Thursday, April 30, 2009

Started out the day feeling a little agitated think it had to do with the surgery tommorrow. ALl will be fine....... learning to turn it over to HP
As the day progressed I wanted to argue with my husband all my dissppointmenets came bubbling to the surface. Did I think I could solve them today? No
But my anxiwty wanted to hang onto something. I couldnt play the same old movie though and turned the channel. My brother called me later on in the day.
He is so defensive to talk to sounds like he did when he was drinking.
The drugs for his pain have taken over his life...I am sad about this for him.
He called to talk about my brother the animal care taker, wife car taker, guy who married a woman who likes to collect animals. They have 44 parrots, 4 dogs, 3 kittens, a geikco ...
Their house smells like parrot shit. The sad part is they have 2 children.
It is sad they have to live in this house with them. What can I do? I didnt cause I cant cure and I cant change it. But they have kids
They are innocent and so vulnerable. I need to think about this and turn it over for tonight I have a big day tommorrow morning.
1. for my HP and the plans for me today and this moment
2. Husband and I are learning to love each other more everyday
3. The Program and meetings that are close to my home
4. Love my haircut even though it is one month old
5. Good fruits in SF land
6. Love of life

Turn it over

Had a good day today, ending it with seeing Robert Redford live and in person...
Taking care of myself with Yoga and Chiropractic to fix the neck. Even writing this
makes me feel guilty that I didnt get alot of work done. But I am preparing for my operation this Friday and want my body to be in good shape when I go in.
My mind did race some with thoughts repeating. Trying to control I guess, feeling scared of surgery. Trusting life has a plan and turn it over to my HP
Made a decsision to turn our will and our lives over the care of God as we understood Him.
Aldous Huxley once said: "That when the history of the twentieth century is finally written, the greatest achievements America will be known for will be giving the world Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon."
1. HP life has a plan for me despite my nonbelief in a "Him" god
2. My husband and I were at peace today and had a nice time tonight
3. I can have good and easy days
4. Had a wonderful Yoga Class despite the crazy teacher who has good classes
5. Great film and seeing Robert Redford

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Woke up this morning had a wild dream last night. It involved teaching an older man how to love me, physically. I was not disgusted by his age, he was gentle and humble.
This made me feel grateful in my dream world that I could allow him to be who he was despite his inadwqacies. This was a nice feeling, I miss feeling love from my husband. My fathers lecerous nature caused me to shut down and not allow anyone into my sexual world. My friend informed me my dream had to do with control.
Maybe but I also see is as acceptance and learning to be patient with love.
Nice, slow and gentle to learn to deal with myself, my inner self.
The program works slowly and in it's own time. I used to love sitting in the sun, not to get tan but to feel the day. Sitting back and letting the moment just sink into me.
Grateful for
1. HP
2. Spiritual life my inner life
3. good meal tonight made from scratch
4. Alot of buisness was accomplished today
5. can be content with myself and where I am at
6. Love my husband despite his bad moods

of detachment--admitting our need to live ourlives in fear of others' judgment and as if we can control them, surrending outcome, forgiving, focusing our attention on what works. When we give up judging others, we become accountable for our own behaviors and let others--spouse, family, coworkers--be accountable for themselves. The power of detachment is a power anyone can claim. It's the power of sanity, of peace, of finding our own inner strengh.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Universe has a plan for me

Detachment is a big one for me, it is difficult for me to love and let go. To trust the universe has a plan for me.
I want to control through my mind my life. The spinning thoughts churn and spin and dance causing alot of crazy thinking for me to ponder on. The trick is not to attach these are only thoughts they do not define who I am. What an amazing recovery
tool I wish I could have gotten it earlier, but that was not in my HP's plan for me.
Today I went to the film festival with two friends, they showed up. I didnt have to worry and plan too much although I did buy them tickets to save them 2.00 but hey I love savings. Maybe in the future I can let them buy their tickets also, I am not sure
if I am co'ing by buying them tickets or not. I saw alot of work people at the theatre and didnt "feel less than" this is the program working for me. I want to thank myself for showing up for me! I have done a damn good job lately not too many resentments to churn the brain. Although I can churn the brain with alot of random thoughts.
Gratitude list
1. Working a Spiritual Program turning over to the HP
2. One day at a time in the moment for a few seconds
3. Relationship stable at the moment J and I show love
4. Can be with other filmmakers and not feel less than
5. Can relax and sit in the sun
6. Can make good food such as home made pizza, with a thin crust
7. Have a clean home
8. Live in beautiful SF

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


"One of the most helpful aspects of the ALanon fellowship is the opportunity we have to voice our dilemmas, confident that we wont be condemend for speaking frankly."Courgae to Change
Tonight H began to get touchy and verbally abusive toward me, he works crazy hours. He has no life but his work. Walking around his moods makes the home very touchy and not harmonious. It's as if and AK47 is propped up against the wall waiting to be used.
I used to feel sad for him and want more for his life. But I can not control it, cant cure it and I cant change it. This makes me work my program more. The situation is an opportunity for growth. Wish I could take growth hormones some days instead of life experience but it doesnt work like this.
Part of me wants to jump into his movie, verbally abuse him back and make him feel bad. What does this get me? A fight and more frustration, more anger, less harmony
For my program I am gratful that I have insight into my life.
1. That HP gives me insight
2. Husband and I try the best we can
3. Turning it over to God although writing the word God gives me the creeps
4. Have friends that care for me and I am learning to care for me
5. Don't have to drink today

