Friday, February 26, 2010

What others think of me is none of my business

This week has been calm. Tonight I had a meeting with several peers involving our project.
It irritated me when one man spoke to me as if I was his student. In reality I have much more experience in this field
and I felt he was patronizing. In fact the whole event annoyed me. We won an award which was a residency and were told our concept was pushed through by a couple of individuals.

The chief administrator was to give us advice although the few times we called we never heard back from her. Apparently she wasn't the one who wanted our project to win.
We kept our mouths shut hoping to gain some notoriety by the fact we acquired this residency.
A letter was drafted for our records to use as a reference.
When I left the meeting I wanted to scream, running out of the room. It hasn't been a rewarding experience for me.

On many levels I felt a certain disrespect from the administrator and the organization she works for. In the past this organization has irritated me and not much has changed. You don't go to the hardware store for milk. In other words they have been a thorn for me and continue to cause discomfort. Take what you like and leave the rest.

1. HP will be there for me no matter what happens
2. My pasta tonight was good and it cost so little
3. 12 steps are a key to my inner life
4. What others think of me is none of my business

God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how.
Henry Ward Beecher

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Attended a good meeting tonight but really felt like I needed to leave after the share.
Why? I feel anxious these days and tired. Or maybe it was her share that ruffled my feathers a little. What I remember is after 20 years she still has to work her program, is happy with the simpler things life has to offer, and there are a few disappointments in what her life is today. She thought her career would lead to fame but it did not happen as planned.
I am dealing with regrets these days or examining what is my life is about today.
I thought maybe I would have a child in my life. I did not have children there was too much going on in my life. I was luckily traveling the world and loving my career. Now I physically can't have children. Today I am having to deal with the choices that worked for me in the past but have left me questioning if I made the wrong decision.
This is my life and more will be revealed. Discovering parts of my deeper self have widened my perspective.

We are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure-- the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back.

Self knowledge is the path to personal freedom. the steps give me directions and help me to cope with anything I encounter along the way.

HP has a plan for me
12 steps and step 4
The ocean was beautiful today full of white caps
gardening was frustrating so many weeds have taken hold again
I have lemons

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Today we made a trip out of town to visit a friend who lives a few hours away.
H and I really needed a break from our everyday lives. He works non stop seven days a week. I noticed he was anxious before we left. I tried to keep myself detached from his experience. I practiced keeping the focus on myself and my feelings.

In the past we often would have arguments when we left town and H would have stayed home. I would have gone on the trip alone. We had a bad argument last night but I made amends for an error on my part. Today we didn't argue it was pleasant. Just a simple trip nothing outrageous or special. Todays journey without arguing is the program working in my life today.
The more I work Alanon, the steps and do service life seems to take on a new way.
It feel today there are moments where I am living a serene life.

"I was convinced that I had to take care of everything and everybody I had no choice.
But with the help of Alanon I have learned that while I do have responsibilities, there are also many things I do not have to do:"
HP guides us all
12 steppin with the 4th step
My life feels pretty good today
I can appreciate the small moments

"No one else can define our role in the unique partnership we develop with our HP."
In All Our Affairs

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My Part in it

Tonight I feel content it might have been the seven meetings last week that added to my serenity. This is a great town for meetings although I feel still hesitant at times to talk about my feelings. What does this all mean?
It could be that a part of me wants to hide out. This old part that kept me safe as a child but does me alot of harm as an adult.
There are lots of old D's hanging out inside not wanting to be brought to the air.

For instance one big issue for me is a friend from outside the rooms who is now in the program. There are many times when a meeting ends she rushes to get hugs from the men. In the past I would wait till she was finished with her conversation with the guys and then say good bye. We dont see one another outside the rooms as we had in the past. I am learning to take care of myself by making new friends in the program. She chats with the men and I chat with my new friends.

Recently I leave without say good bye to T. It feels uncomfortable not acknowledging her presence. It feels rude to me I don't like to discount our old friendship but i don't want to wait till she is done. I have to learn to find my way in all of this with retaining who I am. This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. There is a part of me that thought because T and I were in the program our problems would work out. It has not developed as I hoped.

My part in all this insanity was rescuing others at my expense. This old part of me wants to hang on the old D being a victim of life's injustices. I would wait till she was finished with her fix and then feel angry at her.

This is who T is at the present I have seen some remarkable recovery from her and also from myself surrounding our friendship. The sad part is now that I have detached there isn't a friendship. This care taking role I took on as a child was for my Mom. She used me as a dump for her feelings. Suffering depression as a ten year old had to do with adult problems being presented to me to solve.

Step 2 Turn it over to HP Came to believe a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity

I don't want to blame T for where she is at in her life. But I can learn to take care of myself. No body can make me feel anything without my consent. I am learning to communicate more responsibly. I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can learn to to explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.

1. HP is there and waiting
2. Turn it over
3.Driving is nice especially being out of town for a day

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Taking Care

I had to take care of myself and rest today. I wasn't feeling well. The last few days I over worked.
Sometimes I over do my day and fill it to the brim.
My business partner had a falling out with her dentist. She asked me for advice in the matter. I replied Alanon is a great program and might work for you. She smiled and I smiled.
I don't want to take care of her. This care taking could get some resentments brewing. I have enough on my plate keeping the focus on myself so it doesn't get projected out into the world.
In Alanon we don't make anyones choices for them, but we do offer advice of another kind. We suggest attending Alanon meetings, finding a sponsor and reaching out by phone.
HP is there for everyone
My sister sent a wonderful note to me
Carrot soup cures what ails you
We need rain but we are getting too much

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out"
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage