Sunday, January 31, 2010

taking care of myself

Tonight I made a big pot of meatballs and spaghetti with an organic sauce.
We invited our niece, her husband and their 2 year old son.
In the past I would cook a complicated meal with a desert and drink plenty of good wine to ease the tension. But tonight I kept it simple and didnt have to drink to
ease the tension. I took care of myself and didnt overdo it to create a resentment.
This is the program working learning to take care of myself.
This means not making the fancy desert and sitting down when I feel tired.
1. HP has a plan for me.
2. Life unfolds as it is supposed to

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Step 4

Good meeting tonight in Alanon. I havent been to the Thursday night in a while so it was appreciated.
We read Step 4 in all it's glories is the word that comes to mind.

I have been moving the Blue Print for Progress around for a couple of months. I do believe the 98 pages has me a little
overwhelmed. It seems so little of the old me remains will it all wash away with this step? fears
The Ego holding on to who I am.
I grew up with alot of the unknowns...not sure if D was coming home wasted out of his mind or not.
Today I have my H who works in his office from morn till night fall. It does hurt me he spends so little time
just talking with me. But I cant go the poor me syndrom it does not help anyone mainly me.
What can I do to take care of D?
Show up for my life, learn to keep the focus on myself.
Oh the old ways they do come creeping in like bad nightmares.
1. HP comes day and night
2. Step 4 and the willingness
3. I like blood oranges
4. Good friends
5. Alanon makes my life so much more

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Monday, January 25, 2010

Shutting down

Great recovery meeting tonight at the Zen Center.
The talk was the past, the speaker then lifted up a photo of himself at 7 years old. He then dscribeed to the group when he started feeling that he didn't belong. Oh yes I can remember exactly the moment I realized that things were getting out of control in my life. I was around 10 years old laying in bed not feeling good, depressed. It was then I knew I would have to start shutting down my feelings they were causing me to feel bad, no one was there to guide me. So that is what I did that day, I left my true self and splintered like a bad piece of furniture. The depression only got worse shutting down didn't seem to help me.

I had to raise my brothers and sisters and did the best a 10 year old could put together. My parents did the best they could also at the time.
I felt very alone and overwhelemed with the adult situations I had to cope with.
Keeping my mohther feeling Ok was a big job if she collapsed things would get real ugly. We all coped with her whispered phone calls to her lovers that lasted for hours some days. This was my childhood in Merriam.

But today I am grateful I have the program, a sponsor and the 12 steps that can help guide me through my life one day at a time. The program help guides me thourgh my life. Today I have choices and people in the rooms sharing thier experience strength and hope.This gives me such relief to know that there are others out there who also have experienced the same insanity that I was raised with and then recreated in my adulthood.

"I don't have to feel alone. I can go to a meeting. or pick up the phone-there is always somebody to reach out in Alanon."

HP shares love with all
12 step Zen meetings have given me so much good recovery
Books keep me feelin good
The voices today are small
I like blood oranges

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart".
Carl Jung

Thursday, January 21, 2010

let go and relax

Went to an event tonight to support an elderly woman in her late 8o's. I met her in Yoga didn't really like nor dislike her but shared a year with her in the class.
Tonight they held a retrospect of her photo career from the 1950 to the 80's which focused around civil and labor rights.I saw a side of her that was not revealed in her later life. She shined as she entered the library, smiling and laughing with her old friends.
I was able to show up and not be late due to my husbands needs and my inability to stand up for myself. Though now I look back on some instances and wonder if situations haven't been chosen to act out "a sick need for abandonment". But today was different I felt a comfort in how I treated myself.
I gave rides to several people and set boundaries with them on when I wanted to be at the library and when I wanted to leave. My friend brought her alcholic boyfriend and I didn't stare at him judging his behaviors.
I took care of myself and let others take care of themselves. Wow
Today I have choices about my life.
I can use my time to do something good for myself. One of my primary responsibilities
is to take care of myself. I will find a small way to do something for my mind, body, and spirit.
For HP's
the Alanon program is there for me always
for chocolate bars
Still raining my garden needs it for next year
for forgiveness
for me life as it stands today

part of my recovery is respecting my need and my right to let go and relax.
In All Our Affairs

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Rain fell off and on all day leaving me feel like staying indoors. I brought in a small heater into my office and worked off and on through the morning. Rain seems to settle me sometimes and leaves me feeling calm.

I have nice memories of past rain storms.
My grandmother loved rain and would sit by the window watching it's downpour telling stories. She particularly liked thunderstorms and would praise the crash and flashes of light crossing the sky. She was an old timer and water was important for life as it still is today.