Monday, April 20, 2009

Step 2

Tonight a warm night for San Francisco it reminds me of my childhood in Kansas.
I love the sun shining on my body warming me deep inside. Dealing with medical issues again really has me turning it over to God. Do the footwork and all else will follow.
I noticed my head started spinning with negative thinking, spinning with people who cant show up for me. What was this about? Fear, Fear of bad medical news. Yes this is how my mind hides in Fear, negative self talk. Oh it is freeing to have
this insight.I don't believe this will stop negative talk but I do feel some freedom knowing a little more of who I am.
" I cant say I've become instantly sane since coming to Alanon. There are still many times when I am in the grips of this disease.I recognize it faster because it doesn't feel good anymore. At these times I turn to my Higher Power and repeat Step 2. I pray to be restored to sanity." Paths to Recovery

Sunday, April 19, 2009


This weekend I went to a convention for the program. A friend had recommended I get more involved this would change my program take it to another level. I joked with her at one point sayin "she owed me big time." Some program stuff can really get
trying at times, full of all kinds of personliatues, but everything gets trying at times. Feeling like I dont fit in, no one cares, I need something from you to feel ok with me. This voice fades with time in the rooms...slowly turning it over to God
My comment offended my friend, I have heard in the rooms describe how she feels so reponsible at times for others feelings. She commented that her work in the program helped save her life it gave her plans. I related it wasnt my intention to make her feel bad, I too feel so alone at times. The more I work the program the less I have these feelings. What can I say? It works for me today...just for today
Note on Detachment
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situration from which we are deatching. In ALanon we learn notheing we say or do can cause or stop someone elses drinking. We are not responsible for another persons disease or recvoery from it.

I am so grateful to have the program somewhere to go with me...The feelings of loss,
the regrets, the lost childhood, the sadness, no one to turn to, Holidays that are hell for me these can be turned over to HP
1. That I feel more and more whole with Me
2. Not expecting others to make me feel good about Me and Life
3. HP will not aboden me
4. The program works,I dont have to live in the past and worry about the future
5. Can enjoy a beautiful day
6. Can Take a nap and not feel guilty: such as I should be doing something
7. Can be in the moment for a few seconds and enjoy that second
8. That I can let go of others' opinions of me. It is not my mental business what they think.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

April 12,09

Pray for Peace (just a brief part of the poem?

Pray to the bus driver who takes you to work,
pray on the bus, pray for everyone riding that bus
and for everyone riding buses all over the world.
If you haven’t been on a bus in a long time,
climb the few steps, drop some silver, and pray.

Pull weeds for peace, turn over in your sleep for peace,
feed the birds for peace, each shiny seed
that spills onto the earth another second of peace.
Wash your dishes, call your mother, drink wine.

Shovel leaves or snow or trash from your sidewalk.
Make a path. Fold a photo of a dead child
around your Visa card. Gnaw your crust
of prayer, scoop your prayer water from the gutter.
Mumble along like a crazy person, stumbling
your prayer through the streets.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

aPRIL 10, 09

Spent some time with a friend in the in program at a cafe. It makes me feel good to know a friend will be there in this cafe.He likes this cafe and spends time reading the papers.
It feels good to have friends.
In the past I have expected so much from my friends, they taught me how to live my parents example was so poor i needed models to follow.
Some of the models were better than others
Today I have choices and what does that mean? It means I dont have to say yes
when I want to say no....I can choose words so to be kind in speech when I express myself to an opposing viewpoint
The world will not fall apart if I am not controlling it
turn it over to the Hp out there
One day at a time

Sunday, April 5, 2009

April 5, 09

"In Al Anon we learn to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves the time we need to recover. We carry a lifetime of baggage into our meetings, and it takes time to recover from the effects of the past. We learn that alcholism truly is a disease and we didnt cause it can't cure it and cant control it."
This weekend I got a call from a friend she loves to detail her life to me especailly when she has a new lover. I find I can't stop myself from engaging her and I want to make her feel like she is important and someone cares. But I am acting in a way that doesnt work for me I feel resentment like I am being held hostage for her needs. I am not being true to myself I am acting in a way that doesnt work for me.
What can I do to take care of myself?
A. To not engage by not responding to her comments.
B I am not reponsible to make her feel better about her life
C Keep the focus on myself not on helping others and taking care of others cause I will get a resentment

More will be revealed

Mary Oliver

through my own soul,
opening its dark doors--
I was leaning out;
I was listening.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Keep it simple in the moment

Had a great day today started my Saturday with a meeting and then went to another meeting it was wonderful...Really kept me present and feeling wonderful in the moment. Not thinking about the past or anxiety about what is to come. I really believe the programs big part is keeping me present.
My husband wanted to argue with me today but I just didnt go there.
He is under alot of pressure but I dont know what I can do to help him, I need to keep the focus on my program not on what he is doing.
This is a big part of my problem trying to fix people
I know so much about them I forgot about myself. They are supposed to help me then
but most dont. Very few people really care to help others. I should not have any expecations about what others should's none of my buisness