Sunday, September 30, 2012


Beautiful day, sunny golden rays of autumn. Met up with a couple of friends to attend a series of concerts free to the public. Incredible gift to everyone!
One particular Quartet Kronos was my favorite. They never seem to amaze me with their choices of music.

My friends are struggling in their marriage. Most of the time when I ask M how she is doing the reply is,"I am leaving, cant take it any longer." Makes me sad I know my friend L is trying so hard. He loves his wife and daughter but struggles with his demons. I am not sure if he will find anyone better than his current wife.
Letting go but feeling sad a little regarding their situation.
I cant fix it for them.

My own marriage has it's challenges these days. My Y is working again non stop. I go to events on my own he never can show up. I try to detach and not take it personally. He is a sick person. Keep the focus on myself I am powerless over Y. HP has a plan and I am not God.

1. My precious life
2. Willingness to look at my life in an honest fashion.
3. Pray for willingness when I dont have willingness
4. Health
5. Positive outlook

Thursday, September 27, 2012

More on Happiness and stuff

More on Happiness. Getting home from a rigorous Pilates class tonight. The instructor is from Iran. He gives such a great deal on the reformer machines.
Well still wanting to talk more on my Happiness class. What makes me happy is learning to take care of myself so I don't have the expectation that others will take care of me. You see it's a carni ride my game from the past. I sacrificed for others and then expected the same toward me. And around and around it went....
resentments were my payoff and the story of victimhood. Painful to think of this game I learned and then took on in my life.
Taking care of myself also means not having to listen non stop to sick Alanon conversations. Learning how to set boundaries in a caring loving manner. My friend T has broken up with her boyfriend M. So her calls are non stop what a creep M is and then repeat the process again. I can't participate in bad mouthing with her as I did in the past. This is an addictive pattern that I find unkind and feeding someones addiction. As bad as he may have been in the past she has also gone back to this fella. The last phone call I told her I had to get off the phone and back to work.
Feeling my emotions and not trying to fix her. This is real recovery for me. Live and let live.
I think that also I made myself too available in the past. Why? They needed me so they would be there for me. Fucked up thinking. again expectations attached there. Today letting HP take me into it's moment by moment knowledge love and acceptance.

1. For recovery and showing up in my life
2. Loving without expectations
3. that I didnt get a migraine today
4. worked well with by B partner
5. practice of patience is what I try to let sink in

More on Happiness

Wednesday, September 26, 2012


Signed up for a second series at the Zen Center for the Happiness Class. I enjoy reaching out of my life to take classes. The title again bugs the crap out of me for some reason. Guess it seems we are so forced to feel good all the time with drugs, shopping, dating it's all a commodity. Although I bah humbug the title I am greatly intrigued to find out more on how people attain this illusive quality within themselves.
I feel with the program and my spiritual path things are much smoother and less jagged around the edges.
Good news for me as before recovery I was in a bad way emotionally.
Gratitude for
1. My recovery
2. Spiritual connection
3. Loving partner
4. Enjoy good friends
5. Generally enjoy my life

Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment. 

More to follow around Happiness

Sunday, September 23, 2012


Having to write about vows in my life for a class. What comes to mind is my vow not to drink just for today.
Out of this intention many wheels are set to motion.
12 steps
reaching out to others who are still suffering
From one intention flows another life. This life is precious and I am grateful I get to show up for myelf just for today.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

"take a step back"

Long day today very tired tonight. On my way to a meeting I turned around and went home to rest instead.
This was taking care of myself. In the past I treated meetings as compulsively as I did everything else in my life. This is how I still have to do it sometimes even today I go and go and don't stop. When I sit with myself in meditation my mind has an edge filled with anxiety. It is comforting to be able to see my spin and not get caught in the struggle.
Feeling ok to let go and trust HP has a plan for me tonight

The second way we addressed her anxiety was to deal with those scary thoughts and to recognize that they were just thoughts. She was able to "take a step back" and witness the process of thinking. This is often very helpful to clients (and to anyone else): recognizing that thoughts are thoughts and then not particularly "buying them." Especially pernicious for Claire were habitual self-critical thoughts: "I shouldn't be such a baby; pull yourself together!" Most of the time we believe that our thoughts are a true representation of reality. Buddhism teaches us to question that. So, Claire watched as thoughts arose and dissolved and practiced not getting caught up in them. This brought some relief as well.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Alanon to guide me

Today was beautiful despite my difficult day with my H. He woke up with a terrible, rude attitude and it has continued into night. I work my program detach with love and keep the focus on what D needs to take care of herself. This is beautiful when I can work it. HP has plans and love for us both.

Talking on the phone today I had an awakening from a friend in Alanon. She mentioned her cancer is needing more chemotherapy. This can not be good. Such a young vibrant woman battling with mature issues.
My wake up is I am healthy despite some of my mental failings. I have Alanon to guide me.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Precious life

The niece has left along with another nephew. She stayed for a couple of weeks in my office, my private retreat...With a few boundaries I set for myself things worked out pretty well. I tried to keep my meeting schedule, kept myself out of her business and remained engaged in a schedule. For a woman such as myself enmeshment happened when I got close to others. The big challenge was minding my own buisness. After her surgery I took care of her for a couple of days making delicious soups, sandwiches and drinks. She loved this care and at times I enjoyed being of service to another.
But then after a few days I could feel a resentment brewing so I would leave my home to go to work or a meeting. It doesnt mean I am selfish to take care of myself. This is what I believed in the past taking care of me was secondary taking care of others was my first job.  I do care for others just not at the expense of my own care. My niece is a pretty smart young woman she has her whole life ahead of her.

Gratitude: For this precious human life I was given, learning to appreciate it and love myself and others.

Taking Care of Ourselves

Posted on 07/25/08, 03:00 am
From "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie:

We often refer to recover from codependency and adult child issues as "self care". Self-care is not, as some may think a spin-off of the "me generation." It isn't self-indulgence. It isn't selfishness - in the negative interpretation of that word.

We're learning to take care of ourselves, instead of obsessively focusing on another person. We're learning self-responsibility, instead of feeling excessively responsible for others. Self-care also means tending to our true responsibilities to others; we do this better when we're not feeling overly responsible.

Self-care sometimes means "me first" but usually "me too". It means we are responsible for ourselves and can choose to no longer be victims.

Self-care means learning to love the person we're responsible for taking care of - ourselves. We do not do this to hibernate in a cocoon of isolations and self-indulgence; we do it so we can better love others and learn to let them love us.

Self-care isn't selfish; it's self-esteem.

Prayer for the day: Today, God, help me love myself. Help me let go of feeling excessively responsible for those around me. Show me what I need to do to take care of myself and be appropriately responsible to others.

It seems like a common theme in some of the posts lately are taking care of ourselves, and I know it's a common thought in my mind lately so I thought I would sharing this reading with everyone.