Taking care of business means keeping the focus on myself. I try my best to have compassion toward myself. Negative self talk is one of my character defects which haunts me like a bad circus ride.
Recently I have gone through quite a bit of loss. This is where my program gave me the ability to have compassion toward the raging alcoholic my stepfather. H was most of the time rude, angry and a racist. My mother would speak in low whispers around him as he would listen to her every word. Often times there was a feeling of uncertainty surrounding his presence, you never knew what would happen. My mother was a victim again and H was the perpetrator. This was the same story line she had with my father. I followed her lead my father was the bad guy. My relationship with my Dad was strained although at the end of his life we did get a chance to talk. He went to AA trying his best to get sober. Although at his retirement store he did sell pot...oops he tried his best. I am still learning to accept my mother in the disease. My mother does not drink, I have never seen her drunk.
It has been difficult to care for my mother in her untreated Alanon life. There has never been much care and love from her. I get sad writing this but I do know she has done the best she can. She herself was raised by two drunks who did not work a program. What can I do about my feelings toward my Mom to take care of myself?
I go to meetings on a regular basis, work the steps, have a sponsor, and do service. Reaching out to the new person is also very important. I share my experience strength and hope. I can still have a great life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. My happiness is up to me to take care of. I try to remember to work my 12th step turning it over to HP. I have learned to sit with my feelings and not react to others outbursts. Most of all there is a new freedom although small that has become a part of my life.
From Kevin Griffins book One Breathe at a Time
Turning our will over means that we now are clear about how we want to live, that we've committed ourselves to living skillfully and wisely. That doesn't mean we'll always succeed (far from it), but it does mean that we know what direction we want to be aimed, and when we lose our way we know how to get back. In the same way that when we are meditating and get lost in thought, when we realize that's happened, we come back to the breath, to our intention to be present. This shift of intention has a profound effect on the direction of our lives.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
The meeting topic tonight was on theft. There are various forms to stealing intentional acts or unintended acts. How do we work our steps around these issues. One fourth step for me using the Blue Print for Progress gave me insight into my character. When I hurt myself by stealing
the world around me also suffers. Keeping my victim self alive requires food. This means I don't have enough nor am I enough. The program gives me back my life, it allows my true self to emerge.
A beautiful story was told regarding giving to the thief...similar to La Misreable.
Generous action breaks the thief. Working with sponsees gives me insight into the building of character defects. I hear them mention how worthless they are, liars, thieves the list is endless. In all this I hear myself and the horrible self talk I practice which keeps my alanonic self alive. Generous giving to my sponsees by sitting and listening to them share thier program is rewarding. This action teaches me to also be loving toward myself one day at a time.
Suzuki Roshi said, "When we think we do not posses something, then we want to steal. But actually everything in the world belongs to us so there is no need to steal." He took his glasses as an example. "They do not belong to me or to you, or they belong to all of us. But you know about my tired old eyes so you let me use them." This attitude of just using whatever we have without identifying it as mine, or belonging to me, is helpful in loosening up the solidity or fixedness of what we think of as the self. When we treat our possessions and even our body as something we have been given temporarily to take care of and use, then we won’t have such a strong tendency to define who we are by what we have.
Posted by Di-Git at 10:28 PM
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Just arrived home from a beautiful trip up north to the Hot Springs. It is such a beautiful spot
two hours drive. There is a large swimming mineral pool, hot plunge, cold plunge and saunas. Hot water bubbling up from a volcanic source soothes the soul. I particular like to rest in the hot pool and then jump into the cold plunge and begin again.
I camp it is nice sleeping outside it relaxes and comforts me. This is not the roughing it kind of camping I bring a thin mattress with good bedding. The stars are incredible in the city they lost. A woman today mentioned it is good for the body to sleep near the earth. Sleeping with the night sounds of animals, insects and water in a stream relaxes me deeply. I feel so refreshed when I wake up in the morning.
There are no cell phone towers or computers allowed. Grateful I get to relax in such a beautiful environment. Taking care of myself means allowing vacations to be a part of my plan.
My HP is there for my partner when I am away. I am learning to trust things work out just the way they are supposed to. I can have gratitude in my life shifting the negative attitude that was my storyline it keeps the disease alive.
"The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances." Martha Washington
Posted by Di-Git at 9:44 PM
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Went to an insightful film tonight "Another Earth." I was moved by the storyline which took me deeper into concepts of personal exploration. The idea of perceptions, having to let go to become more aware, illusions, being able to look at who you are with an objective lens, these were just a few of the ideas I gathered up in a bundle. At times I feel as if I comprehend a new way of looking at the world. This knowing is brief. Building up my moments helps guide me through the trouble times.
My storyline is held together by past events that i cling to as my life. But i do know there are promises of the program, the unraveling is slow...a new freedom and happiness.
Underneath it all is a where understanding, acceptance and serenity rest.
Going to Alanon meetings allows me to deal with my disease. If I can stay present life seems to feel much better.
Suzuki-roshi says: "The world is its own magic"—
Posted by Di-Git at 12:20 AM
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Just trying to keep it simple today. Don't feel I had better attend my Alanon meeting tonight.
Taking care of myself means being mindful of how I feel physically also.
This regular Tuesaday meeting that I loved in the past is becoming a challenge for me. One particular member who has 24 years in the rooms regularly declares she has not worked a step.
Just last week she declared again that she hasn't worked a step.
Her partner does work the steps ? They are cornerstones of this one particular meeting.
I have spoken to my Sponsor about my issue with this particular person. I have not revealed her name to anyone nor will I.
I keep reminding myself, "Principals before personalities".
She is leading the group but not working a program. I count on the rooms to guide me. It is difficult to trust in some situations.
Am I attaching to this one particular situation that does not work to distance myself from the rooms? I do attend several meetings during the week.
I will sit with the discomfort and watch myself around this issue. Maybe I will find another meeting to attend. I do have choices around this problem. Keeping the focus on myself and not attaching to her problem will be a big lesson for me.I am powerless over her recovery program.
This is where I turn it over to my HP and meditate.
Let Go and Let God
Posted by Di-Git at 8:38 PM
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Wonderful hike today with friends. I stayed at home for half of the day then made a phone call to friends. They suggested a hike I decided to take care of myself I left and let Y have his time at home working. He mentioned I work with him on a project. His need to work seven days a week is not my choice on how I want to spend my Sunday. Instead I hiked a beautiful trail with friends in the mountains. I tried my best to detach with love from Y. Turning my will and my life over to the care of HP as I understand. Trying to keep the focus on me helps the whole situation. What can I do to take care of myself in the moment.
In the past I felt responsible for his workaholic choices. What had I done to cause our relationship to suffer? Everything was my fault.
Lately I again notice some anger arise toward him regarding his constant need to work. I don't have to fix him is one of my mantras. He complains constantly about his employees and his life. I get sad when I hear about his anxiety. He has a HP just as I do. I begin the vigilant watch over his behavior. He calls me a cop and it might be true. I am watching him to do something wrong so I can vent. This gives me a chance to release steam that has been built up.
The three c's
Posted by Di-Git at 11:58 PM