Wednesday, December 29, 2010


The New Year is ne'er upon us. What an amazing year it has been with the help of the program it contained moments of happiness, joy and a new ways to look at life.
This is freedom to me not to be imprisoned by my old way of looking at the world.

My head has been spinning the last few days as a reminder of the way I used to be before the program. But I have a choice to entertain these thoughts or to detach with love. Yes to let go and let god move in my life. Mr Sponsor Pants had a post today on "will power". This action led me down dark corridors with scary creatures. I am not sure how to " let go" always trusting the universe has a plan for me is a new action. Doing the footwork is one tool I try to remember to use when I feel paralyzed. I am used to my will power pushing me through my fear.
But I have choices when I am feel smothered with the thinking. Get up and walk along the ocean, meditate, also to feel compassion for others who suffer with the disease of Alanon. It is a progressive disease it gets worse if not examined.

Last week a new comer cried throughout her share, addicted men are her bottom.
Heroin addicts were her drug of choice and her disease is taking her down. Her entire body shook, tears were streaming down her cheeks.
She was powerless over her addiction. She could not stop. This is where Alanon saved my life it gave me back my life. No situation is hopeless with the help of Alanon. If she continues to show up for meetings and work the program her life will change. Maybe in ways she doesnt imagine but it will not remain the same.
I sympathized with her, I too am powerless and this realization moved me into the program.
After the meeting I went up to her and shared a few words of encouragement. I steered her toward literature table and the meeting list. Keep coming back I told her the program will be there for you even when you can't be there for yourself.

Even the darkest of moments can be faced with a grateful heart, if not for the crisis itself, at least for the growth it can evoke with the help of our Higher Power.
In All Our Affairs

1. HP guides me throughout the day
2. 12 steps got to work on #4
3. The ocean is waiting for a walk

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Great meeting tonight. I needed a reprieve from my thinking. There are days lately that my old thinking has crept back and taken hold of me. Tonight in particular I was feeling very alone, isolated and that life basically was bleak. Thank god I know what to do, hopped in my car and drove to a meeting. The speaker brought up caretaking at a young age. This issue seemed to stick for me I have collected a few broken friends. What I mean by broken is they need some repairs and I am just the one they run to for treatment. Of course my part is I also am looking for patients.
Well I guess this repair center mentality keeps the focus off me and makes them the sick ones.
I am well they are sick. To be honest this character defect has been surfacing quite a bit these days. Alanon is a progressive disease things do get worse. I have a program that allows me to look inside myself to learn new ways of dealing with this problem.
My friends are pretty bad off and they do need some help. Working my program is also helping them with their problems.
Learning this lesson slowly with the help of Alanon. I keep way too much about their lives in my mind. Letting go and detaching with love is my next step.
It's Ok to have compassion for others learning to love myself also in my flaws.
1. HP has a plan
2. Working the program all else follows
3. My family is just fine which makes me happy
4. Dharma gates are endless I vow to enter them

Sunday, December 26, 2010

keeping it in the moment.

Holidays. It was a pleasant Xmas day at my home despite some rough parts. This year I sunk a couple of times going down into the depths of the dark forest, despite these set backs I did the footwork to make things nice at home. I got a tree decorated it with my collection of ornaments and made a nice cosey fire several nights in a row. I invited Y's nephew a friend, my neighbor and a couple of program people. Y and I planned a wonderful dinner and cooked together without a quarrel. I dont remember having the usual feeling that I made an error in my life with my choices. This is one of my common thoughts that circled in my mind since I was a young girl. I felt my life was over at eighteen years old! I felt the weight of the world on my back at a young age. All my guests showed up and the evening didn't end with a fight. This is the program working for me. I am forever grateful for my serenity.

Some days are better than others. But I have the program to embrace me even when I cant.

My Alanon meeting on the twenty fourth was all about choices. I forget there are many ways to look at a situation and I don't have to be shaped by others emotional condition. I am free to detach and keep an attitude of gratitude.

1. Program is there for us all
2. My HP is at my side day and night
3. Keeping it in the moment

"I now try to take my problems to my HP but I leave the solutions and the time table up to Him".
As We Understood

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Holidays and meetings.
It has been a hectic week lots of parties to attend, cards to send, calls to make and my meeting schedule was mixed up in the glob. I feel tired today and have some work things to attend to
which include taping on a new camera.
To top it all off my Mother did her yearly call she went to being a victim and I resented being put into her victimizer section. I have told her over twenty years about my film projects, yet she asks me what I do for work. She doesn't listen. It makes me angry that she is absent for my life. I am not responsible for waking her up. She has an HP and I don't have to fix her.
I try to love her where she is at but it is a challenge.
This is where I turn it over to my HP.
Just for today I will keep it simple and not focus on what I don't have in my life.
HP is doing for me what I can't do myself.

Grateful for the program

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

A New Freedom

Feeling content tonight. I meditated yesterday so my mind feels more at ease. When I make recovery my priority only good can flow from the effort. My life is steady with a few bumps but nothing like in the past. We will get to know a new freedom has come true for me.

The Holidays still are hard for me but I make plans and try to make phone calls. When I feel the old part start to chime in I hear it but I try not to engage with the victim. I do feel empathy toward myself but not self pity. This old role self pity causes alot of grief for me in many ways.
It was a role my mother and grandmother had down they could have gone to the stage. But I understand they were also a product of their times. Women did not have many choices in the past. Just for today I can be thankful and give credit to serenity in my life.

The unpleasent things people say or do have no power to destroy my peace of mind or ruin my day unless I permit it. There is much to appreciate in this life.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shed some light

This weekend was hard but today was much better despite my cold. I tried to keep the focus on myself and let others take care of themselves. My business partner has troubles with her ex and their child. I listen and try not to give advice.

My deeply ingrained care taking just runs wild sometimes.
I noticed I will pay for things just to try and help her out. Today we went to lunch when the bill came I let her pay half. When she speaks of money issues I will pull out my wallet to make her feel better. I am not rolling in dough myself and I dont need to pay for her company.
Sharing this problem with others helps keep the issues at hand in focus.
When we bring things out into the light they lose their power over us.

For the Program, everyone is welcome
this is a spiritual program

Sunday, November 28, 2010


Today was a chilly winter day. I woke up wanting to do many things but didn't seem to be able to pull off much. My meditation was at 10 I missed it, frantically I raced to take care of myself.
Lonliness was pulling me into it's ocean I swam in the tide. This feeling of running away from the void and fear of where it will take me.

Y woke up trudging downstair and began working.
He worked till 12 each night. His behavior is difficult to deal with especially on our days off.
All day he worked it 's eleven he is at his computer doing excel spread sheets.

How do I take care of myself with his work workaholism? I am learning more what I like and how I want to spend my time. I get tangled up in the abandonment. He is a sick person. Yesterday he repeated again how he is working for both of us. His actions infuriate me I dont ask him to work all day and night he makes that choice on his own. But i still feel like he is hurting me he does not care about our relationship. I am powerless HP has a plan though I can turn it over.

I drove around until finally it dawned on me to check out a meeting. It was not a good meeting
there were a couple of nut cases in the rooms. But it took me out of the spin and grounded me.
The program helps me tremendously with my life. It was insanity that I experienced today.

Listening to buddhist talks also helps me quite the chatter in my mind. One particular monk addresses lonliness incredibly well.

The relationship with myself
One day at a time

Monday, November 22, 2010

Putting words to it all

Just reading some literature on Zen while waiting for my meeting to begin. I felt relieved when I read the negative views on literary endeavors in the practice by many. Why? I understand when I sometimes intellectualize my feelings it distances me from emotions. Over thinking can spoil a good concept being able to let it go for a while is creative flow. ALthough I do love reading and research which has helped me throughout my life.
I must understand it all and be able to convey to others what is going on for me. Yes, It is important for me to be able to share in meetings. But it is also OK for me not to be able to figure it all out.

In Alanon I like the notion we might not be able to understand it all. This feels good to me
when I want to follow the concept to the source. The trail can get dusty ridden with my good intentions. Life has many unsolved mysteries.

One stepping the second
Holidays need one second for me today
Gooble Gooble

Monday, November 15, 2010

walking through it

I feel so fortunate to have a recovery group on Mondays that meet at the Zen Center.
Each week we have a speaker and then an open meeting for discussion. There are a variety of shares from old timers to just recently got into the rooms.
Developing trust in the program has given me comfort, direction, and a sense of unity.
Even when I sometimes can't be there for myself the program will be there for me.
Dont get me wrong I still have issues at times with the program but today I keep walking though it all showing up for myself.

We are promised a new sense of freedom. When I can be present for myself in the moment I feel at peace. It feels good to have some peace in my life.
I am grateful.

