Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Not loving the spin I am in

I love the blog community it has stretched my program. Tonight I was starting to spin with an event that happened today. The obsession began and my mind was starting to play the record over and over. This is painful for me but due to the program I can interrupt the song, turn it over to god. I can't control the past by reliving the event. It has followed me all my life I grew up with my Grandmothers obsessive chatter. She was a loving but compulsive alcoholic. For years she lied to us about quitting smoking and in the end she died from lung cancer. That is how she went I stayed with her till her passing in the hospital. I loved her despite her alcholism. In Alanon I get to forgive her for her abuse at times toward me.
My life has so much to be thankful for I am sober and have days of serenity.
It is little moments that I have learned to value and hold.
"Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution"
HP comes in handy with the skipping record
12 steps
I don't have to heal my business partner but I can sympathize with her situation
Music lifts my spirits
2 Siberian pups came up to me and wanted a pat on the back

Monday, September 28, 2009

24 years

Great meeting tonight at the Zen Center, One of the speakers celebrated her 24 years of sobriety. She spoke of her 24 years in the program and her 30 years in Buddhism. She believes her meditation increased due to her sobriety. This makes sense to me hard to concentrate with a hangover....ha
I have a fear of groups but yet when I found AA I felt at home. The shares were hitting home, people trying to change their lives by showing up.
Religious groups are the most difficult for me to stomach they leave me running out the front door . Buddhist temples are kind of a creepy a place where no one smiles, but our monk does smile. I think AA has given a light touch to the Zen Center I am not sure I would stay if it wasn't connected to the program.
When I was first in the program i would visit a Zen center in the country and it really left me sour. They were so serious with their lives and I felt it was controlling. I don't want anyone telling me what to do...hell I am an addict Alanon member
I like the suggestive approach if I had a big book thumper I would run from them also. It is attraction rather than promotion.
The Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh, a Vietnamese Zen master, says "Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth."
AA has given me the chance to explore spirituality. But if I didn't have the 12 steps buddhism would not work for me.
HP is a search there are no big answers
12 steps keep me sober and showing up for myself
One day at a time
My life is getting calmer and I have some serenity

"What we learn to do we learn by doing" Aristotle

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Save your own ass

Wonderful day today it is our best time of year in northern California. I drove up north to a concert outside in 98 degree fall weather. Loved getting out into the country, ate a great meal with frozen frozen hibiscus tea.
My life is pretty good these days which I am grateful. Although one part of me lives in anxiety waiting for it to all end with one of H's rage attacks. I can feel it coming his work alcoholic days are piling up. What can I do about this? Stay present for myself and count the gratitude with my life at this moment. These rage attacks were very similar to my fathers alcoholic bursts as a child nothing could be counted on. I didn't know what to expect at nights. I have just realized the similarity to H and his rage attacks which is amazing the blogs are a great learning tool. I didn't cause, I cant cure it and I cant control it
The miracle working for me today is that I did enjoy myself I am learning to take care of me and not feel guilty. There have been many times I would have gone by myself and felt sad because H was at home. He doesn't like to go out much he works all the time. Really works. Horrible addiction but that is for him to work on I have to work on me.
Alanon is such a great program I have gotten so much in the rooms, through the literature, working the steps and having a sponsor.
It's a save your own ass program
HP works in miraculous ways
I am enjoying the steps and working on 4 at the moment
Some are sicker than others in the program but I have seen change occur slow but sure
It was amazing today I enjoyed myself with friends
Learning to enjoy my life despite some of my sadness about H not being able to be present
One second at a time
"God asks no man whether he will accept life. That is not the choice. You must take it. The only choice is how."
Henry Beecher

