Sunday, June 27, 2010

HP is guiding me

Today was another day of watching documentary's. It is enlightening to watch stories from around the world. It is troubling to see examples of the rising oceans and the loss of land we are experiencing.

But one particular piece from Afghanistan stuck with me for days.
Bacha Bazi young boys dressing as women to dance for men only parties. They are held as slaves and robbed of their childhood by older men.
The documentary exposes this horrendous custom that has resurfaced recently. The film jury will end this week. I have been very busy with my work. H is working overtime to catch up with my busy life.

My life is good and full of choices that I get to make throughout the day. I made it to a new meeting today. It was held in a beautiful church from 1878. The members began the meeting in London over twenty years ago. I met two newcomers and approached one women after the meeting ended. She began to cry I assured her if she kept showing up and working the program there would be a new freedom in her life. Did she have a sponsor?She did have a sponsor she replied. I thought she was doing the footwork. She might make it and I hope she does. Reaching out and helping newcomers is an important part of working my program. I decided to also make a new phone call this weekend to someone in the program. She was unable to talk but it felt good to reach out to someone else when I was in need.

My Hp is guiding me and doing for me what I cant do for myself.

1. HP always standing right beside me
2. The program is my right hand person
3. Fruit in the Bay Area is beginning to flow into farmers markets
4. Hot Springs vacations make me feel good

Friday, June 25, 2010

taking care

I had a wonderful short vacation for a few days. I camped near a stream listening all night to the sound of a water. There are no satellite towers for cell phones, computers and other paraphernalia. I believe constantly being connected adds anxiety to my life. It benefits me to disconnect and listen to silence. If I am constantly busy what am I hiding from?

I forget it's important to take breaks by going out of town away from my everyday life.
The Hot Springs has a mineral pool, a hot and cold plunge and lots of people watching.
They have meetings a couple of times a week.

Y couldn't go with me he had too much work. Y hasn't been out of town for many months but I cant convince him otherwise. Taking care of myself helps to take care of our relationship. In the past I would be upset Y couldn't enjoy his life the way I hoped he would by taking vacations. Watching Y work non stop is painful, but I can't control his behavior what I can do is take care of myself. This sometimes means taking vacations without Y.
I practice my program around this working non stop problem in our marriage.
For me it is important to have balance without feeling guilty for taking care of myself. Relaxation can be an important part of even a daily routine.
I owe it to myself to pay attention to the needs of my body mind and spirit.

Friday, June 18, 2010

taking care of ourselves

Last night I went to a past friends birthday party who ended up in Alanon with me. In the past we would talk for hours on the phone mostly with me listening. I had hopes we would travel down the road of recovery together, sharing our experience, strength and hope. HP had other plans for me. Our friendship has really died in the rooms. After meetings I would wait around to say goodbye to her often standing nearby as she chatted to others. As time progressed other things unfolded that made me realize our friendship was one way. Quite a few times I spoke with her about my feelings regarding some of her actions nothing changed.
I got to sustain the "poor me" quite a bit with T. But this experience is really an opportunity for growth. Examining one of my character defects is allowing me to expand and develop stronger self esteem. Taking care of myself is learning I don't have to take care of others to feed D.

So in the program I get a chance to show up for myself despite what I thought recovery would look like. The choice I made last night was to limit my time at her party. I didn't overextend myself by helping with her party duties. At one point she made a comment to me thanking me by helping her as I was washing my dish to take home with me. I decided there would be no dish washing or helping her clean up her party. Most of her friends left early and I was going to leave without getting a resentment toward her. I felt like I took care of myself in this situation. My HP guides me through all the labyrinths.

"What we teach ourselves with our thoughts and attitudes is up to us" In All Our Affairs

1. The Program and staying around for the miracle
2. HP has plans that I have nothing to do with
3. coffee it is time for a cup

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just for today

Yesterday I went to a new meeting. It was difficult to find the entrance but I didn't give up. Once I found the meeting room I did notice a familiar face. She was very loving toward me in the beginning taking a call on Christmas Eve.
Despite all her good qualities one of her bad character defects is her need to control the rooms. We are only human beings with mistakes and failings. Despite her bad qualities I still admire P she has done alot of work on herself.
I step back and let the room take care of itself voting when it is asked. They didn't have a speaker and asked for a volunteer. It was time for me to do service so I raised my hand.

