Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Simple yet full

Christmas was nice simple and yet full. But I do feel tweaked at different times, just go off the phone with a friend. Feeling left out and less than. No one has a right to these feelings. But it is a good
indicator of what I have felt before from this person in the past. Step back and not react. I felt myself shutting down. hurt.
Life is suffering it is how I deal with this suffering that sets me free.

Getting ready for the new year full of more experiences. I have a life that is precious

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Beautiful day today spent my morning at the Zen Center in the country.
Full sun along the beach, tilled fields and hopes of salmon spawning in the creek that runs from the ocean.
Lots of effort is spent for the fish to come back again.
I enjoyed spending time with an old friend and confessing some of my character defects.
Wanting my mother to wake up and become the woman I envision. This awakening 
will mostly not happen and needing to keep the focus on my life. My job was to care take her needs and forget my own needs. Today I have choices and the ability to have compassion for both of us.
I search for compassion toward her. 
Grateful for a  warm friend today who was there for me when I needed a kind word.

My old feelings of loneliness are popping up here and there. This is part of my disease.
Going to meetings, calling my sponsor, and reaching out the newcomer. I forget sometimes to reach out
to the newcomer I was needing a kind word when I first arrived.

When you forgive me for harming you, you decide not to retaliate, to seek no revenge. You don’t have to like me. You simply unburden yourself of the weight of resentment and cut the cycle of retribution that would otherwise keep us ensnarled in an ugly samsaric wrestling match. This is a gift you can give us both, totally on your own, without my having to know or understand what you’ve done. Buddhist thought

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Showing up for myself

Nice to be at home quietly my husband is visiting his Mom. It's good to have alone time. In the past I didn't know how to be alone with myself. I was constantly doing, going, leaving, anything to escape the feelings.
Today I can sit with myself in silence  and enjoy the serenity. This is one of the miracles they talk about in the rooms. Learning to take care of selves and be present for others out of my abundance.

Yesterday I experienced another migraine with my husband being out of town I was a little frightened.
I lost my sight for a few hours. Just kept calm as much as possible meditating helped to ground me.
Reached out to my sister it was a mistake. She is not much of a nurturer.
 I mourn the damage alcoholism has caused our family. I wanted L to be someone who she isnt.
She is who she is I can't change her.  Learning to care for others where they are at and myself where I am at.
Huge lesson for me.

Having a meditation practice is a way of fully entering your life, without reservation. When you meditate, when you sit and notice without assessing how you’re doing, you just show up for your life. In the moment of meditation, nothing is required of you. It’s enough to be here on the planet, to experience a moment of presence, to fully honor the gift of being alive. And it is a gift, one that just comes to you. You don’t have to ask.

If we don't show up for our own life, we tend to ask other people to fill in the bits we won't show up for. That makes it hard on them. So love begins with really showing up. And practice helps. It’s a way of not dodging the difficult, painful bits. It’s also not dodging the beauty and the marvel of life, the wonder and our capacity to connect to others. Love starts there.