Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Opening is difficult

It's been difficult for me to let love into my life. I noticed creating distance for me and creating barriers is my way I cope. There were many disappointments I experienced as a young girl. I withdrew into a dream life. Escape for me was how I dealt with problems. As an adult I developed an assortment of escapes to deal with the pain.
"Opening is difficult. There are pains we have worked all our lives to repress and avoid". Jack Kornfield.

Today I am grateful for my life. With Alanon I am given tools to deal with problems that in the past were unbearable. I am grateful I could show up for myself. My posts normally deal with problems but today I want to try practice gratitude. I try to balance the good and the bad in all that life brings.

the program it has given me a new lease on life

Monday, August 30, 2010

Detachment is neither kind nor unkind

Tonight in group I had a sense of unease within which follows me in meditation. The beauty though is this feeling eventually is followed by another feeling.
They come and they go..nothing remains forever. I try not to attach and watch them flow through my mind, not to get caught up in the storyline.

As i sit in meditation I use many experiences to bait me not to be present. The car driving by the center with loud rap music blaring out the window.
I try to be patient with myself and practice compassion for where I am at in the moment. My mind is like a wild monkey and I jump here and there. I hope to continue to practice meditation.

When I can be more loving toward myself my relationship improves. Last night Y made some very nasty comments. I tried very hard to detach with love. I am responsible for D. Last night I didn't have the same pull as in the past.
I am grateful for the program.
As the literature says, "Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

There are many teachers surronding me more will be revealed.

The Program is there for me even when I cant be there for myself

Sunday, August 29, 2010

take care of myself

Learning boundaries is an ongoing lesson for me. When someone comes into my space I dont know how to take care of myself. I merge into what are their needs and then
oh yea the resentment monster comes out and rears it's ugly head.
This weekend an old roommate came to visit me. She stayed for 4 days in my home.
She is a filmmaker and her work was being shown in a local venue. I like her work it is experimental in approach and very insightful.
It was good to see her but she is a dependent person. I still find myself wanting to make it OK for her. She waits for people to do things for her.
I stepped back and let her take care of herself. In fact one night I made plans to go to a friends home and encouraged her go off on her own on the city's transport. This is the program working to learn to take care of myself and let others take care of themselves.

I am building a wonderful life for myself and it feels good...
sounds like a song I have heard.

Coffee especially espresso drinks

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Walls of Ego

According to Pema Chödrön, love and compassion are like the weak spots in the walls of ego. If we connect with even one moment of the good heart of bodhicitta and cherish it, our ability to open will gradually expand.

Reading this quote today reminded me how reaching out to a newcomer breaks the bondage of self. I get so wrapped up in my life
it's important to look outside. I try to welcome the new faces in the program. It was hard for me in the beginning and I try to encourage and offer my E, S and H. (like the abbreviation borrowed from Syd)

I received a call from someone in Alanon a Miss F. We connected on many levels, she is a double winner. She also works Buddhism into her practice. I might go and have a cup of tea with her sometime.

1. The program is my top priority.
2. Guests shake up my life
3. HP has a plan for me I dont have to figure it all out

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Today is a foggy day but warm. This week was full of reevaluating our doc project and going deeper into organizing.
My buiss partner challenges me sometimes. Thinking of working together again causes me to want to step back and sleep.
I relate to rumplestiltskins sleeping under a large tree. Our last grant was difficult 2 weeks of busting our ass. I do believe some things are just hard and you have to walk through them.
It is not easy gathering money for a project these days. I have received tremendous support from friends and members of my recovery meditation group. Funny I watch my mind as I type this and want to go to lack of support from my other recovery groups. But this is my disease working.

One of my sponsees called me frantic as she was walking to her alcoholic boyfriends home. She was preparing to beg him to take her back. She reached out to me but continued to act out. This was an Alanon slip. I was disturbed with her behavior, but it's her addiction. Self love for me has been a challenge also. She has a HP as I have an HP. Al Anon helps me to listen and learn.

