Monday, March 23, 2009

Grateful for Discovery

This was an interesting weekend a couple of things occured that enlightened me as to how the program wakes you up...I have suffered from migranes all my life, where I have to lay in bed the pain is so horrific. With the realization that I have migranes and (not the flu, a cold or some mysterious illness) and can do something about it with medication is miraculous. I could feel the pains of the migrane settling in on Saturday, my vision became affected. We were invited to a party
and I wanted to go for my husband, it was his New Year. I called a friend and she advised me to take a migrane pill, the whole pill which I did and low and behold the migrane went away. This is learning to take care of myself. Yes it is...Yea Yea
this is just so fuckin great to have this gift and to give myself credit.
It is so difficult to live with bad health I am learning though to take care of my body better. I have be bed ridden for many days trying to recover.
"By attending to our physical needs, we go a long way to making our lives more manageable" How Alanon works.
I want to start and sock myself in the chops with why did this take so long?
But I am damn glad to have the experience, strength and hope of the program to guide me along the road of self discovery in Alanon.
Alcholism is a three fold disease
1. Treating ourselves well
2. Our Physical Health
3. Our Mental and Emotional Health
1. HP
2. Program
3. Husband
4. Medication ( especially for migranes) just for today who knows it could be something else tommorrow
5. Laughter

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Taking Care of myself

Sunday this is one of the days of the week I often have a frantic feeling waking up and hoping lonliness does not creep into my day. What can I do? Who can I call? I run from feeling I will be left out and alone. When did these feelings begin?
In grade school I began to detach from my feelings and shut down this is when I also experienced lonliness.
Leaving the core of who you are is leaving yourself feeling abodnded and detached from your authentic life. I was sad as a kid
and I would walk for miles in the woods alone. This gave me alot of joy just stopping to gaze at a small river, mushrooms and walnuts laying on the ground. There was a deep relief I gained from my walks.
Today I still love to walk forget and step one foot in front of the other. No thoughts just the walk.
So I jumped into the car and left home in search of a meeting, anger began to cloak my day. Y was making me
upset he was downstair smoking I have to yell down to get any kind of acknowlegment. Y, I yell over and over throughout the day hoping he will come up and spend some time with me. He doesnt it is very upsetting for me as it is neglectful and passive aggresive behviour.
Step by step taking care of myself is one of the program calls I make.
" At some point in our recovery, most of us must confront our low self esteem. Years of abuse and neglect, not only by others but by ourselves, have left us with a poor self image. Sometimes we have to surrond ourselves with those who accept nad love us before we can learn to love ourselves."

Saturday, March 14, 2009

This too shall pass

Amazing how this too shall pass. Trusting in this helps me get through difficult situations, especially with my health, with my friends, with my work, with......... this seems to be reoccuring...Yes it does
I felt so much better today but I noticed I was very sensitve to what was said to me. I guess feeling vlunerable I try to protect myself, protection comes in many forms one being critical. I had two instances of my friends bothering me with comments they made to me, I wanted to defend myself. Who am I defending myself from? From feeling fragile wanting love and support.
Is this neediness I am not sure I can answer this, I think it is Ok to have needs also. Most people seem to hide from having needs
or they get them met or they hide in their homes. Yes I do know a few people who hide in their work and dont leave their homes much. I hide in my victimhood, they are out to get me and I am not sure if I should bring firearms or swords.
This is how I hide. I have to be careful who and where I go when I am physically in pain. This is an amazing insight that I have
needs and can take care of them myself. I dont have to manipulate or make someone feel guilty to help take care of me.
uhmmm oh that is hard to write down in this blog but somewhat true I am coming to realize.

The first discovery I made when I began working Step Four, “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves,” was the degree to which my resentments fueled my life.
If you have a resentment you want to be free of..
Labels: Anger, Prayer
"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Taking care of myself

Today I had a difficult day recovering from surgery, a massive migraine kept me in bed all day. It really is humbling to have to stay in bed because I cant see, or walk from the pain. This is one of the few instances I feel I can ask people for help. The phone rang off the wall yesterday with people wondering if I was Ok...
Grateful for my life today

My grandmother gave me attention when I was sick and ignored me the rest of the time. She would stroke my hair and say loving kind words. I think of her often when I dont feel well she left her mark in my life. Small, petite, firecracker of a woman.
It is hard as an adult to be sick, I really hate it. Learning to take care of myself and not someone else is a challenge for this Alanon member. Oh yea, what in the hell is this, the only way I can take care of myself to be so down and out it is the only option? Interesting insight.
Trying to focus on getting better is what I am going to do tonight. I dont have to be doing something, don't have to attach to my committee, I can just be where I am at.
"But in Al-Anon we are learning to take responsibility for tending to our needs" How Alanon works.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Experience Strength and Hope

I am proud of myself today I had surgery and it wasnt a drama.
In the past something horrible would happen to me, someone couldnt show up
someone dissapointed me. I really attribute this to working my program.
Having a sponsor and trying to practice the principals.
Last night I couldnt sleep I didnt feel nervouse but I couldnt sleep.
My mind was racing with thoughts, the fellas were ready to get the committee started.
My mother didnt call hasnt since I left home at 18...big abodonment really has been a huge hole for me. I did not have parenting, love and affection after I left home at 18. That was it no more from her. So my mind wants to ride the show pony on this one as it really has validity. What will this do for me? To keep me feeling sorry and sad...Where does this take me? It takes me down a sorry lane, but program people have helped me fill some of this void. They listen to my life and offer their experience strength and hope. To expose my inner life to the public
1. Calm life
2. Program
3. Spiritual life
4. Husband
5. Health
6. home
7. Live in a wonderful city SF

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Every Sunday I try to share some of my recovery work. Currently I am in a buddhist 3 month intensive recovery program.
So I try to show up the best I can it's difficult sometimes. Things have gotten better for me coming back to the program after an absence. Why did I stop going to meetings? I am not sure myself, things were getting better for me. I think my identity was and still it tied into being the sick one, the poor me and when that is lessened my ego struggles to gain it back.
One day at a time...One day one second sometimes
I am not alone this is really a miracle, Alanon. I am not alone there are others who have been given this program.
So grateful to have a place for my life the feelings I am weaving together. Leaving myself to survive my childhood as an adult I
struggled to put it all together. But it comes slowly but it comes.
Today I went to get a massage to take care of myself. It felt so empowering to drive to the appointment and yes plop my body down on the table to recieve an incredible massage. I did not feel guilty I felt good to take care of myself.
My husband did some shopping and it was Ok he can do some errands and I dont have to feel guilty, although I still manage to squeek out some self hatred.
1. For My Life lived to the fullest with alot of trail and errors
2. Program, spiritual path
3. Health
4. I have a Home that is warm and in a safe neighborhood

In Step one we learn we didn't cause the disease of alcoholism we cant control it we cant cure it. The three c's

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Meditation can be

More will be revealed
I had a meditation retreat this weekend. It was very painful sitting in the room.
I cant seem to share in the room my needs get buried deep. I cant seem to bring them forth or I will be abondoned.
Want to people please, want to have my own identity but feel I can't they wont understand me....Geez after all these years..Wanting to be close but feeling there will be a price ...The price is I cant be my authentic self it will be destroyed.
I try to turn it over, walk through it slowly, not to abondon myself.
It feels good to be in a room with people I have a 3 month relationship with, they can't leave they have a committment just like me.
"For Example, if we have to be helpful and tuned into parental needs at all times, our own confusion, anger and helplessness, and desire for nuturance will get buried, only to resurface in intimate relationships. Too Close For Comfort by Geraldine Piorkowski

Headland Center for Arts