Wednesday, April 27, 2011


"The way to ascend unto God is to descend into one's self"; — these are Hugo's words. "If thou wishest to search out the deep things of God, search out the depths of thine own spirit"; — this comes from Richard of St. Victor. When all these deep things are searched out there is after all no "self" where you can descend, there is no "spirit", no "God" whose depths are to be fathomed. Why? Because Zen is a bottomless abyss. Zen declares, though in somewhat different manner: "Nothing really exists throughout the triple world; where do you wish to see the mind (or spirit, *hsin*)? The four elements are all empty in their ultimate nature; where could the Buddha's abode be? — but lo! the truth is unfolding itself right before your eye. This is all there is to it — and indeed nothing more!" A minute's hesitation and Zen is irrevocably lost. All the Buddhas of the past, present, and future may try to make you catch it once more, and yet it is a thousand miles away.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Live in the Present

It is a wonderful night took an incredible restorative yoga class. I felt at peace and present for myself. This feeling of serenity felt like an eternity but it last probably only a few seconds.
Taking care of myself emotionally and physically is a gift I get to give myself due to working a program. When I take care of myself instead to thinking others should take care of me this is a shift.
I held strong resentments after taking care of others and then expecting them to take care of me in return. Well most of the time they never did return the favor and if they did it wasn't quite right for me. This helps keeps the disease alive. My happiness is my responsibility.

I like this quote from Alanon.
Living in the past is VICTIM, Living in the future is MANIPULATING. Live in the present.

Being content is an incredible experience. I have gratitude for the full life I live today. I can enjoy the fruits of this moment in the past I lived in lack of.............

“Be yourself because everyone else is taken.” Oscar Wilde

Saturday, April 23, 2011


The topic tonight was anger. The speaker spoke of his well of anger which bubbles up from time to time. He watches it and tries not to ride the dragon or be a slave to his emotions. He is active in his recovery and I have been given alot of support from his experience, strength and hope.

I turned my anger inward which surfaced as depression. I was afraid of my anger my emotions were deeply hidden. It has taken quite a bit of time to bring them forth into my life into this moment. My parents did not hide their anger, in fact it was one of the few feelings that surfaced constantly.
My father was a violent man, cars were wrecked, my parents hit one another and I listened in fear. Some nights I wasn,t sure if my mother would be alive in the morning. At eighteen I left and never came back to my parents home.

My husband a work-aholic is also an angry man. I would tip toe around his feelings trying to avoid his down days. If he was mad I was mad it was horrible and I felt like a slave to his emotions. It was one of the lowest points in my life the year I came back into the rooms.

Today my life has slowly changed. My H can be upset and some days I can step back from his
feelings without riding them. I practice the three c's and let go. I fumble and make mistakes but I keep coming back. My program is not about perfection it is just me practicing my program.
Sitting with myself frees me and allows me to learn to be present for myself.


HP is always there for me, others and the world
Learning acceptance

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Mindfulness meditation has value in two distinct ways for people in recovery. First as a way to bring some calm and serenity into the heart and mind. People in recovery, especially newcomers, experience a lot of stress, and having a regular meditation practice goes a long way toward reducing that stress. The second way mindfulness meditation helps is by giving us insight into our destructive mental and emotional habits. When we take time to carefully watch our thoughts, we begin to see how we create many of our own problems, and we learn to let go.

Tonight was a good meeting. A newcomer that left for a few weeks was back with her rage and grief. Sitting beside her tonight reminded me of my childhood. She spoke of her place in the family as the raging child. It felt scary sitting beside her. She cussed, screamed and cried.
We told her to keep coming back it gets better. I can make this promise to her it does get better....

As a young adult I raged and lashed and withdrew and then left. That was how I dealt with my feelings abandoning myself. In recovery I get to come back to me. Within I am still there waiting for the return. Sitting in meditation helps me to quite my mind or at least watch the thoughts and then detach from it all. Letting go turning it all over to HP. I dont have to figure it all out HP is there waiting.

for HP being able to sit with myself

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Letting Go

Concentrating on my breath helps center me during anxiety attacks. If I can focus on something keeps me concentrated. At night when I have trouble falling to sleep I count my breaths letting go it is a challenge to let go. This practice seems to help me with my program. Searching on the internet I found this quote attached below.


D: Why is letting go so difficult? I can watch my other emotions like anger and hatred, but it is much harder to see desire and clinging.

