What a surprise

I just spent an hour writing a blog that dissapeared into thin air...poof just vanished
This is where I get to pratice letting go and letting god. Yes nothing is fool proof to allow for change and movement.
Life is a river we ride on boats, swim and even go on shore at times. Nice

Tonight had a good meeting. Got out and felt like my guts had been yanked out. I wanted the women to run up and hug me and tell me it would be OK. Dont worry it's going to be fine. They didn't come and hug me instead they took care of themselves. I want something more from the meetings, more care, more love. But, I let go of these feelings and show up despite myself I believe part of this feeling is my Alanon disease. Expecting someone to fill up my empty place inside. Learning to be with Dianne
is the healing...learning
Willingness to learn.

This uncomfortable edge has followed me through life. I am given an opportunity to examine it further in recovery.
Heal it or just accept it and examine feeling uncomfortable. In meditation I watch the thoughts come and go in my mind.
It is the attaching that strangles me and weighs me down. The deep part of myself is where I drown and I lie with the fear that this feeling will never leave me.

As a child I thought I would be dragged into the well with the feelings so I shut down. And in the bottom is where I hid, deep in the depths of me. It has been a struggle to find myself again the feelings are hidden.

Feels good to write and be aware of my life tonight in this moment.

Gratitude
1. For willingness to go to meetings
2. HP is within us all
3. That I didnt eat a hamburger today with fries
4. Life is one great crazy ride
5. music

"What a lovely surprise to discover how un-lonely being alone can be"
Ellen Burstyn