Thursday, September 24, 2009

So Sweet and So Cold

This Is Just To Say
by William Carlos Williams

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Had a wonderful day although I have a cold. Sometimes I have to get sick to take care of me, I often think clearer after I have been ill. It is an odd experience but makes sense my training was to take care of others to get my needs met. Alanon
The gift I get is, what is taking me down forces me to look at my inner life.
It is very freeing to have a chance to look at and be freer from the addiction, complusion and anxiety of acting out.
Yes I did have a nice day very simple in the moment experiences.
Quiet in the home and in my mind.
It is very exciting some of the architecture they are accomplishing with living walls of plants. Patrick Blanc in France is leading the way with his designs. These sculptures are incredible works of art. Plants are so healing to me, full of comfort.
My father was an avid gardener. Our family had extensive gardens and we experimented
with what to grow each year. For some reason I don't remember alot of drinking and fighting with gardening. So gardens bring me joy and good memories of our family being together.
I mowed the lawn and planted flowers around the home. My neighbor was very supportive of my gardening and encouraged me. It is nice to remember back to some of the moments
of my childhood.
It has been a struggle to grow near the ocean, with raccoons digging for worms and
gophers eating plants without wire cages. But I am learning what and how to grow.
This year I even had tomatoes which is rare here in the part of the west.
1. HP
2. Keep it simple
3. Fresh food
4. Strangers being kind to strangers
5. Dont take myself too seriously
6. Chinese herbs
8. Driving in the city doesnt trouble me too much

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Clean up

I have been wanting to get a dog lately. I like dogs but I don't want to have to clean up after them. I had a trying day at AA so this might have something to do with the dream. I hope I don't offend anyone but yes this dream was all about dog poop.

Had a strange dream last night involving dog poop yes that is correct. I was spending the night at my moms home and when I woke up early there was dog poop in my bed, in the hall and yes all over my lovely MJ shirt. I remember thinking in my dream what does this all mean? I never got a chance to see the dog, to pet the dog, but I had to still clean up.
In my dream the price I am paying with receiving love is having to clean up the mess first. I didnt even get the dog nurturing just the cleanup. Well more will be revealed tonight with maybe another dream. Hope this one will be easier to write about.
1. HP
2. AA and it's gifts and lessons
3. Taking care of myself dont feel well

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new end"
As we understand

One Day

Oh it was yet another great day in some ways and yet another test in patience towards difficult situations. My home group is really testing my serenity. I offered to be the groups GSR and it was going great until a certain woman got involved and started running the show. This experience has tested my patience, she has run her agenda toward me and her idea into the ground. Today I wanted to resign I am getting tired and really want to step out of the role it is just too much ...I always feel that I need to hang in there and make it all right for everyone but where does taking care of me fit in? I spoke to my service sponsor and he is aware of this difficult woman and knows her ways in the AA world. After 4 business meetings we are scheduled for yet another next week.
I am not sure if I will attend this meeting, my GSR position and funding has been discussed I am turning it over to HP.
HP has a plan for me and I did the footwork, my soles are wearing out.
HP has plans
12 steps step 3 turning it over
I have determination
Letting it Go
Walking out of an opera the grass was wet and it was cold
Life and its surprises
"The whole purpose of ALAnon is to help us iron out the rough spots in our living, and that can be done only one day at a time"
One Day at a time in Alanon

Friday, September 18, 2009


Beautiful day today think I will go for a run. Being a secretary for Alanon has helped me connect and go to a regular meeting.
Got to show up. Today I will meet with my sponsor and go over a step it has taken a while to connect. She is very active in the program and really puts her all into it, I may not always like her approach but I know she gives it her all.
My sponsor looks like my mother in some ways but is more present. Guess it's no mistake I asked her to guide me through the program. The program works in ways I don't always understand but I am staying around for the gifts.
My program is working these days I feel alot of serenity this is where I need to keep going to meetings, work the steps and do service.
HP and my efforts toward turning it over
The home is at peace
Learning to keep it simple and not spin it in my head
For my new photo, the portrait of a 1950 woman surfer from the flea market
The last of the tomatoes are in season and delicious
"For now try to take my problems to my HP, but i leave the solutions and the time table up to Him.
As we understood.......

