Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Had a wonderful evening went to see a new show at the Museum. We have Friday nights
that are open with music, lectures and a local artist. It was packed tonight premiering a Spanish designer. I love meetings but it is also important sometimes to have fun outside the rooms.

There was alot of growth for me yesterday. One of my friends? is bottoming out and she does not drink nor do drugs. I seem to draw this situation into my life. Guess I need to look at my part in the problem. W has a large storage unit and added another small unit, one has alot of antiques. Due to these costs she can not afford an apartment to live in. She wants to live free off people to pay the storage. It is sad to watch her tumble and fall right now. Yesterday she hinted for me to pay her storage fee I didn't take the bait. HP is there for her as he is for everyone. I listened as she spoke of how everyone let her down and she is having bad luck right now. I wanted to advise her and tell her what she needs to do to change her life. I held my tongue and said a couple of times is that so? I do care for her and have helped her as much as I feel comfortable. She will be ok in time I do believe this she is not an addict. It is important not to become too attached to her story and forget my life. I find myself doing this even as I write about it tonight.

After speaking with her it was time for my meeting. I entered feeling sad,disconnected to the other women in the group. Taking care of myself is still uncomfortable. I want to jump into being the old me care taking then wanting them to eventually take care of me, they can't take care of me as I need and then I will be full of resentments. The disease has a hold of my life again.

I turn my life over to HP there is a plan for it all. I don't have to figure it all out.

I like the loving kindness mediation in Buddhism. This practice begins with the meditator cultivating loving-kindness towards themself,[7] then their loved ones, friends, teachers, strangers, enemies, and finally towards all sentient beings.

HP has love for all beings
It's a mysterious world

Monday, March 21, 2011

Sister in laws

Despite all the past bad events with my sister in law I had a wonderful night with her.
The program has helped my relationship with her tremendously. She just couldn't and wouldn't take my advice in the past...I look back and realize my disease was running the show.
She wanted us to take care of her and I gladly jumped into the role.
Then when she also wanted my Husband to come into the caretaker role it really irked me.
Resentments were close at hand. It was not a good place for me to be in. I was never enough for her although I was trying in my people pleasing way to make her life comfortable even at the expense of my serenity.

I merge with people who are close to me. It is very uncomfortable for me I dont want to be someones everything but I feel this is my job..or I used to feel this. It was also hard for me to look women in the eye sometimes I am still unsure why this would occur guess it had to do with being uncomfortable in my skin..My relationship with my mother was too close too much information was shared with me at a young age. She tried her best with what she had. Today I dont have much of a relationship with her. With time and the tools of the program maybe some sliver between us can begin.

Tonight with my sister in law and the help of the program the dinner was wonderful. When she arrived to stay in SF I was glad to see her and stepped back and let her take care of herself. This means I don't call her everyday, try not to gossip about other family members and to let her take care of herself. Detach with love toward her.
"I am a separate person with the responsibility and right to live my own life and make my own choices and to experience the consequences or rewards from them. Your loved one has the responsibility and right to live his/her own life and make his/her own choices and to experience the consequences or rewards from them. You can learn how to care about your loved one and still live your own life by detaching with love." Borrowing this quote from another sums up my feelings.

For my HP all else follows from my spiritual path

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Life has a way

Enjoying my night listening to my favorite radio show playing international music. It is one of my weekly joys to sit at home turn off everything but the show, make a fire, and listen. The announcer is incredibly informative traveling extensively throughout the world collecting music. I have loved traveling taking myself out of my safe world and into the unknown. With all my crazy behavior I am grateful I had the courage to begin traveling at a young age.

I could not wait to leave my home as a young kid. My first trips were to camps, then to England and eventually I left for college in Europe and worked in Africa, Asia and the Middle East. As long as I was not present for the insanity then I was safe. With time my Alanon disease progressed it became obvious the trips were to run away from myself. There were many times choices I made were dangerous and I could have ended up in very bad situations. HP had other plans for me. I hoped to live a deeper more meaningful life with the program this slowly is materializing.
Life has a way of working out just the way it was supposed to.

