Monday, May 28, 2012

trusting HP

 An  Dharma talk today from RA today very mind expanding. He is  incredibly loving person, to me anyway. He reminds me of a wonderful therapist in Seattle who was very present and loving to me.
I feel such gratitude to have found these people who have helped me in my life. G helped me to love my father.
This and sitting in the rooms listening to older fellas talk about their feelings.

The talk was on Albert Camus and the question of "Is life worth living?" Being present with pain and the tools to assist with the feelings. Not to run from the feeling but welcome it. I don't have to like pain but can tame pain like a domesticated animal.
I am dealing with feelings I have around "witnessing pain" and the affects it has had on my life. In the past I was the keeper of my mothers pain. I felt robbed of my youth hearing her pain and wanting to make it better for her. My needs were smothered her needs were more important for our family. 
My friend M from Yoga is getting ready to stop eating. I had dinner with her on Friday night, C and I brought food. She is 90 years old and talks of her life as an artist. Books of her past were brought down from the shelves as we went over her youth. 
She wants to leave the planet. I want her to continue to live in this world.
 But i do understand her wanting to have the ability to end her life when she can make this decision.
Her legs swell and become filled with fluid last time for one month. I cant talk about it much either it's too late in the night makes me sad.

This is my lesson currently a difficult one.
Witnessing her pain honoring her choice is a gate that I am dancing with. Death is not easy to witness they will be gone forever except in my memory. No one escapes trusting HP has a plan.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Less is more

Busy day filled a long walk along the ocean, bush chopping, fabric shopping, meeting with friends and ended with the viewing of the eclipse. It was lovely to watch the eclipse on a piece of paper from a pinhole view.
Our neighbor came out to walk his fathers dogs and stayed with us a while to watch the view. We noticed our shadows had double edges the light was a brilliant white.  Being present with moments allows me to pay attention to alot of details that in the past I ran from. I was always busy, running to complete a task, wanting things my has shifted

The Buddhist retreat from yesterday brought some serenity. I woke in the morning reflecting on the best way to spend my day, a friend mentioned the retreat. It was obviou,s how better to take care of myself than sit with my feelings. Running from them is not helping me grow and deepen my emotional nature.

We practiced our meditation by sitting and walking at the Zen Farm. Being quite in a room full of people is comforting, this act is not our usual conditioning. I felt rage again toward my mother. Really need to work with this hinderance I have with our relationship. We explored the 5 hindrances in Zen Buddhism.

Known as the five hindrances, they are forces in the mind that can hinder our ability to see clearly or to deeply concentrate. The hindrances are: 1) sensual desire, 2) ill will, 3) sloth and torpor, 4) anxiousness and worry, and 5) doubt. 

The hindrances operate in everyone; their presence is not a personal failing. Rather, it is useful see their occurrence as an important opportunity to investigate them. Sometimes it is wise not to quickly attempt to get rid of a hindrance but to use it as a chance to learn something. The stronger the hindrance, the more important it is to investigate it. 

I was given Anger to explore. We each commented on our feelings. A woman in the group began to annoy me to an incredibly great degree. Her personal concern felt unauthentic and forced. I felt myself wanting to teach her a lesson regarding her behavior. This action is what I also do with my mother. I try to force her to look at her poor behavior. More is revealed I hope to lessen this action I have with others.


With Metta: 
May all beings be safe. May all beings be healthy.
May all beings be happy. May all beings live with ease.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

5 hinderances

Went to a wonderful retreat today at the Zen farm. Warm weather with a cool breeze off the ocean.
L went over the five hindrances ...I was given  Anger. Still have work to do with my Mom.
Feelings have shifted it is not as charged as in the past but I still feel anger toward her.
Working my steps around the issue and trusting god has a plan for us. There is one incident that particularly infuriates me...and I continue to work on it.
One day I feel it will shift again.

Seeing my family was nice but there were times that were challenging. One night my sister and her husband wanted to go listen to music and down some shots. I love live music but have to admit when you arent drinking being around drunks is not alot of fun. They talk nonsense most of the time. I left the bar after a couple of hours  to sit in the car and watch the crowds walk by in their drunken stupor, graduation is time to celebrate.

It was Ok though most of the trip. I liked to remember "How important is it?"

Friday, May 18, 2012

Those that are still suffering

Arrived home late last night after a long wait at the airport. Rushed to fill up the car with gas,
eat a meal at a fast food restaurant (which i only do in emergencies) and drove with urgency to arrive on time for the flight home. Then the flight was delayed and delayed more and then some more time clicked on ...
I arrived safe and sound. Nothing like sleeping in your own bed mine is particularly comfy.

Hadn't spent time with my family in four years. My recovery allowed me to brush off  their comments, I think it had to do with the bank of meetings under my belt. This though did not keep me from getting sucked into the whirlpool of family time slipping into days...I just get pulled into the time slide the family
I was to sacrifice myself and I did often but hated myself for the sacrifice.
The price was just too high having to turn over growing emotionally. The big topics are gardens and birds.
Nothing is mentioned too much beyond this.

All the sad, rebellious kids remind them of me. They often made these comments as they tossed back a crown royal shot often with the kids that fit in....makes me wonder really.

Tired going to bed. Praying for myself, my family and others that I dont know still suffering from the disease of alcoholism.

Monday, May 7, 2012


Heading home after many years. Leaves me with some disturbing dreams.

I walk through a large empty concrete building looking for a location for a film shoot.
It's Ok I think to myself nothing special.  I continue to walk through the space suddenly a giant man appears in the scene. I try to ignore him looking around for a good shot. Eventually I realize the giant is going to do harm to me. Running through the building I look for a safe place to take refuge. I decide to hide in a janitors closet it is the only room that has a lock on it's door. It is a very small room with janitors supplies and a toilet,
and a very small window which looks into a courtyard. The giant tries to enter but can't
I retreat in fear trying to think of how I am going to get out the situation.

This sums up how I sometimes lead my life jumping into scenes and not realizing there is danger lurking around the corner. As a child my life was filled with anxiety waiting for my Dad to come home drunk. Today with my husband I often wonder if I recreate the drama i was raised.

I have a choice so tonight I choose serenity and peace

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Thursday, May 3, 2012

let go

Getting ready for a luncheon. Driving downtown in rain and fog. I have so much to do it seems
frivolous to take time out for enjoyment. During the day I try and stay focused on my work.
When I take time off it is my life that suffers as I work for myself. I am going to let go right now and get ready. A friend has bought tickets for this luncheon and I am going to have a good time.
This is a choice I am making. Keeping it simple.