Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Shed some light

This weekend was hard but today was much better despite my cold. I tried to keep the focus on myself and let others take care of themselves. My business partner has troubles with her ex and their child. I listen and try not to give advice.

My deeply ingrained care taking just runs wild sometimes.
I noticed I will pay for things just to try and help her out. Today we went to lunch when the bill came I let her pay half. When she speaks of money issues I will pull out my wallet to make her feel better. I am not rolling in dough myself and I dont need to pay for her company.
Sharing this problem with others helps keep the issues at hand in focus.
When we bring things out into the light they lose their power over us.

For the Program, everyone is welcome
this is a spiritual program

Sunday, November 28, 2010


Today was a chilly winter day. I woke up wanting to do many things but didn't seem to be able to pull off much. My meditation was at 10 I missed it, frantically I raced to take care of myself.
Lonliness was pulling me into it's ocean I swam in the tide. This feeling of running away from the void and fear of where it will take me.

Y woke up trudging downstair and began working.
He worked till 12 each night. His behavior is difficult to deal with especially on our days off.
All day he worked it 's eleven he is at his computer doing excel spread sheets.

How do I take care of myself with his work workaholism? I am learning more what I like and how I want to spend my time. I get tangled up in the abandonment. He is a sick person. Yesterday he repeated again how he is working for both of us. His actions infuriate me I dont ask him to work all day and night he makes that choice on his own. But i still feel like he is hurting me he does not care about our relationship. I am powerless HP has a plan though I can turn it over.

I drove around until finally it dawned on me to check out a meeting. It was not a good meeting
there were a couple of nut cases in the rooms. But it took me out of the spin and grounded me.
The program helps me tremendously with my life. It was insanity that I experienced today.

Listening to buddhist talks also helps me quite the chatter in my mind. One particular monk addresses lonliness incredibly well.

The relationship with myself
One day at a time

Monday, November 22, 2010

Putting words to it all

Just reading some literature on Zen while waiting for my meeting to begin. I felt relieved when I read the negative views on literary endeavors in the practice by many. Why? I understand when I sometimes intellectualize my feelings it distances me from emotions. Over thinking can spoil a good concept being able to let it go for a while is creative flow. ALthough I do love reading and research which has helped me throughout my life.
I must understand it all and be able to convey to others what is going on for me. Yes, It is important for me to be able to share in meetings. But it is also OK for me not to be able to figure it all out.

In Alanon I like the notion we might not be able to understand it all. This feels good to me
when I want to follow the concept to the source. The trail can get dusty ridden with my good intentions. Life has many unsolved mysteries.

One stepping the second
Holidays need one second for me today
Gooble Gooble

Monday, November 15, 2010

walking through it

I feel so fortunate to have a recovery group on Mondays that meet at the Zen Center.
Each week we have a speaker and then an open meeting for discussion. There are a variety of shares from old timers to just recently got into the rooms.
Developing trust in the program has given me comfort, direction, and a sense of unity.
Even when I sometimes can't be there for myself the program will be there for me.
Dont get me wrong I still have issues at times with the program but today I keep walking though it all showing up for myself.

We are promised a new sense of freedom. When I can be present for myself in the moment I feel at peace. It feels good to have some peace in my life.
I am grateful.

An old monk in Thailand drew a picture of a happy smiling buddha on the wall of his cave and under it a most peculiar saying: Oh joy to discover there is no happiness in this world."
What could this mean? It is an acknowledgement that there is no lasting happiness, because of rhe eternal truth that nothing lasts. Only when we stop running and accept life with all it's dance of change, it's ten thousand joys and ten thousand sorrows, with its inherent suffering. only then can we find peace and wisdom.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

taking time

Had a busy day today. We are nearing the end of a year long documentary project and heading into the next phase of development. Working the program has allowed me to see the frution of an idea that had long simmered in my unconscious become a reality. Our interview today went well
our translator is a generous caring person. She is from North Vietnam whereas our subject is from the south. They seem to both like one another, talking for hours at a time.
We had some hard questions to ask today, this could have cause friction for us.