That's because desire and clinging precede anger and hatred. In any fit of emotion - and our mental formations occur so very fast - we can only identify gross emotions like anger and hatred. Desire and clinging are much more subtle, so it takes stronger samadhi to be able to see them.

You have been conditioned since you were very young to relate everything to yourself. As soon as you learn to recognise people and things, you're taught how to relate these to the "I" and "mine"-- my mom, my dad, my toy, etc. As you grow up you're taught how to relate ideas and concepts to yourself. You have to learn that so that you can function properly in society.

But at the same time, this process slowly and unconsciously creates a concept of selfhood, and you build up your ego. This build up is strengthened by the values of society. You learn to compete, to achieve, to accumulate knowledge, wealth and power. In other words, you are trained to possess and to cling.

By the time you are grown up, the concept of ego-self has become so real that it is difficult to tell what is illusion and what is reality. It is difficult to realise that "I" and "mine" are temporary, relative and changeable. The same is true of all that is related to "I" and "mine." Not understanding that "I" and "mine" are temporary, you struggle to keep them permanent; you cling to them. This desire to try to keep everything permanent is what makes it so difficult to learn to let go.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Buddhism and 12 steps

Had a wonderful dinner with Y. I used to make a dinner every night but lately have slacked off cooking. But when I do cook with fresh vegies it tastes good I enjoy it.
I am studying with a Buddhist teacher around the 12 steps. She is a very caring, considerate person. This is a gift of the program being a part of her group. When I first met her I liked her right off we share alot of similar experiences. I had to ask her three times before she finally agreed to be my teacher. Three is some odd number used in Zen practice.

We are reading a Pema Chodron's book No Time to Loose, The Way of the Bodhisattva and then have discussion. There are four in the group the other 2 women have a long history of being friends. There is a triangulation although the teacher tries to take this into consideration.
We do 12 step shares. I cried during my share thinking of my relationship with my mother.
They were there for me. It felt good to know these women..

Today I practiced my meditation to ease me through the day. I counted my breathe
then lost concentration. Making mistakes and admitting this is freeing. Just like working the steps admitting our errors. Suzuki Roshi calls meditation "one continuous mistake".
We go off the breath and then come back. "In our daily lives as well as our meditation practice
we try to cultivate the same attitude of watching the mistakes arise with acceptance and kindness." Kevin Griffin

HP is there for me even on the dark days
Feeling good right now love to blog
Happy to have my life

Monday, April 4, 2011

Where I focus my attention

I just got back from my Buddhist meeting. Throughout the meeting I felt ill at ease.
Despite this feeling I meditated walking through my fear. Walking through my character defects with grace, mindfulness and willingness. Buddhists believe we are fluid dynamic underneath our habits of mind. Beneath our hinderances, beneath the thoughts feelings and sensations is pure awareness. Beautiful way to view my interior it is true surrender. Our nature is a luminous presence and this nature can not be defective.

Letting go and surrendering my negative self talk is slippery. My will power wants to hold on tight to being a victim so much sadness bathes my identity. One suggestion is to focus on the parts of the day when I am not feeling depressed. How I think about myself is important to how I feel about myself.
Alanon has helped me to discover that, while it's good to acknowledge whatever I feel, I have a choice about where I focus my attention. I have been given a precious life and have been created for a purpose. I can look at the postive in everything that I do and see. A new perspective helps me to realize I have choices and some of the most difficult times in my life have produced the most wonderful changes.

I will replace a negative attitude with a positive one today.

Hp has plans for me and I dont have to understand it all
I have been a member now for over 3 years again after an absence.
My life has many wonderful moments, hours, days, and years!

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Everyday I am learning more about life. I am grateful for the willingness my HP gives me to learn more about who I am. My relationship with me is challenging but i ask for guidance to love who I am. It is hard to accept where I am at and to sit with the uncomfortable parts of me.
But at this moment I feel acceptance.

Lately in meditation I have been examining my self hatred. This has permeated my life since I was a young girl. I didnt have to the power to make the family feel better therefore I was a failure. This world view follows me even today. I watch my mind awaken with negative self talk. It's embarrassing for me to mention it is very painful. For the past two days I had relief from this recording I was relieved. Practicing my program around this defect gives me relief.

Learning to take care of me without focusing on someone else's problem is recovery in action.
I am responsible for myself. Positive self care means learning to care for D to keep the focus off others. I am not God.

1. HP is a loving presence
2. 12 steps guide me through the labyrinth