Thursday, August 28, 2014

I’m not responsible for the way another feels.

Balmy morning feeling slight anxiety but nothing like the past. Today is a new day full of it's own experiences I can start over at any time also if the need arises. Love this saying from the program.
I may go for a walk along the beach or drive to swim where the sun is shining.
Lately my work has taken over my life. I have to teach this week, shoot, work on my own project my life is full. But due to this schedule my meetings have been limited. This requires me to reach out to my sponsor and others in the program to have a meeting of sorts.

H has crossed a boundary one where we have ongoing problems...His attitude in the car when he drives. How do I deal with it? Waiting till things cool down between us. Detaching with love.
Remembering there are parts of my life that are working. I don't have to be consumed with his actions.
I am powerless over his attitude but what I do have choices that I can make in my own life.

“I’m not responsible for the way another feels.”

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Feeling pretty good

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, no obsessions. Before the program I would wake up
with swirling obsessions on things I had done wrong in my life. It was painful to attach and witness this  negative self talk. One tool I have learned is feelings aren't facts, I have a choice in how to deal with situations including my own negative programming. Sitting in the rooms and witnessing others being honest with themselves has helped relieve thinking I am the only one that thinks this way,
having a sponsor who knows my deepest self, being of service to others, and working the steps.
Having a HP of my understanding helps to turn it over, I dont have to do it alone.
Still there are moments when I feel so alone and forgotten usually during the Holidays.
Sitting in meditation has guided me to learn acceptance and patience toward myself and others.
Some of my early day sits were very challenging watching my brian spin around and want to take me down a dusty path. Giving up the victim role.
For today I am fine just where I am at. I have tools from the program.
Taking it one day at a time.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Live in the present

Today waking up to a foggy morning. I feel a slight migraine hope it will pass. How do I take care of myself in this situation? Learning to notice how I feel is changing how I lived most of my life.
In the past I ignored alot of things to keep going. In some ways this benefited me I was a Alanonic child worrying taking care of others at my expense, afraid of the future, thinking I had all the answers.
But my health has taken me and screamed Hello we are here, noticing but not in an ego driven way.
I like what Buddhists say we are already enlightened it's here within everyone.
The day is stretching and it's time to begin my work. Nice to place a few words out there for

Just For Today: The slogan, “Just For Today” tells us that things are more manageable when we deal with and live in the present. Things that seem way too difficult to manage long term may seem more manageable if we deal with them just for today. We can move forward in small steps rather than be overwhelmed by trying to change everything at one time. 

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Character Defect List

Posting this list again so helpful to have it in front of me!

Lydia’s Character Defect List 
  • anger, hatred
  • anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change.
  • arrogance – Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride.
  • closed mindedness – Contempt prior to investigation. Disregarding things and ideas just because they are new and unknown. Being unwilling to try things or follow suggestions. Failing to remain teachable.  Having a mind firmly unreceptive to new ideas or arguments.
  • dependency, over dependency, co dependency – Relying on others to provide for us what we ought to provide for ourselves. Feeling we must be in a relationship, or must hold on to others who want to move on. Letting others control us to an extreme due to our fear of being alone, abandoned, or independent.
  • depression, pessimism – Not as a clinical condition, but as a way to generally see the dark side of things.
  • dishonesty – Sins of omission and commission. Telling lies, hiding things, telling half truths or pretending something is so that isn’t. Withholding important information. Adding untrue details to stories and situations.  Stealing, cheating, taking things that aren’t ours and that we aren’t entitled to.
  • controlling attitude toward people, places and things – Trying to control others by manipulation, bribery, punishment, withholding things or tricking them into acting as we wish, even when we believe it is in their best interest to do so. Failing to be equal partners with others and to consider their knowledge and opinions.
  • fear
  • gluttony, greed - Wanting and taking too much: food, sex, time, money, comfort, leisure, material possessions, attention, security.  Acquiring things (material things, relationships, attention) at the expense of others.
  • gossiping – Speaking or writing about others in a negative manner, especially to get them in trouble or to feel superior to them and bond with someone else against the target of the gossip.  When I find myself talking about someone, I must pause and check out why I am mentioning their name.
  • humility, a lack of humility – Feeling better than and worse than others, and being self centered.
  • impatience – Being frustrated by waiting, wanting often to be some time in the future, wanting something to change or improve rather than accepting it as it is.
  • intolerance – Not accepting people or things for who or what they are.
  • inventory taking, being judgmental – Noticing and listing, out loud or to ourselves, the faults of others.
  • jealousy and envy – Wanting what others have, feeling we don’t have enough or deserve more, wishing we had what others do instead of them. This applies to material possessions like houses, cars, money and such. It also applies to nonmaterial things like relationships, a nice family, children, parents, friends and partners, and fulfilling work relationships. We can envy others their looks and physical appearance, their talents and physical abilities or attributes such as thinness, tallness, sports ability or musical talent.
  • laziness, procrastination, sloth – Not doing as much as is reasonable for us to do. Putting things off repeatedly. Not carrying our own load as much as we are able. Letting others provide things for us that we ought to get for ourselves.
  • perfectionism – Expecting or demanding too much from ourselves or others. Treating things that aren’t perfect as not good enough. Not recognizing a good try or progress.
  • prejudice – Pre-judging people based on a group they belong to. Negative feelings about someone based on their religion, race, nationality, age, disability, sexual orientation, accent, politics, economic status, physical characteristics like height, weight, hair style, clothing style, physical fitness.
  • rationalization, minimizing and justifying, self-justification – Saying and/or believing I had good motives for bad behavior.  Saying that I did bad things for good reasons, or that what I did really wasn’t that bad.
  • resentment – The feeling of displeasure or indignation at some act, remark, person, etc., regarded as causing injury or insult.
  • rigidity and fear of change
  • self centeredness, selfishness – Spending excessive time thinking about myself. Considering myself first in situations. Not having enough regard for others or thinking about how circumstances hurt or help others. Thinking about what I can get out of situations and people, what’s in it for me? Spending too much time considering my appearance, acquiring things for myself, pampering myself, indulging myself.
  • self pity