Saturday, September 4, 2010

Cant Control It

I feel disappointed tonight. J and I usually try and go out together on Saturday night. He works alot...I mean alot.
Some days I feel guilty he makes sure to let me know he is doing this for me. In the past I would take on the role of
feeling responsible for his working non stop, feeling overwhelmed, sad and angry. I realize know I Didn't cause it, I Cant Cure It and Can't Control it. I am powerless over his addiction. It's very painful to watch someone abandon themselves to work. We haven't gone out in months on a night out, he can't find the time. At this point I have to turn it over to HP. There is a plan to the universe. He has a HP to take care of him.

How can I take care of myself in this situation?
It's hard Saturday nights roll around and I wait for our night out. This usually doesn't materialize. It is Best for me that I make alternate plans to take care of myself. I went out to a movie tonight on my own. I am the only one who can make my well being my top priority. Unfortunately it was a very wicked child abuse film from Greece, Dog Tooth. Dont thing I can recommend this to anyone feeling lowdown could case a lower down feeling than before they saw the film. I left the theatre wanting to hurt him emotionally. He let me down again I heard at the back of my thoughts.

What I am looking at also is my feeling that arises from his actions which are I feel alone and victimized. These feelings have followed me through my life. In meditation and Al anon I get a chance to go into this dark forest and trim the branches.
It's hard I get stuck and feel helpless.

Slowly I am trying to give life to the part I myself that I hid from the world. I am learning to build my self esteem without hiding behind a cloak of suffering.I am trying to build moments where I can appreciate my life. I dont want to miss an opportunity by sinking into despair.

Loving-kindness is a buddhist meditation practice that systematically develops the quality of loving acceptance towards the self and others. When practiced regularly, it can help free a troubled mind from pain and confusion and make everyday relationships more meaningful, explains Kevin Griffin.

Gratitude
Program I have a tool chest waiting for me
Mindfulness the discipline of watching the mind is fast gaining recognition for its value in helping to free people from addictive patterns.

1 comment:

Syd said...

I know that disappointment. And the blaming of others for my unhappiness. How unfair I was and how I wanted to control. Great post

Annie

Annie