An old monk in Thailand drew a picture of a happy smiling buddha on the wall of his cave and under it a most peculiar saying: Oh joy to discover there is no happiness in this world."
What could this mean? It is an acknowledgement that there is no lasting happiness, because of rhe eternal truth that nothing lasts. Only when we stop running and accept life with all it's dance of change, it's ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows, with its inherent suffering. only then can we find peace and wisdom.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

taking time

Had a busy day today. We are nearing the end of a year long documentary project and heading into the next phase of development. Working the program has allowed me to see the frution of an idea that had long simmered in my unconscious become a reality. Our interview today went well
our translator is a generous caring person. She is from North Vietnam whereas our subject is from the south. They seem to both like one another, talking for hours at a time.
We had some hard questions to ask today, this could have cause friction for us.

A word of advice when working closely with some for me is,"How important is it?"
I fret over issues involving my business partner and often feeling anxiety over something she may have said or done. But once i keep my priorities straight and look at the bigger picture it gives me relief. If I look back on this event will it really matter? Are my priorities in order.

Being an Alanon member I realize one of my character defects include the ole victim role.
They are out to get me, nothing will work out and I search for material to keep this storyline alive. I try to keep a good attitude in my life. Am I becoming the person I want to be?
This takes a concentrated effort on my part to engage in this moment.
Trying to be present for myself is a gift I give to the universe. I try to make room for what really matters in my life.

For the program I feel some peace and serenity a gift of showing up and working the program
Keeping present
Taking time to look at our beatiful sunset

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reaching out

Sitting and reading Alanon literature is enjoyable for me. I get comfort from learning more about the program, there is a choice in my life. Some days I forget that there are other choices I can make in difficult situations. Some choices I make daily are eating wholesome food, exercising, meditation and program work. I like to cook and made a great dish of mousakka.

The rages from Y are a huge challenge for me and how can I take care of myself?
I am learning to create boundaries around his verbal attacks. This challenge might be one of my big life lessons. I have reached out to another blogger dealing with verbal attacks while riding in a car. She has offered her experience strength and hope. Hiding my secret will keep me sick. I regularly share with my sponsor the verbal bantering that goes between Y and myself. Recently it has lessened but still rears it's ugly head. Despite the problems I celebrate my growth. It has been worth the wait.

Willingness to Grow
Working the steps is insightful
Things seem to be just fine despite some hard moments
Eggplant is a nightshade and some believe aggravate arthritis

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Staying present

Raning out today but it's nice to be inside all nice and warm. I don't feel well today it might have to do with working full throttle on Friday. Got out of bed feeling dizzy basically getting sick. I want to be out in the world doing something today. I don't want to stay in bed at home. But to take care of myself I need to rest. Learning to find out how to take care of myself is a full time job. In the past I often ignored my bodies messages. I lived outside my body and was in constant motion. Learning how to stay present and trust my HP is a gift I receive from Alanon.

I have traveled extensively throughout my life this I believe arose out of my childhood survival mode. This is a positive note that I created out of a bad situation. But as I age learning to be ok where I am at is sometimes challenging. I don't have to leave to create a safe situation for my life. It's interesting to look at life in a non judgmental compassionate practice. Time to rest I feel tired.

What does it mean to take care of myself?
For today it means keeping warm and resting in bed
Calling my sponsor
Reading Alanon literature.
Watching movies on netflix
Detaching from my minds spin

Monday, November 1, 2010

I am not alone

Tonight was Y's Birthday. I shopped for and made one of his favorite dishes along with
a home made cake. He seemed to really enjoy the meal. It took me hours to prepare the dinner but I tried to stay positive and present while I was cooking. In the past I rushed through tedious projects to get to the end as soon as possible. But I tried to be present for myself and keep a positive attitude.

Everything went well until the end of the meal. Y began to focus on some negative events that are goning on in his life. He blamed me for his feelings. The wonderful thing is I just sat and listened. He kept ranting and raving about how horrible this situation is in his life. My Alanon practice guided me through, I did not attach
to his fear. It seems that when we begin to have a nice time events will happen to
end a good time with a negative spin. It's sad really but in some ways it is very enlightening to come to realizations. Detaching with love. Did I do this with love?
I tried it was difficult to feel this love.

Sometimes I have to walk through all the uncomfortable feelings if I want to learn a new behavior that I feel will be a positive addition to my life. I can make a phone call and read some Alanon literature to guide me through.
Even in meditation there are moments that are extremely painful but I know somewhere down the road will be other feelings that nothing lasts forever.

Well I am tired Y's birthday seemed to turn out well despite a few moments of

Alanon is there for me
I am not alone

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Step 10

Care taking was a big part of my early training. Recently several people in my life have been going through tremendous hardships. It is very troubling for me to watch them in distress I want to rescue them and make it alright. Why? I do have compassion for them but I believe there are other underlying motives. As a young girl I was my mothers confident and caretaker. Thinking back I was a sad child burdened with too many adult problems at a young age. I surrendered my authentic self for the family. My father was a raging drunk always so unpredictable.

I write and think of why these events are drawn to me today. Through working the program I get to look at my life in a new way. Learning from experiences rather than being a victim of circumstance is freeing.

With meditation it release me to think in a clearer fashion. The two people have lost it all they call me to chat of their distress. I help them find jobs, offer them jobs and try to encourage them. But I also try to step back and watch it all from a distance as I know this situation makes me feel uncomfortable. One friend calls speaking only of her problems, I sit and listen and then offer advice. I often hang up feeling frustrated with her phone calls. To take care of myself I have not been answering the phone. What do I get out of this relationship emotionally? As they speak of in Alanon do I choose friends that fulfill my sick need for abandonment.
In some ways I do believe this could be the case. I sympathize with her but not at the expense of not taking care of me.
I also watch my actions and motives in this matter. Again I find myself wanting to change her to make he see things clearer. I need to keep the focus on myself.
Step 10 reminds me to take my own inventory
I am again the care taker. She is in need and I will be the best one to take care.
This makes me the well one and then she is the sick one. I am not GOD

There is another friend in great need in my life. God is giving me quite a few
lessons on this character defect of mine. I turn this over to HP and let the universe massage this one a little bit.

I can let D be here in this moment

HP has a plan for the world
I don't have to figure it out tonight
Life is good for me today

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Devoid of clinging, be released from bondage

Today I had the opportunity to see the Dalai Lama. 11,000 people showed up to listen to his lecture.
I took time off work to see the event. My friends were late but I took care of myself by detaching from their squabble. They were kind enough to get tickets for me for an event that I had been looking forward to attending.

The events teaching was Eight Verses for Training the Mind. He spoke for several hours on this topic. I found myself slipping in and out of sleeping mind. I am fortunate I can show up for myself and embrace some of the knowledge of this lecture today.

Number 3 topic
In all my deeds may I probe into my mind,
And as soon as mental and emotional afflictions arise----
As they endanger myself or others---
May I strongly confront and avert them.

The Dalai Lama mentioned having knowledge is the opposite of ignorance.
Which reminds me of the program having knowledge of gods will for us and the power to carry that out. Being aware is freedom. I search for peace, serenity and freedom from my afflictions.

With the program I live a more balanced and peace filled life and for this I am grateful.

Number 8 topic
And may I recognizing all things as illusion,
Devoid of clinging, be released from bondage.

For this day I lived in a few moments of presence

Monday, September 27, 2010

There by my side

It was an incredible day today the sun was sparkling on the ocean. I asked a friend to help me paint my bathroom. I paid her a good rate and helped to keep it moving. The walking up and down my stairs really wore me out. When she asked for more paint I told her it was downstairs. I let her go and get some of the supplies.

As the day progressed she made a couple of comments that disturbed me. These remarks were sexist and to top it all off she used her religion to justify her remards. I have kept silent in the past but today I had enough I told her that I didn't feel this way. I didnt feel myself leaving my body as I would in the past but kept present.
It is a form of lying if i don't speak up. I also know she is a racist but yet I try to focus on her good qualities. What can I do to show up for myself in this situation?
I am not responsible for her views but I have a choice in this matter. My choice is to think about how I will deal with being around her in the future.
This saddens me she has good qualities that are clouded over by her bad behavior.

I can turn this over to god tonight and I dont support her views.
HP is there by my side

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I am being carried across the Sky

Beautiful day today the sun is shining on the beach. I wake up many Sundays feeling frantic. What should I do to take care of myself? Walk, go to a meeting, swim, work these thoughts race through my head. I feel that I wont make the best decision for me
to take care of myself. The choice I make won't make me happy.

These feelings are a revelation before I was in the spin of anxiety. I could not see out of the pain.
The truth is I have been acting out of this "spinning" my whole life. The spin was to get out of where I was in my head because it was too painful. My childhood was the training ground with the insanity around me. Today I don't have to escape my life is pretty safe. I dont have to live in the past nor fear the future. My Alanon tool kit is full and ready at all times. My program will not abandon me.

If I can sit quietly and turn it over to HP everything will be just where it is supposed to be. Life has many choices although I might make mistakes I can change my mind and make a new choice. I believe I have a wonderful loving spirit that has been created for some purpose. The people and situations I encounter each day also bring beauty and purpose. I can begin to look at the positive in everything that I do and see.

