Wednesday, November 30, 2011


1. Ability to reach out and trust there is a HP
2. For my precious human life
3. My program
4. The incredible city I live in
5. My husband and his love toward me

Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were a salt rose, or topaz
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
So I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

HP has a plan

Letting Go. Today it's foggy the neighbors are putting on a new roof. I watch as the crew scrapes off years of tar leaving the wood bare. Its interesting to watch it being remade the rolls of tar paper, heat torches and new chimneys. My father taught me to appreciate the art of watching and appreciating construction. He was an engineer and would stop at many sights to watch bridges, roads and buildings be constructed. I miss him. He had tremendous struggles in his life and was not an easy man to be around when he was drinking.

My project is going along at a fast pace right now. Lots of shooting, last minute calls and cameras to be prepped. We have worked hard on this project watching near it's end and begin another phase causes some anxiety. This might have to do with control issues on my part and fear of the future. Practicing my program around these issues is key. Turning over to HP and do the footwork. Trusting the future will unfold as the universe has planned. I am not God. Let Go and Let God

1. HP has a plan
2. I cannot control others
3. My life is full
4. My new hydrangea bushes are looking healthy
5. My home is warm and cozy

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Turning it over

Cold day the ocean is reflecting back a large chunk of sun.
The relatives have left for home at 9:30A and should make it to LA by 2:30.
It was nice spending time with them.
I admire their willingness to be a part of the family.
The boy's father passed away this year from affects of a serious drug addiction.
He was a highly functioning doctor he had his choice of drugs and most days took advantage of this opportunity.
Due to visa problems the boy could not attend his fathers funeral. My father crossed the RR tracks and was killed by a train on the day I left for Eritrea.
My first documentary project going solo. It took months to plan the film as the country had been involved in an ongoing thirty year war. There was no internet at that time it was very time consuming to plan. I too could not attend my fathers funeral but his image visited me in dreams in Asmara. I found his image comforting it gave me relief to dialog with him in my unconscious life. Today I can still recall his image from those talks. He wore a tuxedo and looked so handsome. He was sober the last ten years of his life. My struggles have added to my life it all depends on the perspective I choose to take. Some of my gifts have taken me down to depths of self but this led me to Alanon, and meditation.

M is a caring person I look at him and remember the struggles I had at his age.
His mother is the martyr which also disturbs me knowing this scenario as my mother jumped on the poor me vehicle. Again I need to stay out of detailing his problems.
Keep the focus on myself. HP is there for him and will never leave his inner most self.

It has been a few days since I have been to a meeting. Looks like I need to get
myself into the rooms and receive some experience, strength and hope.

I once viewed my life as a victim and was powerless over what life dealt me.Today I know I have choices and a tool box that is with me no matter what happens.
My program has enriched my view on life, I am a wider deeper person. Turning it over the HP. Going to get ready for a brunch.

"When it gets dark enough you can see the stars" Charles Beard

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Take care

Tonight I sit with myself all guests have left. For the first time in years I had a nice Thanksgiving. We hosted the dinner relatives came from LA to join us.
They are nice kids I enjoy their company.
The girl has some anxiety issues that are pretty severe she goes into spins mostly in the morning. She jumps around arranging the day asking very detailed questions. I dont feel well today so I also began to spin with her. It was natural for me to detach which shocked me and I was able to take care of myself.

I am grateful for my program
Off to sleep

Friday, November 25, 2011

Sitting by the fire

Tonight I sit by the fire. We had a peaceful Thanksgiving. This is one of the gifts of the program and I am grateful.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Just fine

Wishing all a peace filled Holiday Season!
Had a wonderful day today despite my little disappointments.
Life is just fine this second.
Enjoyed Pema's wisdome before I joined the sleepers.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dry Drunk

Woke up to a slow steady rain, fog surrounded the hills. We need water the garden is drinking it up in gulps. Turned on the stove for the espresso pot to boil up the ethiopian drink of the day. My life was calm the committee began with it's wake up calls, I counted my breaths. I tried not to attach to the insanity that took place in my brain. This is one of my big struggles for the past year my negative self talk. Surrender to HP and trust, I also do the footwork despite myself.
And yes I try to keep a good sense of humor and laugh.
I don't have to figure it out there are tools to be used just for this purpose. The program surrounds me guiding me through the day.