A word of advice when working closely with some for me is,"How important is it?"
I fret over issues involving my business partner and often feeling anxiety over something she may have said or done. But once i keep my priorities straight and look at the bigger picture it gives me relief. If I look back on this event will it really matter? Are my priorities in order.

Being an Alanon member I realize one of my character defects include the ole victim role.
They are out to get me, nothing will work out and I search for material to keep this storyline alive. I try to keep a good attitude in my life. Am I becoming the person I want to be?
This takes a concentrated effort on my part to engage in this moment.
Trying to be present for myself is a gift I give to the universe. I try to make room for what really matters in my life.

For the program I feel some peace and serenity a gift of showing up and working the program
Keeping present
Taking time to look at our beatiful sunset

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reaching out

Sitting and reading Alanon literature is enjoyable for me. I get comfort from learning more about the program, there is a choice in my life. Some days I forget that there are other choices I can make in difficult situations. Some choices I make daily are eating wholesome food, exercising, meditation and program work. I like to cook and made a great dish of mousakka.

The rages from Y are a huge challenge for me and how can I take care of myself?
I am learning to create boundaries around his verbal attacks. This challenge might be one of my big life lessons. I have reached out to another blogger dealing with verbal attacks while riding in a car. She has offered her experience strength and hope. Hiding my secret will keep me sick. I regularly share with my sponsor the verbal bantering that goes between Y and myself. Recently it has lessened but still rears it's ugly head. Despite the problems I celebrate my growth. It has been worth the wait.

Willingness to Grow
Working the steps is insightful
Things seem to be just fine despite some hard moments
Eggplant is a nightshade and some believe aggravate arthritis

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Staying present

Raning out today but it's nice to be inside all nice and warm. I don't feel well today it might have to do with working full throttle on Friday. Got out of bed feeling dizzy basically getting sick. I want to be out in the world doing something today. I don't want to stay in bed at home. But to take care of myself I need to rest. Learning to find out how to take care of myself is a full time job. In the past I often ignored my bodies messages. I lived outside my body and was in constant motion. Learning how to stay present and trust my HP is a gift I receive from Alanon.

I have traveled extensively throughout my life this I believe arose out of my childhood survival mode. This is a positive note that I created out of a bad situation. But as I age learning to be ok where I am at is sometimes challenging. I don't have to leave to create a safe situation for my life. It's interesting to look at life in a non judgmental compassionate practice. Time to rest I feel tired.

What does it mean to take care of myself?
For today it means keeping warm and resting in bed
Calling my sponsor
Reading Alanon literature.
Watching movies on netflix
Detaching from my minds spin

Monday, November 1, 2010

I am not alone

Tonight was Y's Birthday. I shopped for and made one of his favorite dishes along with
a home made cake. He seemed to really enjoy the meal. It took me hours to prepare the dinner but I tried to stay positive and present while I was cooking. In the past I rushed through tedious projects to get to the end as soon as possible. But I tried to be present for myself and keep a positive attitude.

Everything went well until the end of the meal. Y began to focus on some negative events that are goning on in his life. He blamed me for his feelings. The wonderful thing is I just sat and listened. He kept ranting and raving about how horrible this situation is in his life. My Alanon practice guided me through, I did not attach
to his fear. It seems that when we begin to have a nice time events will happen to
end a good time with a negative spin. It's sad really but in some ways it is very enlightening to come to realizations. Detaching with love. Did I do this with love?
I tried it was difficult to feel this love.

Sometimes I have to walk through all the uncomfortable feelings if I want to learn a new behavior that I feel will be a positive addition to my life. I can make a phone call and read some Alanon literature to guide me through.
Even in meditation there are moments that are extremely painful but I know somewhere down the road will be other feelings that nothing lasts forever.

Well I am tired Y's birthday seemed to turn out well despite a few moments of

Alanon is there for me
I am not alone