"Sometimes I go about pitying myself And all the while I am being carried across the sky
By beautiful clouds." Ojibway Indian saying

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Went to a Speaker AA meeting tonight to listen to a new friends story.

Her share was funny but sad. She spoke openly of the insanity alchohl created in her life. One of the crazy moments I related to was her fantasy world. At thirteen years old she pretended to be French to buy wine, later for a full year she spoke with a French accent at her dorm, and then assumed various other identity's to cover up lies.

Life with my alcoholic father was embarrassing. I retreated into a fantasy world to escape the craziness, at night I left into my film dreams. Later in life I pretended to be other people to be accepted in certain situations. They couldn't like me as I am. At one time I was from Turkey and then Switzerland. I was uncomfortable with D. I hope to laugh more at this aspect of my past. Today I don't have to pretend to be anything to make it OK for me to be in my skin....I am fine as I am.

Woody Allen's,Purple Rose of Cairo pretty much summed up an this aspect of my life in a film.

Today I will have the courage to look the truth in the face, admit my errors and my achievements, appreciate my growth, and make ammends where I have done harm.

"I care about truth not for truth's sake but for my own"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Step Nine

Step Nine
We discussed this step last night in the meeting. There are a couple of people I admire who have been in the program for years and haven't done the steps. He is a Doctor and a very caring person his wife reminds me of olive oil. She openly speaks of not working the steps but takes no action to change her situation. I get angry at them they are looked at with respect but really don't work a program. What the ...
This is where I work my program around this issue and detach. I too was in the program for years and couldn't work the steps or get a sponsor. I was going to do it my way.As they say "my way" brought me alot of pain.
Step Nine " I made a list of people I had harmed and put myself at the top of the list.
Thinking of myself first was wrong I was supposed to take care of everyone else first.
I was never ready to take care of myself and wanted those around me to take care of me. this is where my resentment would also begin cause they werent taking care of me the way I wanted.

Being True to oneself is the greatest gift I can give to those around me.
1. Alanon gave my life back
2. HP has always been there I just couldn't see it

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Cant Control It

I feel disappointed tonight. J and I usually try and go out together on Saturday night. He works alot...I mean alot.
Some days I feel guilty he makes sure to let me know he is doing this for me. In the past I would take on the role of
feeling responsible for his working non stop, feeling overwhelmed, sad and angry. I realize know I Didn't cause it, I Cant Cure It and Can't Control it. I am powerless over his addiction. It's very painful to watch someone abandon themselves to work. We haven't gone out in months on a night out, he can't find the time. At this point I have to turn it over to HP. There is a plan to the universe. He has a HP to take care of him.

How can I take care of myself in this situation?
It's hard Saturday nights roll around and I wait for our night out. This usually doesn't materialize. It is Best for me that I make alternate plans to take care of myself. I went out to a movie tonight on my own. I am the only one who can make my well being my top priority. Unfortunately it was a very wicked child abuse film from Greece, Dog Tooth. Dont thing I can recommend this to anyone feeling lowdown could case a lower down feeling than before they saw the film. I left the theatre wanting to hurt him emotionally. He let me down again I heard at the back of my thoughts.

What I am looking at also is my feeling that arises from his actions which are I feel alone and victimized. These feelings have followed me through my life. In meditation and Al anon I get a chance to go into this dark forest and trim the branches.
It's hard I get stuck and feel helpless.

Slowly I am trying to give life to the part I myself that I hid from the world. I am learning to build my self esteem without hiding behind a cloak of suffering.I am trying to build moments where I can appreciate my life. I dont want to miss an opportunity by sinking into despair.

Loving-kindness is a buddhist meditation practice that systematically develops the quality of loving acceptance towards the self and others. When practiced regularly, it can help free a troubled mind from pain and confusion and make everyday relationships more meaningful, explains Kevin Griffin.

Program I have a tool chest waiting for me
Mindfulness the discipline of watching the mind is fast gaining recognition for its value in helping to free people from addictive patterns.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Getting it right

The view that is presented in the Buddhist teachings is not one of becoming a better person, or finally getting it right, but is a view based on trusting what we already have, of starting and staying where we already are. Pema Chodron

Reading this quote makes alot of sense to me. I felt that I covered myself up with many layers to survive a long winter. In some ways I feel that working the program allows me to feel again. This is good but it has brought up old feelings. This is where the steps come in and guide me to a solution. I need guidance it is hard to do it on my own. In the past it was only me that I could depend on which was my willpower. Heavy load to carry around.

I am tired tonight my schedule is haywire. The blog world helps me stay connected to recovery when I cant make a meeting.
Thanks to all my dear blog members for their wonderful posts.
One day at a time
For the program my life is full of all kinds of wonderful moments that have been built up in recovery

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Opening is difficult

It's been difficult for me to let love into my life. I noticed creating distance for me and creating barriers is my way I cope. There were many disappointments I experienced as a young girl. I withdrew into a dream life. Escape for me was how I dealt with problems. As an adult I developed an assortment of escapes to deal with the pain.
"Opening is difficult. There are pains we have worked all our lives to repress and avoid". Jack Kornfield.

Today I am grateful for my life. With Alanon I am given tools to deal with problems that in the past were unbearable. I am grateful I could show up for myself. My posts normally deal with problems but today I want to try practice gratitude. I try to balance the good and the bad in all that life brings.

the program it has given me a new lease on life

Monday, August 30, 2010

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind

Tonight in group I had a sense of unease within which follows me in meditation. The beauty though is this feeling eventually is followed by another feeling.
They come and they go..nothing remains forever. I try not to attach and watch them flow through my mind, not to get caught up in the storyline.

As i sit in meditation I use many experiences to bait me not to be present. The car driving by the center with loud rap music blaring out the window.
I try to be patient with myself and practice compassion for where I am at in the moment. My mind is like a wild monkey and I jump here and there. I hope to continue to practice meditation.

When I can be more loving toward myself my relationship improves. Last night Y made some very nasty comments. I tried very hard to detach with love. I am responsible for D. Last night I didn't have the same pull as in the past.
I am grateful for the program.
As the literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

There are many teachers surronding me more will be revealed.

The Program is there for me even when I cant be there for myself

Sunday, August 29, 2010

take care of myself

Learning boundaries is an ongoing lesson for me. When someone comes into my space I dont know how to take care of myself. I merge into what are their needs and then
oh yea the resentment monster comes out and rears it's ugly head.
This weekend an old roommate came to visit me. She stayed for 4 days in my home.
She is a filmmaker and her work was being shown in a local venue. I like her work it is experimental in approach and very insightful.
It was good to see her but she is a dependent person. I still find myself wanting to make it OK for her. She waits for people to do things for her.
I stepped back and let her take care of herself. In fact one night I made plans to go to a friends home and encouraged her go off on her own on the city's transport. This is the program working to learn to take care of myself and let others take care of themselves.

I am building a wonderful life for myself and it feels good...
sounds like a song I have heard.

Coffee especially espresso drinks

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Walls of Ego

According to Pema Chödrön, love and compassion are like the weak spots in the walls of ego. If we connect with even one moment of the good heart of bodhicitta and cherish it, our ability to open will gradually expand.

Reading this quote today reminded me how reaching out to a newcomer breaks the bondage of self. I get so wrapped up in my life
it's important to look outside. I try to welcome the new faces in the program. It was hard for me in the beginning and I try to encourage and offer my E, S and H. (like the abbreviation borrowed from Syd)

I received a call from someone in Alanon a Miss F. We connected on many levels, she is a double winner. She also works Buddhism into her practice. I might go and have a cup of tea with her sometime.

1. The program is my top priority.
2. Guests shake up my life
3. HP has a plan for me I dont have to figure it all out

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Today is a foggy day but warm. This week was full of reevaluating our doc project and going deeper into organizing.
My buiss partner challenges me sometimes. Thinking of working together again causes me to want to step back and sleep.
I relate to rumplestiltskins sleeping under a large tree. Our last grant was difficult 2 weeks of busting our ass. I do believe some things are just hard and you have to walk through them.
It is not easy gathering money for a project these days. I have received tremendous support from friends and members of my recovery meditation group. Funny I watch my mind as I type this and want to go to lack of support from my other recovery groups. But this is my disease working.

One of my sponsees called me frantic as she was walking to her alcoholic boyfriends home. She was preparing to beg him to take her back. She reached out to me but continued to act out. This was an Alanon slip. I was disturbed with her behavior, but it's her addiction. Self love for me has been a challenge also. She has a HP as I have an HP. Al Anon helps me to listen and learn.

The interchange between sponsor and sponsored is a form of communication that will nourish both of you.

HP has a plan for me
The Program works if you work it
food cart food is getting better and better

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Insanity has been defined as doing something the same way over and over again and expecting different results. Today
I have willingness to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand. It is with a fresh approach using my tools that I can live a fuller life.

