My meditation retreat on Saturday went well I didn't run out of the yurt screaming at the top of my lungs...Difficult to look at my mind with an examining glass. But I do believe my recovery has benefited from regular meditation practice.
I felt very agitated through most of the day but I sat through it all despite some of the discomfort. At the end there is some clarity to my thoughts.
My mother is one of my qualifiers and thoughts of her came up in my meditation. First I felt angry underlying it all is a deep sadness. Having a mother but not having a nurturing mother is a very difficult experience. So what happens next for me
when I felt sadness in the past was self abuse through a variety of means. I am not worth it and my mother proves it.
I realize that her life is all she can do. I also realize I can feel sadness surrounding my lack of mothering experiences.
She has done some very hurtful things to me in her ignorance. I hear from her maybe 5 times a year always with a long tirade about how expensive life is and how things are getting worse in the world. Jeez it drives me nuts reading this even ...
When I was 18 and went to college there was no entry back home. I then had to parent 4 siblings guiding them in the world.
One of the gift of the program is my willingness to get some of my needs met. This is done by asking someone to sponsor me which allows me to have a more intimate relationships. Intimacy can be one of life's gifts.
Gratitude
1. HP is loving everyone
2. I can learn to take care of myself with the help of the program
3. Reaching out to newcomers
4. The day was beautiful full of sunshine
1 comment:
I didn't get the right kind of parenting. I was like a little adult and expected to act like one most of the time. I guess though in the long run I turned out okay. Still a work in progress.
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