Tonight I feel content it might have been the seven meetings last week that added to my serenity. This is a great town for meetings although I feel still hesitant at times to talk about my feelings. What does this all mean?
It could be that a part of me wants to hide out. This old part that kept me safe as a child but does me alot of harm as an adult.
There are lots of old D's hanging out inside not wanting to be brought to the air.
For instance one big issue for me is a friend from outside the rooms who is now in the program. There are many times when a meeting ends she rushes to get hugs from the men. In the past I would wait till she was finished with her conversation with the guys and then say good bye. We dont see one another outside the rooms as we had in the past. I am learning to take care of myself by making new friends in the program. She chats with the men and I chat with my new friends.
Recently I leave without say good bye to T. It feels uncomfortable not acknowledging her presence. It feels rude to me I don't like to discount our old friendship but i don't want to wait till she is done. I have to learn to find my way in all of this with retaining who I am. This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. There is a part of me that thought because T and I were in the program our problems would work out. It has not developed as I hoped.
My part in all this insanity was rescuing others at my expense. This old part of me wants to hang on the old D being a victim of life's injustices. I would wait till she was finished with her fix and then feel angry at her.
This is who T is at the present I have seen some remarkable recovery from her and also from myself surrounding our friendship. The sad part is now that I have detached there isn't a friendship. This care taking role I took on as a child was for my Mom. She used me as a dump for her feelings. Suffering depression as a ten year old had to do with adult problems being presented to me to solve.
Step 2 Turn it over to HP Came to believe a Power greater than Ourselves could restore us to sanity
I don't want to blame T for where she is at in her life. But I can learn to take care of myself. No body can make me feel anything without my consent. I am learning to communicate more responsibly. I can talk about myself and my feelings. I can learn to to explain the way I experienced something rather than telling the other person how he or she made me feel. I can talk about what I want. I am no longer a victim.
Gratitude
1. HP is there and waiting
2. Turn it over
3.Driving is nice especially being out of town for a day
1 comment:
I don't think that it is rude to move along and not to have to wait to chat with her. I remember a particularly experience that I had as a young professional in which I waited for over 15 minutes to say hello to an old professor who was a "star" in her field. I began to fume more and more as I waited for her to acknowledge me. It was my shortcoming to accept the unacceptable and not wave at her and move away. That taught me a lesson that I still remember.
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