taking time

Loved the day walked along the cliffs and watched the ocean shift and reflect.

I am watching one of my character defect these days trying not to get attached to an outcome. Some days I approach my program with a goal in mind which is feeling better about myself.

My experience is I want to hurry up and jet through the day because I cant deal with my feelings.

Patience with my life is healing, taking time to watch the sky is healing, taking time for my life is hhealing.

Rushing through it all is not going to make the uncomfortable feelings go away. There will be plenty of character defects just down the horizon for me so it's important to laugh at it all.

This is a crazy ride life, so glad I have this precious gift.

If I cant recognize the love I already have in my life, would I really appreciate receiving more? Let me acknowledge what has already been given to me.

Grateful

HP is there for the good and the bad days

right now in this moment I feel some serenity

Patience

Came out of meeting tonight calm but not feeling well. It is nice to have a group of friends in the porgram that I enjoy and learn so much from. I am glad I show up for my life as this is a precious gift I was given.

The topic tonight was step six having Hp remove our defects of character. Learning to practice gratitude is important learning to give thanks for my life. This way I can accept the healing that allows me to change and grow. By learning to to cultivate my abilities I can increasingly let go of my defects. I cling to my feelings of self doubt and my poor attitude toward myself.

Why is not important here I like to think of slowly letting go of these character defects.

Opening up to being in the moment to be patient to the mystery.

I get afraid that I will not survive. This I carry from childhood trauma. I often went to bed fearful of what was going to happen as the night fights grew louder. But I trust I have created

a life where fearing of the night is over. I am grateful with the program I live a pretty calm

life despite the turmoil that happens in my head.

Today due to a migraine I had to stay in bed. My mind began to spin with all host of negative self talk. I tried not to attach to my spin but let go of it. This horrible defect has been with me for a long time. I am trying to learn to love myself slowly it takes time to dig out years of recordings.

Acceptance, love and patience guide me along with the program and my HP.

I do believe changing my attitude can also help change my life. It is difficult to love after I had been shut down to so many feelings. It just takes time it takes time and love.

I am learning to let go of my faults and let god take care of the rest.

Alateen

"Just remain on your cushion without expecting anything.Then eventually you will resume your own true nature. That is to say your own true nature resumes itself."

Suzuki Roshi

Taking Time

Beautiful seafood meal tonight with friends that I have not seen since last March.

The meal was incredible a selection of raw fish paired with cherries, pistachios and Jerusalem artichokes. R has been a friend of mine for over twenty years I met him when he recently arrived from France. In the last two years I have stepped back from our friendship due to his increasing drinking at his parties. Once he has a few under his belt the insults could begin and resentments boil. But there are many things I do like about him which include his humor and generosity. Tonight he didn't drink as much as in the past. I enjoyed talking to him and he asked a few questions about AA and Alanon.

I dont go into detail about the programs I let it speak through my example of living.

He mentioned they drink too much. I looked at him and listened. Sometimes the best gift I can give is to listen with my heart. If I take care of myself I can also help others by my example.

I eat well, rest and exercise. It feels odd giving myself some praise. Just for today I can

enjoy the moment with friends.

Just fine

Wonderful meeting tonight, it was on step five. Admitted to God to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Recently I met with my sponsor to go over more step work from Blue Print for Progress ...I chose a bakery in a city outside town. The pastries were horrible, the setting was uncomfortable with bad tables and I felt my sponsor was not paying attention. I wanted more from my heart felt share it just wasn't turning out the way I thought it should.

Nothing seemed right I made a poor choice again and added some fuel to self hatred.

It has appeared to me time and again in retrospect the share it sometimes not the entire message. The whole experience often has many lessons if I can look at the entire event.

Now when I look back at this day it seems to represent my views of myself. I just cant get it right my best is not good enough. When I can practice loving kindness toward myself it is just the way it was supposed to be. I don't have to give fuel to the fire of my self hatred. My life is just fine in fact pretty damn good.

Having a sponsor has meant alot of my recovery. She calls me back when I phone in fact often answers the phone when I call her. She has heard quite a bit of my past and knows me very well but hasn't left yet. The program is incredible in its workings and healing of past wounds.

Tonight my feelings again toward the group were full of a settled D. It reminded me of old days in my youth when my inner self was not as troubled. There was a self love I had in those days before my young adulthood years. I am learning a more loving way of seeing myself.

" If no one knows us as we really are, we run the risk of making ourselves victims of our own self hatred. If we can be loved by somebody who sees us as we are, we will then be able to accept ourselves. Others rarely think we're as bad as we think we are."

Alateen

Rest

This week we received news of our brother in laws passing. He had a very serious drug problem paired with a very public job. Peoples lives were put in his hands. I remember once going into my in laws bathroom, blood was splattered over the mirror from his last injection.

