Monday, September 27, 2010

There by my side

It was an incredible day today the sun was sparkling on the ocean. I asked a friend to help me paint my bathroom. I paid her a good rate and helped to keep it moving. The walking up and down my stairs really wore me out. When she asked for more paint I told her it was downstairs. I let her go and get some of the supplies.

As the day progressed she made a couple of comments that disturbed me. These remarks were sexist and to top it all off she used her religion to justify her remards. I have kept silent in the past but today I had enough I told her that I didn't feel this way. I didnt feel myself leaving my body as I would in the past but kept present.
It is a form of lying if i don't speak up. I also know she is a racist but yet I try to focus on her good qualities. What can I do to show up for myself in this situation?
I am not responsible for her views but I have a choice in this matter. My choice is to think about how I will deal with being around her in the future.
This saddens me she has good qualities that are clouded over by her bad behavior.

I can turn this over to god tonight and I dont support her views.
HP is there by my side

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I am being carried across the Sky

Beautiful day today the sun is shining on the beach. I wake up many Sundays feeling frantic. What should I do to take care of myself? Walk, go to a meeting, swim, work these thoughts race through my head. I feel that I wont make the best decision for me
to take care of myself. The choice I make won't make me happy.

These feelings are a revelation before I was in the spin of anxiety. I could not see out of the pain.
The truth is I have been acting out of this "spinning" my whole life. The spin was to get out of where I was in my head because it was too painful. My childhood was the training ground with the insanity around me. Today I don't have to escape my life is pretty safe. I dont have to live in the past nor fear the future. My Alanon tool kit is full and ready at all times. My program will not abandon me.

If I can sit quietly and turn it over to HP everything will be just where it is supposed to be. Life has many choices although I might make mistakes I can change my mind and make a new choice. I believe I have a wonderful loving spirit that has been created for some purpose. The people and situations I encounter each day also bring beauty and purpose. I can begin to look at the positive in everything that I do and see.

"Sometimes I go about pitying myself And all the while I am being carried across the sky
By beautiful clouds." Ojibway Indian saying

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Went to a Speaker AA meeting tonight to listen to a new friends story.

Her share was funny but sad. She spoke openly of the insanity alchohl created in her life. One of the crazy moments I related to was her fantasy world. At thirteen years old she pretended to be French to buy wine, later for a full year she spoke with a French accent at her dorm, and then assumed various other identity's to cover up lies.

Life with my alcoholic father was embarrassing. I retreated into a fantasy world to escape the craziness, at night I left into my film dreams. Later in life I pretended to be other people to be accepted in certain situations. They couldn't like me as I am. At one time I was from Turkey and then Switzerland. I was uncomfortable with D. I hope to laugh more at this aspect of my past. Today I don't have to pretend to be anything to make it OK for me to be in my skin....I am fine as I am.

Woody Allen's,Purple Rose of Cairo pretty much summed up an this aspect of my life in a film.

Today I will have the courage to look the truth in the face, admit my errors and my achievements, appreciate my growth, and make ammends where I have done harm.

"I care about truth not for truth's sake but for my own"

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Step Nine

Step Nine
We discussed this step last night in the meeting. There are a couple of people I admire who have been in the program for years and haven't done the steps. He is a Doctor and a very caring person his wife reminds me of olive oil. She openly speaks of not working the steps but takes no action to change her situation. I get angry at them they are looked at with respect but really don't work a program. What the ...
This is where I work my program around this issue and detach. I too was in the program for years and couldn't work the steps or get a sponsor. I was going to do it my way.As they say "my way" brought me alot of pain.
Step Nine " I made a list of people I had harmed and put myself at the top of the list.
Thinking of myself first was wrong I was supposed to take care of everyone else first.
I was never ready to take care of myself and wanted those around me to take care of me. this is where my resentment would also begin cause they werent taking care of me the way I wanted.

Being True to oneself is the greatest gift I can give to those around me.
1. Alanon gave my life back
2. HP has always been there I just couldn't see it

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Cant Control It

I feel disappointed tonight. J and I usually try and go out together on Saturday night. He works alot...I mean alot.
Some days I feel guilty he makes sure to let me know he is doing this for me. In the past I would take on the role of
feeling responsible for his working non stop, feeling overwhelmed, sad and angry. I realize know I Didn't cause it, I Cant Cure It and Can't Control it. I am powerless over his addiction. It's very painful to watch someone abandon themselves to work. We haven't gone out in months on a night out, he can't find the time. At this point I have to turn it over to HP. There is a plan to the universe. He has a HP to take care of him.

How can I take care of myself in this situation?
It's hard Saturday nights roll around and I wait for our night out. This usually doesn't materialize. It is Best for me that I make alternate plans to take care of myself. I went out to a movie tonight on my own. I am the only one who can make my well being my top priority. Unfortunately it was a very wicked child abuse film from Greece, Dog Tooth. Dont thing I can recommend this to anyone feeling lowdown could case a lower down feeling than before they saw the film. I left the theatre wanting to hurt him emotionally. He let me down again I heard at the back of my thoughts.

What I am looking at also is my feeling that arises from his actions which are I feel alone and victimized. These feelings have followed me through my life. In meditation and Al anon I get a chance to go into this dark forest and trim the branches.
It's hard I get stuck and feel helpless.

Slowly I am trying to give life to the part I myself that I hid from the world. I am learning to build my self esteem without hiding behind a cloak of suffering.I am trying to build moments where I can appreciate my life. I dont want to miss an opportunity by sinking into despair.

Loving-kindness is a buddhist meditation practice that systematically develops the quality of loving acceptance towards the self and others. When practiced regularly, it can help free a troubled mind from pain and confusion and make everyday relationships more meaningful, explains Kevin Griffin.

Program I have a tool chest waiting for me
Mindfulness the discipline of watching the mind is fast gaining recognition for its value in helping to free people from addictive patterns.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Getting it right

The view that is presented in the Buddhist teachings is not one of becoming a better person, or finally getting it right, but is a view based on trusting what we already have, of starting and staying where we already are. Pema Chodron

Reading this quote makes alot of sense to me. I felt that I covered myself up with many layers to survive a long winter. In some ways I feel that working the program allows me to feel again. This is good but it has brought up old feelings. This is where the steps come in and guide me to a solution. I need guidance it is hard to do it on my own. In the past it was only me that I could depend on which was my willpower. Heavy load to carry around.

I am tired tonight my schedule is haywire. The blog world helps me stay connected to recovery when I cant make a meeting.
Thanks to all my dear blog members for their wonderful posts.
One day at a time
For the program my life is full of all kinds of wonderful moments that have been built up in recovery