This last week was difficult coming back after vacation. Why? it doesn't matter. What matters is how I deal with my opportunities for growth. I believe in the past I was guided by fear. Fear no longer serves me. Problems are how I distance myself to my feelings.

Mindfulness helps guide me. Today I try Acceptance of where I am at and Gratitude of what I have accomplished.

1. Program is there for me, it will love me until I learn to love myself.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saturday, August 14, 2010

What arises in our mind

Today was a nice day. I did several hours of gardening with a friend. Being outside in the fresh air doing physical labor is enjoyable to me. It helps me live more in the moment.
I am grateful today that I get a chance to be more present for my life. I can remember in the past it was hard for me I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Yesterday was difficult one of my character defects reared it's ugly head. I began a spin and fed it with all the delicious foods it likes to keep going. It is hard some days but with the program I have tools. Today I was able to participate in some joy. Feelings don't last forever they come and go. Meditation helps me look at my life in a new way.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

Grateful for the Program

Monday, August 9, 2010

time away

My vacation was nice it was good to get away from my life. The ocean was turquoise blue with white patches of coral glimmering through.
For the first time I snorkeled, it was incredible to watch the fish, coral sand whirl and turn.

I didn't feel well and thought of canceling my day in the sea. But I remembered to keep it simple and followed my breathe for guidance in my uncomfortable place. We sped through the water in a small boat and hit some large waves. But it turned out wonderful despite my hesitation. I took care of myself by mentioning my anxiety to the leader of the group. He was patient with me and took time to describe the trip.

At the resort there was heavy drinking and large amount of food consumed all day long. I stepped back and watched. Do we really need to eat and drink such large amounts of everything? It is disturbing to be a part of the mindless consumers. I don't want to sound like I am above the crowd because I am not above anyone. But the buckets of food poured out was incredibly sad I hope buffets become less popular one day. Hell for me would be a revolving buffet line filled with trays of food pilled ever higher kind of like Jack in the beanstalk image.

I missed the program and didn't attend any meetings. Tonight I screwed up and didn't attend my meditation meeting,,, tomorrow I hope to make my Alanon meeting.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of things when you are relaxed.

1. HP guides me
2. The sun was healing
3. Sleeping in my bed after being away was comforting

God does for me what I cannot do for myself

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I don't understand and I don't have to

Tommorrow I will be in Mexico. I am looking forward to a break from my everyday life.
My life is not boring, I feel that it's quite the opposite. I enjoy learning and creating. It has been challenging this year applying for grants. It has stretched me and at times I feel insecure, old and ready to fuck it all up...
But I guess my HP has other plans for me. I get to show up for myself. It seems odd writing this about myself but my life has gotten clearer.

I have some anxiety about this vacation and the partying that has been mentioned. I have a tool chest with Program written on it, guess I better remember to reach in and use them when things get stuck. For some reason I have suspicions this resort may have some Alanon meetings. If there are no meetings I can set some time aside to create one myself.
My old dear friend C comes also from a long line of heavy drinkers. Her sister has followed in her grandmothers footsteps and drinks daily, she was such a sad girl growing up.
I don't have to fix C's sister P has a HP to take care of her life. I can have a good time and keep my side of the road clean.
These care taking nightmares bring back old memories in the past when I made some horrible choices due to my Alanon issues. I took the blame for way more than my share. Well enough for tonight I am looking forward to 100 degree weather the fog is driving me nuts.

1. My program roots me
2. HP has plans that I don't understand and I don't have to
3. Things are just where they are supposed to be

I am grateful for my life today. Life is good and I am trying to keep it simple.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Relaxing with ourselves

It is only when we begin to relax with ourselves as we are that meditation becomes a transformative process. When we relate with ourselves without moralizing, without harshness, without deception, we finally let go of harmful patterns.
Pema Chodron

I had a nice day today. I sold my truck to a friend. This truck was a similar model I drove in Africa, just a basic ride nothing special. But it was a trusted vehicle I knew it would start and get me to where i wanted to go. Over the years I drove it less and less until it became a sculpture. Now it's being driven and my parking is free for my newer car.

The program doesnt work unless you work it kind of like my truck...
it has to be driven to keep the battery going.

1. HP has a plan for me
2. Alanon helps me with my thinking
3. this moment helps me remember it is all going to be fine
4. I'm tired ready for sleep

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


From moment to moment, we can choose how we relate to our emotions. This power of choice gives us freedom, and it would be crazy not to take advantage of it.
Pema Chodron

Tonight I left the meeting feeling sad, alone rejected. I am tired it was a long day full of work and being on top of it all. One of the women in this Alanon group is very loving and welcoming. I will not forget how she spoke to me when I called her Christmas day. She tries every hard to welcome the newcomers and I feel that.
She cares and the program nurtures her.

But as I was leaving the rooms tonight I also focused on the other woman who has never taken the time to welcome or chat to me. Why am I drawn to these feelings and experiences? It's one way that I relate to the world, my disappointments. They do have validity my feelings of rejections. Yes, she is a very distant person toward me but her actions are not who I am. I can feel many different ways toward this ongoing situatuion with her or I can learn more of who I am with these feelings.

When the teachings tell us to “make friends with our emotions,” they mean to become more attentive and get to know them better. Being ignorant about emotions only makes matters worse; feeling guilty or ashamed of them does the same. Struggling against them is equally nonproductive. The only way to dissolve their power is with our wholehearted, intelligent attention.

I am tired and feeling stressed. This upcoming grant proposal has me feeling anxious. I walk through it one step at a time with the help of my program and my HP.

1. For my Program
2. My Husband and our life together
3. HP has never left

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Buddhism and Loneliness

Happy Joyous and Free

Fourth of July I think back to it as a kid and remember my brothers making home made firecrackers. One particular bomb blew my brothers finger up and it's still crooked.
They were boys having fun blowing up a rock patch. It was sad when my brother hurt himself, he was always hurting himself. He grew up to be an alcoholic and was a member of AA for many years. He currently suffers extreme pain from back surgery. He does not attend meetings anymore but i have to remember taking care of me is all I have to think about.
I love him and trust his higher power has an incredible plan for his life.

Buddhism has added an incredible element to my life in recovery as I have blogged about in the past. Looking over my posts I notice my attention to my problems when I blog and forget to mention some of my better moments.
Problems can be my opportunity for growth and a chance to commit more deeply to my choices.
I feel some of this attention to problems has to do with having a safe place to talk about some of my inner demons, but I also think it has to do with identifying too strongly with my problems. Let go and let god. Am I clinging to life, holding on, feeling as if I have control over it all.
Nice to let in some other aspects of my life into my blog it is also important to have gratitude in my life.
Happy joyous and free. When I turn over my will and my life to a HP it all seems to work out.

Change your thoughts and you change your world. Peale

Gratitude for my life today.
I had a nice day today despite myself. At first I felt frantic and old feelings arose as they do most weekends, I am alone in the world and so misunderstood.
This I do believe is one of the trademarks I hear in the rooms. Alone. Loneliness.
In my desperation one night I Googled "loneliness" and found a wonderful Buddhist monk chatting on the subject...Looks like I am not alone.

Does this have to do with my expectations of what I want the world to be?
Looking for some person place or thing to fill me up is not going to fill up the void.

To take care of myself I drove to a farmers market and bought some beautiful fresh almonds.
Green furry skins with a crunchy almond inside. The feelings disappeared as the day progressed.

A woman author I admire wrote to experience something new at least once week. This for me keeps me alive and in the beauty life has to offer. Today I got to set my problems aside and let some wonder slide into my life.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

HP is guiding me

Today was another day of watching documentary's. It is enlightening to watch stories from around the world. It is troubling to see examples of the rising oceans and the loss of land we are experiencing.

But one particular piece from Afghanistan stuck with me for days.
Bacha Bazi young boys dressing as women to dance for men only parties. They are held as slaves and robbed of their childhood by older men.
The documentary exposes this horrendous custom that has resurfaced recently. The film jury will end this week. I have been very busy with my work. H is working overtime to catch up with my busy life.

My life is good and full of choices that I get to make throughout the day. I made it to a new meeting today. It was held in a beautiful church from 1878. The members began the meeting in London over twenty years ago. I met two newcomers and approached one women after the meeting ended. She began to cry I assured her if she kept showing up and working the program there would be a new freedom in her life. Did she have a sponsor?She did have a sponsor she replied. I thought she was doing the footwork. She might make it and I hope she does. Reaching out and helping newcomers is an important part of working my program. I decided to also make a new phone call this weekend to someone in the program. She was unable to talk but it felt good to reach out to someone else when I was in need.

My Hp is guiding me and doing for me what I cant do for myself.

1. HP always standing right beside me
2. The program is my right hand person
3. Fruit in the Bay Area is beginning to flow into farmers markets
4. Hot Springs vacations make me feel good

Friday, June 25, 2010

taking care

I had a wonderful short vacation for a few days. I camped near a stream listening all night to the sound of a water. There are no satellite towers for cell phones, computers and other paraphernalia. I believe constantly being connected adds anxiety to my life. It benefits me to disconnect and listen to silence. If I am constantly busy what am I hiding from?

I forget it's important to take breaks by going out of town away from my everyday life.
The Hot Springs has a mineral pool, a hot and cold plunge and lots of people watching.
They have meetings a couple of times a week.

Y couldn't go with me he had too much work. Y hasn't been out of town for many months but I cant convince him otherwise. Taking care of myself helps to take care of our relationship. In the past I would be upset Y couldn't enjoy his life the way I hoped he would by taking vacations. Watching Y work non stop is painful, but I can't control his behavior what I can do is take care of myself. This sometimes means taking vacations without Y.
I practice my program around this working non stop problem in our marriage.
For me it is important to have balance without feeling guilty for taking care of myself. Relaxation can be an important part of even a daily routine.
I owe it to myself to pay attention to the needs of my body mind and spirit.

Friday, June 18, 2010

taking care of ourselves

Last night I went to a past friends birthday party who ended up in Alanon with me. In the past we would talk for hours on the phone mostly with me listening. I had hopes we would travel down the road of recovery together, sharing our experience, strength and hope. HP had other plans for me. Our friendship has really died in the rooms. After meetings I would wait around to say goodbye to her often standing nearby as she chatted to others. As time progressed other things unfolded that made me realize our friendship was one way. Quite a few times I spoke with her about my feelings regarding some of her actions nothing changed.
I got to sustain the "poor me" quite a bit with T. But this experience is really an opportunity for growth. Examining one of my character defects is allowing me to expand and develop stronger self esteem. Taking care of myself is learning I don't have to take care of others to feed D.

So in the program I get a chance to show up for myself despite what I thought recovery would look like. The choice I made last night was to limit my time at her party. I didn't overextend myself by helping with her party duties. At one point she made a comment to me thanking me by helping her as I was washing my dish to take home with me. I decided there would be no dish washing or helping her clean up her party. Most of her friends left early and I was going to leave without getting a resentment toward her. I felt like I took care of myself in this situation. My HP guides me through all the labyrinths.

"What we teach ourselves with our thoughts and attitudes is up to us" In All Our Affairs

1. The Program and staying around for the miracle
2. HP has plans that I have nothing to do with
3. coffee it is time for a cup

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Just for today

Yesterday I went to a new meeting. It was difficult to find the entrance but I didn't give up. Once I found the meeting room I did notice a familiar face. She was very loving toward me in the beginning taking a call on Christmas Eve.
Despite all her good qualities one of her bad character defects is her need to control the rooms. We are only human beings with mistakes and failings. Despite her bad qualities I still admire P she has done alot of work on herself.
I step back and let the room take care of itself voting when it is asked. They didn't have a speaker and asked for a volunteer. It was time for me to do service so I raised my hand.

As my share began I left my body, this happens with all my shares. The "leaving the body" experience was less than usual but still present. It has been incredibly healing to share my story despite my feelings of not being good enough, not being prepared enough, on and on...... If I keep showing up and doing the footwork more healing can occur. The present moment is perfect just where I am. For years all I could do was cry in the rooms there was a hell of a large amount of grief in my body.
Today is a day full of promise. This is one of my gifts from the program.

"Real Generosity toward the future consists in giving all to what is present." Camus

1. The Program
2. I dont have to fix it today
3. Just where I am at is fine
4. The film screenings are going well over 70 watched

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't have to understand everything

I worked late last night watching films for the festival. One of the jurors showed up late but I chose to start the film watching process on time. He had to take a film home with him to watch. It felt good to set a boundary although a part of me feels guilty.
Why do guilt feelings come up for me when I take care of myself? I guess more will be revealed in my recovery.
I don't have to understand everything.

My life is going smoothly these days. I feel some anxiety but I try to practice my program around these ongoing emotions.

1. Beautiful day to work my program
2. Keepin it simple
3. Health no migraines these days
4. my tomatoes are looking good

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As We Understand.......

Monday, June 14, 2010

I am not alone

Feeling Alone. This weekend I juried over fifty films for a documentary film festival. This process has kept me current with styles and news of what is happening around the world. It is disturbing to watch some of the stories, many people make decisions to sustain themselves that are harmful to them also. I have alot of gratitude for my situation in life. I live in a home full of food that is safe and clean.

But I also suffer from the disease of alcoholism and was raised in a home of alcoholics. During the week night we had a buddhist 12 step party. Everyone seemed so connected and happy. I watched people chat with one another, smile and laugh as I sat on a chair. I felt so alone and feelings of being left out of the group arose.
I chose to focus on a woman who is involved with the group. She is distant toward me but sometimes reaches out to connect with me. There were many people who show great warmth to me in the group. But I chose to attach my feelings to her which again sustain my victim complex. It is a great relief to realize I have this trait. My identity surrounding me as a victim, self pity is strong. This is where I reach out today. I will make a program call to someone I want to connect with but haven't made the effort. They may not have the time to call me back also. But my HP is there always to guide me and surround me when things are tough. I am not alone.
"I am learning to treat myself as if I am valuable. I find that when I practice long enough, I begin to believe it."
In All Our Affairs

1. For HP
2. That I have willingness
3. Fellow bloggers in recovery
4. ethiopian coffee is excellent
5. For my safe home that I created


Thursday, June 3, 2010

Smoke fills the air

Noise. Woke up with the neighbors drilling and sawing repairing their home. It irritated me why so early in the morning?
I could talk with them and kindly point out that construction doesn't begin till 8:00A according to the city laws. I need to check on the laws.

But to be honest I believe this has more to do with my husbands smoking.
Each morning my husband lights up and the entire home is filled with smoke from his addiction.
In the past I have ignored his smoking, hoping it would just go away. Well it hasn't gone away it has continued.
Talk in the past has meant nothing to create a boundary. He won't go outside to smoke and has no air cleaning device in his office. Second hand smoke is very toxic to the passive smoker.

How do i take care of myself in this situation? What are my boundaries? I can call my sponsor and discuss my situation.
I have researched an air cleaner that does filter smoke. It would be in my best interest to buy this device and place it in my husbands office. He more than likely will not start the machine. There will be anger toward me for purchasing the device.
This is where I do the footwork and turn it over to HP I guess. I can make calls about this issue to Alanon members, work my program and call my sponsor. More will be revealed. I need to let go of doing it by myself.

"When I catch myself struggling with a problem today, I will let go of it long enough to reach out for help."

1. For Recovery
2. Health
3. Recovery Tool kit ready to assist me...
4. coffee in the morning
5. The ability to let go and trust
6. God has a plan for me

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Being Present

Beateous day full of sun and cool air from the ocean. I began the morning with some negative self talk. Practice my program by reading some literature and turning it all over to GOD. It is hard to break this record it has been years in the making.
But by taking action and using tools from the program the day unfolded moving into a nice day.
What is a nice day for me?
Being present and not living in the past nor regretting the future.
I got into my car drove to work. My business partner and I watched footage from our last shoot. It is very inspiring to be able to see what we have worked so hard on....
A news station has called us to for an interview. We have decided not to go ahead with the news story and keep our documentary
close to our vision. Revealing all our goods too soon could spoil what we have worked on for over one year! There is an urgency in her voice pushing us into her time slot for the news. I worked for a station at one point but couldn't get into the negative spin. I get caught up the spin myself.

In the past I would take whatever was handed to me without question, it might not never come again...This is old Alanon thinking for me. Being present for myself allows me to question what is also going on around me.

Things that are urgent are rarely important, and things that are important are rarely urgent. First things first.

"Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not be thrown off the track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails."
Henry David Thoreau

Monday, May 31, 2010

Awareness, Acceptance Action

Didn't know what to do with myself today. Too many days in a row with no structure and I begin to feel out of sorts with life. If you knew me it would seem the opposite in fact I like freedom and no plans, being spontaneous.

Today I answered the phone to a friend N who sets me off most times. I have taken great distance from our friendship.
I put my self worth into other peoples hands, less than I used to but it still happens.
She is doing her best in life but things have changed for me. I no longer want to participate in the negative talk we engaged in. My part in all of it was to lift my self esteem by speaking ill of others. This behavior doesn't serve me anymore.
Awareness Acceptance and Action

Acceptance can be empowering because it makes choices possible.

"For here we are not afraid to follow truth wherever it may lead."
Thomas Jefferson

Friday, May 21, 2010

Trying to change other people

It is a hot sunny day today in Connecticut, I am on vacation. I had severe anxiety beforehand, on the plane and right up to visiting a dying relative. My trip also involves going to the Omega Institute to see Pema Chodron a Buddhist lecturer. She has given me great insight into the workings of the mind and some incredible relief through her teachings.

I tried to prepare myself on what to expect with my visit to F, remembering my grandmothers last days in the hospital.
It took great effort on my part as she lives across country. I had several anxiety attacks. Practicing the program guided me through discomfort. F is still lucid but very fragile. She must weigh 80 pounds but is still feisty.

My in law took me to see her in Manhattan. My in laws argued the entire time I was with them, they act like children. It is hard for me to be around this behavior. But, I don't have to fix them which I always feel is my duty. Strange enough I feel a kind of addiction when I am around them. This is where I detach with love from them. I don't need to interfere with their problems.
I am learning the difference between help and interference this gives me a chance to examine my part in the insanity.
I limited my stay to 2 days with them and glad I created limits.

The Buddhist teachings were incredible giving me great tools to look at the workings of my mind. It was very sad to hear Pema talk of her sister in law dying of alcoholism at 48 years old. It gave me a chance to realize even with such an incredible lady as Pema as her mother in law the disease of alcoholism is sometimes fatal. It knows no class, race or sex.
Learning more, doing the footwork and letting the program guide me.

Whatever is the cause that binds is the path that liberates. The Ninth Gyalwant Karmapa

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Mind my own buisness

It was a cloudy day today but I enjoyed myself. My friend and I went to a garden lecture at Sunset magazine. It was really for amateurs but getting out and
looking at flowers makes me feel good. I can see why they place them in religious settings. A nurturning space has a flower nestled here or there.

I value spending time with my friend. It has been a challenge at times watching her struggle with her alcoholic boyfriend. She watches his every move, making sure he doesn't drink too much. With her helicopter surveillance her own personal hygiene has just gone haywire. It saddens me and at times I mention the program to her.
She listens but hasn't acted much toward her own recovery. This is where I detach, she has her HP. I need to mind my own business. Let Go and Let God. When I am concentrating too much on others peoples lives I might be avoiding looking closer at mine.

12 stepping still working on Step 4
Love my garden hope my Russian tomatoes work near the ocean
My in law is getting old I really have to see her soon
today was a good day

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Learning to bring words to my feelings has been a challenge. For years I expressed myself poorly but was lucky to have work as a creative outlet.

Tonight my husband made a couple of nasty remarks.His words in the past would have added fuel to a fight. For some reason I let the comments fly over my head. In one instance I felt he could be right about a friend who had invited us to dinner. He insulted my husband verbally at one of his large dinner parties.
I chose to ignore it but felt it was bad behavior and was humiliated. Could it have been the large amounts of wine my friend drank that night? That is none of my business.

But my business is taking care of D, me. What am I getting out of humiliation?
My suffering brought me alot of attention and pity. I grew accustomed to blaming others for my problems. These benefits are no longer worth the price.

Like they say I am finding out in Alanon and the help of my HP there is a beautiful person within me who has no need to build an identity around suffering. I am learning to let that person blossom.

The greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances....Martha Washington

1. For Alanon
2. Service
3. Willingness to learn and grow
4. Going to see Pema Chodron at Omega Institute
5. My Health so many of me dear friends are in horrible shape
6 Prayer for those out there still suffering

Saturday, May 8, 2010


Last night i found it hard to sleep, all night I was spinning with horrible negative obsessive thoughts. It lasted for a few hours and then I remembered turning it all over to god. When a negative thought came up I prayed. I prayed for self acceptance, I prayed for addicts still out, I prayed for relief. Slowly the obsession lifted and I slept. It was a hard night.

It has been many months since I have gone through such a hardship. The spin did not last for days it lasted for a few hours. Prayer is a great gift of the program.
I am full of Gratitude. I am not a religous person but I do practice meditation.

This morning after the long night I drove to recovery conference. It was an hour drive outside town, but I went despite having no sleep. My GPS led me to a adondened pier which was the wrong address. It was frightening no one was around and it is in a bad area of town. I tried to keep calm and reentered the address. Eventually the GPS took me to the right address.

The conference was full of people working on thier recovery, and I got to be of service to my group. I felt that it was all worth it once I arrived. Being in a room full of recovering people makes me feel good.

"God meets me where I am ...If I am just willing, He will come to me" As we understood

1. AA and the tool kit that comes with working the program
2. Friends in the program
3. Kombucha tea hope it isnt too sugary for me
4. Acceptance
5. Feeling comfortable in my own skin

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


It was a full day today. After work I met a friend at an art auction. We both enjoy art and have collected over the years. Despite the fact I don't have as much money as D I still have some nice original works of art. I began collecting around 20 years ago with small works of students.

She and I have developed a friendship over the years, I enjoy her company. We dont share deep secrets but are close none the less. Some of my friends that I shared more personal aspects of myself to have not really stuck through the thick and thin.
But she and I have remained over the years.

It's odd really I think it might have something to do with my choices in who I got close to in the past. It's great to have the opportunity to look into my life and examine some of my past. Everyone who plays a part in our lives offers something
we might learn. Other people can be our mirrors, reflecting our better and our worse qualities. The can help us to work through conflicts from the past that were never resolved. They can act as catalysts.
I will welcome those friends my HP brings to me today.

1. for the program one step at a time
2. meditation
3. patience I had to sit through another translation session today
4. Curious driving an electric vehicle for a few days while my car is being repaired

"Seperate reeds are weak and easily broken; but bound together they are strong and hard to tear apart." The Midrash

Sunday, April 25, 2010

One Day at a time

Progress not perfection. I feel good tonight. This weekend my sponsee and I met and said goodbye for a couple of months. She is moving back home for a work transfer. She tries her best working, the steps has been very slow. But I believe she has a willingness and some just take more time than others. I have gotten incredible insights by sponsoring. Her struggles and willingness to be vulnerable with her shares are touching.

Watching the Lois Story tonight made me feel grateful. It changed my life showing up for recovery.
One day at a time.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

People Pleasing

Last week i attended a conference for my recovery practice. Part of the plan was to share a room with someone.
She was introduced to me by a friend from the program but I didnt know her that well. It is part of my recovery to do whatever it takes to work my program. It felt uncomfortable to share this personal space but I jumped in.
She snored but it was nice getting to know her. Her views are much more conservative than mine politically. I tried to stay true to my beliefs but made my points in softer way than I have in the past.

The most difficult situation was staying present for myself despite some of her needs. I stepped back when in the past I would try to make her comfortable over my needs. My people pleasing behavior has stopped me from rooming and sharing with people.
Learning how to take care of myself in situations is still difficult for me. But I can also turn my will and my life over to HP.

I noticed she somewhat stepped back and waited for me to step in to take over in certain situations. In a couple of instances I let her go first but then I also showed up for myself later on. It's interesting to step back and watch my old behaviors.

When I treat myself to kindness and respect, I am better able to get along with others.

"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now-when?" Hillel

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

More Meetings

Came home from the meeting still feeling sad, lonely and depressed. Why do these feelings follow me since I was a child? Turning this over to Hp is the choice I get to make at this moment. Meetings and phone calls are on my taking care of D list.

I get frozen by certain events and need to follow a path with fewer bumps. But life is going to have bumps. Pema Chodron says its these moments where I greatest growth lies. I am operating out of this experience anyway might as well acknowledge it.
These events have alot of power over me. I just want to throw the towel into the ring. The events have to do with a creative project working closely with my buis partner. I feel as if she is taking over the project over which annoys me to no end. Then I hate myself for not speaking up for my needs. Where do I speak up and where do i turn it over to HP? My anger is projected onto me by myself.

Monday I walked through the Zen Center thinking I might want to join up with the Monks. They will take care of me, everything will work out fine in the meditation rooms. But there are no fixes life has challenges.

LIfe is a series of experiments in which some succeed and some fail and in which failures as well as the successes point the way to fresh experiments. Just for today I might try slightly changing some pattern of behavior that repeatedly causes me problems, just to see what happens. I can learn from life and call it research. This day is all I have to work with. The past is over and tomorrow is out of my reach. I will try to remember what a great gif this day can be and make full use of it.

1. HP has plans for me
2. I just dont understand everything and this is OK
3. Planning to see Pema Chodron, May in NY , lucky me
4. Living by the beach these days is wonderful if I can take the time to look outside of myself

Sunday, March 21, 2010

In All Our Affairs

Wonderful day today but still felt out of sorts with myself. Fear it rears it's head in all kinds of situations.
Grateful I have the program to guide me when things get tough. Feelings of being inadequate bubble bubble like trouble.
The gift in all of this is I dont have to run away with my feelings through crazy behaviors instead I can go to my support groups.

Step 3 I can turn my will and my life over to the care of HP. I keep trying to run the show but it has turned into a series of bad reruns. I find it hard to trust that there is a plan to guide me in life. Surrendering seems like a death wish to me but living like I have in the past is painful.

"There are no guarantees that life will turn out the way we would like, but the program has shown me Gods will is the only way; it is up to me to work with HIm and turn my life and will over to HIs care and guidance."
In All Our Affairs

1. Hp is there for me when I cant be there for myself
2. One step at a time
3. Flounder is one hell of a delicious fish
4. Health Care reform is a good thing
5. Trust

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sure things happen

Tonight I sat at home after running around all day completing errands. I woke up early and picked up a friend to go for the farmers market extravaganza. It was full of wonderful vegetables, dates, olive oils, eggs you name we have it here. There is alot of pushing sometimes people want to get their veggies and get them now. I have to say it is fun to learn all about the fruits of California.
A bee expert and was selling Propolis which greatly intrigued me. It is known for it's healing properties.

Propolis is also believed to promote heart health, strengthen the immune system and reduce the chances of cataracts.[12] Old beekeepers[citation needed] recommend a piece of propylis kept in the mouth as a remedy for a sore throat. Propolis lozenges and tinctures can be bought in many countries. Though claims have been made for its use in treating allergies, propolis may cause severe allergic reactions if the user is sensitive to bees or bee products.

After a long day I called my husband confirming our date night outing. I was tired driving around the city all day wore me out.
He wanted to stay home so we called off our night together. This date cancelation triggers me and thoughts of feeling unsettled surface. I begin my search to take care of myself and to not feel disappointed. I spin downward with I don't know how to take care of myself. Life is on a large circus ride with me standing in an endless waiting line. Learning how to take care of my needs is still a learning process. One day at a time at a second...Turn it over to HP the universe has a plan. " The path to my true hearts desire is to surrender to the will of my HP."

I choose to stay home tonight and meet my needs by keeping it simple. I enjoy listening to a world music station that plays only on Saturday nights. Does this feeling of being unsettled have to do with control? I blame myself first feeling as if
I should have known this would happen. Writing helps me identify some of my feelings that in the past we are blur. I have alot of gratitude for the program and the recovery blogging world.

"We know that God can and will do anything that is for our ultimate good, if we are ready to receive his help." The twelve traditions.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Right thought

I feel fortunate to be at peace with moments of my life. This is a gift of the program.One day at at time my life is unfolding into days weeks months....

There are still days I don't feel too good but nothing like the past.
Driving today I realized the choices that occur throughout the day for me.
I can honk at the guy who cut me off or I can make a decision to keep it calm.
Engaging with a stranger for my peace of mind doesn't seem to make sense.
But these kind of choices occur for me many times during the day.
Changing my behavior and experimenting with my life is trying out new aspects of my who I am.

As the weekend approaches I often think there needs to be big plans for enormous events.However most of the time I prefer to be spontaneous and let the day unfold. This could be as simple as getting a tamale at a corner store from a Honduran women.

But today I felt that I should be doing something important, anything other than what I was doing. Where does this come from not being satisfied with myself?
I think it has to do with my past and being cut off from my feelings today I learn more about Dianne and what are my wants and needs. This is from having no sense of who I am and searching endlessly for the answer to pop out of the sky.

As the program works in my life I find my anxious voice is smaller.
Working step 4 has helped me recognize some past patterns and their origins. Learning to turn this over to HP helps me detach. Letting the day be settled and full is satisfying.

We are sewing a new robe for the Zen priest in our recovery program. He is celebrating 10 years of running our group with Recovery and Buddhism.
Every stitch we sew right thought is carefully focused onto the garment.
I am grateful that Alanon has given me so much more than I could have imagined.

"Just for today I will find a little time to relax and to realize what life is and can be; time to think about God and get a better perspective on myself"

Monday, March 8, 2010


My meditation retreat on Saturday went well I didn't run out of the yurt screaming at the top of my lungs...Difficult to look at my mind with an examining glass. But I do believe my recovery has benefited from regular meditation practice.
I felt very agitated through most of the day but I sat through it all despite some of the discomfort. At the end there is some clarity to my thoughts.

My mother is one of my qualifiers and thoughts of her came up in my meditation. First I felt angry underlying it all is a deep sadness. Having a mother but not having a nurturing mother is a very difficult experience. So what happens next for me
when I felt sadness in the past was self abuse through a variety of means. I am not worth it and my mother proves it.
I realize that her life is all she can do. I also realize I can feel sadness surrounding my lack of mothering experiences.
She has done some very hurtful things to me in her ignorance. I hear from her maybe 5 times a year always with a long tirade about how expensive life is and how things are getting worse in the world. Jeez it drives me nuts reading this even ...
When I was 18 and went to college there was no entry back home. I then had to parent 4 siblings guiding them in the world.

One of the gift of the program is my willingness to get some of my needs met. This is done by asking someone to sponsor me which allows me to have a more intimate relationships. Intimacy can be one of life's gifts.

1. HP is loving everyone
2. I can learn to take care of myself with the help of the program
3. Reaching out to newcomers
4. The day was beautiful full of sunshine

Monday, March 1, 2010

Keep It Simple

Wonderful day today although it is full of clouds. Really I have gratitude for my life it is a full experience.
Lately I noticed my mind is worrying again as soon as I awake. This state of being was a common state of mind for me in the past.
As time progressed in the program my obsessive thinking lessened. This weekend I received some bad news regarding our project. I began to spin with negative thinking although I am trying to turn it over to HP. Doing the footwork creates a path for my thinking to create a new way of looking at a problem. I am not sure what is going to happen but I am going to trust HP has a plan for me. Turn it over.

Controlling behavior has gotten me into alot of trouble. To my surprise I have no control over people, places or things. I was a victim of life's circumstances. My childhood was filled with violence, and alcoholism. The alcoholic was in control of our spinning family. What could I do as I child? Unfortunately as an adult the same childhood coping mechanisms try to run my world. Today I have choices in how I handle situations.

We can live a life with a new sense of freedom. This I can say is part of the gifts I am receiving on a daily basis.

HP has a plan for the world
I get to turn it over to HP

Friday, February 26, 2010

What others think of me is none of my business

This week has been calm. Tonight I had a meeting with several peers involving our project.
It irritated me when one man spoke to me as if I was his student. In reality I have much more experience in this field
and I felt he was patronizing. In fact the whole event annoyed me. We won an award which was a residency and were told our concept was pushed through by a couple of individuals.

The chief administrator was to give us advice although the few times we called we never heard back from her. Apparently she wasn't the one who wanted our project to win.
We kept our mouths shut hoping to gain some notoriety by the fact we acquired this residency.
A letter was drafted for our records to use as a reference.
When I left the meeting I wanted to scream, running out of the room. It hasn't been a rewarding experience for me.

On many levels I felt a certain disrespect from the administrator and the organization she works for. In the past this organization has irritated me and not much has changed. You don't go to the hardware store for milk. In other words they have been a thorn for me and continue to cause discomfort. Take what you like and leave the rest.

1. HP will be there for me no matter what happens
2. My pasta tonight was good and it cost so little
3. 12 steps are a key to my inner life
4. What others think of me is none of my business

God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how.
Henry Ward Beecher

Sunday, February 14, 2010


Attended a good meeting tonight but really felt like I needed to leave after the share.
Why? I feel anxious these days and tired. Or maybe it was her share that ruffled my feathers a little. What I remember is after 20 years she still has to work her program, is happy with the simpler things life has to offer, and there are a few disappointments in what her life is today. She thought her career would lead to fame but it did not happen as planned.
I am dealing with regrets these days or examining what is my life is about today.
I thought maybe I would have a child in my life. I did not have children there was too much going on in my life. I was luckily traveling the world and loving my career. Now I physically can't have children. Today I am having to deal with the choices that worked for me in the past but have left me questioning if I made the wrong decision.
This is my life and more will be revealed. Discovering parts of my deeper self have widened my perspective.

We are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure-- the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back.

Self knowledge is the path to personal freedom. the steps give me directions and help me to cope with anything I encounter along the way.

HP has a plan for me
12 steps and step 4
The ocean was beautiful today full of white caps
gardening was frustrating so many weeds have taken hold again
I have lemons

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Today we made a trip out of town to visit a friend who lives a few hours away.
H and I really needed a break from our everyday lives. He works non stop seven days a week. I noticed he was anxious before we left. I tried to keep myself detached from his experience. I practiced keeping the focus on myself and my feelings.

In the past we often would have arguments when we left town and H would have stayed home. I would have gone on the trip alone. We had a bad argument last night but I made amends for an error on my part. Today we didn't argue it was pleasant. Just a simple trip nothing outrageous or special. Todays journey without arguing is the program working in my life today.
The more I work Alanon, the steps and do service life seems to take on a new way.
It feel today there are moments where I am living a serene life.

"I was convinced that I had to take care of everything and everybody I had no choice.
But with the help of Alanon I have learned that while I do have responsibilities, there are also many things I do not have to do:"
HP guides us all
12 steppin with the 4th step
My life feels pretty good today
I can appreciate the small moments

"No one else can define our role in the unique partnership we develop with our HP."
In All Our Affairs

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My Part in it

Tonight I feel content it might have been the seven meetings last week that added to my serenity. This is a great town for meetings although I feel still hesitant at times to talk about my feelings. What does this all mean?
It could be that a part of me wants to hide out. This old part that kept me safe as a child but does me alot of harm as an adult.
There are lots of old D's hanging out inside not wanting to be brought to the air.

