend gave me a 10 minute neck massage it was just as if an angel came with soft wings.
Grateful for a friend such as this I hope someday to be able to extend this gesture out into the world.
Compassion for others is a practice worth keeping around.
Step 1 I am powerless over many things in my life but I still have choices.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

It has been a busy time with the Holidays, jobs and meetings. I would like to let go of what the Holidays should be and accept them for what they are. In some ways it is just too hard for me to look  inside
of feelings from the old days. H is acting up again as he usually does during Holidays. But how much do I play into this madness? Keep the focus on me and not what he is doing. I get  caught up in how much he hurts me, the victim.


Nice day,  the sky was filled with floating  long puffy clouds. I woke up drinking a nice strong cup of tea with steamed soy. Y's mom has sent a big jar of quince jam from overseas.
She is getting old and wants Y to visit her one last time. He rarely will take vacations feeling guilty he hasnt visited her often enough. I will let Y worry for himself, HP is watching him probably from one of those long puffy clouds.
My life is getting better more solid moments of serenity. I wear my tool belt at my hip ready for action.
I still want people to love and care for me the way I want to be loved and cared for.
Lately I noticed at the end of a meeting feeling needs come up. I want things to work my way.
They dont work out like I want. This is an old pattern working from childhood. Waiting for love and care.
It just didnt come...I waited
Finally I bottomed out and got to the meetings and these feelings pop up on occasion.

1. I am powerless
I want to control and get my needs met by others.
Caring for myself is not easy sometimes.
Turning it all over

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Step one

Happy New Year. I ended up in 2 meetings to help a friend just out of  monastery living and then  tonight cause I am the snack keeper.  Both meetings made me feel alive and involved in my life and with others. It is a gift that today I was smiling at the new year. This is a good thing as many times I sat in meetings feeling alot and hanging on to it all. One of my favorite sayings...feelings arent facts.
Meditation has also helped me let go of what circles in my brain.
Tonight I noticed again my irritability concerning someone in the rooms, I know this lady very well.
Finally by stepping out and watching I realize what triggers me with her. The constant
attention she seeks from men, even in the rooms. She is not as good as my mother but close..
The addiction to sex and love will trigger me every time.
Praying for her and myself to have willingness to let her be and I don't have to fix her.
Yes this is true but I dont have to be around it also.

I have watched my sponsee blossom in the past year this also makes me smile.

Life is good despite my disappointments. Glad I dont have to hang on to the negative feelings as they too can pass. On a good day they dont even rest on this page.

1.I am powerless