Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Simple yet full

Christmas was nice simple and yet full. But I do feel tweaked at different times, just go off the phone with a friend. Feeling left out and less than. No one has a right to these feelings. But it is a good
indicator of what I have felt before from this person in the past. Step back and not react. I felt myself shutting down. hurt.
Life is suffering it is how I deal with this suffering that sets me free.

Getting ready for the new year full of more experiences. I have a life that is precious

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Beautiful day today spent my morning at the Zen Center in the country.
Full sun along the beach, tilled fields and hopes of salmon spawning in the creek that runs from the ocean.
Lots of effort is spent for the fish to come back again.
I enjoyed spending time with an old friend and confessing some of my character defects.
Wanting my mother to wake up and become the woman I envision. This awakening 
will mostly not happen and needing to keep the focus on my life. My job was to care take her needs and forget my own needs. Today I have choices and the ability to have compassion for both of us.
I search for compassion toward her. 
Grateful for a  warm friend today who was there for me when I needed a kind word.

My old feelings of loneliness are popping up here and there. This is part of my disease.
Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, and reaching out the newcomer. I forget sometimes to reach out
to the newcomer I was needing a kind word when I first arrived.

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done. Buddhist thought

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Showing up for myself

Nice to be at home quietly my husband is visiting his Mom. It's good to have alone time. In the past I didn't know how to be alone with myself. I was constantly doing, going, leaving, anything to escape the feelings.
Today I can sit with myself in silence  and enjoy the serenity. This is one of the miracles they talk about in the rooms. Learning to take care of selves and be present for others out of my abundance.

Yesterday I experienced another migraine with my husband being out of town I was a little frightened.
I lost my sight for a few hours. Just kept calm as much as possible meditating helped to ground me.
Reached out to my sister it was a mistake. She is not much of a nurturer.
 I mourn the damage alcoholism has caused our family. I wanted L to be someone who she isnt.
She is who she is I can't change her.  Learning to care for others where they are at and myself where I am at.
Huge lesson for me.

Having a meditation practice is a way of fully entering your life, without reservation. When you meditate, when you sit and notice without assessing how you’re doing, you just show up for your life. In the moment of meditation, nothing is required of you. It’s enough to be here on the planet, to experience a moment of presence, to fully honor the gift of being alive. And it is a gift, one that just comes to you. You don’t have to ask.

If we don't show up for our own life, we tend to ask other people to fill in the bits we won't show up for. That makes it hard on them. So love begins with really showing up. And practice helps. It’s a way of not dodging the difficult, painful bits. It’s also not dodging the beauty and the marvel of life, the wonder and our capacity to connect to others. Love starts there. 

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Every Holiday I mourn or maybe recreate the past and the hole that is a part of me.
It was dug by days of heavy drinking parents and relatives and also parents that didn’t drink but lived the life anyway.  I was a child in those days. Looking out from my body and watching their pain wanting to fix it for them. That was what I did as a kid. As a teenager
my pain was directed more at self hatred of myself and the world for giving me this life.
Now it’s coming again the holidays and all that it was and trying to make it my own today. Even in the drinking days there was still love. Searching for this love in the madness. Today my hatred has softened but I still search for the connection of family. Not having to make their pain my own is a struggle.
Turning turning it all over as I walk the highway of death. Buddhists like to meditate on death. Just for today I am alive in this second.

Meeting up with other like minded humans tonight

Sunday, November 3, 2013


Floating blue dress

Went to visit several Day of the Dead altars. A couple of them stood out and brought up memories from my past. One was in tribute to an African American dressmaker. The altar was composed of a beautiful blue dress floating from the ceiling with patterns from her past projects creating the background. I remember sewing with my mother and grandmother. We had a large jar filled with buttons from my great grandmother. I would play for hours with these simple pieces. Our times sewing were often quiet and engaging a rarity in our Alcoholic home.
 It is ok today to bring up some of the past as long as I don't get caught in the sadness and pain.
Alanon has given so much to me. I am grateful for my life today.
One day at a time.

Sunday, October 27, 2013

Sought through prayer

Was at an all day retreat I like to refer to it as brain cleaning. I commit and then most of the time I will show up which is one of my good characteristics. We sat in meditation for a few hours. In the past it was very difficult for me to sit with a group of people all day. It could send me into a feelings that I couldn't identify because I was shut down for so many years. Taking care of people took alot out of me including developing a wide range of feelings. I keep showing up lots can follow from this intention.

Sitting with the women today was nice. My migraine kept me from participating fully but it was better than staying at home. I took a small nap in the back and could still hear the discussion.
Taking care of myself sometimes requires me to stay at home when I don't feel well enough.
My migraines have lessened with acupuncture but still persist. Ignoring the pain doesn't make the pain go away for me as I have tried from twenty years.

Getting ready for sleep and tonight I will pray for my brother. He is suffering with an addiction. I miss him but dont know how to connect to him.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out

Monday, October 21, 2013


Compassion is the understanding or empathy for others. Compassion is the emotion that we feel in response to the suffering of others that motivates a desire to help.
Compassion is often regarded as having an emotional aspect to it, though when based on cerebral notions such as fairness, justice and interdependence, it may be considered rational in nature and its application understood as an activity based on sound judgment. There is also an aspect of compassion which regards a quantitative dimension, such that individual's compassion is often given a property of "depth," "vigour," or "passion." The etymology of "compassion" is Latin, meaning "co-suffering." More involved than simple empathy, compassion commonly gives rise to an active desire to alleviate another's suffering. It is often, though not inevitably, the key component in what manifests in the social context as altruism. In ethicalterms, the various expressions down the ages of the so-called Golden Rule often embodies by implication the principle of compassion: Do to others what you would have them do to you.[1]

As I unfreeze my emotional state  compassion for myself and then others has appeared in my life.
Tonight it was tough at the meeting feeling very disconnected with others in the room. A woman I have known for many years talked to a man intimately about her difficult relationship with her boyfriend. I listened and started to feel angry and then sad. This woman gave me the impression in the past that she was a close friend. She would chat with me very intimately and then out of the rooms it was like the conversation never happened. I called her but rarely received a call back. These type of situations trigger me as this is something my mother would do. Promise me the world and then abandon me and act as if nothing happened. It's sick behavior really and confusing to me.
How do I take care of myself?
I try not to engage with this person keep the focus on myself. Have compassion for myself. Pray for the lady.
Keep working a program more will be revealed. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013


Came home from a wonderful Dharma talk regarding insight meditation in prisons. I was emotionally touched and wanted to bolt but I stuck with the talk. In my youth my father would bring home ex convicts to live with us. I would hear there stories of growing up poor, violence and comments of wouldn't I like to write a book about their lives? One particular man still is a big part of my memory M. He was  a very confused man a raging alcoholic but also kind and loving. I wonder how he could have benefited from a program like the Insight Prison Project. Loving Kindness goes out to M and my father who was always trying to save others at the expense of his serenity.

He is the Founding Director of the Insight Prison Project (IPP), a non-profit that since 1998 pioneers innovative in-prison rehabilitation programs and serves as a catalyst for state-wide prison reform in California. IPP teaches 18 weekly classes in San Quentin, offers trainings and is a consultant for the US State Department on rehabilitation issues. Currently, Jacques is leading a new initiative called 'Insight Out' wherein former prisoners trained by IPP act as Change Agents in the community, working with youth in Richmond and Oakland to prevent violence and incarceration.

May all beings be happy may they live in peace and harmony


Short-story writer and MacArthur Grant Fellow George Saunders gave a speech earlier this year at the graduation ceremony for students at Syracuse University, advising them to “try to be kinder.” Here are the highlights from his speech, from a transcript Saunders sent to the New York Times:
On his regrets:
So here’s something I know to be true, although it’s a little corny, and I don’t quite know what to do with it:
What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. 
Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly.  Reservedly.  Mildly….It’s a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I’d say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder
The more present I am for myself the better able I can respond with more kindness
Working a program showing up for this precious life

Saturday, October 12, 2013


My relatives are here and it has caused a great upset in our family. I am trying to work my program and turn it over but not be a door mat.
My Y does not speak up for himself but maybe it's good he doesn't buy into their problem.
But I do believe that at times when you are being verbally abused to walk away to take care of yourself.
We are not seeing them. It makes me sad that we don't get along and I am angry at them for their rude constant behavior. What do I do to take care of myself? Go to meetings, call my sponsor, nurture myself.
Set a boundary. I will not sit and listen to my BIL when he begins his rude comments. If he begins I will leave the room or go home.
I am grateful for my recovery tonight I can still sit with some serenity despite being very upset with BIL.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Love of self

Home from a mediation meeting. It was nice to sit in a room full of silence with strangers. There is a trust that develops with mediation practice. Learning to sit with monkey mind and detach with love.
Love of self and from this arises love for others.
It is so important to do service reach out to others still suffering.
Life is suffering it is how we deal with this suffering that sets us free.

Monday, September 30, 2013


Came home from meeting up with my best friends neighbor. I  learned that my dear friend has been drinking and lying to me. She is in the program but drinks. It hurt me she is a loving caring person who is struggling.
 I want her to be sober but she might not be ready to show up for herself. Every day she is at a meeting.

I thank my program and HP that today I didn't have to take a drink. It's been almost 6 years now.

Powerless over the addiction. HP has a plan for M.

Her recovery is absolutely none of my business. Your business is you.  Your drinking (or not), is none of her business, her drinking is none of yours. She is a grown person.


Beautiful day today went to the Zen Farm for a dharma talk. It brings me deep serenity to sit with myself and join others as they sit with themselves.  Today I heard something that touched me deeply.
When my teacher went to study with the head of the Zen Center he was told we are there for you.
It made me cry.  Reaching out and having a community to support you.

This is also an important point in Alanon for me.There is a community for me to reach into for support and guidance. I can reach out to my sponsor. If my sponsor is not available I continue to reach out and more than likely someone will be there for me. I also am available to others in the program.
 I have learned how to be there for myself.
One of my biggest gifts is loving in a deeper way. More feelings are born as I show up for myself.

I am thinking of my friend who is lying about her drinking. She is suffering.
Loving her for where she is right now with the disease.

  • Do not try to become anything.
    Do not make yourself into anything.
    Do not be a meditator.
    Do not become enlightened.
    When you sit, let it be.
    What you walk, let it be.
    Grasp at nothing.
    Resist nothing.

Sunday, September 15, 2013


Feel gratitude tonight. Old feelings came up for me regarding loneliness. This feeling  might stay till I leave this planet. I try to run from the deep well do whatever I can to change what I feel. Force does not change where I am at.  Reaching out today was so difficult  a phone call could not be made for several hours. I foretold they would see my suffering and not be there for me. This is  an old story that I carry with me.
I did eventually make a call to and old friend in the program. She was there for me I revealed my secrets.
No one cares I felt.
But accepting others where they are at is also part of my disease. Wanting them to care for me instead of caring for myself. The disease of Alanon. Others do try their best I believe I can not make them take care of me. It is my disease rearing it's head.
Gratitude and compassion for where I am at.

Meeting with my Buddhist teacher today. She sat looking deeply inside of me. Often this makes me extremely uncomfortable. Turning it over for tonight.
God has a plan for me and the rest of the world.

Saturday, September 7, 2013


Beautiful day ... walked along the ocean for an hour. Dogs and people were all trying to have a good time.
A part of me felt some of my addiction play out in the "I should be doing something else anything different than where I am right now.." I had this repeat many times in my life. Meditation and turning it over has created some space to be in the moment. Learning to sit with myself and not always attach with my thoughts as they race through my brain. Calm, peaceful moments have entered into my life more as I recover from my addictive lifestyle.
I am grateful for my life today. This is a gift of the program. Program tools help me in my life when I felt so alone in the past.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

I didn't cause it

Tonight home from a acupuncture appointment for my neck and hip. It has eased the pain. Knowing how to take care of myself is a gift of the program. I drove directly from work to the office for a session. To relax with needles is healing letting go for the good of myself.......

Struggling  with my marriage. Y had a furious rage attack directed at me. Watching him with detachment was alarming. To take care of myself I need to remember that sometimes I have to leave the room the house the city even to take care of myself.  In the past I would blame myself for his behavior, I just wasnt doing the right things to make him happy. With the help of Alanon today I feel it deeper within myself that I did not

I didn’t cause it
I don’t control it
And I can’t cure it

Changing the dynamics of our relationships
In Al‑Anon we learn how to set boundaries, to say yes when we
mean yes, and no when we mean no. We no longer give to others
out of obligation, control, or fear, but because we want to give.
Once we begin to take better care of ourselves, we can begin to
give to others in healthier ways.

God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

Y walks around the home with his head hanging. I am not sure how to deal with my feelings around his rage.
Working my program around it all.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Having compassion

Beautiful day today full of sun on one side of the bay and fog on the other...
Drove to work on a new project which is finally going better after some talking to
the other person about his behavior and disregard for my direction. At one point I emailed him
several times for the same change order which he did not follow through on.
After this I told him to please not continue working on the project.
It was a long night of frustration but in the morning I felt like something had broken through...
Turning it over time and time again in my endless obsession on how badly I was being treated.
This was a childhood pattern that developed as most promises were not kept, too many drinks too many lovers to please by my parents. But life and the jagged edges are softening in my world today.

Just for today I can reach into more current peaceful states and have it guide me with the help of Alanon.
 I thought that if I didnt get help soon my life would slip further and further into depression. Having compassion for myself and others in my daily struggles.

Meditation is central to Discovering the Heart of Buddhism, as it deepens and stabilises our exploration of our experience. The simplicity of being that we discover in meditation spills over into our lives, and this natural process is helped by pausing to reconnect with our awareness during the day.

“It isn’t what happens to us that causes us to suffer; it’s what we say to ourselves about what happens.” ~Pema Chodron

The science of self-compassion
So what is self-compassion? What does it mean exactly?
Kristin Neff’s new book, <a href=“http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061733512?ie=UTF8&tag=gregooscicen-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0061733512”><i>Self-Compassion</i> (William Morrow, 2011)</a>.Kristin Neff's new book, Self-Compassion (William Morrow, 2011).

As I’ve defined it, self-compassion entails three core components. First, it requires self-kindness, that we be gentle and understanding with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgmental. Second, it requires recognition of our common humanity, feeling connected with others in the experience of life rather than feeling isolated and alienated by our suffering. Third, it requires mindfulness—that we hold our experience in balanced awareness, rather than ignoring our pain or exaggerating it. We must achieve and combine these three essential elements in order to be truly self-compassionate.

Sunday, August 11, 2013


This week was a bad carnival ride. It was just one thing after another. Fortunate for me I am able to reach out to my sponsor, go to meetings, read and work the program. My sponsor is wise woman and I admire her determination and wisdom regarding her recovery.
During my worst times she has been there anchoring me into the program. It has been life changing having the program there for me when I am at my worst and my best.
HP will always be there for me. Trusting that HP will guide me in the most difficult situations.
Needing a Holiday. I might grab my tent and head for the mountain springs.
It's relaxing soaking in hot water and then jumping into a cold spring.
Wakes you up into the moment that is for sure.

Lady Day

for Billie Holiday
Lady could pour you a song,
Coffee and a little cream.
Stir it the whole night long
Into a brown-sugar dream.

Lady could wrap you a note
Up in a velvet night
Sometimes Manhattan satin,
Always Harlem delight.

Lady Day could sing it
Like nobody ever has
At the Shim Sham Club, Hot Cha Cha,
Joints that swung on jazz.

Her bittersweet songs told Heartbreak,
Meet your sister Pain,
But Lady melted yesterdays
Into beautiful rain.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Working out just fine

Foggy weekend took me into a sad place but ok. I felt it but didnt attach all the way. My niece living with us
is moving tomorrow after one month. It was a challenge but it all worked out in the end.
I attached to wanting things to turn out a certain way.
When letting go and trusting HP has a plan it freed me up to be with her in the moment more.
It went fine couple times it got tricky but it all worked out just fine.

In meditation this Friday there was a second of peace that I rested in...but then when I want it more and more it disappears. But then in the back i felt fear it was just around the corner in a small voice but there..
Not running from it like I have in the past maybe I can examine it and learn more.
Working with a sponsor and turning to the program has embraced me to experience more.

"Nothing we see and hear is perfect. But right there in the imperfection is perfect reality".
Suzuki Roshi

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Finding Happiness

I dont read my blogs as much as I did in the beginning of my program days.
But I still come to it weekly to check others writings. It is still an important part of my recovery reaching out getting honest...mainly to realize that I am not alone in my sufferings. There are others out there that
also share in my struggles and that it can change. It has moved into a calmer life for me.
One day at a time it can for you also. It is important still for me to attend meetings, work with a sponsor and work the steps.

"We, too, were lonely
and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no
situation is really hopeless and that it is possible for
us to find contentment, and even happiness, whether
the alcoholic is still drinking or not.”

Sunday, July 14, 2013


Tonight I went to meditation. It was calming despite the comment made from a member who was struggling with suicidal thoughts.
Witnessing his pain without fixing him was freeing.
Suffering and the release from suffering

Friday, June 7, 2013


Making a Fist

    We forget that we are all dead men conversing wtih dead men.
                                                                  —Jorge Luis Borges

For the first time, on the road north of Tampico,
I felt the life sliding out of me,
a drum in the desert, harder and harder to hear.
I was seven, I lay in the car
watching palm trees swirl a sickening pattern past the glass.
My stomach was a melon split wide inside my skin.

“How do you know if you are going to die?”
I begged my mother.
We had been traveling for days.
With strange confidence she answered,
“When you can no longer make a fist.”

Years later I smile to think of that journey,
the borders we must cross separately,
stamped with our unanswerable woes.
I who did not die, who am still living,
still lying in the backseat behind all my questions,
clenching and opening one small hand.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


Settled tonight after a couple of hard days. Y has  confronted his brother who wronged him with money.
 My Y is finally speaking up but we are playing a price with little sleep last night. I believe there are things that I still like about Y brother and other behaviors that I don't particularly care for.  I keep the focus on myself and what I can do to keep my side of the street clean.
Not being a doormat is showing up for myself by taking action
going to a meeting calling a friend reading literature

Monday, May 13, 2013


Grateful for my life. These days I feel some serenity a gift of the program.
Turning it all over to HP while doing the footwork

Saturday, April 20, 2013

God Box

Grateful for my life. Feeling unsettled the past couple days. Things I have said that were not kind have started to circle over and over in my thoughts.
Letting go and turning it over into the God Box

Maybe it’s about turning one’s attention from what’s holding us enthralled. Maybe it gives us a little room and a sense of fresh air, and with that comes some kind of healing breath. Maybe it gets us to stop looking in the one direction where we think the mountain is going to rise up before us, and so instead, with our minds free to wander and bob, we notice pathways and even airy glades we hadn’t see before. I do not have any idea how it works…Anne Lemott

Wednesday, April 10, 2013


Relaxing tonight reading a few  recovery blogs. I feel grateful that for me recovery is interesting and a way of life that has given me enormous gifts. Today was beautiful sunny and warm. I took a walk along the ocean feeling so lucky to live so close to the water.
Had some set backs yesterday with an anxiety attack on the way to a meeting. It caused my vision to be affected so onward to home I drove. When these attacks happen it is as if surrender is the only option and it is the only choice.
1. turning it over to HP and also doing footwork.

My birthday is coming up next week.
Planning on some yoga for myself, nice dinners, and  meetings.
This sounds like a wonderful time.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Full days

My days have been full, serenity has entered my life again after working the program.
It's not that I have a super happy Doris Day kind of life it has to do with my tools. Just for today
I am able to let serenity enter and stay for a while.
My nephew has been staying with us for a month. He is helping Y at his job and in return we pay him
with letting him stay rent free. Seeing him become an adult has lifted my spirits.
Watching my own life unfold as I age is challenging. I keep thinking about botox injections with fillers.
This is life no stopping it the days have built upon one another.
My HP is guiding me I can let go and trust that all will work out as it is supposed to.
Y has been loving toward me lately, I have to say not depending on his good moods to keep me happy is freeing me.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Let God do the work

The day was nice and full with a little too many activities scheduled. I had a big breakfast with the nephew hopped into the car for the flea market. Precious old items on tables lined the flat base as large cargo ships
rolled past. I enjoyed spending time with our nephew, he is a considerate boy. There are times I treat him
too much like a friend and think a boundary is good for both of us.
He has been through a similar crazy childhood filled with a drug addict father shooting up cocktails from the pharmacy. It's something he doesn't like to talk about so I keep quiet.
Instead I try to encourage him.
Bringing this up when others don't ask for addict information is bad timing. They may never bring it up so I learn to  let God carry them.

Al Anon is for people who want it rather than people who need it.

Step 6  Be willing, Be ready and let God do the work

My days are feeling fuller with less anxiety. In Jan. it was 5 years again in the program for this I am grateful.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.

Feeling content tonight reading and relaxing. MY BIL and family has recently returned from his other home.
He is rubbing me the wrong way, I have to make sure my expectations aren't getting in the way. 
Some of his  behaviors are disturbing and how do I take care of myself around this?
Taking care of me means setting my boundaries about what is acceptable behavior.
B is a heavy drinker and his problem seems to be getting worse over the years.
Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it.
Tonight I am going to take the focus off him and keep the focus on what I need to take care of myself.
Detach with love.
HP has a plan and I don't have to figure it out.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

good times

Wishing I could write more in my blog  but so much happening just doesnt seem to be enough time.
It's a struggle to learn to make time in my life. My family raced to everything as soon as we got out of bed.
So many things to get accomplished in one day. One of the gifts of the program is being able to take time out every once in a while.
Breathe relax smile
try to meditate for at least five minutes once a day
My family came to visit after twenty years and then left again.
There were good times despite my sadness about how I wish things could be for us.
We have created something else and that is fine also.
My brothers Oxicotiyn addiction has robbed him of his old self.
He was very aggressive at times I just tried to keep it simple and to stand up for myself when it was needed.
Grateful for my life
it is damn good
being sober

Sunday, February 10, 2013


Feeling settled tonight relaxing reading blogs. Wonderful dharma talk tonight on dukkha. 

Dukkha (PāliSanskritduḥkhaTibetan sdug bsngal) is a Buddhist term commonly translated as "suffering", "stress", "anxiety", or "dissatisfaction". Dukkha is identified as the first of the Four Noble Truths.
Within the Buddhist tradition, dukkha is commonly explained according to three different patterns or categories. In the first category, dukkha includes the obvious physical suffering or pain associated with giving birth, growing old, physical illness and the process of dying. These outer discomforts are referred to as the dukkha of ordinary suffering (dukkha-dukkha). In a second category, dukkha also includes the anxiety or stress of trying to hold onto things that are constantly changing; these inner anxieties are called the dukkha produced by change (vipariṇāma-dukkha). The third pattern or category of dukkha refers to a basic unsatisfactoriness pervading all forms of life because all forms of life are impermanent and constantly changing. On this level, the term indicates a lack of satisfaction, a sense that things never measure up to our expectations or standards. This subtle dissatisfaction is referred to as the dukkha of conditioned states (saṃkhāra-dukkha).

turning it all over to Hp
We are having a nephew stay with us for a few days. It's nice to have him around such a nice young man.
He is a good person. There are times when I want more privacy but I try and remember to speak my truth kindly so as not to get a resentment brewing.
My H has a nice family but they can be too people pleasing to each other. This causes problems.
grateful for the program

Friday, February 1, 2013

Wild And Precious Life

Tonight the meeting spoke of Happiness and Buddhas Brain. The speaker had a cold and his voice cracked as he spoke of the isolation of addiction, wanting love and to love, and the difficulties and joy of his life. Sitting in a room full of people on a Friday night it was a beautiful experience all of us silent in meditation and then speaking on recovery.

I still fumble when talking of myself nothing I say seems to convey my feelings. This feeling will probably stay with me for my life, feeling unable to articulate my true self. The more I sit with myself I show up for the authentic self hidden but still there under everything.

Someone once asked Suzuki Roshi, “Roshi, what’s the most important thing?” and he answered, “To find out what’s the most important thing.” 

I’d like to share with you a poem by Mary Oliver called “Summer Day.”
Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Making the most out of my life

Feeling calm despite the chaos surrounding me tonight. Recently at a meeting someone mentioned her husband went out again on opiads but was calmly sitting in a meeting 6 months pregnant. I was stunned to find her in such good condition. But this brought to my attention one area of my life could be out of kilter but other areas can be working. Keep the focus on what is working instead of what is not working.
Taking care of myself can mean going to a meeting, calling my sponsor, working the steps and turning it over to HP.
There is a plan in the universe I can turn it over.

I was very upset with my family at this same meeting feeling out of sorts and well....kind of mentally ill.
Life had let me down again one more time. I felt whatever I did it was being misunderstood.
But I remembered there is also a choice here in this moment. How am I going to rest in this place?
Being a victim letting this old storyline guide me but yet again?

Going to a meeting and making phone calls my day shifted into more manageable feelings.
This too shall pass. Life is a series of events some good some not so good but in the end it is my life.
I was given a precious life and I like to make the most of it by choosing to show up and do the best I can.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us, and the power to carry that out.

Saturday, January 19, 2013


Feeling more settled with my feelings tonight. Went to a meeting today which grounded me back into myself.
Being around my family I turn over my life to keep others happy and content. I have to take care of D first then from my well I can give to others.

Setting boundaries is hard for me I feel guilty taking care of myself. They are here for 3 weeks beforehand I talked to my brother letting him know this was a long time. We agreed they would stay in a hotel after a week. After our trip to Yosemite my mom and brother checked into a hotel nearby. I slept well for the first time in a week, they wake up at 3:30 A pounding around making coffee and chatting. Really 3:30 A is too early for most folks but this is what they do. I then asked them to put a coffee pot downstairs so we wouldnt hear them first thing in the morning. They didn't like this and shamed me for asking to get my needs met.
My brother will try to shame me with poor behavior, this trip I try to choose to ignore it unless it just gets to be too much. It has gotten to be too much on a couple of occasions.

But there have been good moments to remember and I will try to keep this in my memory.

Boundaries are difficult for me to keep but I truly believe they are helping me.

Detaching with love

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Oldest living things


Seems as though some of my Holiday Posts ended up where they should not have gone.
That is ok sometimes things end up where you don't want them.
Today was a migraine day partially anyway. I have not had a migraine in a couple of weeks.
This was great! I was used to having migraines 2 a week. Lots to be grateful for today.
My medication was at hand popped a pill and in one hour I could somewhat walk. A wonderful friend gave me a 10 minute neck massage it was just as if an angel came with soft wings.
Grateful for a friend such as this I hope someday to be able to extend this gesture out into the world.
Compassion for others is a practice worth keeping around.
Step 1 I am powerless over many things in my life but I still have choices.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

It has been a busy time with the Holidays, jobs and meetings. I would like to let go of what the Holidays should be and accept them for what they are. In some ways it is just too hard for me to look  inside
of feelings from the old days. H is acting up again as he usually does during Holidays. But how much do I play into this madness? Keep the focus on me and not what he is doing. I get  caught up in how much he hurts me, the victim.


Nice day,  the sky was filled with floating  long puffy clouds. I woke up drinking a nice strong cup of tea with steamed soy. Y's mom has sent a big jar of quince jam from overseas.
She is getting old and wants Y to visit her one last time. He rarely will take vacations feeling guilty he hasnt visited her often enough. I will let Y worry for himself, HP is watching him probably from one of those long puffy clouds.
My life is getting better more solid moments of serenity. I wear my tool belt at my hip ready for action.
I still want people to love and care for me the way I want to be loved and cared for.
Lately I noticed at the end of a meeting feeling needs come up. I want things to work my way.
They dont work out like I want. This is an old pattern working from childhood. Waiting for love and care.
It just didnt come...I waited
Finally I bottomed out and got to the meetings and these feelings pop up on occasion.

1. I am powerless
I want to control and get my needs met by others.
Caring for myself is not easy sometimes.
Turning it all over

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Step one

Happy New Year. I ended up in 2 meetings today...one to help a friend just out of  monastery living and then  tonight cause I am the snack keeper.  Both meetings made me feel alive and involved in my life and with others. It is a gift that today I was smiling at the new year. This is a good thing as many times I sat in meetings feeling alot and hanging on to it all. One of my favorite sayings...feelings arent facts.
Meditation has also helped me let go of what circles in my brain.
Tonight I noticed again my irritability concerning someone in the rooms, I know this lady very well.
Finally by stepping out and watching I realize what triggers me with her. The constant
attention she seeks from men, even in the rooms. She is not as good as my mother but close..
The addiction to sex and love will trigger me every time.
Praying for her and myself to have willingness to let her be and I don't have to fix her.
Yes this is true but I dont have to be around it also.

I have watched my sponsee blossom in the past year this also makes me smile.

Life is good despite my disappointments. Glad I dont have to hang on to the negative feelings as they too can pass. On a good day they dont even rest on this page.

1.I am powerless