For instance one big issue for me is a friend from outside the rooms who is now in the program. There are many times when a meeting ends she rushes to get hugs from the men. In the past I would wait till she was finished with her conversation with the guys and then say good bye. We dont see one another outside the rooms as we had in the past. I am learning to take care of myself by making new friends in the program. She chats with the men and I chat with my new friends.

Recently I leave without say good bye to T. It feels uncomfortable not acknowledging her presence. It feels rude to me I don't like to discount our old friendship but i don't want to wait till she is done. I have to learn to find my way in all of this with retaining who I am. This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. There is a part of me that thought because T and I were in the program our problems would work out. It has not developed as I hoped.

My part in all this insanity was rescuing others at my expense. This old part of me wants to hang on the old D being a victim of life's injustices. I would wait till she was finished with her fix and then feel angry at her.

This is who T is at the present I have seen some remarkable recovery from her and also from myself surrounding our friendship. The sad part is now that I have detached there isn't a friendship. This care taking role I took on as a child was for my Mom. She used me as a dump for her feelings. Suffering depression as a ten year old had to do with adult problems being presented to me to solve.

Step 2 Turn it over to HP Came to believe a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity

I don't want to blame T for where she is at in her life. But I can learn to take care of myself. No body can make me feel anything without my consent. I am learning to communicate more responsibly. I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can learn to to explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.

1. HP is there and waiting
2. Turn it over
3.Driving is nice especially being out of town for a day

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Taking Care

I had to take care of myself and rest today. I wasn't feeling well. The last few days I over worked.
Sometimes I over do my day and fill it to the brim.
My business partner had a falling out with her dentist. She asked me for advice in the matter. I replied Alanon is a great program and might work for you. She smiled and I smiled.
I don't want to take care of her. This care taking could get some resentments brewing. I have enough on my plate keeping the focus on myself so it doesn't get projected out into the world.
In Alanon we don't make anyones choices for them, but we do offer advice of another kind. We suggest attending Alanon meetings, finding a sponsor and reaching out by phone.
HP is there for everyone
My sister sent a wonderful note to me
Carrot soup cures what ails you
We need rain but we are getting too much

"When I concentrate on my personal progress, the difficulties over which I have no control will iron themselves out"
The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage

Sunday, January 31, 2010

taking care of myself

Tonight I made a big pot of meatballs and spaghetti with an organic sauce.
We invited our niece, her husband and their 2 year old son.
In the past I would cook a complicated meal with a desert and drink plenty of good wine to ease the tension. But tonight I kept it simple and didnt have to drink to
ease the tension. I took care of myself and didnt overdo it to create a resentment.
This is the program working learning to take care of myself.
This means not making the fancy desert and sitting down when I feel tired.
1. HP has a plan for me.
2. Life unfolds as it is supposed to

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Step 4

Good meeting tonight in Alanon. I havent been to the Thursday night in a while so it was appreciated.
We read Step 4 in all it's glories is the word that comes to mind.

I have been moving the Blue Print for Progress around for a couple of months. I do believe the 98 pages has me a little
overwhelmed. It seems so little of the old me remains will it all wash away with this step? fears
The Ego holding on to who I am.
I grew up with alot of the unknowns...not sure if D was coming home wasted out of his mind or not.
Today I have my H who works in his office from morn till night fall. It does hurt me he spends so little time
just talking with me. But I cant go the poor me syndrom it does not help anyone mainly me.
What can I do to take care of D?
Show up for my life, learn to keep the focus on myself.
Oh the old ways they do come creeping in like bad nightmares.
1. HP comes day and night
2. Step 4 and the willingness
3. I like blood oranges
4. Good friends
5. Alanon makes my life so much more

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Shutting down

Great recovery meeting tonight at the Zen Center.
The talk was the past, the speaker then lifted up a photo of himself at 7 years old. He then dscribeed to the group when he started feeling that he didn't belong. Oh yes I can remember exactly the moment I realized that things were getting out of control in my life. I was around 10 years old laying in bed not feeling good, depressed. It was then I knew I would have to start shutting down my feelings they were causing me to feel bad, no one was there to guide me. So that is what I did that day, I left my true self and splintered like a bad piece of furniture. The depression only got worse shutting down didn't seem to help me.

I had to raise my brothers and sisters and did the best a 10 year old could put together. My parents did the best they could also at the time.
I felt very alone and overwhelemed with the adult situations I had to cope with.
Keeping my mohther feeling Ok was a big job if she collapsed things would get real ugly. We all coped with her whispered phone calls to her lovers that lasted for hours some days. This was my childhood in Merriam.

But today I am grateful I have the program, a sponsor and the 12 steps that can help guide me through my life one day at a time. The program help guides me thourgh my life. Today I have choices and people in the rooms sharing thier experience strength and hope.This gives me such relief to know that there are others out there who also have experienced the same insanity that I was raised with and then recreated in my adulthood.

"I don't have to feel alone. I can go to a meeting. or pick up the phone-there is always somebody to reach out in Alanon."

HP shares love with all
12 step Zen meetings have given me so much good recovery
Books keep me feelin good
The voices today are small
I like blood oranges

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart".
Carl Jung

Thursday, January 21, 2010

let go and relax

Went to an event tonight to support an elderly woman in her late 8o's. I met her in Yoga didn't really like nor dislike her but shared a year with her in the class.
Tonight they held a retrospect of her photo career from the 1950 to the 80's which focused around civil and labor rights.I saw a side of her that was not revealed in her later life. She shined as she entered the library, smiling and laughing with her old friends.
I was able to show up and not be late due to my husbands needs and my inability to stand up for myself. Though now I look back on some instances and wonder if situations haven't been chosen to act out "a sick need for abandonment". But today was different I felt a comfort in how I treated myself.
I gave rides to several people and set boundaries with them on when I wanted to be at the library and when I wanted to leave. My friend brought her alcholic boyfriend and I didn't stare at him judging his behaviors.
I took care of myself and let others take care of themselves. Wow
Today I have choices about my life.
I can use my time to do something good for myself. One of my primary responsibilities
is to take care of myself. I will find a small way to do something for my mind, body, and spirit.
For HP's
the Alanon program is there for me always
for chocolate bars
Still raining my garden needs it for next year
for forgiveness
for me life as it stands today

part of my recovery is respecting my need and my right to let go and relax.
In All Our Affairs

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Rain fell off and on all day leaving me feel like staying indoors. I brought in a small heater into my office and worked off and on through the morning. Rain seems to settle me sometimes and leaves me feeling calm.

I have nice memories of past rain storms.
My grandmother loved rain and would sit by the window watching it's downpour telling stories. She particularly liked thunderstorms and would praise the crash and flashes of light crossing the sky. She was an old timer and water was important for life as it still is today.

My meeting schedule is off right now. But I am feeling OK, tonight the committee in my head is quiet. Last night I went to a movie with a friend. She has lost quite a bit recentely including her car. She lives a very frugal life due to money issues and bad planning. Time is also not one of her strong points and I know this. We ran late as usual to the movie. It is very difficult to find parking in the city and we circled endlessly looking for a space. She was frantic but I just let myself be calm and turned it over to god..For some reason it worked last night. Where she is doesn't have to be where I am emotionally.
I know where my friend stands with time, I don't expect a different result.
And where am I at in all this? Is she someone I can fix?
Do I seek this out in a friendship? Interesting to look at my motives.
She is also a very talented, interesting and caring person.
Just for tonight think I will go to bed and sleep.
1. HP is within us all
2. Rain is calming for me
3. Appreciation of the simple things
4. For vinegar it really is a wonderful thing
5. The Coen brothers are a crazy bunch
"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone"
Blaise Pascal

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

One Day at a time

We had a great day working on our new project. But there were a couple of instances where confrontations took place. As I was leaving home my buisness partner called me several times for an item that I felt was unncescary. I did not retrieve her messages until I was half way to our current location. I could not find the item in the past and did not want to deal with her confrontation.
I wanted to ignore and do things my way. Also I take the blame for problems that are not all of my responsibilty.

These are Alanon issues for me, it is always my fault and I will take the blame.
Guess this is one of my character defects sprouting it's wings.

What does this do for me?
My Mother and Grandmother were both married to alcoholics.
I felt sorry for their life circumstances. As a child I promised to never marry an alcoholic but instead my life veered toward a work alcoholic. My husband works 7 days a week.
What can I do today to keep my relationship to my HP alive in my life?
Work the program to the best of my ability.

1. HP has a plan
2. Life is good the best in years
3. One day at a time
"There is so much to appreciate in this life. I wont waste another moment feeling sorry for myself"