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Take a break

Today was nice I woke up and it was less chatter...It has been more chatter than usual in the mornings. This is where I blog and turn it over to god in the mornings and do the footwork.
I met with a buddhist monk in recovery to talk over some problems I am looking at currently and he gave me some great advice.
1. Take a break, I don't have to be on the front line of painful lessons constantly.
Yes more is revealed I hear certain things and I feel part of my being is lost in an illusion I cant comprehend fully the concepts discussed. This is where my work lies unraveling the the illusions I have created.
Ok yes I forgot take a break.
Manjushri holds a sword in one hand and rides a tiger, Wisdom.....
For HP and moments
12 steps and the gifts
New Cameras compact size
The documentary is being infused again we need it

Manjushri's sword of discriminating wisdom is tipped with flames to show that it severs all notions of duality. It can cut away delusion, aversion and longing, to reveal understanding, equanimity and compassion.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Working the steps

I worked with my sponsee yesterday it was rewarding to work step one with her. She does not believe in God I found this to be her hesitancy but she showed up despite herself. Working with her helps me with my program I realize my own hesitancy in life my ego wants to hold on to the old way I drove through life.
This for me is where I it over to HP and trust there is a plan for me in my life.
" I can old onto my will until the situation becomes so painful that I am forced to admit, or I can put my energy where it can
do me some good right now, and surrender to my HP' care"
HP holds it all up for everyone
12 steps are slow for me to grasp but slowly they begin to be understood
My sponsee is a great teacher for me in her hesitancy but she continues to show up
My apple tree is getting ready for harvest it is possible in an urban enviornment to have fruits
My relationship with my Husband has improved slowly

I have held many things in my hands, and I have lost them all; but whatever I have placed in Gods hands, that I still possess
Martin Luther

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Commit to recovery

It was a nice weekend just relaxing with friends and my Husband. I am learning how to take care of myself more. My home group meeting is on Saturday.This last weeks meeting was hectic, shaming and learning how to speak up for myself without getting angry. The treasuer announced to the group the GSR (me) caused the treasury to go overfunds. I had announced to the treasurer in advance the trips above average expense. At the buisness meeting a particular individual in our group tired to dominate the discussion and it was negative against my spending. This individual is loud and talks non stop causing members to withdraw.
I was dissapointed that the treasurer announced particulars in the manner she chose to the group at large. The discussion continued and a member reeled this person in so others got an opportunity to express thier feelings. In the end this is all about growing and showing up for myself, I am grateful I was at the AA meeting. Next week I am bringing in the DCM and a chair person to go over the role and advantages of having a GSR for a group.
HP will never let me down
The 12 steps are a learning tool
Life is full of all kinds of messages if I can see them and not get lost in the illusion
one moment at a time
Alanon (AA) meetings fellowship, Steps, Traditions, and literature all help me to improve my ability to help others. I will renew my commitment to recovery today.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Easy Does It

Foggy day today and heading to my home group at 12 noon. I enjoy this meeting lots of old timers and new comers which is a great mix. I do have times where i feel uncomfortable in meetings I have a sense of feeling left out. I don't know where these feelings come from but I have carried them all my life.
It's a Holiday and the bridge is closed we have less traffic which means less noise. I love the city.
Things in my brain seem to steer toward the less than this morning but I can turn it over to my HP. I don't have to figure it out
I will try to stay in gratitude just for today.
1. HP
2. 12 steps help guide me through life
3. The moment has serenity if I can stay in it
4. My health is good
5. my relationship is steering itself out of troubled times

"I will try to apply "Easy Does It" to every incident that might increase the tension and cause an explosion."
One Day at at time in Alanon

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

God alone knows the secret plan

Today was a nice day today I worked on my project. My buisness partner and I are applying for grants. There are moments I struggle with her, but most of the time I try to keep focused on the ultimate goal to complete the project. I spoke my feelings today in regards to a concept expressing it in a mature and thoughtful manner. Maturity not sure where this came from maybe it's part of the program working in my life.
In the past I might have argued over my concepts or agreed on her thoughts and argued later on. Every day I pray from knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out.
But it was a smooth day and I am grateful for the serenity I allowed myself. Learning to love and take care of myself feels uncomfortable at times but change takes time.
Willingness to show up to meetings and turn it over to HP is important for me.
I have seen real change occur in the rooms and this is so beautiful to watch and be a part of this change.
1. HP is at work all day long for all peoples
2. 12 step work is very inspiring
3. Just for today I can let in some praise for myself and my life
4. I love reading literature including recovery lit
5. Need to visit my family back in the midwest

"God alone knows the secret plan
Of the things he will do for the world
Using my hand"