Today it is nice to know I have choices in the way I respond to situations. I am no longer a child living in fear. Tonight my husband was in a bad mood as the evening progressed his mood worsened. He is going to bed angry. It is not possible for me to make him feel any better..
I have a choice in how I am going to respond to his baiting comments. It makes me sad he cant be happier but I am not able to make him feel better. In the past I used his comments to make my evening serene or miserable. My feelings were dependent on those around me. This is a way I would leave my life also by piggybacking on others moods to express my own rage.
I can pray tonight for Y wishing him joy, peace and serenity....
Learning how to take care of myself
Life is precious I thank HP for my life
The fire is still burning although outside is raining

Monday, March 14, 2011

Step 11

Tonight we spoke of Step 11..The talk was thoughtful and funny. I enjoy laughing in the rooms at some of the stories that were shared. The speaker spoke of praying for your enemies.
He had rage and anger toward his ex girlfriend. Finally his sponsor got tired of hearing about this storyline and asked him to pray for her. Eventually things shifted for him toward his ex, he could think of her without rage. He considered this shift of feelings one of his first spiritual experiences.

The rage and anger I have only feeds my addiction. My neighbor is a good example of feeding the fire of resentments. They run a cabinet shop out of their home and work with toxic paint fumes. Our homes are attached when paints are sprayed in one area they spread through the walls of other homes. Day and night I would smell paint fumes, in the kitchen, bedroom, and living room.
I confronted them they lied about the paints. I began to doubt what I smelled and I didnt see the cabinets leave their home. My other neighbor confirmed seeing large cabinets leave their home at 6 am. I set up my camera taping the cabinets leave the home confirming what I smelled.
They did not stop entirely but it slowed things down. This for me was good enough but when I would see the Mrs my thoughts were steered toward rage. This is when I began to practice my program in a new way, praying for her at night. I wished her life to be peaceful and calm. The prayers took about two weeks plenty of rage was stored up but things shifted.
Eventually When she would stare at me I didnt look back at her full of revenge filled thoughts.
Things change with time, they still live next door. I wouldnt call them friends but I dont wait till they leave so I can walk out the front door of my home.

Resentment destroys the program and keeps the addiction alive. Practicing lovingkindness meditation helps keep me clear. This can shift my outlook toward life. More will be revealed as I work the program.

1. HP is there by my side
2. 12 steps give an depth to my experience
3. My husband is a good man glad I made a choice to try and work things out

Tuesday, March 8, 2011


Tonight I am not feeling well so I sit resting in bed reading. I enjoy reading my recovery blogs, 12 buddhist work and listening to podcasts. It gives me relief. On reflection it is nice to stay in the moment with meditation. Not having to do... is ok with me also tonight.

Learning to take care of myself when I am sick is recovery. In the past guilt and would arise if I did something for D. I was weak when I took time to take care of me.

I am learning what I can do to make myself feel better.
How do I use the pain in my life to liberate me.
Reading my last blog indicates ongoing fear I have in my life.
Listening to this podcast helps.
thought i would share this with others.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Emotions are habits

Today was difficult it unfolded well and then things started to turn. The morning was nice I had breakfast with Y and began to plan my day. This began the spin ...and feelings of being alone, unloved and full of despair presented it's face. When I sink into this place not much can bring me's as if I sink into a hole and the more I try to get out the deeper I sink. I try and run from my feelings which makes matters worse. Detaching is key to helping relieve me of "Lourdes." She so desperately wants and clings to this suffering.
She wants to be loved and hates herself for wanting ....Attaching, Clinging She reaches out to people who are narcissistic like her mother. This is when the rejection begins..And the hole is dug deeper. Expecting situations to be different than they are. It's an expectation of what I want from my day.

There is a certain amount of compulsivity with this behavior. It is embarrassing after working such a strong program accepting where I am is acceptance and love toward myself. I reach into my toolbox but can't find the right wrench..
Alanon is my ally and teacher. Feeling better tonight searching for serenity. This too shall pass nothing remains the same.
HP has a plan for me. Learning and growing from my experiences.

Buddhism teaches
From a Buddhist point of view it is not the case that emotions “just happen”. Emotions are habits, and are actively created. It seems like they have a life of their own because we aren’t conscious of exactly how we create them. If we can bring more awareness into our emotional life then we can cultivate the emotions we want to experience (those that make us and others happy), and discourage the arising of those we don’t want (those that make us unhappy and generate conflict with others).

please see that you're already perfect in the first place, all that goes on here are experiences. you create the divison and thus the suffering

It gives me great relief to read recovery blogs and Buddhist writing.