My sister in law acted like nothing unusual was happening. The dinner party went on and she shined up the mirror. She assured me he was not an addict. I used to push her to wake up to his addiction. Alanon has helped me to keep the focus on myself.

He died from his addictive behavior. After major back surgery two days later he was back at work.

This choice he made was insanity at it's peak. His work is at hospitals where he contracted a staph infection that took him down.

Loving and caring for an addict is difficult, many times I felt ashamed of his behavior.

His addiction had a strong hold and it did not let go for one second.

Rest in Peace dear I

Tonight and always

Grateful

I have a program that will always be there for me

HP is there for the world and it's people

My life is a gift i choose to live it to the best of my ability

Grateful

Worked hard today and also enjoyed my meditation meeting. I have trouble trusting groups so it has taken me a while to feel safe at the Zen Center. I am not alone with

this feeling of not being a joiner many people in the program also experience the disconnect with groups. For some reason I didn't feel like running out right after the meeting ended but stayed for fellowship. Why this shift happened I am not sure. I don't have to know the reason but can stay in some gratitude tonight.

The share was on the fourth step. Learning through the steps how to love and appreciate my life is rewarding in so many ways.

I have also committed to studying Buddhism deeper with a teacher. L has been in recovery for over twenty five years and a Buddhist since 1975. Studying Buddhism did not keep her sober though she needed a program. I had asked her to be my sponsor and was declined. I did not give up it took another year so I asked again recently she agreed. Our first book to study is Pema Chodron's No Time to Loose.

Grateful

HP has given me many gifts tonight i am enjoying this moment

Beautiful day sunny but mild. I love the city this time of year.

Grateful for some of my choices that with the help of the program.

I want to give credit for adding up some serenity in my life. It feels good, solid and peaceful tonight as I listen to my favorite radio station.

I have challenges in my day such as care-taking a friend. As I have mentioned this acquatiance is almost homeless. She coach surfs to pay for her storage unit full of antiques. We have decided not to let her move into our home. I call her but detach with love. She asks me to help her find a room, etc etc and some days I extend help. Today was difficult she is desperate but still doing the same behaviors but expecting different results. I offered advice today, " Stay here and get a job don't move again" ...and more was said she moves every 6 months up and down the coast

Oops I got involved beyond what I feel comfortable. I can feel resentment taking hold here between us. I don't have to take responsibility for other peoples choices. They have their own HP to help them make their decisions.

In the past I took care of others at the expense of my own well being. If I took care of them they would take care of me. But it just didn't seem to work out how I thought it should be...

Pema Chödrön's March 2005 article, The Answer to Anger and Aggression is Patience.

The following passage from the article made me think about the many things I hold onto past the point of usefulness--certain ways of doing things, beliefs about myself and others, even my perspective on the world--and how liberating it can be when I let go and open myself up to alternatives. But Chödrön also provides a healthy reminder that it takes patient effort to explore and understand these things, and that sometimes it's best to focus on small ones before addressing big ones:

[W]henever there is pain of any kind--the pain of aggression, grieving, loss, irritation, resentment, jealousy, indigestion, physical pain--if you really look into that, you can find out for yourself that behind the pain there is always something we are attached to. There is always something we're holding on to...

...After a while it seems like almost every moment of your life you're there, at a point where you realize you actually have a choice. You have a choice whether to open or close, whether to hold on or let go, whether to harden or soften...

It requires enormous patience even to be curious enough to look, to investigate. And then when you realize you have a choice, and that there’s actually something there that you’re attached to, it requires great patience to keep going into it. Because you will want to go into denial, to shut down. You’re going to say to yourself, "I don't want to see this." You'll be afraid, because even if you're starting to get close to it, the thought of letting go is usually very frightening. You may feel that you're going to die, or that something is going to die. And you will be right. If you let go, something will die. But it's something that needs to die and you will benefit greatly from its death.

On the other hand, sometimes it's easy to let go. If you make this journey of looking to see if there's something you’re holding on to, often it's going to be just a little thing. Once when I was stuck with something huge, Trungpa Rinpoche gave me some advice. He said, "It's too big; you can't let go of it yet, so practice with the little ones. Just start noticing all the little ways you hold when it’s actually pretty easy and just get the hang of letting go."

That was extremely good advice. You don't have to do the big one, because usually you can't. It's too threatening. It may even be too harsh to let go right then and there, on the spot. But even with small things, you may—perhaps just intellectually—begin to see that letting go can bring a sense of enormous relief, relaxation and connection with the softness and tenderness of the genuine heart. True joy comes from that.

Gratitude

For My Life in the Program guided by my HP

Being able to stay in the moment and feel the beautiful day today