I headed out to a meeting first thing to begin the day. A newcomer shared his pain of living without drugs and alchohl. He is filled with rage he mentions. As his share progressed he mentioned a sponsor is not in his plans or working the 12 steps.
I make sure to turn around to take a look at this fellow, it must be painful to run on a dry drunk.
How do I know? Well I traveled the same halls for a few years willing myself sober every day.

ANALYSIS OF DRY DRUNK BEHAVIOR The alcoholic who rationalizes their own irresponsible behavior are also likely to find fault in the attitudes and behavior of others. Although not denying their own shortcomings, they attempt to escape notice by cataloging in great detail the transgressions of others.

It's important to be patient with others and myself. I am a perfectionist and in the past would judge others at times harshly.
The more I work a program the better able I can take care of myself.

Thursday, November 17, 2011


1. My HP is there for me 24/7
2. There is a plan trust it and - surrender
3. My camera is incredible and my shoulder mount was a great price
4. Most of the time - It's not about me
5. Husband is sleeping peacefully

I can push gratitude, and within a very short time, feel as I do writing this - hugely grateful for all my blessings.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


1. For the ability to let go and trust there is a plan in the universe
2. 12 steps help to guide me through my day
3. I don't have to react to others One day at a time
4. There is a Zen Center Farm near my home and today a dharma talk
5. The tea I make is just right for the early morning

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” — Buddha

Saturday, November 12, 2011


1. Had a wonderful day despite some negative committee lingo
2. My life is pretty good
3. Love my home it is comfortable, warm and clean
4. My garden is thriving
5. Enjoyed an art show next door, very talented youngsters
Liking some cartoon art

What Was Told, That
by Jalal al-Din Rumi
translated by Coleman Barks

What was said to the rose that made it open was said
to me here in my chest.

What was told the cypress that made it strong
and straight, what was

whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made
sugarcane sweet, whatever

was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in
Turkestan that makes them

so handsome, whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush
like a human face, that is

being said to me now. I blush. Whatever put eloquence in
language, that's happening here.

The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,
chewing a piece of sugarcane,

in love with the one to whom every that belongs!

Thursday, November 10, 2011


1. There is a plan in the universe
2. For this day it is perfectly beautiful in it's day like qualities
3. I have been given a curious nature
4. my husband
5. For my new espresso pot it makes a great cup of coffee

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice." - Meister Eckhart

Wednesday, November 9, 2011


1. HP watches over all peoples including myself
2. Beautiful morning and it's warm sun
3. The program is always there for me even when I cant be there for myself
4. My living wall is growing and thriving
5. For friends love and support

A simple grateful thought turned heavenwards is the most perfect prayer.
Doris Lessing

Tuesday, November 8, 2011



1. Given this precious human body
2. That I can show up for my life by working a program
3. Can sit with my feelings in meditation
4. Mindfully respond to the moment
5. My husband is a separate being that HP watches over

“Real life isn’t always going to be perfect or go our way, but the recurring acknowledgement of what is working in our lives can help us not only to survive but surmount our difficulties.” — Sarah Ban Breathnach

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Iron Skillets

Woke up early had trouble sleeping last night. I counted my breathe to ease the anxiety. Not sure what was brewing in me but things didn't seem to mix well for a good nights sleep. The early morning brought some relief but oh then the committee started in. I reached into my bag of tools and pulled out the detach and turn it over to Hp wrench. It took some extra lovin to ease into the day.

The zen center was first on my stops. I sat near a friend who also works a 12 step program. He went into great detail about his facebook post of a potato gratin dish.
I tried to engage by bringing in my love of the iron skillet. They are an under rated
pan a treasure from the past.
Engaging in fellowship takes me out of myself. The room was full of frowning mediators sitting to try and make things right with their world.
These days I try and upturn my mouth when I meditate. Intention. Attitude of Gratitude.

The talk was on FEAR. I listened carefully but my mind was like a wild monkey thoughts came and went.
I fantasized about a work situation. Things are going well with my company but there are challenging moments. My breath brought me back into the moment. A young monk who sat in front of me was attractive, his robes looked like he might have surfed in them this morning.

This was my day time moved along I traveled through it. My life was comfortable today. This precious human life I was given had some serenity. Tonight is peaceful.
Rain pounds against the window music from the radio moves through my bedroom.

Gifts of the program turning it over to HP

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Went to an arts center for dinner tonight. It is an incredible deal with fresh food, artists, and a beautiful location. The night was warm the sky was full of stars.
I enjoyed myself it is nice to go out meet up with a good friend.
When I stay in the moment life seems to turn out fine whatever happens it works itself out.