As my share began I left my body, this happens with all my shares. The "leaving the body" experience was less than usual but still present. It has been incredibly healing to share my story despite my feelings of not being good enough, not being prepared enough, on and on...... If I keep showing up and doing the footwork more healing can occur. The present moment is perfect just where I am. For years all I could do was cry in the rooms there was a hell of a large amount of grief in my body.
Today is a day full of promise. This is one of my gifts from the program.

"Real Generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Camus

1. The Program
2. I dont have to fix it today
3. Just where I am at is fine
4. The film screenings are going well over 70 watched

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't have to understand everything

I worked late last night watching films for the festival. One of the jurors showed up late but I chose to start the film watching process on time. He had to take a film home with him to watch. It felt good to set a boundary although a part of me feels guilty.
Why do guilt feelings come up for me when I take care of myself? I guess more will be revealed in my recovery.
I don't have to understand everything.

My life is going smoothly these days. I feel some anxiety but I try to practice my program around these ongoing emotions.

1. Beautiful day to work my program
2. Keepin it simple
3. Health no migraines these days
4. my tomatoes are looking good

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As We Understand.......

Monday, June 14, 2010

I am not alone

Feeling Alone. This weekend I juried over fifty films for a documentary film festival. This process has kept me current with styles and news of what is happening around the world. It is disturbing to watch some of the stories, many people make decisions to sustain themselves that are harmful to them also. I have alot of gratitude for my situation in life. I live in a home full of food that is safe and clean.

But I also suffer from the disease of alcoholism and was raised in a home of alcoholics. During the week night we had a buddhist 12 step party. Everyone seemed so connected and happy. I watched people chat with one another, smile and laugh as I sat on a chair. I felt so alone and feelings of being left out of the group arose.
I chose to focus on a woman who is involved with the group. She is distant toward me but sometimes reaches out to connect with me. There were many people who show great warmth to me in the group. But I chose to attach my feelings to her which again sustain my victim complex. It is a great relief to realize I have this trait. My identity surrounding me as a victim, self pity is strong. This is where I reach out today. I will make a program call to someone I want to connect with but haven't made the effort. They may not have the time to call me back also. But my HP is there always to guide me and surround me when things are tough. I am not alone.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
In All Our Affairs

1. For HP
2. That I have willingness
3. Fellow bloggers in recovery
4. ethiopian coffee is excellent
5. For my safe home that I created


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Smoke fills the air

Noise. Woke up with the neighbors drilling and sawing repairing their home. It irritated me why so early in the morning?
I could talk with them and kindly point out that construction doesn't begin till 8:00A according to the city laws. I need to check on the laws.

But to be honest I believe this has more to do with my husbands smoking.
Each morning my husband lights up and the entire home is filled with smoke from his addiction.
In the past I have ignored his smoking, hoping it would just go away. Well it hasn't gone away it has continued.
Talk in the past has meant nothing to create a boundary. He won't go outside to smoke and has no air cleaning device in his office. Second hand smoke is very toxic to the passive smoker.

How do i take care of myself in this situation? What are my boundaries? I can call my sponsor and discuss my situation.
I have researched an air cleaner that does filter smoke. It would be in my best interest to buy this device and place it in my husbands office. He more than likely will not start the machine. There will be anger toward me for purchasing the device.
This is where I do the footwork and turn it over to HP I guess. I can make calls about this issue to Alanon members, work my program and call my sponsor. More will be revealed. I need to let go of doing it by myself.

"When I catch myself struggling with a problem today, I will let go of it long enough to reach out for help."

1. For Recovery
2. Health
3. Recovery Tool kit ready to assist me...
4. coffee in the morning
5. The ability to let go and trust
6. God has a plan for me

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Being Present

Beateous day full of sun and cool air from the ocean. I began the morning with some negative self talk. Practice my program by reading some literature and turning it all over to GOD. It is hard to break this record it has been years in the making.
But by taking action and using tools from the program the day unfolded moving into a nice day.
What is a nice day for me?
Being present and not living in the past nor regretting the future.
I got into my car drove to work. My business partner and I watched footage from our last shoot. It is very inspiring to be able to see what we have worked so hard on....
A news station has called us to for an interview. We have decided not to go ahead with the news story and keep our documentary
close to our vision. Revealing all our goods too soon could spoil what we have worked on for over one year! There is an urgency in her voice pushing us into her time slot for the news. I worked for a station at one point but couldn't get into the negative spin. I get caught up the spin myself.

In the past I would take whatever was handed to me without question, it might not never come again...This is old Alanon thinking for me. Being present for myself allows me to question what is also going on around me.

Things that are urgent are rarely important, and things that are important are rarely urgent. First things first.

"Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not be thrown off the track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails."
Henry David Thoreau