The interchange between sponsor and sponsored is a form of communication that will nourish both of you.

HP has a plan for me
The Program works if you work it
food cart food is getting better and better

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Insanity has been defined as doing something the same way over and over again and expecting different results. Today
I have willingness to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand. It is with a fresh approach using my tools that I can live a fuller life.

This last week was difficult coming back after vacation. Why? it doesn't matter. What matters is how I deal with my opportunities for growth. I believe in the past I was guided by fear. Fear no longer serves me. Problems are how I distance myself to my feelings.

Mindfulness helps guide me. Today I try Acceptance of where I am at and Gratitude of what I have accomplished.

1. Program is there for me, it will love me until I learn to love myself.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Saturday, August 14, 2010

What arises in our mind

Today was a nice day. I did several hours of gardening with a friend. Being outside in the fresh air doing physical labor is enjoyable to me. It helps me live more in the moment.
I am grateful today that I get a chance to be more present for my life. I can remember in the past it was hard for me I was in a constant state of anxiety.

Yesterday was difficult one of my character defects reared it's ugly head. I began a spin and fed it with all the delicious foods it likes to keep going. It is hard some days but with the program I have tools. Today I was able to participate in some joy. Feelings don't last forever they come and go. Meditation helps me look at my life in a new way.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

Grateful for the Program

Monday, August 9, 2010

time away

My vacation was nice it was good to get away from my life. The ocean was turquoise blue with white patches of coral glimmering through.
For the first time I snorkeled, it was incredible to watch the fish, coral sand whirl and turn.

I didn't feel well and thought of canceling my day in the sea. But I remembered to keep it simple and followed my breathe for guidance in my uncomfortable place. We sped through the water in a small boat and hit some large waves. But it turned out wonderful despite my hesitation. I took care of myself by mentioning my anxiety to the leader of the group. He was patient with me and took time to describe the trip.

At the resort there was heavy drinking and large amount of food consumed all day long. I stepped back and watched. Do we really need to eat and drink such large amounts of everything? It is disturbing to be a part of the mindless consumers. I don't want to sound like I am above the crowd because I am not above anyone. But the buckets of food poured out was incredibly sad I hope buffets become less popular one day. Hell for me would be a revolving buffet line filled with trays of food pilled ever higher kind of like Jack in the beanstalk image.

I missed the program and didn't attend any meetings. Tonight I screwed up and didn't attend my meditation meeting,,, tomorrow I hope to make my Alanon meeting.
It's difficult to get back into the swing of things when you are relaxed.

1. HP guides me
2. The sun was healing
3. Sleeping in my bed after being away was comforting

God does for me what I cannot do for myself

Sunday, August 1, 2010

I don't understand and I don't have to

Tommorrow I will be in Mexico. I am looking forward to a break from my everyday life.
My life is not boring, I feel that it's quite the opposite. I enjoy learning and creating. It has been challenging this year applying for grants. It has stretched me and at times I feel insecure, old and ready to fuck it all up...
But I guess my HP has other plans for me. I get to show up for myself. It seems odd writing this about myself but my life has gotten clearer.

I have some anxiety about this vacation and the partying that has been mentioned. I have a tool chest with Program written on it, guess I better remember to reach in and use them when things get stuck. For some reason I have suspicions this resort may have some Alanon meetings. If there are no meetings I can set some time aside to create one myself.
My old dear friend C comes also from a long line of heavy drinkers. Her sister has followed in her grandmothers footsteps and drinks daily, she was such a sad girl growing up.
I don't have to fix C's sister P has a HP to take care of her life. I can have a good time and keep my side of the road clean.
These care taking nightmares bring back old memories in the past when I made some horrible choices due to my Alanon issues. I took the blame for way more than my share. Well enough for tonight I am looking forward to 100 degree weather the fog is driving me nuts.

1. My program roots me
2. HP has plans that I don't understand and I don't have to
3. Things are just where they are supposed to be

I am grateful for my life today. Life is good and I am trying to keep it simple.