My meeting schedule is off right now. But I am feeling OK, tonight the committee in my head is quiet. Last night I went to a movie with a friend. She has lost quite a bit recentely including her car. She lives a very frugal life due to money issues and bad planning. Time is also not one of her strong points and I know this. We ran late as usual to the movie. It is very difficult to find parking in the city and we circled endlessly looking for a space. She was frantic but I just let myself be calm and turned it over to god..For some reason it worked last night. Where she is doesn't have to be where I am emotionally.
I know where my friend stands with time, I don't expect a different result.
And where am I at in all this? Is she someone I can fix?
Do I seek this out in a friendship? Interesting to look at my motives.
She is also a very talented, interesting and caring person.
Just for tonight think I will go to bed and sleep.
1. HP is within us all
2. Rain is calming for me
3. Appreciation of the simple things
4. For vinegar it really is a wonderful thing
5. The Coen brothers are a crazy bunch
"All men's miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone"
Blaise Pascal

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

One Day at a time

We had a great day working on our new project. But there were a couple of instances where confrontations took place. As I was leaving home my buisness partner called me several times for an item that I felt was unncescary. I did not retrieve her messages until I was half way to our current location. I could not find the item in the past and did not want to deal with her confrontation.
I wanted to ignore and do things my way. Also I take the blame for problems that are not all of my responsibilty.

These are Alanon issues for me, it is always my fault and I will take the blame.
Guess this is one of my character defects sprouting it's wings.

What does this do for me?
My Mother and Grandmother were both married to alcoholics.
I felt sorry for their life circumstances. As a child I promised to never marry an alcoholic but instead my life veered toward a work alcoholic. My husband works 7 days a week.
What can I do today to keep my relationship to my HP alive in my life?
Work the program to the best of my ability.

1. HP has a plan
2. Life is good the best in years
3. One day at a time
"There is so much to appreciate in this life. I wont waste another moment feeling sorry for myself"

Monday, January 11, 2010


Great meditation meeting tonight at the Zen Center. The lecture was on fear and addiction. The one share I related to the most was that fear feeds the addictive process. This just struck me like a lightning bolt of realization for some reason tonight.
An older man spoke about the attachment to these thoughts determining who we are in the world. The ego wants to keep it's place in my world. An instructor I had at one point told me this was a common experience in meditation. I couldnt continue with the class my ego wouldnt let go and I left the class. Just for today i can stay in meditation now. It gives me relief I can let go more than in the past.

I have been faced with some of my character defects pretty heavy these past few weeks. This is my opportunity for growth...I really don't have a choice just turn it over to HP. It is why I got into recovery I didn't have a choice. My life was in bad shape.

I watch my mind in meditation a low level of anxiety permeates. Thoughts come and go and I try not to attach and just watch. Breathe and watch.
Lately I have begun labeling negative, fear, above the game, negative, it goes around in a spin. But the beauty is I have the ability with the help of the program to learn and grow. Nothing remains the same in life.

1. HP has a plan for me
2. Laughing it's good for the soul
3. I don't have to attach to every thought that enters my mind
4. The Zen center

Thursday, January 7, 2010

What a surprise

I just spent an hour writing a blog that dissapeared into thin air...poof just vanished
This is where I get to pratice letting go and letting god. Yes nothing is fool proof to allow for change and movement.
Life is a river we ride on boats, swim and even go on shore at times. Nice

Tonight had a good meeting. Got out and felt like my guts had been yanked out. I wanted the women to run up and hug me and tell me it would be OK. Dont worry it's going to be fine. They didn't come and hug me instead they took care of themselves. I want something more from the meetings, more care, more love. But, I let go of these feelings and show up despite myself I believe part of this feeling is my Alanon disease. Expecting someone to fill up my empty place inside. Learning to be with Dianne
is the healing...learning
Willingness to learn.

This uncomfortable edge has followed me through life. I am given an opportunity to examine it further in recovery.
Heal it or just accept it and examine feeling uncomfortable. In meditation I watch the thoughts come and go in my mind.
It is the attaching that strangles me and weighs me down. The deep part of myself is where I drown and I lie with the fear that this feeling will never leave me.

As a child I thought I would be dragged into the well with the feelings so I shut down. And in the bottom is where I hid, deep in the depths of me. It has been a struggle to find myself again the feelings are hidden.

Feels good to write and be aware of my life tonight in this moment.

1. For willingness to go to meetings
2. HP is within us all
3. That I didnt eat a hamburger today with fries
4. Life is one great crazy ride
5. music

"What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be"
Ellen Burstyn

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Everyone has a HP

With HP's help I can show up for myself, one day at a time. I feel so good despite the fact I don't have any big plans or goals for my life. The program has just allowed me to be more at peace with myself, with life's simple messages.
My world was always framed with a sense of unease and unrest within me. I am not sure what has shifted I do believe in the power of the rooms. Revealing dark secrets on a group level and then waiting for the ceiling to come crashing in on me. But the room has remained in tact despite my apprehension at times.
The critical voice is very loud these days but I don't run with it as much as I have in the past.
My niece is here visiting. She is spoiled and lives a very luxurious life. Part of me resents her lifestyle. I had alot of struggles with money when I was in college. Not only did I have to find a way to get a scholarship for myself but also for my brothers and sisters.
My niece has never had to get a job but this has really not added anything more to her world.
But I need to keep the focus on my life and not hers. Her choices are not what I should concern myself. This is part of my disease
taking care of others and then resenting them for not following my suggestions. Alanon helps me believe in myself and respect that other people are entitled to do the same.
I trust life has a plan for us all ..HP is there for each and every one of us.
Spoke up for myself and didn't drive a small child without a car seat
began to take down the decorations and didn't feel sad that the vacation was over
HP is there for the whole world
Nothing remains the same life is in constant motion